BUT, it's good that
I am going through weekly sessions because I am the strongest women he knows. He knows he is sick and unhealthy for me, but I should go to learn how to handle him better; learn his triggers so I don't upset him.
He can't be in a relationship where he has to 'constantly be in therapy' (once every 8-10 weeks... .maybe a total of 4 times). However, he is happy to come down tonight or this weekend to see me, pretend nothing happened, and have sex... .It will kill him to think of me with any other man... .He assures me, there is nobody 'on deck' even after I saw he was trying to hide old hook-ups and potential new meat in his LinkedIn account. Oh yeah, I have 'inappropriate relationships with married men' (their wives certainly don't think so!), from a guy that was shtupping a married woman when I met him... .
Me:
"Well, the girl you have waiting on deck will end up the same way. I have heard enough about your past to know that you have always been insecure in relationships but can't stay out of them.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle I like the term "Interpersonal Dysfunction".
I am sorry that you feel bad about yourself; that was not my intent. I fell deeper into you when you opened up the very sensitive subject of debt. If you recall, I recently stated how that was not as big a problem as I thought. That is manageable.
You are right; I can't keep trying to help you, if you have no desire to help yourself. I am not sure why you think so little of yourself. It must be awful to want to be with someone you love so much (me) while feeling so empty, alone, and afraid. I have an idea though because I have bits of that too and that is why I am getting help for myself. We both can see tones of ourselves below:
*Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
*A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
*Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
*Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
*Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
*Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
*Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
*Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.
I understand that you feel that I have inappropriate relationships. I was looking forward to sitting down at some point with a good counselor to work through this and get a better understanding. I never really got your definition on what was appropriate or inappropriate, in your mind.
I am not going to be with anyone else. I am working on ME and I am in love with you. It takes time for me, I don't just jump back into being with other people. This is the last thing on my mind.
I know it seems that I am trying to make you into someone different, but I was wanting to get to the man that is under all of the pain and turmoil. I see you in there. I had this childlike ideal that we would walk this path together; helping and loving each other through it. This childlike thinking is part of my problem/dysfunction.
I only wanted to be your lover/partner, not your mother or warden."
I have to get out of the anger phase; I am almost there. I need apathy, full mental detachment... .I have a nice weekend coming up and I am going to be ok.
