What do you make of this text

[Scopikaz]

I mentioned to my ex gf who I think has BPD about it a week ago. Im trying to do no contact but difficult. Well she sent me a text yesterday which opened up a conversation. She sent me the following. Is this a good thing?  And if so I need suggestions about how I can best help her or possibly work through things with her if she will allow it.

It's fine. I don't need to know. I guess I just still have a hard time thinking/wondering what things you were lying about that I DIDNT know. I do need counseling. Our conversation about BPD really resonated with me. I do experience highs and lows (NOT in a bi-polar type way). I rarely experience a happy medium for very long. I'm too sensitive and feel like I worry about how I'm affecting others too much. Extreme insecurity about my emotions. Not about career, just average insecurity about physical appearance.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thisworld]

Hi,

I think this is a very good text in terms of content because here is an unhappy person saying that she needs to reach out to find some peace ("I need counselling" I think it is also very positive that she is voicing some of her problems. How I wish every unhappy person could be brave enough do this.

Is this a good thing in terms of your relationship? I wouldn't know. I think, realistically, that could only be decided retrospectively. That is, after some other things have happened. If they are good things, then yes, I would call this good and vice versa. The rest would be prejudiced or informed guesses.

This may be a step towards recycling, then the common experience is obvious. Or it may be an opening to a happy future. In either case, if she has BPD, then this may mean that she is a bit more relaxed at this point.

What would I do at this point?

I think I would prioritize how I could help this person access healthcare that she says she needs (counselling). I wouldn't turn this into a more intimate or personal conversation that could distract us from this goal. Neither would I bring this help as a condition for any kind of intimate relationship. I wouldn't pressure much, either. I would particularly avoid exaggerated statements about how "wonderful" it is etc. They might be scary. I would remain calm, collected and available and try to help her take concrete steps toward counselling.

I wouldn't think about the rest for now. (I would want to think about the rest like crazy, but would say one step at a time to myself )

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It's fine. I don't need to know. I guess I just still have a hard time thinking/wondering what things you were lying about that I DIDNT know. I do need counseling. Our conversation about BPD really resonated with me. I do experience highs and lows (NOT in a bi-polar type way). I rarely experience a happy medium for very long. I'm too sensitive and feel like I worry about how I'm affecting others too much. Extreme insecurity about my emotions. Not about career, just average insecurity about physical appearance.

She is reaching back... .opening a door to possibly resolve things.

I sent her a message recently. Was probably admittedly harsh. Asked where are we going, what are her priorities (she seems to enjoy a drink more than I and a good club - though we rarely went to any, we had recently a couple times with her single sister who is also emotionally unstable).

I also used the word loser in questioning her friends. I know. Dumb.

Anyhow four days later she moved out.

She has so much good In her though. And I can't help but think I drove her away by making her feel more worthless and insecure instead of loving her better

I do want her back but I doubt she will have a change of heart either now or in future.

And she moved back in with the younger girl who likes to party

Can I get her back and why do I even want to ?

It might help to look back at how this broke down.  You said you were hard on her.  What happened?

[Scopikaz]

Early on In our year and a half of dating I was texting other women. Old high school

Friends who helped me during my divorce. And in a couple cases old girl friends i was still friends with.  

She was upset and confronted me back then, but I still did it secretly. Until she found out.

Also over course of year and a half we had maybe five arguments that escalated and became overly emotional on both sides.

But in November I questioned her priorities for liking this particular bar so much. I drink too and go to karaoke bar or shoot pool. But this bar is a dance club with 90 percent singles looking to score.  We went with her sister twice in October. She had great time. I didn't like atmosphere.  

Then her friends seem to love drinking a lot too. Always posting pictures drinking. Partying etc.

I called them losers . So she didn't like that or that i questioned her priorities. I was sort of harsh I know.

So she walked out that week.  

Now I'm trying to decide is she sincere or just trying to string me along.

She's said she doesn't want to talk about getting back together. But she wants to keep me In her life and cares for me more than anyone other than family.

If she really does have BPD or just deep emotional issues then is she sincere or is she just stringing me along in case as a backup etc.

[livednlearned]

Hi Scopikaz,

Any new texts from her? Did you send her anything in response?

If she is looking for friendship only, are you good with that?

[Scopikaz]

Ugh. Too much has happened since then. But I need to go no contact. I keep saying that. But haven't fully yet. She has said she cares about me And doesn't want to lose me. I am good with friends I think once I get in a better place.  Though truthfully I still love her and want her back.


I made dumb mistake of reaching out to her ex husband. He didn't tell her we talked. But did send her a message telling her she's broken. And will always be alone. And turning to alcohol won't fix her.

Which must have been awful for her to hear and I feel sick about it now.

It's why I must try to move on. If I really loved her I would trust her to God. And if you love something set it free.