taking the next step really hurts

[homefree]

So my friend showed me a post of her and the new guy she put on facebook. I knew she was going away and wasn't sure it was with him until now.

She hadn't shared it with my facebook feed, so at least I don't think it's for my benefit. As I expected she looks beautiful. The new guy is a fitness instructor and I'm sure she's now all about fitness. Which means she will be looking amazing moving forward.

I talked to a friend and decided to block her on facebook. I told my other friend not to share anything with me that might show up on his feed from her.

I also unfriended her sister, which I sometimes scoured for information about her.

I didn't realize how much it would affect me until right as I was making the decision to click on the unfriend link. This is basically the last passive connection I had to her and it really felt like I was saying goodbye this time. Just like deleting her location from my phone, I started crying almost immediately after I did it.

Removing the location from my phone was tremendously freeing for me, even though it hurt like hell to dump it.

I'm sure this will have the same impact. Not seeing her in my communicator list when I logged back it hit me hard.

I just needed to reach out to this board because even though I know this is what I must do, I'm in agony.

it's only been 27 days since I walked away. I'm still early on by all accounts, still in the rough weeds I guess.

Was it hard for others to pull the trigger? How did it feel later? Were you glad you did it? Proud of yourself for it? I feel very lost right now.

Thanks.

[krazyblue]

I definitely feel for you.  I'm just left last mon.  She has rheumatoid arthritis and can't work so she is dependent on me financially.  After 14yrs of abuse, I borrowed money from my sister and rented an apartment.  I smuggled a duffle bag of basics and blankets to sleep on the floor into my truck when she wasn't around.  I knew that she would try to emotionally manipulate me if she caught me. I told her that I was leaving but I don't think that she actually thought I'd do it.  I was stayed no matter how much it hurt.  I told her that I wasn't come home in a couple's therapy session.  I was terrified but I did it. Of course, she is behaving very innocently right and emphasizing how sick she is from her illness to get me to come back and take care of her.  It is taking every once of strength I have to keep from doing it.  I left food in the house.  She gets to stay in the house that we own and all the furniture and stuff. The bills are paid. I gave her money to last her until the end of Jan. She should be able to take care of basic needs for at least a week basic I have done all the shopping, taken care of housework, walked the dog, and worked so that she could just deal with being sick.  Yes, she is tired and in pain but I know she is capable of taking care of her basic needs.  It will be hard but I know she can do it.  I trying to convince myself here.  It hurts like hell not to rescue her but I know now that I can't really help her.  Leaving is the best thing I could do for both of us. You are so strong for leaving and following through.  27 days is quite an achievement.

[Justacowgirl]

Home free

Hang in there! I left 27 days ago as well.  I have made no attempt to contact my BPD but he has emailed and left messages several times.  Although I want to know how he is, because I do care, I know that the best thing for me to be able to start the healing process is not to give in.  I was doing okay until today and after a good cry I came on this board.  It helps me to read the advice of others and know that I'm not alone, and I now feel calm and in control once again.  It's so difficult to delete someone from your life who you care about and love(d), but remember what brought you to this point and find the strength to think of yourself first.

Good luck.

[homefree]

I've had no contact from her during those 27 days. I'm sure their honeymoon period is just starting up, so I don't expect her to even think about me for a couple months. That's probably a good thing because that might give me a good chance to do some healing. You're right though. Deleting someone from your life that is so important is just not something I've ever had to do. Us humans are just not made for this.

[once removed]

hey homefree 

about a month after my breakup i realized she was accessing my email. it took a lot of nerve; her invading my privacy and my fighting for it was a theme of our relationship, and now she was with someone else anyway. mind blowingly insulting. except it was my only connection, too. each time id see her having opened messages i at least knew she was thinking about me, as perverse as it seems now. i let it go on for a long time. i finally changed it, and the resulting depression was extremely deep. it did feel like letting go, something i have a difficult time doing or even saying.   

it also allowed me to truly begin to move on and begin healing, really healing. i had finally leaned into and accepted the pain and the reality. that was the silver lining; it was the hardest part of all, but it truly marked the beginning of my better days, and feeling better. detachment. not just disconnecting from her, disconnecting from the pain and the wounds. i have faith you will feel relief from this soon, homefree, and begin to heal. im rooting for you.

[thisworld]

It wasn't hard for me to pull the trigger, but I'm kind of trained in it. I've been through a divorce once and until the divorce itself, we had already gone through unfortunate things like e-mail snooping, checking phone texts, etc. During our separation, I asked my then husband that I wanted us to block each other because I didn't want him to think like "Oh, what will the wife think about? I wonder if she is watching me" each time he posted something on FB. I knew he would feel this for a while. I felt like I kind of freed my self-image and was my good old individual self. He was relieved, too. Then we didn't choose to be friends again, I think we simply didn't care.

With my BPD ex, we went through a week of him dumping me three times a day and then taking me back (we were co-habiting in my house) and I stopped reminding him that we had agreed not to dump each other each time we experienced stress. We had some CBT tools for this, but he didn't or couldn't use them. When he dumped me after attacking me physically, I said OK, this is it. I had nowhere to go (there isn't a hotel in the vicinity), ensured my safety at home and took my laptop with me - I work with it, he broke the other laptop. I immediately blocked him from FB because I knew he would be posting about us and I wasn't very strong myself after the attack and could be triggered and go and start a fight. Blocking him relieved me a lot. I think there was also a revenge feeling on my side, too, no matter how sad it is - so, you dump me and attack me, here I am blocking you on FB Sad, I know. Still, it helped me at that time.

Now that he is gone, I sometimes crave to see what he is doing even though I never want to be with him again. I know this is about something about myself, it has nothing to do with how our relationship may turn out or how I perceive him as a partner. To me, it's just pointless curiosity, a coping mechanism for something else. I'd rather cope with the real thing and try to heal it.

Not having him on FB really helps, I find it very liberating and I think I'm doing something good for myself. I'm not proud of it but I'm proud when I realize that it's like craving and it wanes. Healing is easier this way I think. I hope it helps you, too.