I want to reverse a recent breakup and need advice

[Anez]

Long story short:

While we were never officially together, we spent many months together and have been close for over a year. It felt like we were together and we weren't sleeping with other people. We helped each other through tough moments in our lives, had what I thought was a deep bond. She brought some stuff to keep at my place one time in sept and then that's the last time she's ever been over to my place. Seems like that freaked her out a little bit.

She went silent for a bit then told me she needed time to work on herself and with her therapy so that relationships in her future meant more to her. I didn't know anything about BPD until a few weeks later when i started seeing a new therapist.

Some background: She and I are co-workers tho we barely see each other at work at any more. We had a text affair that led to my separation from my wife and ultimately my divorce. after that it became physical and what I thought was a good relationship that could grow into a great one.

She's 26, I'm 38. She has a 3-year-old daughter.

We've been LC for the past month or more. Have only texted a few times and say hello to each other at work. It's all cordial. We never fought or had moments of rage.

On wednesday i emailed her asking her if she wanted to walk down to starbucks and get a coffee later, it's something we used to do during work days. She said her day was kind of bananas and asked if we could play it by ear. I said sure, knowing of course that she wouldn't respond after that, which she didn't. We haven't communicated with each other since then.

I can't get her out of my mind, even with the help of therapy. I'm playing the LC thing pretty well, barely communicating with her and trying not to be the guy that's always reaching out and becoming annoying. I think I'm doing a good job at that.

So what steps can I take to win her back? Keep up with what I'm doing with LC/NC?

thanks for any advice.

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[valet]

Hey Anez, all of this sounds really hard on you. There's a lot at stake, emotionally, it seems.

I understand that you want to make this work, and it's alright to not be able to get her out of your mind.

I think that you definitely need to maintain your distance for a bit. Let her come to you. You can't force emotional intimacy on her if she isn't ready for it. The only way for that to happen is for you to remain open, pleasant, and welcoming. Remember, you're there for her if she wants that. Give her some space to realize it.

In the meantime, I recommend focusing on the things that you love to do. Keep yourself grounded through these things, so that if she does come knocking you'll be in the right frame of mind to assess the situation.

[Anez]

Thanks for the reply and advice, valet.

it is really hard on me, as we all know how this feels.

I will continue to give her space and see if she comes back or not. Right now it feels like i'm totally dead to her and maybe that's for the best.

I'll keep working on myself and making myself better each day.

[Skip]

The only way for that to happen is for you to remain open, pleasant, and welcoming.

Sounds like you are in a good place with respect to "no damages done". 

We had a text affair that led to my separation from my wife and ultimately my divorce. After that it became physical and what I thought was a good relationship that could grow into a great one.

Wow... .you have a huge investment in this. I can understand your concern.  How are things with your own children?

She brought some stuff to keep at my place one time in September and then that's the last time she's ever been over to my place. Seems like that freaked her out a little bit.

So let's dig a little deeper. You say you were never officially together. She put her toe in the water moving a few things in.

Sounds like she has some reservations about the relationship - she likes you, but. What the "but".

[Anez]

Thanks, Skip.

I don't have any kids of my own, which is good. But I did give up a lot and have a lot of emotional investment in this girl.

Her but with the relationship - she told me she had a rough childhood but didn't get into specifics. that, coupled with her saying "she needs to work on herself so relationships in the future mean more to her" lead me to believe she has BPD. My therapist thinks so, too. She's been seeing a therapist for a while - i helped her get into that - so I'm guessing she's working on things. But we haven't really talked at all in quite some time. I think she felt like she was getting close to me and that scared her and she ran away.

The LC/NC (we don't communicate often) is scary in that I'm afraid she's just gonna forget about me and go on with her life, as she's doing right now. We used to spend a ton of time together at work and out of work. Lots of texts, phone calls, etc. And now there is nothing. Which has left me feeling empty.

I'm doing a lot of good work on myself in therapy which is good and I'll just have to see what life brings to me.

[C.Stein]

I'm doing a lot of good work on myself in therapy which is good and I'll just have to see what life brings to me.

Maybe the best thing to do is give her the time and space she needs to work on herself but still be there for her emotionally if she needs it.  I would think you want to support her independence but without completely disappearing from her life.  

