I don't know what I want anymore

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My exPWBPD left five months ago. I've gone through quite a bit to become a stronger person in that time. I have also continued to miss her, and quietly hope we will end up together again, just with a better relationship because of my new skills. At the same time, the longer we are apart, the more grateful I am that I don't have to deal with her dysregulations. I don't have to worry about her becoming incredibly irritated, or even ending the relationship, because I misunderstood something she said.

My energy goes into myself now, into making a life that I want, not wondering how she will be, or how much longer before she stops being mad.

And now she seems to be testing the waters again, like she used to when she was going to initiate contact again. She tries for casual interactions online, but then nothing for a week or more. But then she does it again. It is possible she just likes seeing if I'm still there. It's just that this is exactly what she used to do before contacting me directly.

And I've wanted this, and I feel so much more ready than I did before. But part of me just doesn't want to deal with all that anymore, even if I do have better skills now. And this is sh*tty, but yes, part of me doesn't want to leave her alone if she wants my support. I worked so hard to build her trust. I value that greatly. I don't want to turn her away.

I don't know how to balance my own needs with hers. If she comes back, I won't turn her away. I guarantee it. But I'm sick of loving someone that isn't able to love me in the same way. I'm just really confused.

[whitebackatcha]

My exPWBPD left five months ago. I've gone through quite a bit to become a stronger person in that time. I have also continued to miss her, and quietly hope we will end up together again, just with a better relationship because of my new skills. At the same time, the longer we are apart, the more grateful I am that I don't have to deal with her dysregulations. I don't have to worry about her becoming incredibly irritated, or even ending the relationship, because I misunderstood something she said.

My energy goes into myself now, into making a life that I want, not wondering how she will be, or how much longer before she stops being mad.

And now she seems to be testing the waters again, like she used to when she was going to initiate contact again. She tries for casual interactions online, but then nothing for a week or more. But then she does it again. It is possible she just likes seeing if I'm still there. It's just that this is exactly what she used to do before contacting me directly.

And I've wanted this, and I feel so much more ready than I did before. But part of me just doesn't want to deal with all that anymore, even if I do have better skills now. And this is sh*tty, but yes, part of me doesn't want to leave her alone if she wants my support. I worked so hard to build her trust. I value that greatly. I don't want to turn her away.

I don't know how to balance my own needs with hers. If she comes back, I won't turn her away. I guarantee it. But I'm sick of loving someone that isn't able to love me in the same way. I'm just really confused.

[Svarl1]

For me, it's your last paragraph which sums up the dilemma:

"I won't turn her away. I guarantee it. But I'm sick of loving someone that isn't able to love me in the same way."

If you guarantee to take her back then you give up power over your life. You can't force her to behave in a way that's compatible with the way you want your own life to be.

Can you accept that in order for you to have a calmer life, then your love needs to be given somewhat conditionally.

I know nothing about your circumstances, but I'd hazard that the following things would be required BEFORE you make any further commitment to each other:

1. A good support network for you.

You say that you're building the life you want, which is brilliant.  I hope this includes (re) connecting with those who care about you. People who would become concerned if your time and energy were to again become fully consumed by your partner.

2. A good support network for her.

I don't know what people she has in her life, but if it's only going to be you then the pressure on you might not be easily bearable.

If you can see that she's able to build good, reciprocal, friendships with solid, grown-up people, this will indicate that she is willing and able to interact in a constructive manner, at least for the time she socialices with them.

See if you can persuade her that you both need to build your own lives before rebuilding the relationship.

3. An attitude that says a relationship is the icing and not the cake.

You make it quite clear that you care deeply for this person but are now wanting to avoid a life of worry and drama. This is normal and healthy.

What is also healthy is to hold the opinion that a relationship should benefit the lives of both people involved.  Without this belief there is a risk of abuse and/or resentment for one or both parties.

I strongly recommend that you also see this belief in your partner before becoming close again. How you know it's genuine and not just what she thinks you want to hear, I don't know.

4. The openness for both of you to share, up front, what behaviours you are willing and unwilling to live with. And the commitment of each of you to accept the others conditions without judgment.  

This might seem overly formal, but as you have been hurt in the past then I hope your partner would understand why you might ask this.

