Mother now living with me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

The snooping kind of bugs me, but I would tolerate it with my mom more (I have nothing to hide). My Ex constantly used excuses to come over (to "inspect" things due to her anxiety, was the main reason). It took a lot of consistent boundaries on my part for that to finally die off. PwBPD don't see bondaries or seperateness the same.

My mom's PTSD seems to have abated. She asked me yesterday if I had noticed that she got her hair cut. So she wandred off the street to the next block to a hairdresser. I'm glad that she is more with it, but cringe at my house being unlocked for that time. I had two burglaries two years ago, the second time with an alarm system. If her memory gets better, I can trust her with a key on a lanyard around her neck...

Last night, she followed me around again, even on my back porch as I was trying to spend time on the site here. I couldn't get on until after 9PM, undisturbed.

Tonight was different. My Ex is into this multi-level marketing thing, and has to leave at 5am tomorrow (Saturday) morning to travel. Typical LGAT (large group awareness training) stuff, it's 12-14 hour session. She gave up the kids for most of her custody weekend. Reminds me of my mom with the "get rich quick" schemes. Whatever. I'll take any extra time with the kids I can get.

I thought my mom would be happy to see her grandkids. She was, but I could tell that their happy rambunctiousness was starting to get to her. Though their irreverence can sometimes drive me nuts (and I have nothing to do with that, no   I don't want to stifle their spirits. I sent D3 to her room tonight after she acted out by throwing something on the floor. I also don't run The Lord of The Flies house here.

I was making dinner: turkey burgers and oven fries. Simple.

I wrote the above Friday night. Haven't had a chance to post it until now.

What's confusing are the day-to-day changes. The kids' mom picked them up from church Sunday morning. They were doing baptisms. The sermon was on baptism. They had the people being baptized go up front and give short testimonies. I wanted to leave, but my Ex wanted to have the kids watch. About 20 mins in, my mom asked, "what are they doing?" Since the band was still softly playing. I explained. I could excuse it by the lone lady who sat in the pew in front of us blocking my mom's view of the baptismal pool. I explained it and we left shortly thereafter, saying goodbye to the kids.

I really want to go see Star Wars, but feel weird if I take my mom. I have the kids this coming weekend; we'll try then. I took off for two hours Sunday to go to work and grocery shop. I could have checked my work email through the web interface (and I was expecting data over the weekend, so it was legit), but I needed the break because I felt (s)mothered.

I told my buddy at work today, and he said, "why were you frustrated? She's got memory issues." Truth, no SET. I think I needed that. I felt guilty for being frustrated. After I got home yesterday, my mom helped fold the kids' laundry, and commented, "this is a lot of laundry for such a small family." It wasn't mean, but rather an observation. I thanked her for helping to fold the kids' clothes. She commented that D3 had a better waredrobe than she had. I let it go.

Today was long. I barely checked the board. Got chewed out by proxy in a meeting. Took the kids to S5's classmates birthday party and didn't get home until after 8. Baths, bedtime. Lunches for tomorrow.

My mom seemed ok. I called her at 7:30 saying we'd be late. I'm, and was, the opposite of a mama's boy, but I didn't want her to be worried. She said she figured we were late because I called after the time I said we'd be home.

I was worried because at 630, as I was leaving and it was still kind of dark, I found her on the back porch after her morning cigarette, hugging one of the Chihuahuas, sitting in a chair, in the dark. I had asked if she wanted me to turn on the light, she said no. So I left her there in the darkness of the coming dawn. I thought I should have asked if she were ok, but I just said goodbye. This was one of the things that triggered my Ex about me. When faced with dysregulation or depression, I flee. That seems all about me. I'm thankful that she seemed ok when we got home tonight. Despite a hectic work day, I called people to set up an appointment to talk to someone to get her enrolled in healthcare locally.

[Turkish]

The snooping kind of bugs me, but I would tolerate it with my mom more (I have nothing to hide). My Ex constantly used excuses to come over (to "inspect" things due to her anxiety, was the main reason). It took a lot of consistent boundaries on my part for that to finally die off. PwBPD don't see bondaries or seperateness the same.

