Will I ever get me life back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

22 weeks (12 weeks NC) since the end of a 3yr relationship with my ex BP, BPD, Schizophrenic GF. Three years of financially and emotionally supporting a person who abused me and escalated to a point whereby she tried to have me arrested for DV three times, culminating in the final event, fabricated evidence and called the police to have me arrested and evicted from my own home. After much therapy and support from friends I thought  Id turned a corner.

Recently I met a wonderful girl whom seems totally normal independent logical responsible and confident. We have been out a few times and last night tried to get intimate which I failed at because right at the moment I should be focused on her all that came to mind was my ex. I Failed :'( Now I know the advice will be obviously its too early but today I have just been spiralling down back to that dark place I was at all those weeks ago. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND

Like so many other BPDptr I gave everything of me to a relationship which spiralled out of control and   has robbed me of my self confidence and now obviously my ability to live my life. Can someone please tell me why I cannot push her from my mind. I can now look rationally and honestly at the dysfunctionality of that relationship but I am really stuck not understanding how she could have taken everything from me destroyed it all and left without even a hint of regret. I would give everything for some closure.

I saw a picture three days ago of her doing promotional work dressed in a skimpy outfit laughing oblivious to my pain but what's more upsetting oblivious to the fact that we ever existed. I don't know what to do, I've made my greatest mistake of my life I just feel like I wish I could leave this world.

[Didntdeservethat]

22 weeks (12 weeks NC) since the end of a 3yr relationship with my ex BP, BPD, Schizophrenic GF. Three years of financially and emotionally supporting a person who abused me and escalated to a point whereby she tried to have me arrested for DV three times, culminating in the final event, fabricated evidence and called the police to have me arrested and evicted from my own home. After much therapy and support from friends I thought  Id turned a corner.

Recently I met a wonderful girl whom seems totally normal independent logical responsible and confident. We have been out a few times and last night tried to get intimate which I failed at because right at the moment I should be focused on her all that came to mind was my ex. I Failed :'( Now I know the advice will be obviously its too early but today I have just been spiralling down back to that dark place I was at all those weeks ago. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND

Like so many other BPDptr I gave everything of me to a relationship which spiralled out of control and   has robbed me of my self confidence and now obviously my ability to live my life. Can someone please tell me why I cannot push her from my mind. I can now look rationally and honestly at the dysfunctionality of that relationship but I am really stuck not understanding how she could have taken everything from me destroyed it all and left without even a hint of regret. I would give everything for some closure.

I saw a picture three days ago of her doing promotional work dressed in a skimpy outfit laughing oblivious to my pain but what's more upsetting oblivious to the fact that we ever existed. I don't know what to do, I've made my greatest mistake of my life I just feel like I wish I could leave this world.

[thisworld]

Hello Didntdeservethat,

You seem to be at a dark place right now, but remember, it's not always dark. Otherwise, you wouldn't have met a new person, attract them or be attracted. I'm sure you had some positive experiences after your abusive relationship. I know that when it seems dark, it seems very dark. And then sometimes, when it's bright, it's very bright. But unlike our previous partners, we have the ability to keep our vision - if not our feelings, right now- somewhere in the middle of the scale. We may have lost this ability temporarily, but it is there. Are you in a dark place, then "for the time being", you are in a dark place.

Recovery has many twists and turns, sometimes two steps ahead and one step back. But if you hang on and work on healing (there are a lot of materials here and also in other places), ultimately you get better. Much much better. To the point of indifference. It doesn't come as quickly as you think it should; however, neither does it take as long as you think it will sometimes. At the moment, you cannot push her from your mind because you haven't healed enough. It is very very normal. There is nothing wrong with you, but you need to actively work on yourself regardless of whom you have in your life or not. Other people cannot cure this for you. They may soothe the pain perhaps, or help you to heal but ultimately, this is with you. 

You say "Like so many other BPDptr I gave everything of me to a relationship which spiralled out of control and   has robbed me of my self confidence and now obviously my ability to live my life." I think this is a generalization because of your sadness right now. You haven't been robbed of your ability to live, you are alive and are able to do a lot things if you think about it, and you will be better.

