Trapped at Home

[leggomyeggshell]

Hello,

I have a question about the controlling nature of my pwuBPD/npd.  Is it normal for them to be ultra-controlling?  My situation aside from the typical chaos is that I am not allowed to leave the house - at all (I work from home).  She claims that it is to keep me from drinking.  However, I am not a "leaving las vegas" style drinker but (usually to combat the unbelieveable stress of this situation) I am prone to have a couple of drinks.  In other words, her reaction is way out of proportion to the gravity of the offense.  There is no way to argue this without prompting a dysregulation.

The hard part about not being able to leave is that her next step is to have me do all of the work while she goes out and deals with her hurt feelings du jour, whatever they may be.  She started therapy (thank god), actually it does sound promising, but she is not far enough along to deal with any of the real issues, in fact is has given her the excuse to leave the house more often (and therefore stick me with all of the work) because she believes she is "healing" and I am supposed to do even more than I already did as a result to support her, without any breaks for myself or any of my other needs met.  (I am not able to leave while she is gone for example, because we have a toddler I have to watch while she is away, and only one car).

Its been confusing to her because at first she thought the concept of boundaries was to force the other person to submit to her will, I had to wait a whole week until her next counseling session until she learned that boundaries are more for her benefit.  She is still struggling with this.  She claims that her boundary (which, this one registers as reasonable) is that I cannot drive the car after I've been drinking, then I ask, what if I left on foot?  She would lock me out and I would have to stay in a hotel.  What if I leave and promise not to drink?  She believes I am lying and that I would drink anyway.  There is no way to convince her that I could leave and not drink even though I have done that many times.  I suppose I could call her bluff and leave on foot and stay in a hotel.  But who needs all of that extra drama, not to mention loss of cash?

I guess my question is whether it is normal for BPD's to be hyper-controlling and what to do to even have enough space to breathe under these circumstances.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Short answer - yes, it's typical for pwBPD to want to control others.  They view their inner turmoil as being caused by others; therefore they see the solution is to prevent others from doing what hurts them. Your wife views your drinking as the source of her distress, therefore tries to control it. 

Has it always been this way?  Was there a particular incident that made things worse?  Whether or not she has a legitimate fear about you drinking, trying to control you leaving the house is simply wrong.  You can't live like this - you will fall apart. 

I'm not sure what the solution is here, but whatever course you take won't be easy in the short term.  It will likely bring about a nasty reaction from her.  Somehow you need to assert your right to manage your life as you please, and that means being able to go out.  I would suggest every time you go out to keep some provisions outside the house - at a friends house, in the car, etc.  That way if she doesn't want to let you back in, check yourself into a hotel and enjoy the peace and quiet

Most of us here have faced or face a difficult time when asserting boundaries like this.  PwBPD don't react well to other's independence.

[leggomyeggshell]

Thanks for the reply.  I guess I was wondering if this is common among BPDs to try to run the lives of the people they are with, or if I am the only one dealing with this issue.  It wasn't always like this with the drinking until, 4 score and 1000 dysregulations ago (about 2 years) she got a DUI.  This caused her to attend an AA class, which then caused her to force us both to quit drinking, except I was the one who had to quit as it is still OK for her to drink, as long as it is not me.  I did not mind that much to quit honestly but the part about being trapped at home is really hard.  I ask if I can go to pick up an item at the grocery store and she says I cannot unless she comes too.  I don't know if this is the best time to introduce my own boundaries however as it might shake things up too much (walking on eggshells)...   Last week she called the police on me for no apparent reason (long story), I'd like to have a week with as little drama as possible, .  I'm holding out for the therapy to work and trying validation whenever possible.  (One problem I've found with validation are the length of time I have to listen and the charged emotional content of what I am listening to)

[waverider]

Think of it more of pwBPD being afraid of NOT being in control, or of being controlled themselves. Being black and white thinkers, to avoid loss of control they have to control you, as in their world someone has to be in control, equality does not exist.

You talk of boundaries, it seems as though you are struggling with a few of your own.

In truth the dominant is not in ultimate control, they only have control as long as the submissive allows them to be. That control can be taken away, the dominant relies on threats to prevent the submissive from realizing this.

Any attempts to change the status quo will be met with outbursts in attempts to reassert things, you need to weather this to set up precedents that you have your rights and are willing to stand up for them.

This is not easy but you can't be afraid to crack a few eggs if you want to make an omelette