My mom's PTSD seems to have abated. She asked me yesterday if I had noticed that she got her hair cut. So she wandred off the street to the next block to a hairdresser. I'm glad that she is more with it, but cringe at my house being unlocked for that time. I had two burglaries two years ago, the second time with an alarm system. If her memory gets better, I can trust her with a key on a lanyard around her neck...

Last night, she followed me around again, even on my back porch as I was trying to spend time on the site here. I couldn't get on until after 9PM, undisturbed.

Tonight was different. My Ex is into this multi-level marketing thing, and has to leave at 5am tomorrow (Saturday) morning to travel. Typical LGAT (large group awareness training) stuff, it's 12-14 hour session. She gave up the kids for most of her custody weekend. Reminds me of my mom with the "get rich quick" schemes. Whatever. I'll take any extra time with the kids I can get.

I thought my mom would be happy to see her grandkids. She was, but I could tell that their happy rambunctiousness was starting to get to her. Though their irreverence can sometimes drive me nuts (and I have nothing to do with that, no   I don't want to stifle their spirits. I sent D3 to her room tonight after she acted out by throwing something on the floor. I also don't run The Lord of The Flies house here.

I was making dinner: turkey burgers and oven fries. Simple.

I wrote the above Friday night. Haven't had a chance to post it until now.

What's confusing are the day-to-day changes. The kids' mom picked them up from church Sunday morning. They were doing baptisms. The sermon was on baptism. They had the people being baptized go up front and give short testimonies. I wanted to leave, but my Ex wanted to have the kids watch. About 20 mins in, my mom asked, "what are they doing?" Since the band was still softly playing. I explained. I could excuse it by the lone lady who sat in the pew in front of us blocking my mom's view of the baptismal pool. I explained it and we left shortly thereafter, saying goodbye to the kids.

I really want to go see Star Wars, but feel weird if I take my mom. I have the kids this coming weekend; we'll try then. I took off for two hours Sunday to go to work and grocery shop. I could have checked my work email through the web interface (and I was expecting data over the weekend, so it was legit), but I needed the break because I felt (s)mothered.

I told my buddy at work today, and he said, "why were you frustrated? She's got memory issues." Truth, no SET. I think I needed that. I felt guilty for being frustrated. After I got home yesterday, my mom helped fold the kids' laundry, and commented, "this is a lot of laundry for such a small family." It wasn't mean, but rather an observation. I thanked her for helping to fold the kids' clothes. She commented that D3 had a better waredrobe than she had. I let it go.

Today was long. I barely checked the board. Got chewed out by proxy in a meeting. Took the kids to S5's classmates birthday party and didn't get home until after 8. Baths, bedtime. Lunches for tomorrow.

My mom seemed ok. I called her at 7:30 saying we'd be late. I'm, and was, the opposite of a mama's boy, but I didn't want her to be worried. She said she figured we were late because I called after the time I said we'd be home.

I was worried because at 630, as I was leaving and it was still kind of dark, I found her on the back porch after her morning cigarette, hugging one of the Chihuahuas, sitting in a chair, in the dark. I had asked if she wanted me to turn on the light, she said no. So I left her there in the darkness of the coming dawn. I thought I should have asked if she were ok, but I just said goodbye. This was one of the things that triggered my Ex about me. When faced with dysregulation or depression, I flee. That seems all about me. I'm thankful that she seemed ok when we got home tonight. Despite a hectic work day, I called people to set up an appointment to talk to someone to get her enrolled in healthcare locally.

[Kwamina]

I can imagine that seeing your mother sitting in the dark holding her chihuahua would make you feel uncomfortable. Dealing with dysregulation isn't easy, I'm glad she seemed alright when you got home. How are things now Turkish?

So are you going to see Star Wars? I have seen it already and I didn't take Ma Parrot along either

Despite a hectic work day, I called people to set up an appointment to talk to someone to get her enrolled in healthcare locally.

This is definitely a good thing. Have you had this appointment yet?

I was making dinner: turkey burgers and oven fries. Simple.

I'm not sure about this part though, should someone called Turkish really be making Turkey burgers? Sounds like some sort of cruel and unusual self punishment

[Turkish]

I took the four of us to see Star Wars today. It ended up ok, but this morning:

The Hermit-Waif Wants To Flee

It was my custody weekend. Yesterday, my Ex's younger sister threw a birthday party for her two year old, and we were invited (they may have invited us even if I didn't have the kids). Their auntie moved back into her mom s house from another state recently.

