Emotional stability - illusion?

[blackbirdsong]

During my post breakup activities and work on my inner self I recognized a lot of things that were burdens on my 'happiness path'.

I always wanted to live in the past or future, but the least in the present time.

Also, the relationship with my BPD partner showed me that I also imagined the love in a wrong way. I was seeking for a person that will complete me, fulfill my 'imbalances'. But this is not the right path, no one can complete us. We need to make ourselves a complete person. And as a complete person to enter a relationship.  And I also imagined a love as a completely unselfish constant giving. Now I believe that being selfish is not a taboo. We are allowed to be 'selfish' in order to love our inner self. We need to do that. We need to love ourselves, because if we don't we won't be able to love someone else in a healthy way. 

But now I am worried because of one thing. Because of my awareness of my emotional instability and while working on it,  now I see a lot of emotional instability in other persons in my environment. Actually, I would say that now I don't know anyone that I would describe as "emotionally stable person". If we consider the precondition that in order to love some, you need to love yourself - but also considering the fact that due to our emotional instability we don't love ourselves enough - does that mean that we cannot find someone who can actually love us? Neither that we can actually love someone?

It is highly philosophical question, but I hope you understand my point. This question actually scares me.   

[fromheeltoheal]

But now I am worried because of one thing. Because of my awareness of my emotional instability and while working on it,  now I see a lot of emotional instability in other persons in my environment. Actually, I would say that now I don't know anyone that I would describe as "emotionally stable person". If we consider the precondition that in order to love some, you need to love yourself - but also considering the fact that due to our emotional instability we don't love ourselves enough - does that mean that we cannot find someone who can actually love us? Neither that we can actually love someone?

It is highly philosophical question, but I hope you understand my point. This question actually scares me.   

You're digging BBS, and good for you!

Do you know how you define 'emotionally stable' and 'emotionally unstable'?  And it seems you're saying 'emotionally unstable' includes the inability to love ourselves enough?  It may be helpful to expand on your definitions, and you mention you see a lot of emotional instability in your environment; do you know of anyone you would consider emotionally stable?  Do they love themselves?

I've dug into these questions more than once, and for me, we're all imperfect creatures floating on a rock in the middle of nowhere, perfectly imperfect, and the only thing we have that really matters is love, available to us if we so choose, from ourselves or someone else.  And everyone's weird; the folks we consider 'normal' are just people who are weird in the same direction we are, and weird and loving can live in the same soul pretty well.  I dunno, fits for me... .

[blackbirdsong]

You're digging BBS, and good for you!

Do you know how you define 'emotionally stable' and 'emotionally unstable'?  And it seems you're saying 'emotionally unstable' includes the inability to love ourselves enough?  It may be helpful to expand on your definitions, and you mention you see a lot of emotional instability in your environment; do you know of anyone you would consider emotionally stable?  Do they love themselves?

I've dug into these questions more than once, and for me, we're all imperfect creatures floating on a rock in the middle of nowhere, perfectly imperfect, and the only thing we have that really matters is love, available to us if we so choose, from ourselves or someone else.  And everyone's weird; the folks we consider 'normal' are just people who are weird in the same direction we are, and weird and loving can live in the same soul pretty well.  I dunno, fits for me... .

Yes, believe me, I am digging. Maybe too much and to intensive in this short period of time. I actually think I need to back off a little bit and start other activities in my life.  I am starting to be obsessed with this.

Like I said - based on my current understanding of the 'emotional stability', I don't know a person who fits this definition. It is like a holy grail of life. To me, now, it represents the fully acceptance of your inner self.  Something that we cannot achieve, because - you also said we are imperfect.

So you have persons in my life, who I consider that they like their inner self in different degrees.

E.g., someone I consider 'normal' has higher degree of love towards inner self and my ex BPD girlfriend has lo(oo)w degree.

But your sentence made me thinking:

the folks we consider 'normal' are just people who are weird in the same direction we are, and weird and loving can live in the same soul pretty well.

So you think the answer is to find the person who has the same level of emotional instability in order to love them in a 'healthy' way?

I know that the answer is not to find the person complementary to your emotional development, because, like I said - finding in your partner something that is missing in you is wrong. We can't seek a person to complete us.

[thisworld]

Rest assured my friend, love is still possible in every imaginable way - practical, psychological, philosophical.

I think we are at a realization stage at the moment, trying to make sense of what has happened to us. On our way to recovery, we are receiving new information, learning new things and are naturally applying that information to our environment. But we are a bit sensitized so we notice it everywhere! It's a bit like selective attention maybe. When I'm involved in a court case for instance, I notice lawyers' signs everywhere. When I'm ill, oh, the world is full of pharmacists. When I read about invalidation for the first time because of my FOO  (narc mum), I started hearing invalidating comments everywhere. All of a sudden, the world was full of narcissists! I was scared. It was good in a way because I realized advantages and disadvantages of my environment better. It told me what to stay away from and whom to approach. Yet, the ratio of narcissists probably remained the same:)) After a while, I realized that although I started noticing certain traits in myself and in people with more clarity, not everyone was equally narcissistic and everyone had shades of gray. Some, despite their narcissistic traits for example, they had other things to offer to the world. Some were not narcissistic actually, maybe simply arrogant.

