How long have you been in NC when they contacted you again?

[Should I stay or...]

Currently NC for 4 months out... .still wake up and fall asleep with her on my mind.

[Joem678]

I initiated NC two months ago.  She tried repeatedly to get me to talk to her.  Three weeks ago she stopped.

[Joem678]

Who initiated NC?

[Should I stay or...]

she was very vague in our last call about our relationship then ran into her two weeks later... .we spoke briefly,

I asked her what were her thoughts about us since I hadn't heard back from her when she said she would call me... .

She said; "we tried," I've heard that expression several times before... .I haven't contacted her since

[MakingMyWay]

I am roughly 4 months NC. My friends and I have had various requests from fake Facebook profiles which think was her, but apart from that there has been no contact. I dont expect contact until the replacement relationship finishes or is on the rocks. Just to give you the perspective of somebody who hasn't been contacted yet.

[hopealways]

5 months NC, in the past she would always come back after 1-2 months.

[FlyFish]

I truly think it depends on the relationships. I went through 3 breakup phases. All of them in which I went strict NC. The first time lasted 2 weeks. She broke contact. We got back together. The second time lasted a month. She broke contact. We got back together. The third breakup is ongoing. I cracked and contacted her after two weeks (which was stupid and desperate) and have been strict NC for over 3 months. She broke contact three weeks ago by leaving a voicemail. I still haven't listened to it so have no clue about her intentions. I know I can't keep on going through the emotional turmoil that these relationships entail and yet I don't know if I am strong enough to not try again. I am still torn up by this. But I truly think it depends on the person. Even if your exSO is BPD they still have very unique skills and personalities just as we all do and NC timeframes will vary.

[hopealways]

In the aftermath of one of her periods of distancing she said "I am always going to come back to you, because you have been good to me."

[burritoman]

I truly think it depends on the relationships. I went through 3 breakup phases. All of them in which I went strict NC. The first time lasted 2 weeks. She broke contact. We got back together. The second time lasted a month. She broke contact. We got back together. The third breakup is ongoing. I cracked and contacted her after two weeks (which was stupid and desperate) and have been strict NC for over 3 months. She broke contact three weeks ago by leaving a voicemail. I still haven't listened to it so have no clue about her intentions. I know I can't keep on going through the emotional turmoil that these relationships entail and yet I don't know if I am strong enough to not try again. I am still torn up by this. But I truly think it depends on the person. Even if your exSO is BPD they still have very unique skills and personalities just as we all do and NC timeframes will vary.

Flyfish, mind explaining how those breakups happened? Were any "final words" spoken?

[Fr4nz]

Currently NC for 4 months out... .still wake up and fall asleep with her on my mind.

It's pretty normal pal... .here almost 10 months NC, still think about her; anyway, as time goes on, you'll think about her less and less, you'll start to put the focus on yourself and your needs, you'll start to feel happy again and you'll see what happened in the past with greater clarity.

Finally, and probably the most important thing, you'll learn to live with what happened without feeling sad anymore... .indeed, this experience will definitely teach you very valuable lessons that will represent useful tools to handle future relationships.

Hope you're in therapy, because it greatly speeds up the healing process.

All the best  

[Joem678]

Five years ago, when we went through a crisis, I almost divorced her.  When she came back, I asked her what would you have done if I had divorced you?  She replied ":)o everything to get you back".  She said it with a lot of confidence and like it wouldn't be a big deal in getting me back. 

Do you want her to contact you?

[FlyFish]

burritoman,

I think my breakup(s) went similar to many that I have been reading. The first was her taking "time" not necessarily breaking up but when I asked her to clarify she didn't know if she wanted to breakup. I ran into her at the grocery store (complete accident btw... .We live in a small town which kinda sucks in this aspect) and things took off again from there. I will say that things were on edge more after this initial breakup. Something seemed off and I was a lot more hesitant myself. The second breakup came maybe 3 months later. She asked me to her place and told me that she was done. I tried to reach her for clarification but I got nothing. This one hurt. After a month she began contacted me again by adding songs to the Spotify playlists we created together. She called me a few times but I didn't answer I was too hurt. She finally wrote me a letter which seemed heartfelt and sincere although quite contradictory. She said I was not giving her the things she was asking for in the relationship... .Of course what these things were I have no f'ing idea because trust me if there were things that she had asked me to fix or work I would have. I was inmeshed. Didn't know up from down. Didn't know wether to peruse or pull back. It wasn't healthy. She also told me that it would kill her to see me with other girls but that she was going to pursue other relationship herself: Classic BPD. Anyway, I succumbed and sent her a letter I was working on that I never intended to send. Journaling has been part of my healing process. We decided to meet up and hooked up that night after coming to better terms on how to proceed. I felt a bit more confident at this point but in the ensuing couple of months her actions became more distant and disoriented. She coul talk the talk but could not walk the walk. Always look for actions more so than words in a BPD relationship.