My mom likes the ex-laws, and they like her. About 30 people ended up showing, which wasn't too many for their typical parties. My Ex's husband (her affair partner) showed up, saw my mom an started talking to her. He's Mr. Super Christian to a point I deem weird, but that's another story for another board. He got my Ex to go to a seeker-friendly mega church. I only talk to him when I have to.

As we were opening presents inside later, I spied him sitting down talking to my mom for a long time. I leaned over to my Ex-BIL's fiancée and said, "what's going on? It looks like [Homewrecker's] picking up on my mom. Dude stay out of my life!" She laughed. In retrospect, I needed to rescue my mom.

They all came inside the house. I told my mom we were going soon, and she looked a little weird and said, "yes, please." We got home, I got my crazy kids to bed. I wasn't that late, about 9:15, but my mom had made her bed on the couch. Lights out. No tv, no reading. I didn't think too much of it, even that she didn't want to have a night smoke on the back porch. I figured the party may have been a little draining, despite the good food. I found out this morning just how much it was.

I tried to sleep in a little. The kids love to play hop on pop. My middle-aged body can't take much. I finally got up to do the morning routine of tossing them whatever they wanted for breakfast, fixing my coffee and such. My mom was sitting in the couch in the dark living room. I thought to myself, I put the living room light on the timer last night, and forgot to switch it back to normal mode," yet when I went to make coffee, which made itself an hour before, it hadn't been touched.

In my romantic r/s, I made the mistake of often ignoring signs, assuming that the other person would handle things like I do: process by myself because I can only rely on myself. I got the kids doing whatever they were doing and went into the living room to ask my mom if everything was all right. Not even close.

"This isn't working. I think I need to go back to live at my place."

"What happened, what's going on that you feel that way?"

"Everything."

"Was it the party last night?";

"That was part of it, but I don't want to say more in front of the kids."

"So what was it?"

"The party was loud, and I heard the kids talking about me, saying things." Here, my hackles rose: I perceived that she was painting the kids black. I went back to the kids. I brought out clothes for S5 to change himself, gave D3 a banana, and went into the back porch. I was so angry, I thought about calling her NP at the clinic and asking what my legal liability was if I were to drop my mom back off in the mountains.

About five minutes after, my mom came outside to smoke. I was less frustrated, so I put on my Turkish hat.

"So what happened?"

"[Your Ex's husband] for one. Its like he knew everything about me! He kept asking me who my favorite character was from the Bible. I probably also said things I shouldn't have."

I replied that I think he's a bit of a goofy and odd guy, and that I was sorry that I should have gone over when I saw him talking to her for so long. She said that he was charming though. I said that my Ex falls for guys that are superficial like that, and with such guys, we need good boundaries. My mom replied, "you know that I'm bad at boundaries." I said, "I know."

Then she started in on her grandchildren. The party was too loud, and that she heard them saying "Grandma Turksh this and Grandma Turkish that." Like the kids were devaluing her? I said that the kids just say things, and it's not malicious. They're 3 and 5 (6 in two weeks).

This seemed to calm her a bit, but before I got out of bed, S5 had spied a barbie doll on the top shelf of their closet. I think my mom put it in their room two weeks ago. She had meant to save it for D3's birthday in the spring. S5 talked about it and told D3. My mom said, "S5 found it and when I tried to tell him it was for her birthday, he was mocking me!"  8:- My hackles started to rise again, but I calmy said that I wasn't sure how the doll ended up in their room, but that I had seen it, and it was my fault for not re-hiding it. Part of it was on me, though I hadn't realized her intentions.

I got the kids ready for church. We saw the movie later. Tonight, the kids were talking again about D3's birthday Barbie (it's a Mexican themed one; the kids are half Mexican on their mom's side). I talked to D3 tonight, and said that we were going to save it for her birthday, wrap it and everything. She was ok with that, so I put it on the top shelf of my closet. I told my mom, who was worried that she'd have to get D3 another present. My mom was surprised that D3 was ok with it (I'm a Princess Whisperer), but my mom seemed calm as well. No more talk about fleeing, at least for tonight.

[Notwendy]

Your ex's H must have said something triggering to your mother. Hopefully she will be over it.

