I feel that my marriage to my BP wife is coming to an end

[CAPTBob]

I have been married for 26 years.  My wife, who began psychotherapy in 2009, was diagnosed with BPD in 2013.  She tried to commit suicide at her former psychotherapist's office, and was referred to a psychologist who arranged for her to enter the DBT program.  She completed the program, but there does not appear to be any significant change in her behaviors.  My children find it difficult to relate to my wife despite the fact that she was a good mother to them (they are now in their early twenties).  In addition to her psychologist, she also sees a psychiatrist for prescription anti-depressants and sleep medicine.  Because of her suicide gestures, the psychiatrist will only give her a small amount of medicine each week.

We have not had sexual relations of any kind since February of 2009.  In addition to the lack of sexual intimacy, there has been little or no emotional intimacy.  She alternates between feelings of anxiety, depression and anger a good deal of the time.  We get along well, but there is no passion at all.  Since we stopped having sex, she has not complained or attempted to initiate sex.  At the suggestion of her therapist, I began psychotherapy and underwent treatment for about a year.  This was enormously helpful.

Recently we have begun to undergo marital counseling, but it seems to be going nowhere.  The therapist does not believe that the BPD is a significant issue.  The catalyst for marital counseling was her revelation earlier this year that she had been molested by an uncle when she was eight years old.  She told me, with her therapist present, that her mother believed the uncle's claim that my wife had initiated the sexual contact that gave rise to the molestation, and blamed my wife for the incident.  My wife also told me that aspects of our sex life had rekindled memories of the molestation.

I am in my early sixties, and this relationship makes less and less sense as time goes by.  Although she has much more control over her BP traits (acting out), there is little inner change.  I am concerned that there would nobody to take care of her if I left, but none of my physical or emotional needs have been met for a very long time.

I don't mean to whine, but I could use any insights, advice, or constructive comments.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi CaptBob

Welcome to the bpdfamily.   I am glad you found us.    This is a great place to safely and anonymously share with people who understand.   To greater or lesser degrees we know what you are going through.    Living with someone who is chronically depressed with suicidal gestures has to be very difficult.   It would take a toll on the strongest person.   

26 years is a long time.     I'm sure you have a lot invested, emotionally and physically that is hard to even put into words.   Can I ask, do you have friends and family that support you?   Interests or contacts outside the family home?

What I would suggest, and it's only a suggestion, is you make yourself at home here.   Visit often, read and post a lot.   Let us get to know you.   Get to know other posters.    See if the simple act of putting emotions and thoughts into words helps crystalize a path for you.   

What do you think, does that make sense to you?

'ducks

[formflier]

   CAPTBob, I want to join babyducks in welcoming you.  I'm getting close to 21 years of marriage and like you, things seemed to wait to get bad later in the marriage.    This site has been enormously helpful to me.  My r/s (relationship) is much better and more satisfying to me.  Can you tell us about when you first noticed things being a bit off and how that progressed?  You have found a safe place to learn and grown.  We can help!        

FF