The latest, One afternoon she called me and told me it was over between us. We had been intimate that morning. Broke a two year relationship by a phone call. I was so hurt that I didn't know what to do at this point. I honestly argued and pleaded and cried. Not one of my better showings. The girl I loved with all my heart just strode me throughout the gauntlet once again. And for some reason this time seemed more final. It was more of a gut feeling than anything.

I will say this each time we broke up hurt a lot more. I will also say that I had no idea about BPD until a couple months ago. Would knowing her condition have helped me I do not know. I am still proud of the fact they I gave my full love to someone. Someone who took advantage of it and someone who one day will realize what they have given up.

I still grieve my loss everyday but I know that going back now will only open the door to more hurt. This fact still may not stop me though, unfortunately.

[shatra]

Makingmyway wrote

I dont expect contact until the replacement relationship finishes or is on the rocks.

-----Exactly... .but is this Proof that your ex didn't cheat on you when you were with them? If your ex was a cheater, they would be contacting you even before the current relationship ends, is that right?

[VistaView]

Both times one year... She broke contact each time and came back.  She can't stand it when I go strict NC.

[hopealways]

Makingmyway wrote

I dont expect contact until the replacement relationship finishes or is on the rocks.

-----Exactly... .but is this Proof that your ex didn't cheat on you when you were with them? If your ex was a cheater, they would be contacting you even before the current relationship ends, is that right?

Unfortunately this is very true :'(

[JRT]

15 months... .but she stalks me electronically and my friends.

[MakingMyWay]

Makingmyway wrote

I dont expect contact until the replacement relationship finishes or is on the rocks.

-----Exactly... .but is this Proof that your ex didn't cheat on you when you were with them? If your ex was a cheater, they would be contacting you even before the current relationship ends, is that right?

Apologies, I'm not sure I fully understand the question. But i am fairly certain my ex did not cheat on me physically. It was very clear to me who she was going to be with after she discarded me. She had told me they were going out for lunch on occasion and how guilty she felt for it, but I said it was fine since it was just lunch with friends or so she told me. I had an immense amount of trust for her.

She was "just friends" with him for a few months, but it was obvious he was in to her, which I think finally gave her an easy way out that was easier for her than dumping me and being alone. He was her support through the breakup.

[steve195915]

Makingmyway wrote

I dont expect contact until the replacement relationship finishes or is on the rocks.

-----Exactly... .but is this Proof that your ex didn't cheat on you when you were with them? If your ex was a cheater, they would be contacting you even before the current relationship ends, is that right?

Apologies, I'm not sure I fully understand the question. But i am fairly certain my ex did not cheat on me physically. It was very clear to me who she was going to be with after she discarded me. She had told me they were going out for lunch on occasion and how guilty she felt for it, but I said it was fine since it was just lunch with friends or so she told me. I had an immense amount of trust for her.

She was "just friends" with him for a few months, but it was obvious he was in to her, which I think finally gave her an easy way out that was easier for her than dumping me and being alone. He was her support through the breakup.

My BPDex was renting a room in her ex husbands house and she was always adamant that she wouldn't ever cheat with him or anyone else.  I was pretty convinced she did not cheat.  During one of our breakups she was dating another guy however she still saw me secretively and also we had sex once but she told me she broke up with him at that time.  I'm not convinced she was as a week later she was with him again.   

So anyways she was still seeing me as a replacement when she was dating someone else and maybe that day we had sex she dumped him temporarily but isn't that cheating still?  Then when we got back together she still kept him as a friend for a while until he blocked her.  To think she didn't do the same to me with her ex husband or others is maybe naive. 