I wouldn't have the nerve to say this, but if he started that with me- who is your favorite Bible character, I might reply- Moses, the one who carved you shall not commit adultery on stone tablets. Then see the response.

[Turkish]

Long Day.

I feel like a wimp in advance for even writing this, but... .

Got the kids ready for their schools this morning. Told my mom to feel free to partake of the Al Pastor (Mexican marinated pork) I had bbq'd late last night. Her borderline dog was really going after me last night, no provocation that I could see. I was really angry, but had gotten very it. I'm human; it's a foolsh, walnut-brained sized beast. I need to be Wisemind about that.

I fixed a problem at work and got someone else's too up. Pouring oil into a vacuum pump, I stood up and gashed my head on the sharp edge of an exhaust flue. Since I had to sit on the floor because the pump fills slowly, the co-worker got a lint free cloth and was dabbing the blood from my head (I shave my head). Got his tool up, also resetting other hardware and software, saved the company money and downtime. Ran upstairs to a meeting. I felt my head and it was still seeping blood. I am supposed to report a work injury, but whatever. Need to remember to wrap the sharp edge of the flue in tape. I did the same thing a few months ago.

Brought the kids home. Set up S5 (6 this weekend!) to do his homework. It's always a struggle given his OCD traits, obsessed with building his lego models. Given a break in the rain, I went outside to mow the front yard and green strip by the street, which were badly overgrown. My mom came outside and just watched me. Felt creepy. By the time I got out the blower to clean up, she had gone back inside.

Next up, after struggling to get my son to finish his homework, which he finally did, I cookex spaghetti for the kids, and hamburger helper for my mom and me. The kids don't like "saucy" stuff like that. I had a craving, even if I don't eat it much. First time in a year, probably. I've been on a "street taco" kick lately, making them Mexican style, but it's getting old.

I got the kids bathed and ready for bed. I told them to go say goodnight to grandma and they did. My mom told both of them, "I love you!" They accepted her hugs and kisses, but didn't return the sentiment. As we were walking down the hallway, my mom told the kids, "oh, I love your daddy, too... .well, sometimes."

I like to think I'm tough, but I felt really annoyed (hurt) by that. I probably saved her life from the cold, and the ex-con that was obsessed with her, and she makes snide comments like that, and in front of my kids?

This seems innocuous, and it probably was, but I felt triggered by it, probably more than I should have been. I don't think it was meant to be directly hurtful; it's just the way she can be. I think back over the years about his many BFFs and surrogate "daughters" she has lost, and I can't help but think if those relationship debacles started with a comment like that.

I keep telling myself that I last lived with her over 26 years ago. She denies things like ever having smacked the dogs around (though she did it all of the time). We don't talk about the past. The here and now is what's important.

[Turkish]

There have been some minor instances this past week but all in all, my mom's gotten better. The PTSD seems to have abated. She's helpful around the house. The other morning, she did make a weird comment, askingbifvthevkids were coming home that night. I said yes. She got a look on her face and I asked, "will this disturb your peace and quiet?" She responded something like, "kind of. Well, I suppose they are my grandkids."   This from the woman who wanted more kids, and just 5 years ago was talking about adopting a foreign orphan. The other day, she commented how she always wanted a daughter. It was a passing comment, not meant to be mean, but thanks mom. You split D3 yesterday. I'm sure you would have handled that well. No, I didn't say that, but I thought it.

She had it easy with me, the adopted Waif Child. I was quiet and reserved. Avoidant-something attachment style. My kids are open and nice to others, but are irreverent, and rambunctious.my mom prefers waifs she can control, even if implicitly.

In any case, tonight I told her that we were driving to the mountains. She refuses to call the county to check on the back taxes. She wants to go there in person because, "those ladies really like me." I'm sure that they do, but taxes due are taxes due. She said she wants to bring her truck back, the severely dented one with a missing front grille and the tailgate held on by a cable because of multiple accidents she's had on private property running into trees or over stumps. I pretty much said that it wasn't going to happen. Here I failed to validate her feelings and shifted the conversation towards going to the senior center tomorrow, watching the kids in the morning (well, D3, S6 has school). The Thursday trip should be interesting. She made a comment about some dirty dog carriers probably being stolen. She's still so attached to junk. I have a really hard time validating her "fear of loss" as my T said about the hoarding.

