Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 11, 2025, 02:32:33 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Knows He Is Unhealthy; Refuses Therapy  (Read 522 times)
JaneStorm
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 273



« on: December 11, 2015, 04:06:18 PM »

BUT, it's good that I am going through weekly sessions because I am the strongest women he knows. He knows he is sick and unhealthy for me, but I should go to learn how to handle him better; learn his triggers so I don't upset him. 

He can't be in a relationship where he has to 'constantly be in therapy' (once every 8-10 weeks... .maybe a total of 4 times). However, he is happy to come down tonight or this weekend to see me, pretend nothing happened, and have sex... .It will kill him to think of me with any other man... .He assures me, there is nobody 'on deck' even after I saw he was trying to hide old hook-ups and potential new meat in his LinkedIn account. Oh yeah, I have 'inappropriate relationships with married men' (their wives certainly don't think so!), from a guy that was shtupping a married woman when I met him... .

Me:

"Well, the girl you have waiting on deck will end up the same way. I have heard enough about your past to know that you have always been insecure in relationships but can't stay out of them.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle I like the term "Interpersonal Dysfunction".

I am sorry that you feel bad about yourself; that was not my intent. I fell deeper into you when you opened up the very sensitive subject of debt. If you recall, I recently stated how that was not as big a problem as I thought. That is manageable.

You are right; I can't keep trying to help you, if you have no desire to help yourself. I am not sure why you think so little of yourself. It must be awful to want to be with someone you love so much (me) while feeling so empty, alone, and afraid. I have an idea though because I have bits of that too and that is why I am getting help for myself. We both can see tones of ourselves below:

*Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived

*A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

*Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)

*Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

*Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

*Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom

*Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

*Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

I understand that you feel that I have inappropriate relationships. I was looking forward to sitting down at some point with a good counselor to work through this and get a better understanding. I never really got your definition on what was appropriate or inappropriate, in your mind. 

I am not going to be with anyone else. I am working on ME and I am in love with you. It takes time for me, I don't just jump back into being with other people. This is the last thing on my mind.

I know it seems that I am trying to make you into someone different, but I was wanting to get to the man that is under all of the pain and turmoil. I see you in there. I had this childlike ideal that we would walk this path together; helping and loving each other through it. This childlike thinking is part of my problem/dysfunction.

I only wanted to be your lover/partner, not your mother or warden."

I have to get out of the anger phase; I am almost there. I need apathy, full mental detachment... .I have a nice weekend coming up and I am going to be ok.

Logged

"You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You were the love of my life
This time we know, we know
It's over..."
Thin Line - Macklemore
patientandclear
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 2785



« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2015, 04:21:50 PM »

Jane--he is a lucky man to receive a note like that.  Nicely done.  Honest, open, not shaming, not enveloping, not pushing your stuff on him, but holding him to a measure of accountability too.
Logged
JaneStorm
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 273



« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2015, 04:26:43 PM »

Jane--he is a lucky man to receive a note like that.  Nicely done.  Honest, open, not shaming, not enveloping, not pushing your stuff on him, but holding him to a measure of accountability too.

Thank you so much for saying that. I don't want to hurt him. He hurts himself enough. He responded with not wanting a relationship that has him in therapy all of the time. I wrote back that I understand and I will not be in an abusive relationship.

The. End.
Logged

"You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You were the love of my life
This time we know, we know
It's over..."
Thin Line - Macklemore
C.Stein
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2015, 07:49:53 AM »

BUT, it's good that I am going through weekly sessions because I am the strongest women he knows. He knows he is sick and unhealthy for me, but I should go to learn how to handle him better; learn his triggers so I don't upset him. 

Did he really say this?  WOW!

He assures me, there is nobody 'on deck' even after I saw he was trying to hide old hook-ups and potential new meat in his LinkedIn account.

Hmmm.  I checked my ex's linkedin account for the first time in a really long time last Friday and found what looks to be a strong candidate for my replacement.   He looks to be around mid-twenties (my ex is 36).  I know she is prone to making decisions without really considering the consequences but jeez ... .really.  If this is my replacement I am certain he is 110% whipped and she has complete control over him.  That is something she didn't have with me.

I have to get out of the anger phase; I am almost there. I need apathy, full mental detachment... .I have a nice weekend coming up and I am going to be ok.

