Trying to get out of the FOG

[unicorn2014]

  stayers.

I'm on my phone so this is going to be simple.

I'm really fighting hard to get out of the FOG.

Every day I am trying to cut back on the amount of contact I have with the pwBPD .

I thought I would share with you what goes on in my head as it pertains to this board.

Every morning I wake up to text messages from my pwBPD . I used to want him to text me in the morning. Now I honestly don't know how I feel about that.

I changed the settings on my Facebook timeline so only I can post on it and he did the same on his and accused me of not wanting him to interact with me on Facebook. I did it because I got sick of him posting I love you on my wall.

The reason I called this the FOG is because I'm struggling because I feel obligated to interact with him and a part of me wants to but another part of me is very angry with him.

If you choose to reply to me can you please keep in mind that I am struggling to recover from being deceived?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

I don't think either of you are going to get to a better place until you separate and equilibrate - sort out your emotions - have him sort out his commitment - maybe two weeks, maybe longer.

This "thing" that you are doing now is destroying the fabric of the relationship - it will get to the point that you can't recover, divorce or not.

You are totally justified to feel everything you feel.  He has not been honest.  But you are also responsible to have good character - and passive aggressive resentment is not that.

The first part of values and boundaries is walking the talk ourselves. If your value is love, respect, honesty - then stand by it - live it.  Respect is stepping away until you have your "head" in a place that is comfortable having a healthy day by day exchange with him.

Yes, he lied. It's bad. You have to accept him as he is.  Or reject for what he has done.

You are living in a conflicted word in your own head. That is understandable given the circumstances.  At the same time, loving someone and wanting a future and resenting them and telegraphing that they have character is not going to be good on any day.

And the flip side is true - lying to someone and not trying to make it right is a bad place to be.

At the end of the day - you two have a very different idea of what the relationship should be and both are not willing to resolve the difference.

[unicorn2014]

Skip wrote

You are totally justified to feel everything you feel.  He has not been honest.  But you are also responsible to have good character - and passive aggressive resentment is not that.

Can anyone please tell me what you think my passive aggressive resentment is? I turned off my Facebook timeline because it was a distraction.

Skip also wrote

This "thing" that you are doing now is destroying the fabric of the relationship - it will get to the point that you can't recover, divorce or not

Can anyone be more specific ?

Skip wrote

You are living in a conflicted word in your own head. That is understandable given the circumstances.  At the same time, loving someone and wanting a future and resenting them and telegraphing that they have character is not going to be good on any day.

Again can anyone please clarify?

What I am saying is I'm not comfortable with my "fiancé" telegraphing his love publicly for me on my timeline.

What I also am saying is I'm trying to figure how if at all I can stay in the relationship without feeling resentment. All of the relationship has taken place on my turf. I couldn't even afford to go see him.

Skip also wrote  

At the end of the day - you two have a very different idea of what the relationship should be and both are not willing to resolve the difference.

I am willing. Please tell me what this looks like.

[Skip]

What I also am saying is I'm trying to figure how if at all I can stay in the relationship without feeling resentment.

This is probably a better question for the Undecided board.

However, if you are trying to improve a relationship (this broads charter) where you harbor a great deal of resentment for your partner's misrepresentation and him "asking you to marry him and not wanting to file a divorce in his existing marriage", it is necessary to put an end to the day to day conflict which has manifested itself as persistent invalidation and rejection.

How can you end the conflict?  For the sake of this discussion, lets assume it will take you 3 months to resolve your resentment and make a decision.  What can you do for those 90 days to end the conflict?

Given the significance of the problem, it doesn't seem that you can compartmentalize it (or should feel pressured to do so if you don't want to) - that may only leaves a therapeutic separation as an option.

What is a therapeutic separation? In this case, you can write down your idea of what scheduled contact is in-bounds and what is not and talk through it with him (incorporate his input) and go with it. For example, you could say - lets just you agree that until he files a divorce or you accept that he hasn't that you will talk on Saturday mornings only.  If you want to add any additional things like not calling each other fiancee or wearing rings, or talking about personal matters, than do that.  Get the ground rules set up front and then stay with it.

I think anything short of this, and the relationship is just going to dry up from the day to day unpleasantness.

Others might have ideas on how to structure this if you want to go this way.

[unicorn2014]

Skip wrote

However, if you are trying to improve a relationship (this broads charter) where you harbor a great deal of resentment for your partner's misrepresentation and him "asking you to marry him and not wanting to file a divorce in his existing marriage", it is necessary to put an end to the day to day conflict which has manifested itself as persistent invalidation and rejection.

He does want to file a divorce in his existing marriage and he says he's going to talk to a lawyer at the end of this month.

I will try to articulate what it is I am struggling with and post it when I am on my laptop. It starts with him telling me he misses me and me resenting him for coming to see me without following up on his divorce. I do believe him that he met with a lawyer to file for divorce. I do know from my own experience with divorce that my lawyer filed it with the court. I also know that when I was getting a divorce that was the most important thing in my life at the time . I did not have a business or a romantic partner. I would like to tell him how I feel when he tells me he misses me but I don't because I don't think it would be productive. On occasion I am able to tell him I miss him too but not with the frequency with which he tells me.

I do wAnt to remain on the staying board.

[unicorn2014]

Skip also wrote

Given the significance of the problem, it doesn't seem that you can compartmentalize it (or should feel pressured to do so if you don't want to) - that may only leaves a therapeutic separation as an option.

