E-mail from her mom

[SummerStorm]

Two months ago, I found my pwBPD's stepfather on LinkedIn and e-mailed him.  He forwarded my message to her mom, but I never heard back.  I sent a few more messages and never heard back.  I posted this in either Staying or Undecided, and many people told me I shouldn't have contacted them.  I totally understand where they were coming from.  After this last discard, I decided to reach out one last time.

Today, I received an e-mail from her mom:

Dear SummerStorm:

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  We just spent a few days in PA with "A" for her step brother's grad from college.  Everything was fine day 1 with her, then down hill from there. She tends to love me on day 1 and pick fights starting day 2 and beyond.  By the time I leave she is texting me how much she misses me, although she has worked very hard to make me miserable while I am there.  Her stepbrother has moved in with her and I hope this removes her from her self appointed isolation that she has chosen.  Her apartment was quite depressing and we spent a great deal of money trying to make it a little more livable.

My suggestion to you is to step back and let her contact you.  None of us can gauge what goes on in the mind of a bi-polar individual. It's very hard to love them, but we try and that's all we can do. I can only wish that she had come here to CA with me.  I can only wish that she had stayed with teaching.  I can only dream that she will find the right kind of person to spend the rest of her life with, be it man or woman, and not some loser that physically abuses her, which seems to be the man of choice lately. You can't even begin to understand what this does to a mother's heart.

If she means this much to you, you'll stick it out and she'll see what kind of friend you are somewhere down the line. But you can only do so much.  Some has to be left up to her...


So, this is obviously a mixed bag.  She was diagnosed with BPD in June and called me from the hospital to tell me her diagnosis, so it's frustrating that bi-polar is what her mom is sticking with.  She is the one who physically abused her boyfriend, not the other way around.  She even texted me the first time she hit him and told me she did.  So, it looks like she is playing the victim card, though I'm glad to see that her mom saw how bad things are. 

I'll send her a reply, once I gather my thoughts.

[Mutt]

SummerStorm,

It's very hard to love them, but we try and that's all we can do.

BiP or BPD, I think that her mom has the right idea with a loved one with mental illness.

Why try to set the facts straight about boyfriend and your ex friend?

Is it going to change mom's perspective with mental illness?

Why the triangle?

[babyducks]

Hi SummerStorm,

For what it's worth Bipolar and BPD are comorbid about 74% of the time according to some scientific research, others say higher, some lower.     My partner is both Bipolar 1 and BPD.   I didn't use to be able to tell them apart.   Now I can.  

How do you feel about hearing from her mother?

'ducks

[SummerStorm]

SummerStorm,

It's very hard to love them, but we try and that's all we can do.

BiP or BPD, I think that her mom has the right idea with a loved one with mental illness.

Why try to set the facts straight about boyfriend and your ex friend?

Is it going to change mom's perspective with mental illness?

Why the triangle?

I have no intention of mentioning her ex-boyfriend to her mom.  That has nothing to do with me. 

[Mutt]

SummerStorm,

It's very hard to love them, but we try and that's all we can do.

BiP or BPD, I think that her mom has the right idea with a loved one with mental illness.

Why try to set the facts straight about boyfriend and your ex friend?

Is it going to change mom's perspective with mental illness?

Why the triangle?

I have no intention of mentioning her ex-boyfriend to her mom.  That has nothing to do with me.  

Ok.

Are you trying to get your ex friend help through mom?

[SummerStorm]

Hi SummerStorm,

For what it's worth Bipolar and BPD are comorbid about 74% of the time according to some scientific research, others say higher, some lower.     My partner is both Bipolar 1 and BPD.   I didn't use to be able to tell them apart.   Now I can.  

How do you feel about hearing from her mother?

'ducks

I do agree that she may be both Bipolar and BPD.  When she called me, she said, "I have a new diagnosis.  I'm not bipolar; I have borderline personality disorder.  You should look it up."

I'm just trying to figure out if she told her mom about her diagnosis or not.  I don't know how all of that works in the hospital.  