[MakingMyWay]

Makingmyway wrote

I dont expect contact until the replacement relationship finishes or is on the rocks.

-----Exactly... .but is this Proof that your ex didn't cheat on you when you were with them? If your ex was a cheater, they would be contacting you even before the current relationship ends, is that right?

Apologies, I'm not sure I fully understand the question. But i am fairly certain my ex did not cheat on me physically. It was very clear to me who she was going to be with after she discarded me. She had told me they were going out for lunch on occasion and how guilty she felt for it, but I said it was fine since it was just lunch with friends or so she told me. I had an immense amount of trust for her.

She was "just friends" with him for a few months, but it was obvious he was in to her, which I think finally gave her an easy way out that was easier for her than dumping me and being alone. He was her support through the breakup.

So anyways she was still seeing me as a replacement when she was dating someone else and maybe that day we had sex she dumped him temporarily but isn't that cheating still? 

I was her first  boyfriend so I am glad I don't have to question whether of not she was going back to ex's. I feel that my ex got me with technically not cheating, since she dumped me before sleeping with the replacement, but I feel they were well and truelly emotionally in a relationship.

I feel this was to save face so her facebook friends and family wouldn't think she was a bad person. After I rather publicly accused her of cheating which I deeply regret, she made a post on Facebook saying she didn't cheat but then the next day announced her new relationship which I found very strange.

Anyway a bit off track. Maybe you ex was like mine and didn't feel like a cheater because technically they didn't cheat?

[Should I stay or...]

The latest, One afternoon she called me and told me it was over between us. We had been intimate that morning. Broke a two year relationship by a phone call. I was so hurt that I didn't know what to do at this point. I honestly argued and pleaded and cried. Not one of my better showings. The girl I loved with all my heart just strode me throughout the gauntlet once again. And for some reason this time seemed more final. It was more of a gut feeling than anything.

Hey FF,

Mine girl has broken up with me over the phone on several occasions too.

Returning home after sharing a wonderful weekend of intimacy and talks of our futures together, I'd get the call the following morning... .Never had I ever experienced such a callus discard, it was like she was throwing out trash; cleaning out her closet.

The last conversation that I mentioned earlier in this post, occurred on a Sunday evening with her 8S and 13D on her bed. I was drawing caricature pictures of their teachers and we were all belly aching with laughter, it was a moment in time that I'll never forget. It was perfect! I wanted her to be my wife and I had purchased the ring to propose to her over this Holiday season just months before.

Only to get the call on Monday morning asking me, "what are we doing?" The call ends with her telling me she has to think of what her next move is; like I was a pawn on her chess board.

I go NC for two weeks until I run into her at the pool on Labor Day... I walk over to her as she sat by the pool, I knew she's never come to me and ask her; " You said you'd call me after you decided what your next move would be?" Her reply; "We tried, I wish you well."

I haven't reached out since, been NC for 4 months... .

I hope when she opens up the sketch book, I was teaching her son how to draw, and see's the love that was shared that evening along with the drawings that hang in her son's room and has a moment of pause. 

[C.Stein]

But i am fairly certain my ex did not cheat on me physically. It was very clear to me who she was going to be with after she discarded me. She had told me they were going out for lunch on occasion and how guilty she felt for it, but I said it was fine since it was just lunch with friends or so she told me. I had an immense amount of trust for her.

She was "just friends" with him for a few months, but it was obvious he was in to her, which I think finally gave her an easy way out that was easier for her than dumping me and being alone. He was her support through the breakup.

You just described my last 2-3 months with my ex.  I suspect my ex did the exact same thing and the same time frame too roughly, except she didn't make me aware of it.   Thing is, she has a sliding definition of "cheating" ... .and while I don't think she had sex with him (I hope), she at a minimum emotionally cheated and perhaps even some physical as well.   I will never know.

Even though she had betrayed my trust at the beginning of the year, I still trusted her to stay faithful even when things were tough.  In the end it was easier for her to run than it was to accept responsibility for what she had done and fix the damage with me.  I was no longer a positive reflection for her so she latched on to the first guy who provided that for her ... .then I got discarded, presumably once she was reasonably certain he was hooked.  She moved on like I was never a part of her life and we never shared anything together.