Sometimes i feel amazed I'm not a mess in life since i had no one to teach me how to do things right, though I know I could be doing better. Self-flagellation. Others who know my story or observed my teen years are amazed, too, not in a patronizing way.

I'm trying to be dutiful and responsible, honoring my mother who rescued me from foster care (me interracial at a time when i was a big deal, and with a physical disability to boot) but it's hard. She's eldery, and apart from the multiple mental illnesses, that's tough enough.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Turkish,

I haven't been around here for a few months, so I just read your whole thread here. Just wanted to say that a) you have my sympathy and b) you rock. I am one of those rooting for you and praying for you.

[Turkish]

Hi, Turkish,

I haven't been around here for a few months, so I just read your whole thread here. Just wanted to say that a) you have my sympathy and b) you rock. I am one of those rooting for you and praying for you.

I need it. This morning it was "I just want to die."   I asked if she was thinking about killing herself and she reacted strongly, "no!" So depressive episode, not necessarily SI.

Had the morning off at home babysitting D3. My mom refused to go to the senior center to check it out, even though I said that they had legal help for seniors which she needs. "It's just a day care." Put a call into my T to get an idea of my legal liability here in case she insists on going back. She's right. In a way I am controlling it. I said we could go get a key made so she could walk the half mile to Starbucks or the home depot. Her memory has improved. She was still mad. I probably didn't help by pointing out that she got lost a block from home last week. "I made it back didn't I?" It's tough to find a validation target with someone who's been on her own since 16. But barely functioned. Lost home in the city to a short sale in '83. Lost 25 acres to foreclosure in '85. Almost lost her current 5 acres to foreclosure in '99, but I sent her $5k. Now it's the tax lein. So we're taking a trip to the mountains tomorrow morning... .

[Turkish]

Made It Through The Day

I took a day off work due to my mom refusing to call the county tax collector's office. No appreciation that it costs me a day's salary. As many companies have done in the US, we no longer get sick time, but PTO (paid time off), which is vacation and possible sick time combined. I have two little kids.

After the almost 2.5 hour drive to the mountains, we first stopped by her bank to check her account balance. Her bank is 8 miles up the mountain highway from the town where the county offices reside. I gave her a choice, and she agreed it was better to stop by the bank first.

As she was going in, I said, "maybe you can check if you can set up an onlone account so you can check your balance from the city." She irritably replied, "no, that's private!" Still paranoid about me taking control when that isn't what it's about. I felt my face flushing. I was mad, but I didn't say anything.

After stopping to get her mail, we stopped at a burger stand for lunch. She said she'd pay. There wasn't a line, but the teenager at the window sat there while my mom searched her pockets for the cash she had withdrawn. After this went on for almost 3 mins, I figured out the non-triggering way out. I tossed the kid a twenty, and told me mom, "just give me a twenty later." I learned this previously at Wally World where there was a long line, she stood there lost, and I "signed" the electronic pad. She gave me static about it later, confused and upset. Another time was when I just paid for something. This isn't BPD, it's just slowness. I learned. After we got our burgers, she found her money. I didn't offer change. She didn't ask. My utility bill has gone up $100 already. I've never asked her for money. I won't.

Time at the property went well. Her anxiety about being robbed of her Hoard was abated when she was able to pack her Wedgewood china. Her semi-feral cat came around (not ribby; it's a good hunter, though we opened cans of cat food which he devoured). Her chicken showed up, too, mysteriously out of the woods. I need to send that thing to DARPA or something. It's amazing that a lone hen can survive so long, the rest of its brood having long been slaughtered by predators. It ate the cat food. Carnivorous chicken. Maybe that explains some things. Dino DNA

I picked up one box she had packed, to carry it to my car. I felt something wet on my hand. Feces. When she wasn't looking, I took pics of the floor in the kitchen. I guess i never thought off it, but most of the lineleum was encrusted with a dark layer. Dog and other animal feces. It's all over most of the house. I wish I were exaggerating.

Getting the china resulted in she feeling better. We drove 12 miles down to the county seat. She got the tax info from the ladies there. One of them really seemed to care about my mom, not your typical DMV government drones. There were no lines. Small town.

