BPD mother and pregnancy

[Lalasalad]

Hello,

whoever is reading this, please keep reading. I feel really sad and it would mean everything to me to have someone listen.

I'll start from the beginning.

Background: My mother has not been diagnosed with BPD, but I'm 99.9% sure she has it. She's VERY controlling. Like she used to track my car miles, have friends spy on me, threatened to ruin my credit if I moved in with one boyfriend but not the one she liked... .you get the idea. I've also been her "favorite person" my entire life. She relied on me for her happiness. She pushed other people out of my life. She lies. But I never even thought any of this wasn't normal. She made me feel guilty and like I owed her everything.

So to begin, she had a life planned for me when I graduated. I was not supposed to have any serious relationships, I was supposed to travel, have a career, ect. She said I shouldn't have a serious relationship until 30.

Well, I've always been a gentle maternal type. I LOVE babies. Loved babysitting. In my heart, my dream life was to settle down for a quiet life as a Stay at home mom. You see, when I grew up, we moved over 20 times, things were always changing, my mom was dating a different guy... .it wasn't bad but I wanted quiet and predictable, you know?

So my first year of college, I had moved out. She had a meltdown. Her worked called me frequently saying she hadn't shown up. Her friends would call me asking me where she was. She was over sleeping. Then she told me she was suicidal. And she lost her job. She spiraled even further, and was a complete nightmare to talk to.

By this time, I couldn't afford college and was working a 40 hour job to make ends meet. I was in a serious relationship, and I wanted to move in together. Of course, she had a complete fit. She said she'd come and bring me back home, I'd be in trouble, she'd ruin my credit, ect. Seriously, this guy was WONDERFUL. He was respectful, hard working, and frankly everything I wanted in a partner. So I decided to move in anyway.

Things got worse. She'd called and yell at me "YOU DONT LOVE ME!" and when I said she could move in, she yelled I didn't mean it and never to say that again. So next time she said "I don't know where I'll go" I said "there are some nice apartments at alksdj" she said "don't ask me to move in or anything" sarcastically.

So I've had enough and I get married and we find out we're expecting. I was SO excited, though it wasn't planned. Yes, I was 20. But like I said, motherhood is for me. I called her to tell her. She starting wailing "Why did you do this to me? Did you do this on purpose to break me?" and I said I wished she could be happy for me. She said "I wish I could be too" and wouldn't talk to me for two weeks.

My pregnancy needless to say was spent with me feeling like a whore and constantly crying after phone calls.

When the baby came, she decided she was the new angel. She was in the delivery room and took the baby right from my arms before my husband even held her.

She came over everyday and completely ignored everything I said to her while she held the baby. So I told her I wanted the first week to myself to get acquainted with motherhood. She had a meltdown! She said she was going to commit suicide if I told her she couldn't come over again.

I moved. She NEVER calls. Even on holidays.

I told her I'm pregnant again. She said "Was it planned?" I said yes. Then a half hearted "congratulations". Monotoned. Unhappy.

I can't help but be upset. I'm SOO happy in every aspect of my life, but her disapproval means so much to me. She's always told me her opinion should mean everything to me.

Words of comfort?

[Turkish]

"Was it planned," how hurtful... .I'm sorry, Lalasalad.

I'm aghast that she grabbed your baby before her dad or you. It's good that you have enforced boundaries...

It's still so sad that sh,hgre continues to make your life all about her. A new baby should be a joyful time. It is.

What are you thinkning going forward? I imagine that she isn't going to be invited to be there for this delivery, no?

[tenacity]

Hello Lalasalad and welcome   

First, congratulations on your pregnancy   

The one constant I see all through your post is the outrageous level of selfishness your mother has where your relationship is concerned.   Bpd parents/people tend to act a lot like self centered children that never grow up. You have stood strong with your boundaries and that is great! SHE doesn't like it because in her eyes she should always be the center of your life. Sadly when we have children, they see our babies as competition so either they attempt to make the new baby the golden child or they have no use for them. When making your new baby her golden child failed... .it sounds like she used the suicide threat as a last resort to play on your sympathies.

In some ways her not calling could be a good thing actually. It gives you the time and space to take care of yourself especially during your pregnancy.  You don't deserve to have her insults, sulking, name calling or whatever she decides to dish out at all, ever, and especially now. That kind of stress is never good for us or our bodies. It is totally understandable that you are upset. That kind of treatment would upset most people and the BPD counts on that. The thing is we "learned" to have their approval or disapproval mean so much to us and it can be unlearned.   They programmed us to feel that way and that is one huge way they manipulate us. We can get to the point tho where we see it as a tool they use, a temper tantrum or whatever and recognize it isn't our fault and we have done nothing wrong to cause it. Once they realize it doesn't work, they do stop and move on to one of their other little tricks in their manipulative bag of tricks. It is all they know how to do. The best thing we can do is continue to ignore it.

Some words of comfort  ... .you knew at a young age what you wanted to do and followed your heart. That is such a great accomplishment especially considering all that you had to work against to get there. You are a natural mom and a good mom and that is something to be VERY proud of   Know that you have done absolutely nothing wrong to merit the treatment you are getting from your mom. Take a deep breath and just let her not call you if that is how she is going to be. Take care of you, enjoy your family and know that you are doing everything in your power to break the cycle that your mom started... .and  you are succeeding. SHE is responsible for herself and her feelings/actions... .you are only responsible for yourself and your children. It seems like aside from your mom you have your "dream life" which is fantastic :-) Keep focusing on that and try really hard to not focus on her. Even if just for a few minutes a day and then work up to longer periods of time where you just don't let yourself think about her until it becomes a new habit. This is your time right now.     

[Stolen]

Not sure if this adds comfort, but please know you are not alone.  Two similar stories from long ago:

1. uBPDxW informs her (evil) mother the wonderful news that we are expecting our first child.  MIL :"How dare you, I am not ready to be a grandmother... ."

2. uPBDxW in labor with D #1.  MIL attempts to push her way into delivery room, and I physically block her and send her back to waiting room.  Her retort to SIL: "F Stolen, he'll get his for doing this to me... ."

And I did.  I certainly did.

It's like they all read the same playbook.

[Please help]

Wow. I was getting ready to post something similar to this. Your happiness can only come from you. You mother will never provide the feelings you biologically need her to ( maternal love).

My suggestion is learn to love yourself and understand her sickness will only bring you down. I have been NC with my parents for almost 25 years. I spoke to father 5x over this period. He reached out as his kids from another marriage were out of control and he needed help. I just had a baby and my wife suggested I contact him. I decided against it as nothing positive will come from it.

Please be strong, protect yourself and your children and learn how to deal with the pain of not having a parent's love. Trust me, after 25 years, the pain is still there.