This is without question the hardest thing to come to terms with and accept ... .and I am still struggling with this.  Even though I knew in the back of my mind she could possibly do something like this I choose to believe in her and trust her.  Now I am left feeling like a fool.

[steve195915]

You just described my last 2-3 months with my ex.  I suspect my ex did the exact same thing and the same time frame too roughly, except she didn't make me aware of it.   Thing is, she has a sliding definition of "cheating" ... .and while I don't think she had sex with him (I hope), she at a minimum emotionally cheated and perhaps even some physical as well.   I will never know.

Even though she had betrayed my trust at the beginning of the year, I still trusted her to stay faithful even when things were tough.  In the end it was easier for her to run than it was to accept responsibility for what she had done and fix the damage with me.  I was no longer a positive reflection for her so she latched on to the first guy who provided that for her ... .then I got discarded, presumably once she was reasonably certain he was hooked.  She moved on like I was never a part of her life and we never shared anything together.

This is without question the hardest thing to come to terms with and accept ... .and I am still struggling with this.  Even though I knew in the back of my mind she could possibly do something like this I choose to believe in her and trust her.  Now I am left feeling like a fool.

I think the hardest thing for us to understand and come to terms with is how they can cut us out of their lives so abrupty and feel no pain, no remorse, and act like the relationship where we felt there was such a deep connection and so much shared, yet it meant absolutely nothing to them.  It's completely irrationale and we will never be able to comprehend it or make sense of it. 

[Bigmd]

Steve I ask myself that everyday. I was nc for two months  but texted after a night of drinking. She responded but was very cold. Told me she didn't even think of us anymore and has shut the door. I couldn't believe it. It hurt very much and new it was a mistake to contact her. That was beginning of October and haven't spoken since. Although the last few days I've found myself missing her. I had a 6 year history with this woman. Broke up my marriage for her . I will never understand.

[Confused108]

My ex after she dumped me early Sept never really contacted me again. She called my house with half a ring and hung up. When I called her back she wouldn't even answer the phone SHe then texted me an said it was an acident. She broke off with me over an email no less. Didn't even have the decency to call me. I had contacted her a few times to get back before I knew anything about BPD. SHe told me she felt we were not compatible and that I basically ran after her which was an outright lie. She took everything  she did and turned it around on me. My last contact to her was sending her articles about BPD an how I feel she was misdiagnosed as Bipolar at 14. I don't ever really see her contacting me ever again.

[steve195915]

My ex after she dumped me early Sept never really contacted me again. She called my house with half a ring and hung up. When I called her back she wouldn't even answer the phone SHe then texted me an said it was an acident. She broke off with me over an email no less. Didn't even have the decency to call me. I had contacted her a few times to get back before I knew anything about BPD. SHe told me she felt we were not compatible and that I basically ran after her which was an outright lie. She took everything she took everything she did and turned it around on me. My last contact to her was sending her articles about BPD an how I feel she was misdiagnosed as Bipolar at 14. I don't ever really see her contacting me ever again.

At least you got an email.  With me her typical way was via an unexpected text message "I'm done with the relationship, goodbye, thanks".  And the previous contact with her ended with her saying "I love you with all my heart and soul".   Insane or what?

[alwaysT_Time]

For mine it was usually within a week.

We are now about three weeks NC, which makes it feel like this one is really going to stick. They initiated it, as with every other NC/break-up. I have not tried reaching out, and each time before they would reach out to me.

Hurts. Necessary, though.

They also once told me they thought they would always have a love affair with me... .not sure how I feel about/believe that.

[rosesarered777]

My ex after she dumped me early Sept never really contacted me again. She called my house with half a ring and hung up. When I called her back she wouldn't even answer the phone SHe then texted me an said it was an acident. She broke off with me over an email no less. Didn't even have the decency to call me. I had contacted her a few times to get back before I knew anything about BPD. SHe told me she felt we were not compatible and that I basically ran after her which was an outright lie. She took everything  she did and turned it around on me. My last contact to her was sending her articles about BPD an how I feel she was misdiagnosed as Bipolar at 14. I don't ever really see her contacting me ever again.

Mine essentially did the same except she called me ugly (harsh, but she never looked at me when we got intimate), told me her plans of moving away and never contacting me again, wanting to see what is out there, how she deserves better (I said she didn't), how we have nothing in common (I told her we both love TV and I loved how we weren't too similar overall)

I recently had a conversation with her and she seemed to enjoy it -- yet blocked me after. It's been almost two months of mostly no contact and she has me blocked on everything.

