Beautiful emptiness

[blackbirdsong]

It is 1 month since NC phase started. I initiated breakup and NC.

I tried to avoid info regarding her but she is in media business so she and her pictures and videos bump every once in a while.

It is hard, my friends. I think this fact (media) makes my process even more difficult. Especially today.

I saw her today. Happy, smiled and beautiful. I mean - really beautiful, "la femme fatale", it is not just me saying that.

Deep in my heart I know that she is not happy. That this is only a mask.

That she is scared, empty and alone.

But her smile and beauty make me craving for her. :'( This feeling is pulling me right now.

I really now have a feeling that I will never find a girl so beautiful and with that warmth from idealization phase.

How to fight against this? One day I see the clear path, and know what to do, and the second day I am hopeless. 

I started my therapy process also. And considering the fact I found many narcissistic traits in myself, now I am aware that is not just her that made me feeling this way. It is something in me that I need to resolve and fight.

But I cannot kill this feeling of not wanting her in my life. This is so sick... .

P.S. "Sound of silence" started playing on radio just right now... .Really not helping

[losingconfidence]

Seeing our exes unhappy can be such a confusing experience. It's common to think things like "she clearly needs love and connection in her life, and I'm offering her more love than I've ever offered anyone before! If she was interested enough to become my partner, then she's clearly capable of returning my feelings, so then why aren't we together and happy?"

Many (not all) people with BPD seem to have something fundamentally "off" inside them that makes intimate bonding difficult. For some reason, some people just can't really do love. I'm not saying that's a permanent condition, but it's real. They can often do sex, flirtation, romantic gestures, etc., and those things get them through the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but they don't last. You never end up with a stable, consistent, enduring relationship once the initial "showing off" period is over. They make their sales pitch, you're sold, and then they don't really have stable love to offer you. Personally, I think a lot of the drama (ie: affairs, fights, confusing behavior, mind games, etc.) is there to prevent us from noticing that emptiness inside them. BPD usually comes with chronic feelings of emptiness, and it's difficult to share your heart with someone else when your heart feels empty to the core.

Since the non assumes that the person with BPD is equally capable of creating a strong emotional bond, the non takes the first steps, trying to show the person with BPD that it's safe and that it's worth it. Then, the non ends up putting in 100% of the effort toward keeping that bond strong.

I don't have BPD, but a few years ago I was told that I had "traits." I think a lot of nons who are attracted to people with BPD have traits but are not "full-blown" borderline. One of my "traits" was the feeling of emptiness. Love can't fill the emptiness because the emptiness means that I'm not at 100%. Relationships only work between two whole or mostly whole people. I think that in addition to DBT to learn how to effectively communicate, people with BPD need help figuring out who they are and what they actually want. A lot of people with BPD have trauma or some identity-disturbing issues from their childhoods (but again, not all), and that means that they are behind on figuring out who they are.

A while ago, I talked to a six-year-old who told me she had no idea what she liked to do or what defined her as a person. That's pretty normal for six-year-olds. That's probably part of why preschools and kindergartens are filled with "stations" where kids can try various activities and why elementary schools have art, gym, music, etc. Trying on all those different activities helps children to develop identities. All kinds of issues in childhood can keep people from forming definite ideas of who they are and what they want.

The sad part is that this woman is going to need to find herself before she can share that self with you. If all she feels inside is pain, suffering, torment, etc., then it will be hard to share anything better than that with you.

I'm glad you're working on your own narcissistic traits. I think sometimes the narcissistic traits are set off by people with BPD because people with narcissistic traits (myself included) want someone to make them feel needed and important, and nothing does that quite like a damsel in distress. My personal opinion is that no-contact is definitely your best bet. It does get easier as time goes on, and one month really isn't that long. Is it possible to ask your friends to cool it with sharing her media a little while you work on recovering from the breakup?

[blackbirdsong]

Is it possible to ask your friends to cool it with sharing her media a little while you work on recovering from the breakup?

Hi,

thank you for your great reply! It really makes sense.

The problem is that it is not friends that are sharing the content. It is Internet, TV, newspapers... .She is a public figure.  So it is hard to avoid this.  

[losingconfidence]

That sounds particularly inconvenient, especially because unplugging can be hard in today's world. Stay strong!

[blackbirdsong]

That sounds particularly inconvenient, especially because unplugging can be hard in today's world. Stay strong!

Yes, this fact makes it really hard for me. I mean, I am playing this NC game, but she pops out every once in a while.

Because of this media, I have an impression that this NC phase is just one sided. Really strange feeling

[whitebackatcha]

Many (not all) people with BPD seem to have something fundamentally "off" inside them that makes intimate bonding difficult. For some reason, some people just can't really do love. I'm not saying that's a permanent condition, but it's real. They can often do sex, flirtation, romantic gestures, etc., and those things get them through the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but they don't last. You never end up with a stable, consistent, enduring relationship once the initial "showing off" period is over. They make their sales pitch, you're sold, and then they don't really have stable love to offer you. Personally, I think a lot of the drama (ie: affairs, fights, confusing behavior, mind games, etc.) is there to prevent us from noticing that emptiness inside them. BPD usually comes with chronic feelings of emptiness, and it's difficult to share your heart with someone else when your heart feels empty to the core.

I just had a light bulb moment with this. It's interesting how you can read the same information at different times in your life, and then it can suddenly click.