I keep inviting PDs into my life.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm the daughter of an abusive mother with BPD and a father with who-knows-what. I've been no-contact for a year, but you wouldn't know it from the kind of people I've invited into my life over the past few months. It started when I went to see a therapist who spent the entire session bragging name-dropping big professionals she has worked with and important books she had read while only 40% listening to anything I said and getting offended any time I didn't 100% immediately agree with everything she was saying. I never even had the guts to fire her and just kind of didn't make another appointment and said nothing. I can't stand confrontation unless I believe the person has definitively, knowingly wronged me.

Then, I ended up working for this woman. I'm thinking NPD rather than BPD, but I'm honestly not sure. When I met her, she came off as a very mellow, kind, laid-back person. Now that I think back on the interview, I realize that there were lots of red flags, as she spent the entire interview talking about herself (with the occasional complaint about "bad employees" who she was sure I'd be nothing like). She made me sign this lengthy non-compete agreement for a part-time job that was only a couple hours a week, and of course she basically told me that anybody marketing to the same customers she markets to is a competitor, even if they're not selling the same kind of product she's selling. I doubt that would hold up in court, but I still feel pretty foolish for having signed it.

Once I actually started working for her, I realized her company was a disorganized mess. All of her employees were either frustrated, unhappy people on a short fuse or very meek pushover types. That's also a big red flag for me. I was signed on to help her senior employees out, not to run or lead people on my own. During the two months I worked there, I ran into several things that seemed off to me.

- The boss is really, really uptight about spending reports. In particular, she'll get mad about employees using materials that were already purchased because that wastes money supposedly.

- No one can criticize her at all. If a client says "we need you to do ________," she just tells them to make someone else do it. If an employee starts to withdraw or get apologetic during her criticism spouts, she yells at them and tells them "I don't need that" like their discomfort with her behavior is a big inconvenience to her.

- Sick days are pretty much not allowed. She expects people to come in with the flu, with bronchitis, right off the operating table, etc. The problem is that our clients complain (loudly) about us spreading germs, especially since we go to a lot of family-friendly places where there are a lot of children present. When clients complain, she decides they're the ones who are uptight and that "normal" clients wouldn't care.

- A week after telling me that she doesn't really tolerate call-outs, she called out basically to beat Thanksgiving traffic.

- She frequently tells senior employees that it's her ideas that get the customers coming and not their hard work. She doesn't praise employees at all, including those who have stayed with her for years.

- When I had only worked 3 shifts, she randomly told me I had to manage entirely by myself one day (very little notice). It wasn't even a request like "can you please do __________?" She just told me that was how it was going to be. It was an absolute disaster. Clients were angry at me for seeming completely clueless, and I kind of wanted to cry when it was over.

- I found out that apparently senior staff gets paid the same amount that brand new employees do. Meanwhile, this boss seems to be making a fair deal of money for herself.

She can be nice, friendly, personable, etc., when she wants to be, but mostly she's just very stressful to be around. I should have quit last week (since there's a business lull in December), but I was scared to. This woman reminds me SO MUCH of my mother, so I felt like I had to stay and like I wanted to get that reference or whatever for my resume. Well... .I quit today, work starts back up in January, and she sent me a kind of harsh, sarcastic note about how I ought to have told her sooner.

I probably should have spoken up sooner, but from my experience with NPD/BPD/etc., if you say something while you're still stuck dealing with them, they start to pick on you more than they already were. I wanted to quietly back out once the big business rush was over, and that made her angry.

Now I'm kind of feeling like a bad, frustrating child again. I know that I didn't notify her sooner because she was behaving kind of destructively toward everyone and because I was worried about my mental health taking more of a hit if she became personally upset with me, but my shame still feels really triggered off.