Are you sure they won't /ever/ return? She hasn't had a relationship that has lasted on-and-off for 6 years with anyone else. Of course I'd love to hear 'no'.

The other day I told her she could always talk to me if she gets in trouble and if she needed anything. She said that she didn't need anything from me, so I would assume she won't contact me unless she gets lonely or her next fling self-destructs... .

The thing is, she went from a FT job with benefits to a temporary call centre position with even higher stress ... .her parents are getting old and therefore cannot keep paying for her... .and her relatives are ancient and don't have jobs as far as I know. It is quite depressing that they push away the things that could make their lives better!

[Confused?]

Been broken up for about a year and a half. The longest she has went without contacting me is three months. It doesn't bother me when she contacts me. she is now on her third boyfriend. I have no intentions to ever be with her again. She destroyed our relationship to the point where even as messed up as she is, I don't think she would ever crawl back to me. So without any of that being on the table I don't really mind that she tries to contact me. But everyone is different.

[Confused108]

My ex after she dumped me early Sept never really contacted me again. She called my house with half a ring and hung up. When I called her back she wouldn't even answer the phone SHe then texted me an said it was an acident. She broke off with me over an email no less. Didn't even have the decency to call me. I had contacted her a few times to get back before I knew anything about BPD. SHe told me she felt we were not compatible and that I basically ran after her which was an outright lie. She took everything she took everything she did and turned it around on me. My last contact to her was sending her articles about BPD an how I feel she was misdiagnosed as Bipolar at 14. I don't ever really see her contacting me ever again.

At least you got an email.  With me her typical way was via an unexpected text message "I'm done with the relationship, goodbye, thanks".  And the previous contact with her ended with her saying "I love you with all my heart and soul".   Insane or what?

I hear you Steve. It just kills me that they can just walk away like nothing. Mine told me on the phone when I called her after I reiceved her break up email. I said I thought you loved me? Her response Ina very shaky voice No I don't love you romantically. I love you as a friend and don't even know why I sai that to you in the first place. Her voice was so shaky . Then she started to ramble on about her future relationships etc. I just said I'm done and hung up on her. Have not spoken since. Just threw PM or email.

[Confused108]

My ex after she dumped me early Sept never really contacted me again. She called my house with half a ring and hung up. When I called her back she wouldn't even answer the phone SHe then texted me an said it was an acident. She broke off with me over an email no less. Didn't even have the decency to call me. I had contacted her a few times to get back before I knew anything about BPD. SHe told me she felt we were not compatible and that I basically ran after her which was an outright lie. She took everything  she did and turned it around on me. My last contact to her was sending her articles about BPD an how I feel she was misdiagnosed as Bipolar at 14. I don't ever really see her contacting me ever again.

Mine essentially did the same except she called me ugly (harsh, but she never looked at me when we got intimate), told me her plans of moving away and never contacting me again, wanting to see what is out there, how she deserves better (I said she didn't), how we have nothing in common (I told her we both love TV and I loved how we weren't too similar overall)

I recently had a conversation with her and she seemed to enjoy it -- yet blocked me after. It's been almost two months of mostly no contact and she has me blocked on everything.

Are you sure they won't /ever/ return? She hasn't had a relationship that has lasted on-and-off for 6 years with anyone else. Of course I'd love to hear 'no'.

The other day I told her she could always talk to me if she gets in trouble and if she needed anything. She said that she didn't need anything from me, so I would assume she won't contact me unless she gets lonely or her next fling self-destructs... .

The thing is, she went from a FT job with benefits to a temporary call centre position with even higher stress ... .her parents are getting old and therefore cannot keep paying for her... .and her relatives are ancient and don't have jobs as far as I know. It is quite depressing that they push away the things that could make their lives better!

My ex has her own buisness. She is a make up artist who tells her clients they look like  S@!T! I could not belive she treats them the way she does but yup very very sarcastic. We were compatible in every way . She would say it to me all the time. I just can't belive I feel for her nonsense again. I told her this will never ever happen again with us so don't bother ever trying to contact me again in the future. I feel even if I never sai that to her I would not hear from her again anyway.