She had a payment due for the back tax payment plan. She also missed the October payment for the year's taxes, but the full amount of $1100 isn't due until April. The total back taxes are like $3400. Half is due this calendar year, the balance the next, with 1.5% interest accrual/mo. Not bad. She didn't have checks. It was a 2.5% charge to pay electronically. I was hanging back, letting her handle it, but I nosed my way in to understand what was due when. The ladies there were encouraging her. My mom said, "people said I couldn't do it, even my son, but I did." I was pissed, felt myself flushing again. I said, "I didn't say that. I sent you $1000 when this all started to help you make the first payment." I used my calm, Turkish voice. She said, "when was that?" I replied, "Two summers ago when I mailed you the money when you were 3 weeks from being evicted." "Oh."

We left with payment envelopes.

I said that it would be better to pay now, rather than by mail. I asked her if she had enough money in her account to make the payment, and that it would be better than accruing 1.5% into next month. After some fumbling, she pulled out her bank statement, keeping it hidden, and said yes.

As we walked out, I convinced her that it would be better to just make a payment today rather than mailng it. So we drove 8 miles back up the mountain to her bank. She got temporary checks. We drove back down, and she made the payment. She messed up writing the first check. The lady was nice and walked her through it. I just watched, resisting my urge to take control. This took 20 mins. I could have written a check for all of it, but her problem is her responsibility.

At least she didn't ask about the truck. She commented on the way back about not being able to drive in city traffic. All in all, I get the feeling that she wants to go back. After the winter and snows, I'm thinking about validating this. She's borderline functional, even though the PTSD symptoms have subsided. She's still obsessed with her hoard and being robbed. Attachment.

She was mailed a survey to rate her Nurse Practitioner. She said that she wasn't gong to fill it out because she still feels angry that she was detained for four hours until I picked her up, one point short of being declared 5150 and being held involuntarily. I told her that it was 30 degress F and that they were worried about her walking up the highway (dirt shoulder). She said that she can survive. I pointed out that she was cold in my house where I keep the thermostat at 65F. "I survive!" Wth is the validation target there?

I really think that she's going back in a month, maybe two. I have no problem providing shelter and food. The extra money isn't the issue. It's her stubborness and refusal to do what is simple in my mind, to reduce drama and take care of what's easily fixable. I think that she'll wreck the truck, hopefully not killing anybody, and then that will be it. Then I will get another call to rescue, things being much worse, from a situation that's totally avoidable. 

[Turkish]

The day ended ok; the beginning, not so much.

Church day with the kids. The routine is to go for Pho (Vietnamese noodle soup) after church, especially given the cold weather.

Early this morning, my mom said, "I need to talk to you." Oh boy. She asked me if I talked to her family. I said that her siblings were all gone, who was she talking about? (I said this more nicely). She said her cousins. I said that yes, I was in touch with them on FB, her second cousins, whom I'd never met. She said, "im sorry if i start crying," and she did a little. Then she started telling me that she felt like she was going to die, telegraphing that she was ready... Imbalance issues which she's hidden from me (since I haven't observed this, I didn't comment).  She said that the other day that she caught herself on the wall. Also, that she couldn't lift her left foot for a while. I said that we should go to the doctor. She declined, saying that though there was something wrong, they had no clue. I can't help but think that the utter filth that she's lived in may not have given her some brain parasite. Who knows?

She started talking about how the clinic in the mountains poo--pood these symptoms and just kept her prisoner until I came to get her. She started talking again about being ready to die, but that she wanted to spend quality time with her grandchildren. I agreed that she has been spending good time with them. Then, it switched.

She started talking about her house. That it could be fixed. 20 years ago, the foundation, which is on cinder blocks, was bad. Last weekend, I took photos: ceilings decrepit with insulation hanging down, mold on the ceilings, and the best part: years of animal feces ecrusted on the ktchen floor. You can only tell that by a small spot near the door where you can still see the linoleum. I really should have tried to get her on the Hoarders show ten years ago. As much as I'm tempted to bring her back after winter, I can't. My friends at work, who've known me for over 20 years, said that I'd end up in the papers as the horrible son. Given the small rural county, they may be right. This isn't a major concern. She's still going on how the health professionals kept her prisoner. She still doesn't understand. I could contact a social wotker to start a case file, but my mom would hate me forever, and she'd end up in some facility. She'd rather die.

Going to see my T tomorrow. I need it.