Per closure, at the moment you may be thinking that your wellness is dependent on that closure. In reality, it is not. Your wellness is dependent on you. This is also a stage in healing. One day, maybe you'll think "I don't need closure. I have seen what I have seen, I'm owning my feelings and that's closure." 

Congratulations on your new date:)) Remember, you are probably a wonderful person, too. You may experience issues with intimacy, but hey, a decent person who is ready to accept you as you are - with your past and the thing you are going through now- will probably be OK with it. In a lot of women's eyes, these things do not position our partners anywhere lower than us, we don't think they are defective or anything - sometimes we wonder whether they will love us enough or something ;-). Still, my two cents is that if you cannot be vulnerable enough with this person and if the thought of future stress is bothering you, it would be good to think about your comfortable boundaries and put extra stress on yourself.

And do you really wish to leave this world with its present and potential beauties, or do you wish to leave these problems behind? The latter may feel so exhausting that we may want to call the quits, but usually, it's not life itself that we want to quit, it's the difficulties.  And they are sorted out.

Best,

   

[C.Stein]

Didntdeservethat,

You are gun shy right now, it is understandable.  :)on't beat yourself up over it.  You got hurt badly, it takes time to heal.  Let yourself heal as it comes, trying to push it faster will just end up prolonging it.  

You haven't been robbed of your ability to live, you are alive and are able to do a lot things if you think about it, and you will be better.

I'll add to this and say you are still allowing your ex to rob you of your life.  The pain and anguish she has left you with is impacting your life.  I know how hard it is to not let that impact you.  I am 4 months out now and my pain is still impacting me in pretty much every aspect of my life.  I'm growing tired of allowing her to still have this much control over me, especially when it appears she has moved on like we were never together at all.  

While I understand that I need time to heal, I also have realized that I am still giving control of my emotions to my ex.  It is no different than how it was when I was in a relationship with her.  In or out of a relationship you should never allow yourself to be emotionally controlled by someone else.  This is not healthy.  

Take control back from her, you can do it ... .so can I.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Didnt-

I Failed :'( Now I know the advice will be obviously its too early but today I have just been spiralling down back to that dark place I was at all those weeks ago. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND

A few months after 3 years isn't very long, and we need to grieve these relationships fully to detach and heal.  I don't know about you, but I didn't realize the damage that had been done when I was lost in the relationship and it wasn't until I'd been out for a while that the fog cleared and I could see more clearly.  You've been out for a little while, and good for you, and instead of considering it "spiralling down back to that dark place", you might consider it going through, instead of down.  The only way out is through.  I figured I'd leave my ex and after a few months I'd be back to my life, nope, it took the better part of a year, which is fine, it is what it is, but I finally had to admit that I needed to not continue to bang up against those feelings towards the relationship, I needed to feel them and feel through them, and there's light after the darkness, but the only way out is through.

Can someone please tell me why I cannot push her from my mind.

You can, but she'll just come back.  As mentioned, it's about feeling through that, not pushing it away, however long it takes.  And how you feel about her, yourself, and life will change as you go through that, which is actually very cool, a profound growth experience if you let it be.

I saw a picture three days ago of her doing promotional work dressed in a skimpy outfit laughing oblivious to my pain but what's more upsetting oblivious to the fact that we ever existed.

She has to do that, it's mandatory.  Think about someone who is in so much emotional pain that they need to develop mental tools like projection and compartmentalization so she can't feel that pain.  We all do that to some extent, but taken to the extreme so that reality warps is called mental illness.  You don't want that.  You're doing it the healthy way, feel all the way through it, process it, grow from it, come out the other side a better version of yourself.  And she will be stuck where she is.

I don't know what to do, I've made my greatest mistake of my life I just feel like I wish I could leave this world.

