boundaries are HARD

[aubin]

I've been on this path of self-discovery and recovery for a few years now. Probably the most important thing I've learned has been how weak my boundaries were in the past and how to set and maintain strong boundaries now. At first it was so hard to do, but it's gotten easier over time. The confidence that I've gained from setting limits and sticking to them has been great. Typically, once I set a boundary, that's all I need to do. The problem is that I've got a new potential pwBPD in my life--my landlord--who is constantly trying to bust boundaries. It's exhausting and it's so so hard to maintain boundaries sometimes. Now I realize why my dxBPDex could so easily steamroll me; I'd get mentally and emotionally depleted so easily that I'd give up on holding onto boundaries almost instantly. So far, I've managed to stick to my guns with the landlord but it's emotionally exhausting. Maintaining boundaries is really hard work.

[letmeout]

I agree, its not easy to learn if you weren't allowed to learn them growing up. I have noted that the older I get, the easier it gets to maintain them, but it still exhausts me emotionally when I have to deal with anyone who tries to break mine.

[eeks]

This is interesting.  It seems to me that good boundaries should function sort of like a good immune system... .detect threats and do their job without too much of a hoopla. 

Maybe the reason why it is hard for some of us is, yes, because we weren't allowed to learn them, but to go further on that, we have beliefs and emotions that we are not aware of that go against maintaining boundaries.  So while we might be consciously aware that we want to maintain boundaries, while we are "pushing", another part of us is "pulling"?

good people don't hurt other people's feelings

mom and dad's needs are more important than the kids'

if someone hurts you, turn the other cheek

don't make a scene in public, you'll embarrass yourself and us

... .or whatever your personal ones may be.

And these beliefs are important to become aware of, and probably serve to protect other important needs (safety and survival in the FOO, maintaining close relationship with parents). 

[valet]

I think that you are right, aubin. Establishing and enforcing our own personal boundaries can be difficult, especially when we find ourselves in the position of not knowing where to start.

For me, personally, when I am pursuing the things that I love to do, they become much, much easier. When the core is strong, the edges are easier to maintain.

Keep up the hard work!

[Reforming]

Completely agree the living your boundaries is hard work.

If they're not strong it can lead you into so many problems in every area of your life. And if you have tendency to doubt yourself you go can go too far, which can alienate people or create conflict.

One of the things I've learned by becoming more aware of my own boundaries to respect the boundaries of others. Something I didn't really realise I was bad at.

Reforming

[gotbushels]

... .Probably the most important thing I've learned has been how weak my boundaries were in the past and how to set and maintain strong boundaries now. ... .Now I realize why my dxBPDex could so easily steamroll me; I'd get mentally and emotionally depleted so easily that I'd give up on holding onto boundaries almost instantly. So far, I've managed to stick to my guns with the landlord but it's emotionally exhausting. Maintaining boundaries is really hard work.

I agree, its not easy to learn if you weren't allowed to learn them growing up. I have noted that the older I get, the easier it gets to maintain them, but it still exhausts me emotionally when I have to deal with anyone who tries to break mine.

This really spoke to me. Nice to see there are other people struggling with this. It might make you feel better to know that I gave in to almost everything before I found out what I was doing. At least now we know and are doing something about it!

Thank you.

[doubleAries]

for me one of the hardest parts about boundaries was how many times I had to remind myself that boundaries are NOT to make other people act the way I want them to, but to protect myself from behavior I do not value. It took a long, long time to imprint that basic lesson upon myself.  And I still have to remind myself of that often.

That reminder also has something else inherent in it--it means I have to examine my own values and be able to articulate them to myself. And I have to examine whether they are outdated or not, whether they are knee-jerk avoidance methods or not, etc. Are they actually values, or are they defense mechanisms?

This all requires personal growth, whereas trying to make others act the way I want them to only requires outrage when they do not.

Not saying this is what anyone else here is doing--just saying "note to self... ."

[aubin]

for me one of the hardest parts about boundaries was how many times I had to remind myself that boundaries are NOT to make other people act the way I want them to, but to protect myself from behavior I do not value.

This was a very difficult lesson for me to learn too. I first learned about boundaries (and my lack of them) during the last few months of my relationship with my BPDexgf. I was so excited to learn something new about myself that I could "fix" and then presumably have everything work out perfectly. For weeks, I just couldn't understand why, now that I was enforcing boundaries, she wouldn't just do the right thing (i.e., act the way I expected her too). It took many more months, long after that relationship crashed and burned, that I learned that having a boundary means enforcing the consequence (shutting down the conversation, leaving the room, leaving the relationship, etc) when the boundary is not respected. I think I valued myself so little at that point that I didn't even see the need to protect myself; I only wanted to change the behaviors of others. I feel like I've come a long way since then. Though enforcing boundaries can still be emotionally exhausting, at the same time it's freeing to know and feel that I can just walk away from any situation that is unhealthy for me.

[disillusionedandsore]

Thank you for this eloquent explanation of boundaries,  particularly "having a boundary means enforcing the consequence"  if the boundary is not respected. I need to remind myself of this... .

That's why they are so hard I guess! 

[doubleAries]

absolutely!

And it takes while to change from "ultimatum" to "consequence"!

[Grey Kitty]

I particularly like this essay on boundaries.

www.alturtle.com/archives/173

One quite from it came to mind when you said how exhausting maintaining them is... .

"I have found that well trained Boundary Skills are not only a joy, but they don’t take much effort. They work smoothly."

The key is that as you train yourself on boundary enforcement skills, you get better, and it gets easier. (The author also said that his training took 20 years!)

Consider a skill you know well like driving. When you were first learning how to drive, it was worrisome, stressful, and exhausting to drive. Now that you've done it for years, you can get in a car and drive a few hours (assuming reasonable weather and traffic) and arrive relaxed.

[gotbushels]

I particularly like this essay on boundaries.

www.alturtle.com/archives/173

One quite from it came to mind when you said how exhausting maintaining them is... .

"I have found that well trained Boundary Skills are not only a joy, but they don’t take much effort. They work smoothly."

The key is that as you train yourself on boundary enforcement skills, you get better, and it gets easier. (The author also said that his training took 20 years!)

Consider a skill you know well like driving. When you were first learning how to drive, it was worrisome, stressful, and exhausting to drive. Now that you've done it for years, you can get in a car and drive a few hours (assuming reasonable weather and traffic) and arrive relaxed.

This was so encouraging! Thank you Grey Kitty!