Stress...sorry all over the place

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Having a baby Monday morning (c-section, so major surgery).  My BPD husband and I just had a blow up.  I know that I am definitely stressed and anxious.  I don't trust him, I don't trust his son who will be home while we are in the hospital.  My husband values and teaches popularity and ego and teaches that to his son.  I value respect, manners, politeness, appreciation and quality friends.  That's what I teach to my children.

His oldest son who is an adult, lived with us for 1 year but no longer lives with us, is doing drugs, is a liar and a thief is not allowed in our house.  And even though he agrees with why I don't want him around my children.  Nothing is more important my husband than being the cool dad, being their friend, not being the bad guy.  If he wants to go see him he can, I just don't want him in my house or around my kids.

I am so frustrated.  I should have ended this relationship when I had the chance and the money.  Now I am broke, going on maternity leave and walking into hell.

Advice or encouragement would be helpful.  Feeling really down and now I need more strength and focus for me and my kids.  Thanks.

[Smileypants]

Having a baby Monday morning (c-section, so major surgery).  My BPD husband and I just had a blow up.  I know that I am definitely stressed and anxious.  I don't trust him, I don't trust his son who will be home while we are in the hospital.  My husband values and teaches popularity and ego and teaches that to his son.  I value respect, manners, politeness, appreciation and quality friends.  That's what I teach to my children.

His oldest son who is an adult, lived with us for 1 year but no longer lives with us, is doing drugs, is a liar and a thief is not allowed in our house.  And even though he agrees with why I don't want him around my children.  Nothing is more important my husband than being the cool dad, being their friend, not being the bad guy.  If he wants to go see him he can, I just don't want him in my house or around my kids.

I am so frustrated.  I should have ended this relationship when I had the chance and the money.  Now I am broke, going on maternity leave and walking into hell.

Advice or encouragement would be helpful.  Feeling really down and now I need more strength and focus for me and my kids.  Thanks.

[patientandclear]

Smiley--I feel you.  Man.  I had a baby 11 years ago with someone whom I should  have split from long before.  It was tough even right when she was born -- he acted like he should get some kind of hero award for not drinking for the three days surrounding his kid's birth, then he did drink, a ton, while she was a baby, and he verbally abused me so my kid would ask me "what daddy saying, mommy?" ... .awful.  It took me 2.5 years to get out.  Even then I would not have, except he did something so bad in front of so many people, I could no longer rationalize that it didn't happen or was less serious than it was.  (This was not the BPD r/ship that brings me here BTW.)

I think small steps is going to be crucial for you.  Incremental goals and a lot of self-acceptance and forgiveness that you may not be able to make it all right in every way, right away.  Then follow what you gut tells you about what is right, and what kind of family you want your kid to be around.