Holidays with a BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is what holidays with a BPD looks like:

Our temp CO was put in place almost exactly a year ago. 50/50. The holiday break gets split with the exchange on Christmas, so it ends up being uneven (this was what uBPDbm wanted). Last year we had the little slice and uBPDbm had a big slice. This year it switches.

We made plans to see DH's dad because he's really sick (stage 4 cancer). We wanted to go as soon as we could, but decided to wait until after Christmas so we could have more time with him.

Yesterday (two weeks before Christmas) we get a message from uBPDbm. She wanted to "switch weeks". We sent her the schedule. She complained that it wasn't "fair" and that we needed to even out the time. Then she said she's going out of town the first part of break (aka her parenting time) to pick up a "gift" for SD10 and won't be back with it until the day after Christmas. We told her I'm sorry but no we can't switch, we already had plans for our holiday time. She then demanded other days for visitation next week instead. We said no.

After a bunch of rage, it finally comes out that uBPDbm made plans to go to her parents house to spend Christmas with her other daughter (she has a different father from DH, lives with uBPDbm's parents, and uBPDbm hasn't seen her in ~5 years) instead of spending her holiday time with SD10. Instead of checking with us first to see if it would be ok to switch weeks, she just went ahead and made these plans.

So now SD10 doesn't get to see her mom at all during the holiday break, won't get to see her sister, and won't get to see her grandparents (on her mom's side). uBPDbm has already made it clear that it is our fault for "refusing to let" SD10 see her mom or her sister and she fully intends on making SD10 angry at us about it.

Per usual when uBPDbm is trying to "work over" SD10, she is refusing to allow the nightly court ordered phone calls. So on Monday we are going to pick up a very confused, hurt, angry child.  :'(

[Thunderstruck]

This is what holidays with a BPD looks like:

Our temp CO was put in place almost exactly a year ago. 50/50. The holiday break gets split with the exchange on Christmas, so it ends up being uneven (this was what uBPDbm wanted). Last year we had the little slice and uBPDbm had a big slice. This year it switches.

We made plans to see DH's dad because he's really sick (stage 4 cancer). We wanted to go as soon as we could, but decided to wait until after Christmas so we could have more time with him.

Yesterday (two weeks before Christmas) we get a message from uBPDbm. She wanted to "switch weeks". We sent her the schedule. She complained that it wasn't "fair" and that we needed to even out the time. Then she said she's going out of town the first part of break (aka her parenting time) to pick up a "gift" for SD10 and won't be back with it until the day after Christmas. We told her I'm sorry but no we can't switch, we already had plans for our holiday time. She then demanded other days for visitation next week instead. We said no.

After a bunch of rage, it finally comes out that uBPDbm made plans to go to her parents house to spend Christmas with her other daughter (she has a different father from DH, lives with uBPDbm's parents, and uBPDbm hasn't seen her in ~5 years) instead of spending her holiday time with SD10. Instead of checking with us first to see if it would be ok to switch weeks, she just went ahead and made these plans.

So now SD10 doesn't get to see her mom at all during the holiday break, won't get to see her sister, and won't get to see her grandparents (on her mom's side). uBPDbm has already made it clear that it is our fault for "refusing to let" SD10 see her mom or her sister and she fully intends on making SD10 angry at us about it.

Per usual when uBPDbm is trying to "work over" SD10, she is refusing to allow the nightly court ordered phone calls. So on Monday we are going to pick up a very confused, hurt, angry child.  :'(

[bravhart1]

I'm sorry she set you up like that. Our BPDm does that every chance she gets. :'(

I'm glad you stuck to the schedule. I think even though BPDm has made this hard on SD, it's important to not let her run rough shod over the CO and or your plans. It would set a VERY bad precident if you allowed her to change everyone else's plans just because she failed to take into account the schedule, the CO and the fact that her child has other people in her life when she made HER plans.

Sometimes I think they make things "work out" like this because they really don't want to have kiddo for some holiday and instead of owning it they make it your fault so they can be the victim de jour and get their way all at the same time.

I just put it all back on mom with my SD." I'm sorry your mom planned your birthday party for when she knew you would be here, I don't know what she was thinking. Tell mom next year you would enjoy your party more if she could plan it on her time so you can be there too".

SD is starting to get it at this point after so many incidents like that.

Oh and "happy holidays"! 

[DreamGirl]

For the disordered soul in my life, "planning" is not one of her strong suits.

Sometimes it's only her who suffers. Sometimes we're pulled into the vortex. I happen to have a certain kind of compassion for her because I'm not the best planner myself. 

Are you setting a boundary here? "We will adhere to the court order".

Or is there some wiggle room?

If it were me, I might ignore the bad delivery and try to make it work. We did this with the past Thanksgiving, rearranging our plans so the girls could have time with their Grandpa on mama's side (who is in the early stages of Alzheimers and cancer). It's important to them and I'm not going to take part in them missing out on such an important time. Even if it's all mama's fault that we weren't informed.

Is maybe even an extra day for mama possible?

With zero expectation that she thank you or return the favor... . 

 

[Thunderstruck]

Is maybe even an extra day for mama possible?

With zero expectation that she thank you or return the favor... . 

My first instinct always seems to be to bend over backwards to accommodate uBPDbm, but it always backfires for us. We'll agree to take SD10 for a night, then later uBPDbm will demand "makeup" time. When we refuse, she keeps SD10 out of school and messes with the exchange to make it difficult for us to get her back. How did it go from us doing her a favor to us being some kind of enemies to be punished? And who gets caught in the middle? SD10. Sticking to the schedule so everyone knows what to expect has made a huge difference in SD10s mental health.

