Free time.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey guys, I've been incessantly busy the last few months with school and work obligations, and now that the semester is winding down I'm going to have a lot of, well, free time. It's been slowly dawning on me that I am afraid of this. It causes me anxiety. What I am going to do if I have nothing to do?

I like a fast-paced lifestyle, but before my relationship ended I was very comfortable doing absolutely nothing some days. I liked to relax a lot more, and I really enjoyed the time that I spent... .not spending my time on anything at all. It seems so much harder all of a sudden, almost like I don't want to be with myself, or that I am becoming the stuff that I do, rather than the stuff that I am.

I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar, and how you've managed your experience.

[valet]

Hey guys, I've been incessantly busy the last few months with school and work obligations, and now that the semester is winding down I'm going to have a lot of, well, free time. It's been slowly dawning on me that I am afraid of this. It causes me anxiety. What I am going to do if I have nothing to do?

I like a fast-paced lifestyle, but before my relationship ended I was very comfortable doing absolutely nothing some days. I liked to relax a lot more, and I really enjoyed the time that I spent... .not spending my time on anything at all. It seems so much harder all of a sudden, almost like I don't want to be with myself, or that I am becoming the stuff that I do, rather than the stuff that I am.

I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar, and how you've managed your experience.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey valet-

Oh yes, I'm very familiar with running.  I used to go 100 miles an hour all the time, not a bad thing really, I got a heck of a lot done and I had a lot of hobbies and went on lots of adventures, and that mode fits well in faster-faster-never-fast-enough pace of the U.S., but a hidden benefit I didn't connect with for a long time was that if you run fast enough you can outrun your emotions and don't have to feel.  I'd get the flu or something and have to slow down for a few days and it felt like hell, like I was dying, and I was so grateful to get well and ramp up to 5th gear again.

I also get the identity thing, we can become human doings instead of human beings and define ourselves by what we do; that wasn't such a bad realization, it just inspired me to ask OK, who do I want to be then?  Balanced is who I want to be, feel like I'm showing up in all areas of my life, career, family, recreation, contribution, but still, the quiet times where there was unease lingering, disquieting, what's that about?  As I've gotten older my body has interjected its opinion though; I just can't go 100 miles an hour full time anymore, rest is required or I will pay dearly, not a bad thing at all, but sitting and doing nothing has been a challenge.

So I've worked at it.  Gratitude is helpful, being grateful for who I am, what I have, what I've accomplished, and mostly life itself; we value something more when we get it back and I felt like I lost myself and lost my life as I knew it when I was with my ex, and getting it back after I left her allowed me to appreciate it much more, and sitting in that feels good.  And then just planning.  Go get a good workout and then take a shower or sit in the hot tub, I've always done that, a great way to mellow out, but then knowing that works for me, plan time after to do absolutely nothing, and I've been dabbling in meditation too, which for me is as simple as sit and don't think, just be, challenging at first, and the emotions will show up, and I've adopted the belief that the only way out is through, and feeling through something feels great on the other side and the discomfort is temporary.  That's been something difficult that is becoming easier, and an unexpected benefit is I get a feeling of being more grounded when I do that, even when I'm back to running, it's a state I can take with me and I'm good with that, seems like I don't want to be in that running-not-feeling place anymore.

So as with most things that are worth it, they won't just land in our lap, we get to create them, and it's the best work really, work I sorta wish I'd done long ago, but hey, everything has its time, something else to feel through after my next workout... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey valet, I concur with fromHtoH and his points are well taken.  I suggest that you get to know yourself.  Can you honestly say that you love and accept yourself, just the way you are?  As Nietzsche put it, "Become who you are."  You might think of your life as a journey towards authenticity.  If you are like me, you may have lost yourself in the BPD soup (I know I did), and it takes time to remember who you are at the core.  Try to notice the little things that are meaningful to you, then follow the thread to see where it leads.  It can be fun and exciting to figure out what you really like.

LuckyJim

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey Valet,

This is something that affects me as well.  I initially coped with the b/u by working lots of overtime, even Saturdays and Sundays.  It gave me a purpose, fed my esteem, helped me feel financially secure, etc.  When I slowed down at work, anxiety started to kick in as I was left with some thoughts and self reflections to work out.

I still am working on finding a healthy balance that works best for me.

I think structure is a big help and something I'm trying to develop more in my days.  I think I will do better with my alone time if I build in some routines for some chunks of time.  It is hard for me to do this when there is no obligation to keep the routine so I am thinking of joining a yoga class... .as I can build some routines around that and having that time carved out will help lend itself to other routines.

Another helpful thing for me is having some social time to look forward to every week.  If I know a friend is coming over, I get focused on positive things in my environment throughout the week as I contemplate how to declutter and such in anticipation.  Even if they are not coming over, it still somehow puts me in a positive mind set about myself.

[valet]

I see what all of you are saying. I was talking to my T the other say and she offered some insight.

Often times, we are too busy to do the things that we love. When we fall out of those patterns, it becomes a lot harder to relax. I really like to write. It takes me into a very contemplative space—a good place for me to really think. Ironically, being in school for writing works against me in that I am so busy meeting all of the program's other academic obligations I rarely have chunks of time to work on my own material. I'm adjusting my schedule for next semester to allow myself that time.

So, hopefully over break I can build up some steam and get back into the daily practice. I think I'll have a lot more room for interiority. That's the kind of life I really enjoy.