And if you are unable to agree terms of acceptable behaviour then the strength to walk away.

5. The acceptance that the relationship may fail, or that you may have to walk away if she prevents you from having a peaceful and fulfilling life.

You need to be able to live with this possibility without feeling like a failure, or feeling personal responsibility for another adult.

Easier said than done, I know.  I recommend you speak with a therapist about this, if it's something you find especially difficult to confront in your mind.

It might seem a negative outcome to think about, but consider: if you know you'll never allow yourself to be stuck in a relationship that you resent, you may allow yourself more freedom to express your love and happiness while it lasts.

If you begin to reestablish contact, do you think you can share these points (or ones of your choosing), so that your partner understands the basis you'll require for any further relationship you may have?

[C.Stein]

I'm dealing with the same feelings.  I think I can do better at managing myself and the relationship with the knowledge I have now but I just don't know if I want to throw myself back into the fire ... .if it were even an option.

It is beyond difficult to be in a relationship of unequals.  To love and respect someone so much and not have it returned in like rips you apart.  The lack of respect is the worst I think.  While it didn't happen all that frequently with my ex, it happened enough where it pushed me away and devalued me.  This naturally impacts your own self-esteem and self-confidence as you question what you are doing wrong ... .what did I do to deserve this. 

I am beginning to believe that in order to have a successful relationship with a pwBPD you need to maintain a safe emotional distance in order to protect yourself and to keep them stable.  This is exceptionally difficult because doing this also impacts the level of intimacy in the relationship. 

At my age I am more interested in that intimate connection, one that is based on mutual respect, love and trust in each other.   I want to be emotionally close to my partner AND feel safe in doing so.  I want to feel safe being vulnerable with my partner and not have my emotions avoided, marginalize and ignored.   When this happens it just demoralizes you with the consequence of distancing and withdrawal. 

How do you protect yourself from this and still achieve the closeness you desire?  When your partner treats your emotional well being like a disposable rag how does one achieve this closeness?   I don't have any answers just confusion.

[unicorn2014]

If you are valuing your freedom, then that is a sign. Do you think if she got a therapist it would help you feel more confident? I am sorry I don't know your story.  Generally peer to peer relationships help a person with BPD if they acknowledge the disorder and are trying to get better.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey whiteback, You seem caught in a dilemma.  What do you want to see happen? If you are unsure, suggest you listen to your gut feelings and focus more on what you want rather than what her needs might be.  I sense you have a codependent side (don't we all?) which you might want to explore before you jump into the BPD soup again.  Are you putting her needs ahead of yours?

LuckyJim

[whitebackatcha]

Can you accept that in order for you to have a calmer life, then your love needs to be given somewhat conditionally.

I know nothing about your circumstances, but I'd hazard that the following things would be required BEFORE you make any further commitment to each other:

1. A good support network for you.

You say that you're building the life you want, which is brilliant.  I hope this includes (re) connecting with those who care about you. People who would become concerned if your time and energy were to again become fully consumed by your partner.

2. A good support network for her.

I don't know what people she has in her life, but if it's only going to be you then the pressure on you might not be easily bearable.

If you can see that she's able to build good, reciprocal, friendships with solid, grown-up people, this will indicate that she is willing and able to interact in a constructive manner, at least for the time she socialices with them.

See if you can persuade her that you both need to build your own lives before rebuilding the relationship.

3. An attitude that says a relationship is the icing and not the cake.

You make it quite clear that you care deeply for this person but are now wanting to avoid a life of worry and drama. This is normal and healthy.

What is also healthy is to hold the opinion that a relationship should benefit the lives of both people involved.  Without this belief there is a risk of abuse and/or resentment for one or both parties.

I strongly recommend that you also see this belief in your partner before becoming close again. How you know it's genuine and not just what she thinks you want to hear, I don't know.

4. The openness for both of you to share, up front, what behaviours you are willing and unwilling to live with. And the commitment of each of you to accept the others conditions without judgment.  

This might seem overly formal, but as you have been hurt in the past then I hope your partner would understand why you might ask this.

And if you are unable to agree terms of acceptable behaviour then the strength to walk away.

5. The acceptance that the relationship may fail, or that you may have to walk away if she prevents you from having a peaceful and fulfilling life.