I think every single human on earth has some stability and some instability. Everyone has things that appeal to us and things that don't. Things that we think we can live with and things we choose not to. Similarly, because we don't love ourselves to a certain degree doesn't mean that we completely hate ourselves. Love exists in us in different degrees. We will be alright if we manage to cultivate it to a healthy degree - we will notice it when we have because we will be truly happy- and relate to others that possess a similar degree of love in them. That is my definition of a healthy mutual love relationship. I'm scared right now too, but I think we shouldn't allow hurt and fear determine our expectations. Actually, we are stronger with what we have learnt now. We are closer to love.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

Like I said - based on my current understanding of the 'emotional stability', I don't know a person who fits this definition. It is like a holy grail of life. To me, now, it represents the fully acceptance of your inner self.  Something that we cannot achieve, because - you also said we are imperfect.

So you're saying you cannot fully accept your inner self because you are imperfect.  Can you accept your imperfections?  No human is perfect, in fact it's the lowest standard because it's impossible, which is why I prefer believing humans are perfectly imperfect, and all we need is within us now.  Is it possible to fully accept your imperfect self, realizing you are exactly who you're supposed to be and where you're supposed to be right now because you say so?  

But your sentence made me thinking:

the folks we consider 'normal' are just people who are weird in the same direction we are, and weird and loving can live in the same soul pretty well.

So you think the answer is to find the person who has the same level of emotional instability in order to love them in a 'healthy' way?

I know that the answer is not to find the person complementary to your emotional development, because, like I said - finding in your partner something that is missing in you is wrong. We can't seek a person to complete us.

Is it possible to create a relationship with someone who is at your level of emotional development without also looking to them to 'complete' you?  We do tend to get into relationships with people with a similar level of emotional maturity, at least the ones that last, and what if a healthy relationship is one where two complete people, who are complete because they say so, come together and create this thing between them called a relationship, something that needs to be nurtured and cared for, but doesn't involve giving up parts of themselves?  We are social animals, born to connect, and the longing for connection doesn't necessarily mean something in us is missing, it means to have a 'complete' experience of life and be fulfilled as humans, that connection is necessary.

All just my beliefs, feel free to steal if you see some value.

[blackbirdsong]

Like I said - based on my current understanding of the 'emotional stability', I don't know a person who fits this definition. It is like a holy grail of life. To me, now, it represents the fully acceptance of your inner self.  Something that we cannot achieve, because - you also said we are imperfect.

So you're saying you cannot fully accept your inner self because you are imperfect.  Can you accept your imperfections?  No human is perfect, in fact it's the lowest standard because it's impossible, which is why I prefer believing humans are perfectly imperfect, and all we need is within us now.  Is it possible to fully accept your imperfect self, realizing you are exactly who you're supposed to be and where you're supposed to be right now because you say so?  

But your sentence made me thinking:

the folks we consider 'normal' are just people who are weird in the same direction we are, and weird and loving can live in the same soul pretty well.

So you think the answer is to find the person who has the same level of emotional instability in order to love them in a 'healthy' way?

I know that the answer is not to find the person complementary to your emotional development, because, like I said - finding in your partner something that is missing in you is wrong. We can't seek a person to complete us.

Is it possible to create a relationship with someone who is at your level of emotional development without also looking to them to 'complete' you?  We do tend to get into relationships with people with a similar level of emotional maturity, at least the ones that last, and what if a healthy relationship is one where two complete people, who are complete because they say so, come together and create this thing between them called a relationship, something that needs to be nurtured and cared for, but doesn't involve giving up parts of themselves?  We are social animals, born to connect, and the longing for connection doesn't necessarily mean something in us is missing, it means to have a 'complete' experience of life and be fulfilled as humans, that connection is necessary.

All just my beliefs, feel free to steal if you see some value.

I need to process this.

Just started thinking about this.

It is really strange that I learned about myself more in the last two months than in previous years of my life. Now that is scary... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I need to process this.

Just started thinking about this.

It is really strange that I learned about myself more in the last two months than in previous years of my life. Now that is scary... .

And therein lies the gift of the relationship.  The teacher arrives when the student is ready, and sometimes teachers show up in unique packaging, yes?

[blackbirdsong]

I need to process this.

Just started thinking about this.

It is really strange that I learned about myself more in the last two months than in previous years of my life. Now that is scary... .

And therein lies the gift of the relationship.  The teacher arrives when the student is ready, and sometimes teachers show up in unique packaging, yes?

In a unique, for sure... .