In the meantime, keep up the good work on yourself.  

[Anez]

Yup, I'm doing my best of supporting her by giving her space that she needs. We haven't texted in 10 days. In her last text she said:

"I have seen the real you, I have spent a lot of time with the real you. I only have good thoughts about you."

I would love to support her emotionally if given the chance but she hasn't reached out for that. She doesn't reach out all. Tho we are cordial when we bump into each other at work, which isn't too often even tho we work in the same office.

I feel like i'm disappearing from her life but maybe she needs that for a little bit to remember what I once was for her. We shall see.

for now I work on myself ... .and check my phone all the time to see if she texted, knowing that she won't.

[Skip]

"she needs to work on herself so relationships in the future mean more to her" lead me to believe she has BPD.

It's hard to understand a statement like that.  It could just be, as Seinfeld put it, the it's not you, it's me routine. You left you wife for her, it would be pretty hard for her to then say "well, never mind".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uAj4wBIU-8

She clearly likes you and respects you. At the peak of he relationship, how "in" was she?  Is this a matter of recapturing something great or building it?

[Anez]

She was all in when she was in. She put me high up on the pedestal and kept me there for quite some time.

Now, there's nothing and I'm learning to be OK with that as possible means to her coming back but I'm also aware that the odds aren't in my favor and I'm working on myself so that I'll be OK if that is in fact the case.

but man, she's all I think about. And not contacting her after work or much at all at work is hard but I have to keep doing it.

[Anez]

Sorry, Skip. forgot to answer your last question.

to me it's about recapturing something that was really good and can be really great, i think.

[Skip]

Have you invited her to something she couldn't turn down 

[Anez]

I haven't ... .been keeping my space.

should i?

[C.Stein]

Yup, I'm doing my best of supporting her by giving her space that she needs. We haven't texted in 10 days. In her last text she said:

"I have seen the real you, I have spent a lot of time with the real you. I only have good thoughts about you."

Giving her space doesn't necessarily mean disappearing from her life.  

You definitely don't want to change her view of you right now, but if you think she might be willing to do something with you as friends then maybe you should.  No pressure to be anything other than a friend right now.  That is what it sounds like she wants at the moment ... .what do you think?  You should also consider that maybe friends is all you can be with her.  I know that hurts, it would hurt me, but if you want to keep her in your life then just being friends might be your only option. 

[valet]

Anez, what C. Stein is talking about is difficult territory to navigate. You really need to have your head on straight.

What does that mean to you?

[Aga Khan]

I can relate to Anez, almost carbon copy of my situation with a BPD fund manager I met 18 months ago. She went through several breaks ups/abandonment as she called them beginning with her father at the age of 12. At the time, her current marriage was in a state of advanced divorce, she buried herself in her work ironically as a relationship manager at an investment bank! Like adding fuel to the fire! I "saved" the relationship between us several times, we did go deeper proclaiming everlasting love for each other (only on Whatsapp!), somehow in the flesh so to speak things never got intimate, even the one time sex was robotic.

Now I have ended the professional relationship with her, after she vented for 2 hours with verbal abuse on the phone. I assume the personal one has ended also as no phone calls, text messages or any other contact has happened since. In my case better to know after the venting something was up.

Emotionally I have detached, found it startlingly easy once I made the decision to do it. As I look back on all the text messages filled with loving thoughts and praises, I can see the BS much clearer now, even realizing how codependant I was in the relationship. In her case the BPD was text book. How much more toxic can a relationship be?

One more thing I must add, the role of social media, Whatsapp etc, distancing an essential component in relationship building with texting (physical and eye contact) and 360 distorted narcissistic selfies (of which she was a junkie). It seems to me this fed the BPD disease.

[Anez]

Valet, C stein:

I don't think being friends with her is an option now and I don't think it can be moving forward. I see it as an all or nothing experience in the future.

In all honesty she hasn't initiated contact in over 2 months, which says a lot. I've been the one sending a text here or there and she responds and then the communication stops. This says a lot to me and while the head says move on, she has, the heart says keep trying.

[Skip]

In all honesty she hasn't initiated contact in over 2 months, which says a lot. I've been the one sending a text here or there and she responds and then the communication stops. This says a lot to me and while the head says move on, she has, the heart says keep trying.

