Kids counselor wrote email to BPD. Send it or not send it?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My kids counselor wrote the email to BPD. She is asking me if she should send it. The only concern would be if he gets angry that the kids told the counselor about GF and her son,  he may tell the kids not to tell her things like that anymore. Then the trust my kids have in their counselor will be broken. What do you think? The other alternative is me sending similar email to him. I am very concerned. I haven't have any notice or information. My daughter cried thinking BPD has another family. This is her email.

_____________________________________

... .I am the counselor working with your children. I have been seeing J6, H8 for several months and had not met you so I wanted to reach out to you. Your children are sweet kids and I enjoy them very much.

We have discussed the importance of them having both parents in their lives and positive things like having two cool houses to visit and make new friends... I am very thankful that the kids have been able to open up to me and share how they are feeling as this will help them to better accept the upcoming divorce. They are aware of that the divorce is not yet final and it will take time for children to grasp what this means for them. It is very important that they are the priority at this point. I am thankful that you get to see them every other weekend and give financial support to help them maintain their known life style which is also important in easing the transition.

I wanted to ask you to share a little with me about GF and her son who are staying with you so that I better understand how this is impacting them. If there is any other information that you would like to share with me, please include it in the reply. If you want to schedule an appointment, you are very welcome to do so.

Thank you so much for your time.

____________________________________________________

He hasn't paid his share for the counseling or after activities and trying to get lower CS $700 per month on CS. I have been covering everything. I think this is why she put the financial support. Maybe take out if sending it?

____________________________________________________________

[Godslove]

My kids counselor wrote the email to BPD. She is asking me if she should send it. The only concern would be if he gets angry that the kids told the counselor about GF and her son,  he may tell the kids not to tell her things like that anymore. Then the trust my kids have in their counselor will be broken. What do you think? The other alternative is me sending similar email to him. I am very concerned. I haven't have any notice or information. My daughter cried thinking BPD has another family. This is her email.

_____________________________________

... .I am the counselor working with your children. I have been seeing J6, H8 for several months and had not met you so I wanted to reach out to you. Your children are sweet kids and I enjoy them very much.

We have discussed the importance of them having both parents in their lives and positive things like having two cool houses to visit and make new friends... I am very thankful that the kids have been able to open up to me and share how they are feeling as this will help them to better accept the upcoming divorce. They are aware of that the divorce is not yet final and it will take time for children to grasp what this means for them. It is very important that they are the priority at this point. I am thankful that you get to see them every other weekend and give financial support to help them maintain their known life style which is also important in easing the transition.

I wanted to ask you to share a little with me about GF and her son who are staying with you so that I better understand how this is impacting them. If there is any other information that you would like to share with me, please include it in the reply. If you want to schedule an appointment, you are very welcome to do so.

Thank you so much for your time.

____________________________________________________

He hasn't paid his share for the counseling or after activities and trying to get lower CS $700 per month on CS. I have been covering everything. I think this is why she put the financial support. Maybe take out if sending it?

____________________________________________________________

[Ulysses]

I feel for you and hope you are finding support right now. 

My exNPD/BPDh had his girlfriend move in before the divorce was final.   Also does other things in that realm that L and T advise against.  My D T6 has had a few conversations with exH, and T has told me in her professional judgement, the only reaosn he was doing some particular things (unrelated to moving in GF) was to be cruel to me. 

Does your kids' T understand your H and anything he's been diagnosed with?

I guess before T sends email I would ask, what's the reason to send it?  Are you ready for H reaction (I still feel crushed when my exH explodes, even in an email, although less so now).  How will this affect the kids?  And, finally, think twice if you want to push him to see your children.  My kids have a weird, hyper life at their dad's house.  They don't get enough to eat some days, homework isn't done, etc.  While it's easier for me as I rebuild my life, sometimes I wish he wasn't in the picture.  Even if your children see their dad more, that doesn't mean he's available to them (emotionally).  More of that facade of a family life that isn't real.

[bravhart1]

I'm ok with the email as written except for the part about her being happy he is supporting them financially. I think that is a little odd, and probably will force him into thinking she's pro mom. All else seemed even handed up until that part.

She wants to speak to him, she's inviting his input, all good. Praise for child support? Seems calculated and outside her parameter for therapy.

[Thunderstruck]

I agree with bravhart1. There isn't a reason why a T needs to be involved in financials and I think mentioning it will turn him off.

I also might ask her to take out the part about GF. IMHO, to him it will sound like she's fishing for information to give to you.

Is she wanting to meet with him? Is that why she's sending this?

[Panda39]

Re: the financials I actually take the therapist is validating him and how providing for his children is a good thing for them.

But how he interprets this is something else.  If you feel that he will take it a different way based on past experience maybe ask the therapist to edit that part out.

