40 Days NC

[joel6242]

First of all I can not believe I have done it but I have. I got a two week job in Tampa and being away is helping me. The job is probably going to be more like a year in the end. Things are changing for me but I am fighting to find a way through this. I typically work from home and am a little reclusive. The last month has been bad, I finally shaved off my beard and took a shower after 10 days. I have also stopped eating. It has been so bad because I blame myself for everything.

The truth is hard to deal with, I have been with two BPD in my life and both had secret lives. The only difference between this time and the incident 20 years ago, is that I think I can control it which I can not. I feel that I should be able to handle this situation but really can not.

First steps is that I have to do a good job with this contract. Next steep is try to fix the rest of my life which includes the finical mess that I am in. If I can do number one, number two is easy. I need to completely let go of my BPD, I have not done that yet because I feel that I can salvage this situation. It is not salvageable at all. Just like 20 years ago, this is another person dragging me into the pits of hell with them. The last and the most difficult item is to become a person that can love and be loved with out me trying to fix.

Last year I was in Paris at one of the best hotel with my BPD, this year I have  had to borrow money to get through December. 2015 has been the worst year of my life and understand I did the recycle thing 5 maybe 6 times. Did the secret life stop, NO. My goal is to get off this message board and meet someone nice, no more fixer-up-ers for me. I spend the last does of 2015 trying to make next year better. No Christmas for me. I am happy with that because I seem to be fighting back. I am going to survive this.

[C.Stein]

Knowing when enough is enough is the first step towards the rest of your life.   

[Aga Khan]

I'm beginning thinking there are no "nons" out there. All of us have personality disorder traits of one kind or another, it's what makes us human. I shudder to think of humanity as Stepford Wives (or husbands), so my issue is how to handle it. Do we all become psychologists? Actually, I have found this site amazingly liberating. I relish in all the codifying, relating and knowledge on relationships. I was completely ignorant, I feel less so now, day by day.

My therapy, in helping to understand myself first of all, is to read as many posts on this site as I can, one day at a time. The more I read, the more complete I start to feel. I think that must be a healing process? My current stormy relationship with a BPDgf has left me angry, confused, bitter, sad, full of remorse and self pity, hungry for more pain, and exhausted physically... .I immediately started another relationship, which fulfilled every single need and want I demanded from my BPDgf. I just forgot to ask myself of the BPDgf relationship... "what do I want?" and "am I getting it?". I allowed the relationship to become toxic because I wasn't thinking of my own needs.