I guess we'll see on Monday when we pick SD10 up. If her mother spent her time this weekend trying to upset SD10 against us, then I'd feel like we're rewarding that kind of behavior by "giving in".

We're pretty conflicted about uBPDbm's lack of contact with her family. We think it's sad that SD10 doesn't get to see her sister or her grandparents. On the other hand, maaaaaaybe that's not such a bad thing. It sounds like they were a narc father and enabling mother to uBPDbm, and SD10s sister is starting to show some of the traits of a PD.

Another thing that makes me worried about the situation is that I feel like the older sister is the GC, and being around uBPDbm and her GC that she also hasn't seen for a long time is going to make SD10 feel very hurt and left out/unimportant.

[DreamGirl]

My first instinct always seems to be to bend over backwards to accommodate uBPDbm

I try to not see it this way. I try to see it as accommodating the kiddos.

We'll agree to take SD10 for a night, then later uBPDbm will demand "makeup" time. When we refuse, she keeps SD10 out of school and messes with the exchange to make it difficult for us to get her back. How did it go from us doing her a favor to us being some kind of enemies to be punished? And who gets caught in the middle? SD10. Sticking to the schedule so everyone knows what to expect has made a huge difference in SD10s mental health.

You're in a battle of "delivery".

I call my husband is the ex-wife whisperer. She "demands" and he does what's best for the girls. For example, I take my youngest stepdaughter to school every day and she texted me (and I quote) "SD13 IS NOT ALLOWED to walk to school because of the recent incidents near her school! ["stranger danger"].

I thought who is she to tell me what to do? And then I followed my husband's lead. I don't let her walk anyways. If she does walk, she's with friends. Mama is also freaking out about her daughter being in danger, I was worried about stepdaughter too.

So I texted back --- "OK".

I'm not rewarding bad behavior. I'm simply agreeing with what's valid and not furthering conflict in anyway. The conflict is what gets the kids in the middle.

I guess we'll see on Monday when we pick SD10 up. If her mother spent her time this weekend trying to upset SD10 against us, then I'd feel like we're rewarding that kind of behavior by "giving in".

Your language says a lot, Thunderstruck. You "refuse" to allow extra time because she "demands". I'm not saying it's wrong, but it can further conflict.

I try to filter these situations, and think what if she asked and didn't demand. What would my answer be? I mean if mama asked nicely how would I respond?

I don't change my values (treating others with respect) based on her behavior.    

We're pretty conflicted about uBPDbm's lack of contact with her family. We think it's sad that SD10 doesn't get to see her sister or her grandparents. On the other hand, maaaaaaybe that's not such a bad thing. It sounds like they were a narc father and enabling mother to uBPDbm, and SD10s sister is starting to show some of the traits of a PD.

Another thing that makes me worried about the situation is that I feel like the older sister is the GC, and being around uBPDbm and her GC that she also hasn't seen for a long time is going to make SD10 feel very hurt and left out/unimportant.

This is my own value statement (and how I see it) Not right or wrong, just right for me.

Family is family. I won't take part in distancing/alienating those who I have no control over. My stepdaughter's mama has a pretty dysfunctional family but it's still their family to learn to incorporate in their lives.  

I can't control the path the girls take. Not even a little bit. I can help them develop resilience and tools however.

And when they are given an opportunity to spend time with long distance family members, the husband allows it almost every single time. Because it's the right thing to do.

[Thunderstruck]

And when they are given an opportunity to spend time with long distance family members, the husband allows it almost every single time. Because it's the right thing to do.

I agree. We try to take SD10 to see her sister and grandparents when we are in the area (which has successfully happened once), while uBPDbm has made zero effort.

But the core of the issue is that we had plans to see her dying grandfather. Is he "more important" than seeing her sister? I'm not going to even dream of putting SD10 into a position where she would have to choose between the two. Therefore, we default to the CO.

I think I've worked out a solution where everyone wins. I just have to pass it through DH first. (yay me!). If SD10 goes to uBPDbm's at the end of the break (instead of the middle), then she'll still get a few days with her sister. Then we can change how the alternating weekends start and it would end up that we'd get a portion of her birthday weekend (whereas before we didn't have any).

[DreamGirl]

Yay you indeed. 

[Thunderstruck]

Well, last night DH finally got to talk to SD10. He said uBPDbm was in the background telling her to say and ask things. SD10 asked DH "Why won't you let me see my mom for Christmas?". Oh, and I guess uBPDbm had SD10 open all her presents this weekend.

[ForeverDad]

The court and lawyers are there for more reasons than most people realize.  In this case, feel free to divert the complaints to the court or lawyers, let them be the fall guys.  "Sorry, DS10, that's the court order.  I have to follow the order as closely as I can.  It's a court order, not a suggestion.  The time I have this year is basically the same as your mother had last year.  If the holiday time was to be adjusted, it should have been handled long ago before we had made our plans."

FOG is to be expected around the holidays — You may not have much Fear these days, but you still get the pressures of Obligation and Guilting.

[DreamGirl]

I'd have just said... .

"I'll talk to your mom about it, we'll see what we can do.

Anyways, you got to open your presents? How fun! What'd you get?"

[Thunderstruck]

Well we picked up SD10 from school and she was in good spirits. She didn't even ask once about uBPDbm or her sister. We gently brought it up during dinner and... .

Apparently uBPDbm didn't even tell SD10 she was going out of town. 

SD10: "No, my mom's not going out of town. She would have told me."

So uBPDbm is telling SD10 that she can't see her for Christmas and just saying it's because we "won't let her".

SD10 said "I wish I had parents who didn't lie to me". We were like woah there, when do we lie?