A the thing about mistakes is they can be great lessons if we use them, the bigger the mistake, the bigger the lesson.  I know, that may sound trite, but I felt exactly the same way you do know, and I now feel better than I've ever felt, am grateful for the relationship and the lessons, and have compassion for my ex and the very tough road she walks, it is possible.  So the important thing right now is to ask the right questions, like "how can I use this?", "what's good about this?", "how does this serve me?".  Those intentional focus shifts will keep you on track as you create your bright future.  Take care of you!

[troisette]

That's my question today Didn'tdeserve that. "Will I ever get my life back?" And no, we didn't deserve it. I'm about 12 weeks nc and having a bad day today, can't stop crying. I empathise with you. It's rotten seeing them apparently enjoying life when they are lodging in our brains like unwanted tenants. "Apparently" of course... .but it's still hard to witness.

Thank you C.Stein, thisworld and HeeltoHeal, your words have helped me too. I know they make sense, it's awful when despair takes over my brain. Triggered by Christmas and an unassociated family problem. The compartments dissolve and it all feels so gut-wrenchingly awful.

But it must get better Didn'tdeservethat. Because if you look at posts on this site from previous years, you'll see very few familiar names. That encourages me, because those people posting then, aren't posting now. And I guess that in time, they did recover and get their lives back.

[C.Stein]

Because if you look at posts on this site from previous years, you'll see very few familiar names. That encourages me, because those people posting then, aren't posting now. And I guess that in time, they did recover and get their lives back.

It will eventually fade to the background, it always does.  That is not saying you won't remember from time to time, I do, even those I haven't seen or heard from in decades.  Some are good memories, some are not  The important thing is, it is just a memory.  There is no longer any emotion attached to it regardless of how strong they were at the time I was forming those memories.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There,

  As the other posters are saying, try not to beat yourself up. This is natural. I am close to seven months out. I am dating this wonderful person. He sent me flowers to work the other day because I had a rough week.

This man is nothing like my ex. He is loving, giving and kind. We have argued but he doesn't leave me... .we talk it out.

It's the holidays and I've FB stalked my ex. I will admit this. I am not proud of it.

All this takes time. We went through a lot with these people and they seem to not care at all.

It's how they survive. BPD is like living with boiling water inside of you. You look normal on the outside but are in massive emotional pain and turmoil inside. She looks happy in her pictures because she has to do whatever she can to survive.

This truly has nothing to do with you.

You will continue to struggle with remembering the bad and will obsess over the good times. I will assure you, the longer you are NC it gets better but you will still have moments. You were emeshed with a emotionally disturbed person. It takes time.

I was dumped before every holiday with the exception of the last one because I had surgery and she actually stuck around.

Don't be alone this holiday. If you don't have anywhere to go or anyone to be with post on here or message me.

Hugs

PW

[SandWitch]

Okay Friend . . . .   

Bit of my recent life.  Monday I lost a good friend to suicide. He had health reasons but has been doing this dance his whole life. I have struggled against it in the past but had an epiphany.  I am a "super feeler", empathetic care taking people pleaser.  I connect deep; I fall too fast. I seem to draw the dysfunction of my FOO in potential mates.  I broke no contact with exBPDbf which resulted in us dancing closer emotionally thru texts. At this painful moment I would be so contented to lay with my head on his chest and feel his arms around me. Forget the world. Forget the reality that he is fantasy driven. Forget that he was back on his quest for casual relations before we made the final split. Like a junkie looking for a fix.  Is he my fix? He said if I could just trust him, believe we are special, be willing to share him, we could be together. Would I sell my soul? Nope  :'(

Recently I met a wonderful girl whom seems totally normal independent logical responsible and confident. We have been out a few times and last night tried to get intimate which I failed at because right at the moment I should be focused on her all that came to mind was my ex. I Failed cry Now I know the advice will be obviously its too early but today I have just been spiralling down back to that dark place I was at all those weeks ago. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND

Have you gone thru the healthy relations lessons at this site.  Too soon?  You did not fail. Unless this girl was supposed to serve as an eraser for your past relation.  Real intimacy is a dance of experiences that builds real trust.  Your greatest mistakes maybe your most beneficial lesson.  You are posting here and fighting to connect to yourself and Life.