It does say a lot...

My suggestion to ask her out was not as a "friend" but on a date - just not a heavily or sticky romantic date.

Its not like you had a fight or you have been crowding her - but its sounds like the relationship is lacking something for her.  It might be something you can overcome, it might not be.

Some pwBPD think the honeymoon period is the relationship and what happens after is drudgery. Not saying that's the case here - just that it could be that she wants more spark.

It's also a fact that people who get involved with married people tend to do it (subconsciously) because the relationship can't come to fruition. An available person has different needs (and expectations) and the intrigue is gone.  I know this has to be an awful revelation given what you have been through.

I night try to give her some spark. Something more than coffee at lunch. Set something up that you can course adjust (make it lighter or more personal) depending how it is going.

If she "finds herself to be busy", just smile and say OK, happily back off and regroup.

[Anez]

My fear, skip, is that asking her out will only push her away.

[Skip]

My fear, skip, is that asking her out will only push her away.

This is a judgement call for sure. Do you wait it out and see if she has a change of heart and comes back. Do you ask and run the risk of be told "no" and maybe even "never".

It's a hard place to be.

[Anez]

Yea part of me lately feels like pushing for it and asking her to do something so either way I have an answer. Currently I feel like if I just wait around she's never going to comeback so I have nothing to lose.

Today I sent my first text in 10 days. It was a picture of a boom she got me for my birthday in July. I said I've been reading it and thanks for giving it to me. She immediately replied saying "you're welcome, I knew you'd appreciate it."

I haven't replied back but it was nice to share that with her.

[Skip]

Lines of communication are open.  That's good.

The holiday is here and that may present some opportunity - will she want company?

[Anez]

I wonder if she already has company but that's just a narrative I've created in my brain.

Tomorrow I'm gonna text her and ask her out to sushi Tuesday night. I'm also gonna tell her that I won't be talking about our past as that leads to high anxiety for her. I'm moving on from that and looking for a fresh start with her. If she says yes, great. If she says no, then I'll be able to see where she is mentally

[Anez]

I'm having second thoughts on asking her out. Her lack of reaching out to me is the issue I keep thinking about. She's obviously moving on and I just don't know if it's a smart move.

[Skip]

I'm having second thoughts on asking her out. Her lack of reaching out to me is the issue I keep thinking about. She's obviously moving on and I just don't know if it's a smart move.

I was thinking an event - like a concert or a basketball game.

[guy4caligirl]

Last year at this time I was consumed by her with every thought I had I know exactly where you're coming from !

this time this year actually now we're talking , nothing I did , gave me a response from her last year 4 months after the B/U .But harsh ones , I moved on as you should .

It's is very painful ,hang in there ~

[Anez]

Thanks guys. Yea, I'm gonna hold off and just keep working on myself.

[Anez]

I sent her a text today, just something like, asking her about her fantasy football team. I used to help here with back when we were still talking all the time a few months ago.

She replied back with a nice answer and then told me her grandpa died last night. this is the third death in her family in the last six weeks - a cousin, her ex's dad who she was close to, and now her grandpa.

She said f this year and f 2016. She's obviously distraught. I told her that I was sorry to hear about the death of her grandpa. she said thanks and then sent another text along the lines of "well here's something good i just did for myself" and sent a pic of a pizza she made. we traded a few more texts and that was it.

How do BPD's do with death? Anyone have experience with that?

[C.Stein]

How do BPD's do with death? Anyone have experience with that?

Based on what I have experienced with my ex I would say they deal with it in the same way they deal with anything emotionally painful ... .try to avoid the feelings in any way possible.  Did you offer your ear if she wants to talk?

[Anez]

I didn't this time but helped her a lot after her ex's dad died. It was her first experience with death and crushed her. We talked a lot as I've gone through some deaths in my family.


She knows I'm there. I'll leave it up to her.

[MapleBob]

She knows I'm there. I'll leave it up to her.

I've had a thought when scrolling past this thread on the L2 board lately. I don't know if it helps you, Anez, but I've been thinking with regards to MY ex lately: you don't really ever *reverse* a breakup, you just start a new relationship with them. So leaving "it up to her" is a pretty great plan. That's having the relationship that you have right now, which might not be the one you want to have, but it's somewhere to start. Y'know?