You will get there and so will I eventually.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged
patientandclear
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 2785



« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2015, 09:34:08 AM »

Jane--he is a lucky man to receive a note like that.  Nicely done.  Honest, open, not shaming, not enveloping, not pushing your stuff on him, but holding him to a measure of accountability too.

Thank you so much for saying that. I don't want to hurt him. He hurts himself enough. He responded with not wanting a relationship that has him in therapy all of the time. I wrote back that I understand and I will not be in an abusive relationship.

The. End.

You guys get the award for best communication about a BPD breakup. It really usually comes down to this, but neither party has the clarity to just say it and leave it there. Again, he is lucky (and I'm certain it will not be The End of his effort with you.)
Logged
JaneStorm
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 273



« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2015, 10:23:11 AM »

[quote author=patientandclear link=topic=287335.msg12707556#msg12

You guys get the award for best communication about a BPD breakup. It really usually comes down to this, but neither party has the clarity to just say it and leave it there. Again, he is lucky (and I'm certain it will not be The End of his effort with you.)[/quote]
Meh. For all the good it does. Another text last night vowing to get help. I sent back and that I hoped so and goodnight.  I ate my first full meal in weeks and went to bed around 7pm. I wake at 4pm to find theses texts asking if he could come over, he was nearby. We live 40 miles apart. Finally said the house was dark so he can 'assume' what that means. I texted that I hope he can relax and follow through will help.

No answer still.

Pretty sure he went to a fancy bar and picked up some whore.

I am sad but focused on my getting better. My T appointment is in 2.5 hours.
Logged

"You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
You were the love of my life
This time we know, we know
It's over..."
Thin Line - Macklemore
Lonely_Astro
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 703



« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2015, 08:32:29 PM »

[quote author=patientandclear link=topic=287335.msg12707556#msg12

You guys get the award for best communication about a BPD breakup. It really usually comes down to this, but neither party has the clarity to just say it and leave it there. Again, he is lucky (and I'm certain it will not be The End of his effort with you.)

Meh. For all the good it does. Another text last night vowing to get help. I sent back and that I hoped so and goodnight.  I ate my first full meal in weeks and went to bed around 7pm. I wake at 4pm to find theses texts asking if he could come over, he was nearby. We live 40 miles apart. Finally said the house was dark so he can 'assume' what that means. I texted that I hope he can relax and follow through will help.

No answer still.

Pretty sure he went to a fancy bar and picked up some whore.

I am sad but focused on my getting better. My T appointment is in 2.5 hours.[/quote]
Jane,

I empathize with where you are.  I have recently split with my pwBPD.  She is medicated and going to DBT (well, as far as I know anyway).  Even with help, at least initially, it doesnt seem to get better.  In fact, she got worse.  Much worse.  Which is what brought me back to this board.  We've had a whirlwind r/s that lasted a year.  The last three months of it she was in DBT (though I never saw proof of it, just her telling me she was going.  But, with that said, she elaborately read about DBT if she wasn't going because of some of the things she said).

I did manage to get to sit down with her face to face and talk about the end of our r/s.  It was very forthcoming and also not at the same time.  She admitted that she didn't want to be with me (and didn't know why) but also said we would get back together again in the future when she could be "who I deserved".  But, you know what?  I don't want to be in a r/s with her because of how unhealthy our r/s has been.  A part of me does want to be, sure, but the logical side of me knows it will never be.

I, like you, am certain that mine has (and has always had) someone "on deck" as you put it.  The last conversation I had with her, I told her as much.  I nonchalantly told her that I knew her well enough to know she wasn't sitting home every night staring at the walls.  She immediately got angry, but I didn't care.  I told her I hoped she stayed with DBT (though she admitted she hadn't been in two weeks) and got the help she needed.

I work with her.  If you don't work with yours, I suggest NC for yourself ASAP.  Its like a band aid, just rip it off (yes, it'll hurt for a few seconds, but that initial pain is better than slowly tearing it off).  If I could do that with my ex, I would.  I have to remain LC with her because of work.  Up until Friday, we were LC via text (though it wasn't really about personal things, just more about me listening to her whine about her problems and me responding with "eh" type of responses).

Good luck and keep us posted!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!