I feel good about hearing from her mother.  I first contacted her stepdad back in October, and he kept replying that he was forwarding my e-mails to her mother, but I never heard anything back.  I think now that it was because she wanted to actually get a feel for the situation.  Like me, she hadn't seen her since June, so I'm sure it was hard for her to know exactly how my pwBPD is doing.  

[SummerStorm]

SummerStorm,

It's very hard to love them, but we try and that's all we can do.

BiP or BPD, I think that her mom has the right idea with a loved one with mental illness.

Why try to set the facts straight about boyfriend and your ex friend?

Is it going to change mom's perspective with mental illness?

Why the triangle?

I have no intention of mentioning her ex-boyfriend to her mom.  That has nothing to do with me.  

Ok.

Are you trying to get your ex friend help through mom?

No.  I'm just trying to fill her in on everything.  Mom has only seen her three times this year (April, when she was in the hospital in June, and last week), and my pwBPD hides things from her (cutting, drugs, etc.) when she visits her, so I just want to make sure she is aware of everything, not just the things she sees. 

Mom wants her to get help, which is why she wanted her to move out with her, but my pwBPD is convinced that she doesn't need help.  There was a brief moment in July when she admitted that she needed help, but that only lasted for a few weeks. 

[Mutt]

No.  I'm just trying to fill her in on everything.  Mom has only seen her three times this year (April, when she was in the hospital in June, and last week), and my pwBPD hides things from her (cutting, drugs, etc.) when she visits her, so I just want to make sure she is aware of everything, not just the things she sees.  

Behaviors would have been present before diagnosis. She raised her daughter so she would have witnessed traits firsthand. How do you hide cutting?

My suggestion to you is to step back and let her contact you.

Mom doesn't sound worried in her email. Mom knows her daughter and she knows that she'll contact her mother when she's ready.

Why are you worried about her mom? Why did mom suggest that you step back?

[SummerStorm]

No.  I'm just trying to fill her in on everything.  Mom has only seen her three times this year (April, when she was in the hospital in June, and last week), and my pwBPD hides things from her (cutting, drugs, etc.) when she visits her, so I just want to make sure she is aware of everything, not just the things she sees.  

Behaviors would have been present before diagnosis. She raised her daughter so she would have witnessed traits firsthand. How do you hide cutting?

She cut in the past and hadn't done it for a long time but just started it again in April.  She actually told me, before she left to visit her mom in April, that she was cutting places her mom wouldn't see and that she was going to make sure to hide her cuts from her mom so her mom wouldn't put her in a psych ward. 

My suggestion to you is to step back and let her contact you.

Mom doesn't sound worried in her email. Mom knows her daughter and she knows that she'll contact her mother when she's ready.

Why are you worried about her mom? Why did mom suggest that you step back?

I would argue that she is worried.  If she wasn't, she wouldn't have my pwBPD's stepbrother move in with her. 

I think she suggested that I step back because, in the e-mail I sent the other day, I mentioned that I want to be in my pwBPD's life but don't know if that is possible.  So, she offered my advice on what has worked for her in the past.  In my experience, this has usually been the best course of action, so I'm glad her mom confirmed that.

[Mutt]

SummerStorm,

I know how heartbreaking that feels when we lose someone that we care a lot about and they can't see the self destructive behaviors. How my ex wife perceives the world is very real to her, just as how I perceive the world is real to me. She doesn't realize that she projects her feelings or blame shifts if she's floundering or splits the people that she care most about black.

BPD is ingrained in her personality.

Realizing that someone so close to my heart was suffering from BPD was a hard pill to swallow. I cannot help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. I would hope someday that she gets help for herself but her dysfunctional patterns continue because she's dependent on loved ones.

I choose to not enable dysfunctional behavior. I was her helper and her savior but I had to let her go because I want her to get help for our kids.

[SummerStorm]

SummerStorm,

I know how heartbreaking that feels when we lose someone that we care a lot about and they can't see the self destructive behaviors. How my ex wife perceives the world is very real to her, just as how I perceive the world is real to me. She doesn't realize that she projects her feelings or blame shifts if she's floundering or splits the people that she care most about black.