How do you avoid mentally going right back to that "bad little girl" mental place the moment an angry person yells or criticizes you? During my trauma work, I've learned how to diplomatically say "no," but I haven't learned how not to feel terrible about it. It's like... .I know that the person is toxic/unstable/etc. and that that isn't my responsibility, but I don't care because someone's angry at me. Any techniques you've picked up along the way?

[losingconfidence]

I'm the daughter of an abusive mother with BPD and a father with who-knows-what. I've been no-contact for a year, but you wouldn't know it from the kind of people I've invited into my life over the past few months. It started when I went to see a therapist who spent the entire session bragging name-dropping big professionals she has worked with and important books she had read while only 40% listening to anything I said and getting offended any time I didn't 100% immediately agree with everything she was saying. I never even had the guts to fire her and just kind of didn't make another appointment and said nothing. I can't stand confrontation unless I believe the person has definitively, knowingly wronged me.

Then, I ended up working for this woman. I'm thinking NPD rather than BPD, but I'm honestly not sure. When I met her, she came off as a very mellow, kind, laid-back person. Now that I think back on the interview, I realize that there were lots of red flags, as she spent the entire interview talking about herself (with the occasional complaint about "bad employees" who she was sure I'd be nothing like). She made me sign this lengthy non-compete agreement for a part-time job that was only a couple hours a week, and of course she basically told me that anybody marketing to the same customers she markets to is a competitor, even if they're not selling the same kind of product she's selling. I doubt that would hold up in court, but I still feel pretty foolish for having signed it.

Once I actually started working for her, I realized her company was a disorganized mess. All of her employees were either frustrated, unhappy people on a short fuse or very meek pushover types. That's also a big red flag for me. I was signed on to help her senior employees out, not to run or lead people on my own. During the two months I worked there, I ran into several things that seemed off to me.

- The boss is really, really uptight about spending reports. In particular, she'll get mad about employees using materials that were already purchased because that wastes money supposedly.

- No one can criticize her at all. If a client says "we need you to do ________," she just tells them to make someone else do it. If an employee starts to withdraw or get apologetic during her criticism spouts, she yells at them and tells them "I don't need that" like their discomfort with her behavior is a big inconvenience to her.

- Sick days are pretty much not allowed. She expects people to come in with the flu, with bronchitis, right off the operating table, etc. The problem is that our clients complain (loudly) about us spreading germs, especially since we go to a lot of family-friendly places where there are a lot of children present. When clients complain, she decides they're the ones who are uptight and that "normal" clients wouldn't care.

- A week after telling me that she doesn't really tolerate call-outs, she called out basically to beat Thanksgiving traffic.

- She frequently tells senior employees that it's her ideas that get the customers coming and not their hard work. She doesn't praise employees at all, including those who have stayed with her for years.

- When I had only worked 3 shifts, she randomly told me I had to manage entirely by myself one day (very little notice). It wasn't even a request like "can you please do __________?" She just told me that was how it was going to be. It was an absolute disaster. Clients were angry at me for seeming completely clueless, and I kind of wanted to cry when it was over.

- I found out that apparently senior staff gets paid the same amount that brand new employees do. Meanwhile, this boss seems to be making a fair deal of money for herself.

She can be nice, friendly, personable, etc., when she wants to be, but mostly she's just very stressful to be around. I should have quit last week (since there's a business lull in December), but I was scared to. This woman reminds me SO MUCH of my mother, so I felt like I had to stay and like I wanted to get that reference or whatever for my resume. Well... .I quit today, work starts back up in January, and she sent me a kind of harsh, sarcastic note about how I ought to have told her sooner.

I probably should have spoken up sooner, but from my experience with NPD/BPD/etc., if you say something while you're still stuck dealing with them, they start to pick on you more than they already were. I wanted to quietly back out once the big business rush was over, and that made her angry.

Now I'm kind of feeling like a bad, frustrating child again. I know that I didn't notify her sooner because she was behaving kind of destructively toward everyone and because I was worried about my mental health taking more of a hit if she became personally upset with me, but my shame still feels really triggered off.