Panda39

[sanemom]

I think the T should say less:


... .I am the counselor working with your children. I have been seeing J6, H8 for several months and had not met you so I wanted to reach out to you. Your children are sweet kids and I enjoy them very much.

We have discussed the importance of them having both parents in their lives and positive things like having two cool houses to visit and make new friends... I am very thankful that the kids have been able to open up to me and share how they are feeling as this will help them to better accept the upcoming divorce. They are aware of that the divorce is not yet final and it will take time for children to grasp what this means for them. It is very important that they are the priority at this point.

I would like to schedule an appointment with you to hear about any concerns you may have for your children during this process and what you think it may help me to understand as I continue to support them. 

Thank you so much for your time.

[OutOfEgypt]

Provided your BPD ex isn't going to physically beat your children for telling the counselor things, I think the counselor should say whatever the counselor wants to say.  Provided you or the counselor aren't intentionally being inflammatory, which I don't see how you are, at some point you have to move forward with some semblance of a new life, which means getting used to the idea that you can't spend all of your time worrying about what he's going to do and how to micro-manage it with how you communicate or handle things.  From someone who knows from experience, it is an exhausting way to live.  The truth is that they will find things to get angry about no matter what, and continuing the habit of trying to predict his responses and manage them is a full-time job you really don't want to continue.  In other words, unless he's physically abusing the kids, at some point you need to stop being afraid of him.  If he's going to throw temper tantrums and whine and complain and try to make the kids feel bad, then that is too bad but he's going to do it anyway and in my opinion it is better to coach them about his behavior than it is to teach them how to walk on eggshells to prevent it.

And from a legal standpoint, I can't see how it would look good for him if the kids' counselor tries to reach out to him with a pretty reasonable letter and he bites the counselor's head off.

[scraps66]

... .I'd take out the part about "open up to me" as a BP may see that as threatening and something that MUST be changed.  Not sure if this T knows about BP, it may, when there is enough confidence, you could slip him some review material and develop a gameplan for going forward with or without the BP's involvement. 

In general, the message is counter to what most of us practice when communicating - keep it real short.

[Thunderstruck]

Provided your BPD ex isn't going to physically beat your children for telling the counselor things, I think the counselor should say whatever the counselor wants to say.  Provided you or the counselor aren't intentionally being inflammatory, which I don't see how you are, at some point you have to move forward with some semblance of a new life, which means getting used to the idea that you can't spend all of your time worrying about what he's going to do and how to micro-manage it with how you communicate or handle things.  From someone who knows from experience, it is an exhausting way to live.  The truth is that they will find things to get angry about no matter what, and continuing the habit of trying to predict his responses and manage them is a full-time job you really don't want to continue.  In other words, unless he's physically abusing the kids, at some point you need to stop being afraid of him.  If he's going to throw temper tantrums and whine and complain and try to make the kids feel bad, then that is too bad but he's going to do it anyway and in my opinion it is better to coach them about his behavior than it is to teach them how to walk on eggshells to prevent it.

And from a legal standpoint, I can't see how it would look good for him if the kids' counselor tries to reach out to him with a pretty reasonable letter and he bites the counselor's head off.

Since it sounds like the divorce is pending, I'd say it's ok to be cautious about what is written. If the goal is for the T to help the kids then treading lightly at this time would probably be better. It would stink for the T to be fired and painted black, just for a little email.

If the goal is for the T to testify in court about BPs behavior then I'd be all about poking the bear. But testifying in court should be a lower priority than getting the kids support and help.

DH and I have definitely been more "cautious" in our communications with BPDbm during our trial (which has been going on for 3+ years now). Our L is constantly recommending it. uBPDbm's a master manipulator, and everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.  

[Godslove]

Thank you for all your input. The settlement is coming up right before Christmas and yes, I want to be super cautious. I expect the settlement will not be easy. I feel so helpless not to peep a word about this situation while my little girl is so hurting... .and I want to stop walking on an egg shell. This is really exhausting... .

[livednlearned]

The letter, and the intent (not entirely clear?) makes me wonder if the T understands PDs. Especially with a settlement coming up.

It almost feels like triangulating the kids into a no-win situation. I agree with scraps66 that ex is more likely to focus on "kids opening up" as a threat to him. He may grill the kids and make them fearful about talking openly in the future.

If the email is not strategic to help your case, and by strategic I mean a key piece, I wouldn't send it. Your kids need a third-party confidante who is in no way triangulated with BPD dad. They need to have a confidential place where they can express how they feel.

I may be projecting my own N/BPDx's behavior onto yours, so I apologize if that's what I'm doing. I just found my son's therapy to be a sacred thing that needed to be protected at all costs. I understand it's different for some people and it might be true for you.

It's a tough decision.  :'(

[rarsweet]

It seemed to me like the T was trying to throw him a couple of compliments to make him less defensive with the support comments. Make him feel like a good parent? I agree though, I wouldn't send it unless you want to try to document his refusal to participate.