BPD is ingrained in her personality.

Realizing that someone so close to my heart was suffering from BPD was a hard pill to swallow. I cannot help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. I would hope someday that she gets help for herself but her dysfunctional patterns continue because she's dependent on loved ones.

I choose to not enable dysfunctional behavior. I was her helper and her savior but I had to let her go because I want her to get help for our kids.

At this point, I'm glad that her stepbrother is living with her and can at least make sure she isn't self-harming or having suicidal thoughts.  There are behaviors, such as splitting and idealization/devaluation that are just going to keep happening until she realizes that she needs help, and I have to accept those behaviors.  But suicide attempts are obviously much more serious.  She attempted six months ago, back when her life was much more stable than it is now, so at least she is living with someone who knows about her behaviors, rather than some acquaintance or co-worker who doesn't. 

[Suzn]

It's obvious that you love this woman deeply and want the very best for her.

There was a brief moment in July when she admitted that she needed help, but that only lasted for a few weeks. 

Was this possibly a period of time when no one was helping (or saving) her? As long as someone is caring for her, such as a friend, her brother or a parent, she has no reason to believe she needs help. This does not mean not being supportive. There is a difference in being supportive and enabling.

As much as we talk about having and enforcing our own boundaries we can inadvertently step over someone else's boundaries and share personal information that isn't ours to share. It sounds as though her mother is aware of her daughter's behaviors and it may happen that with a family member living with her more will come to light.

If you are serious about being there and being a supportive person for your friend in a healthy way, for her and for you, I would encourage you to post on the Improving (Staying) board and work towards solutions for issues with your relationship with her when the opportunities arise.

[SummerStorm]

It's obvious that you love this woman deeply and want the very best for her.

There was a brief moment in July when she admitted that she needed help, but that only lasted for a few weeks. 

Was this possibly a period of time when no one was helping (or saving) her? As long as someone is caring for her, such as a friend, her brother or a parent, she has no reason to believe she needs help. This does not mean not being supportive. There is a difference in being supportive and enabling.

As much as we talk about having and enforcing our own boundaries we can inadvertently step over someone else's boundaries and share personal information that isn't ours to share. It sounds as though her mother is aware of her daughter's behaviors and it may happen that with a family member living with her more will come to light.

If you are serious about being there and being a supportive person for your friend in a healthy way, for her and for you, I would encourage you to post on the Improving (Staying) board and work towards solutions for issues with your relationship with her when the opportunities arise.

The funny thing is that she admitted she needed help not long after she was diagnosed.  She was diagnosed on June 5th, and by July 8th or so, she had plans to move out to where her mom is, with her now ex-boyfriend, and enter a treatment facility.  I'm still not sure if she made that decision on her own or if her mom had asked her to move out there.

I had considered posting on the Staying board, but since I am blocked from everything right now, I am at a point where I am trying to detach, in case I really don't hear from her again. 

[Suzn]

I'm still not sure if she made that decision on her own or if her mom had asked her to move out there.

Well, a suicide attempt is traumatic for everyone involved. It may have been a combination of the two.

I had considered posting on the Staying board, but since I am blocked from everything right now, I am at a point where I am trying to detach, in case I really don't hear from her again. 

Understandable. A thought to ponder... those skills work well with anyone, even difficult students.   

[SummerStorm]

I'm still not sure if she made that decision on her own or if her mom had asked her to move out there.

Well, a suicide attempt is traumatic for everyone involved. It may have been a combination of the two.

I had considered posting on the Staying board, but since I am blocked from everything right now, I am at a point where I am trying to detach, in case I really don't hear from her again. 

Understandable. A thought to ponder... those skills work well with anyone, even difficult students.   

I actually have a student this year who has some BPD traits, in addition to a former student who has been diagnosed.  This, along with a kid who brought moonshine to school, a kid who is in love with the trashcan in my classroom, two kids who have been expelled for bringing drugs to school, and a kid who wants to be a werewolf.

Actually, now that I've listed all of those things, BPD doesn't sound that bad.