You need to be able to live with this possibility without feeling like a failure, or feeling personal responsibility for another adult.

Easier said than done, I know.  I recommend you speak with a therapist about this, if it's something you find especially difficult to confront in your mind.

It might seem a negative outcome to think about, but consider: if you know you'll never allow yourself to be stuck in a relationship that you resent, you may allow yourself more freedom to express your love and happiness while it lasts.

If you begin to reestablish contact, do you think you can share these points (or ones of your choosing), so that your partner understands the basis you'll require for any further relationship you may have?

I agree with all your points, actually. I do have a good support system, although I don't think she does. She won't do therapy, she just won't. She refuses to be labeled, even though she had admitted her faults at times. She knows she is emotional and difficult. Number 4 is tripping me up, because I'm scared of being really negative and pushing her away. If there is ever a discussion, I want it to be about the future, not the past. I just also know that putting a bunch of demands on her is going to make her defensive. I think part of why she left was that I started having boundaries, stopped chasing her when she would run away, and she was uncomfortable with the new power balance. I think I need to figure out my own boundaries first, to at least have a starting point. It's just hard because she will always be challenging, so I don't want to be unrealistic. Abuse isn't okay, but things are a lot more complicated than just that.

Number 5 is a huge issue for me. It is what kept me from having boundaries in the first place. Abandonment is a huge issue for me. I'm sure that's part of why I'm so scared of getting hooked into something that makes me uncomfortable again.

[whitebackatcha]

Hey whiteback, You seem caught in a dilemma.  What do you want to see happen? If you are unsure, suggest you listen to your gut feelings and focus more on what you want rather than what her needs might be.  I sense you have a codependent side (don't we all?) which you might want to explore before you jump into the BPD soup again.  Are you putting her needs ahead of yours?

LuckyJim

I'm definitely a caretaker. I've been reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and it's like the author interviewed me before writing the book. I don't want to be that way, at least, not as much. I'm in therapy, doing DBT, and reading a lot.

Honestly, I guess what I wish is that I had been in this place years ago, when I first met her, because I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with her in the first place. Now I'm here, and it feels like we are meant to be in each others' lives, yet I don't want to put up with crap anymore. I want her to realize how difficult she is, and to stop the worst behaviors. I'm scared she can't do it. I also see how much focus I put on her, which I enjoyed at the time, but now I'm wondering if she is even capable of returning even a fraction of that attention. She's not NPD, she's just independent and clueless, and I'm to the point where I would like to be with someone that makes me feel appreciated. Maybe she can do that, but maybe she can't.

[unicorn2014]

I have to say for me that when people start talking about diagnosis as labels I start walking in the other direction. My first husband was an untreated bipolar who didn't believe in mental illness and I never want to walk down that road again. My belief is that diagnosis are very useful because they help people get treatment. Without a diagnosis its just shooting at a target in the dark. If your person has borderline and refuses therapy you are have a very hard road ahead of you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey white back,  Waiting for a pwBPD to take responsibility for his/her behavior and curtail it is a thankless vigil, in my view.  Better to put your energy where your power is, i.e., the things within your control.  Pointless, in my view, to wait for a pwBPD to make changes (believe me, I've done it).

LuckyJim

[cloudten]

Hey White,

You completely control the peace and drama in your life. I agree with Lucky Jim. I did it countless times... .and each time was less and less successful.

Thinking you have the power to go back and change something will keep you stuck. Yes, you can change you, but it isn't going to change her. She can't change without intensive outpatient therapy which she diligently and honestly attends. Possible? Maybe. Likely? hmmm... .I don't know your pwBPD.

However, sometimes we need to keep going back to the cookie jar and eating cookies until we just can't eat one more cookie.

Each time I went back, my own recovery has been harder and longer... .and my own sense of failure has grown deeper. The only thing that really keeps me going in NC and keeps me from returning to my drug of choice is knowing that I never want to go through this painful withdrawal again... .but he cannot provide me the guarantee I need that I will never go through withdrawal again. The only way for me is to stay my NC course. That's my story anyway.

[whitebackatcha]

Well, I appreciate everyone's honesty. I have seen her take responsibility before, but can she be in control of her actions enough that it doesn't make me miserable? I don't know. It's unlikely, I suppose.

Thanks for your input.