Actually now that I have taken my ring off and told him why, stopped calling him my fiancé, stopped him from coming to see me until his lawyer files for divorce, engaged in radical truth telling with the people in my life who know him as to why he's not here yet or where he is, I do feel like I can compartmentalize. He is the  main emotional support person in my life and there is a lot going on in my FOO right now with my grandmother's death so I think a therapeutic separation right now would not be a good idea for me. I also have a 15 year old daughter that he is helping me coparent, so that is another good reason why a therapeutic separation at this point in time would not be a good idea. Finally he and I are a good match in that we are both gifted people with learning disabilities, so I really would like our relationship to work out because he would really would be a good partner for me if it did.

So with all that being said, what would compartmentalization look like because I am willing to give that a try.

I also apologize ahead of time to any posters on the staying board that are confused by me. As I said in my initial post I am trying to recover from being deceived by the belief my partner's divorce had been filed.

To be very clear, what he told me is he filed, then he withdrew to file bankruptcy and then he filed again on my insistence, and then when I looked it up I found neither the first filing nor the second filing. At this point whether or not I believe him is not the issue as I have realized it was my lawyer that did file my divorce with the court, so I do believe there was some kind of problem between the lawyer and the court, and that is not my business. Another thing that I have realized is I do not want to enable him in any way, shape or form to have a relationship with me, which includes not helping him get a divorce. That is his business and his responsibility. I also feel that way about his relocation to a certain extent, but we will cross that bridge after he files his divorce.

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So moving forward I am looking for help to compartmentalize my feelings so I can stay in the relationship. I hope that is appropriate for the staying board.

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Also the reason for the topic is that often  when I wake up in the morning I struggle with feeling obligated to respond to his texts because I'm struggling with my own feelings. I have been able to delay my response time so that makes the situation feel like its a little bit more in my control. As I said earlier for better or worse he is the main emotional support person in my life and I am going through a lot right now with both my family of origin and my daughter, as well my self,  so I don't want to cut him out of my life .

[babyducks]

So moving forward I am looking for help to compartmentalize my feelings so I can stay in the relationship. I hope that is appropriate for the staying board.

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Hi unicorn,

about 2 years ago something very bad happened in my relationship.   it doesn't so much matter what it was.   the fall out was I had a lot of feelings.   some I could identify.   and some I didn't even understand were lurking just under the surface.     

the actual who said what and who did what was important.   

what was also important was to have some quiet time to sit and let some of those feelings float to the surface.   so I could identify them.  figure out what to do with them.   and decide whether or not I wanted to look beyond them.   

none of that happened in the short term.   it took months.   

Yes. A very bad thing happened.   It took time to sort out.   Me flailing at it did not help.   Both of us had a lot to sort through and that happened at it's own pace.    Skip told me when I was going through my bad patch to not do anything that added to the drama.   I didn't and that was the best advice I could have personally gotten.

Sitting still and being with what was, taught me a lot.

'ducks

[unicorn2014]

Thank you baby ducks, I hear what you are saying. Since I am not morally or legally obligated to my partner I can leave if I choose to. As I mentioned to formflier in my follow up topic, one thing I'm going to try to schedule this week is a meeting with my clergy person to go over what I found out in September and the actions I've taken thus far. Many women would've left the relationship at this point, I'm aware of that. I also know that I can not take any more criticism from my partner, it is not healthy, so I'm going to have draw up a hard boundary around that one for myself . I am sure that sitting with my feelings will help me sort that out. As I said before I lost a friend over this relationship because she didn't want to see me get hurt anymore  .

[babyducks]

hi unicorn,

when there was a lot of bleeding going on in my relationship because we were still dealing with the fall out from our bad year, we established some ground rules that helped.   

the first was that either one of us could stop a topic at any time that felt like it was adding negativity, getting overwhelming, or becoming to difficult to continue.   We had a safe word, that meant that topic was over but the conversation wasn't, that we needed to switch to something light, positive and uplifting.   

the second was we ended every conversation on a positive note,   something good that happened during the day,  something we saw that we liked, a new song we heard on the radio.

the third was we couldn't change history, we wouldn't rehash it unless something new had come up that needed to be put on the table.   

going around and around about some of the old painful topics was keeping the wound from healing over.

'ducks

[unicorn2014]

Thanks ducks. My partners therapist suggested he develop a safe word for the next time he dysregulates so he could let me know he was reaching a breaking point.

For me controlling the frequency of contact is really helping me manage my feelings.

I am very frustrated but there's not a whole lot I can do about it right now if I'm going to live within my value system.

I did pull out an old anon book and am going to be working the steps around my relationship. I also have understanding the borderline mother to help me understand the roots of my problem. Finally moving forward I'm looking at reading new material like the passionate marriage to learn what a healthy relationship is like.

[babyducks]

you are very welcome unicorn.  I'm very impressed at the effort you are putting in.   I hope you don't mind me asking you a question.   are you also managing some self care?   some fun stuff?   what are you doing for stress relief?   Movies?   Music?   Exercise?

[unicorn2014]

I aim to walk/run at least 10,000 steps, 5 miles, 10 stairs every day, I bike. I have a Pandora subscription. I have a Netflix subscription . I am taking DBT, I also take medication, I take supplements , I attend recovery meetings. I go to the fine art museum. Thank you for asking. A former therapist was also concerned I have fun. As an adult child I have to learn how to have fun. I also color and I love to bake.