How do you avoid mentally going right back to that "bad little girl" mental place the moment an angry person yells or criticizes you? During my trauma work, I've learned how to diplomatically say "no," but I haven't learned how not to feel terrible about it. It's like... .I know that the person is toxic/unstable/etc. and that that isn't my responsibility, but I don't care because someone's angry at me. Any techniques you've picked up along the way?

[aubin]

How do you avoid mentally going right back to that "bad little girl" mental place the moment an angry person yells or criticizes you? During my trauma work, I've learned how to diplomatically say "no," but I haven't learned how not to feel terrible about it. It's like... .I know that the person is toxic/unstable/etc. and that that isn't my responsibility, but I don't care because someone's angry at me. Any techniques you've picked up along the way?

When we're raised in a home that allows, or in my case thrives on, toxic shaming, then that sense of shame becomes really fused with the self. I think it just takes time and lots of active internal work to start to whittle down all of that toxic shame at the core. It sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things so far. Quitting the job was definitely the right thing to do; that situation sounded horrible and I'm glad you're out of there.

I don't have any specific techniques to offer, but some things I have done to lessen my inner toxic shame have been to: 1) Rid myself of any and all toxic people in my life. This meant limited contact with certain family members, no contact with at least one family member, and re-evaluating relationships with friends, work, and acquaintances to ensure that I was spending time only with people who treated me with respect and kindness. It was really hard because I basically had to rid myself of almost everyone as I was completely surrounded by unhealthy people. But this is where part two comes in... .2) Surround myself with healthy people. For me, the important thing here was to not rush into judgment of people, but to allow them to reveal themselves to me over time. And then to LISTEN to what their actions were saying and to listen to my own physical and emotional responses. If I found myself very tense or self-doubting around someone, then I had to ask myself why, rather than ignoring those feelings and finding myself with yet another personality disordered friend. Then once I figured out what I was feeling and why, to ACT based on that understanding.

I think it's helpful to listen to inner shame -- to try to find where it comes from and to honor it's concerns, rather than just trying to shut it down. Practicing establishing and maintaining boundaries with the truly healthy people in my life then makes it much easier to set and maintain boundaries with the random crazies that I might come across.

One last thing: Feeling hurt when someone says or does something hurtful is a perfectly normal response. While the goal is definitely to rid the self of toxic shame and to develop healthier responses to unhealthy situations, I don't think there will ever be a point of simply not feeling bad when someone does something crappy to you.

[Newton]

Hi losing confidence   ... .aubin has made great points  .  :)e-programming years of conditioning from our formative years takes significant effort in adulthood, we can 'know' a situation or person is toxic and destructive to our well being (and subsequently avoid it) but in my experience altering subconcious reactions/feelings about this knowledge only really happened as a consequence of consistently enforcing my boundaries. (My T assured me they would and she was correct).

Very well done for removing yourself from such a toxic workplace!  , sounds like multiple   ... .

It can be frustrating needing to make life changes in response to a controlling person... .but what's the alternative?... .stay, become exhausted from constant stress and drama... .and moan in private like so many do!  Recognising that we can change things and this person is incapable of change is very empowering.  It's perfectly normal for this to feel alien to you at first and all the old core wounds come rising to the surface, these immediate feelings will pass and as you express your boundaries with consistent behaviour (getting the hell out of the way!)... .I'm pretty sure those now redundant feelings will diminish in frequency and intensity.  

[cloudten]

You definitely did the right thing quitting.

You need to be a protector of yourself... .physically, emotionally, mentally. Protect yourself. you are the only person looking out for you. Sounds like a very toxic environment.

You can't worry about her. it's not your business... .it's not your problem. Not your monkey- not your circus.  

It doesn't matter when you left. Just remind yourself "it doesn't matter... .i love myself... .and that place was not good for me."

I am proud of you. I bet your old-self wouldn't have left like that!    good job!