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish,

How are things now?

She said, "im sorry if i start crying," and she did a little. Then she started telling me that she felt like she was going to die, telegraphing that she was ready...

... .

She started talking again about being ready to die, but that she wanted to spend quality time with her grandchildren.

Perhaps this is not so much about your mother actually wanting to die, but more that she was scared that she was going to die. Perhaps as a result of her distorted thinking, those symptoms she mentioned like not being able to lift her foot, triggered a 'catastrophizing' response in her. Through all her dysfunction you have described in your posts, I also see that your mother in her disordered way does seem to really care about you and your kids. It could also be that underneath what she is saying about being scared to die, is that she is scared the good times she is now able to have with you and your kids would come to an end. She might be fearing that her body is physically 'ready to die', though spiritually or emotionally she really is not ready to die and that's why she is feeling so upset.

From her history you've described, she has experienced loss and abandonment through the years in various forms. You however have always been a consistent presence and force and have now stepped up more than probably anyone has ever done for her in her life. Though she might be bad in expressing it (and might indeed also be still attached to her house and her hoard), she probably does really like being around you and your kids. The attachment to the hoard is on the surface and most easily visible and hard to break. Yet while reading between the lines, underneath that more visible attachment might lie a more profound attachment to you and the next generation of the wolf pack, your kids. Though you cannot make her BPD go away, what you have done for her soul with your patience and kindness is invaluable. No matter how big her hoard might be, deep down inside seeing and being around you and your kids might be what your mother cherishes most of all.

Do you feel like any of this might explain what's going on with your mother feeling this way and expressing she is 'ready to die'.

[Turkish]

I wasn't going to update this today, since it may be annoying (and given far more dire situations here, but since you replied... .enabler!

Perhaps this is not so much about your mother actually wanting to die, but more that she was scared that she was going to die. Perhaps as a result of her distorted thinking, those symptoms she mentioned like not being able to lift her foot, triggered a 'catastrophizing' response in her.

You are probably right about this being a triggered response. And yes, she does care about the kids and me. If she ever mentions wanting to die in front of the kids, I'm going to put the kibosh on that though!

My T asked yesterday, "When she is at her house, does she notice how it is, especially compared to where she is living with you?" I said, "No and yes. Kind of, but mostly no." He said, "your mother is mentally ill." Thanks, Dr. I could have just payed myself $185 to say that!

I didn't say that. He talked a little about how our society (not all of Western Society, but mostly the USA) doesn't really handle aging well. Since she is a Christian, he asked if I had hear of Stephens Ministers. I had. I looked into it, but it's hard to find someone here. Besides, my mom thinks that she doesn't need help or companionship. It's an interesting program though, Christian caretakers trained specifically for this. The program was started by a Psychologist and taken locally, then nationally outside of the original church. My mom doesn't trust anybody either. Hard to say. Which brings me to last night.

I had called the health care provider (HMO) to get an appointment to have someone talk to her about signing up her Medi-care (the USA's socialized medicine program for the elderly). She needs a local provider, though. They told me that I can't even make an appointment without having medical Power of Attorney. I wish that they had told me that last month.

I talked to my mom about it, and she was in a better mood, having taken herself off of her thyroid meds. She said that she felt better. She started complaining about the HMO and didn't want to even go to an info session in two weeks. I said, "so what if you need medical care?" She said that she would get herself to the UC (University of California hospitals in either San Francisco or near Sacramento, 1 and 3 hours away, respectively). I said that now she had the power to control things for herself, to get a doctor locally, to establish a relationship with someone. She was stubborn. I said that likely what would happen is that I would come home, find her on the floor, call 911 and they they would take her somewhere and it would be both out of my hands and hers as well. She asked why out of my hands. I said that because I have no legal options here.

I once more went through the story and her responses were the same.

This is what I told my T yesterday, that it was so frustrating that people were so turned inward into their own pain that they don't see how their choices impact and cause damage to those around them.

My mom also talked about the mountains and how they (the clinic people) "shafted" her by sending her to come live with me. Gee mom, I saved your life and so did they and your little dogs, too!

I didn't say this last part. So I told my mom, "Ok, if this is your decision, I won't mention it again," and I put the papers I had back into a manila folder and watched tv with her.

She just called me from home. When I called back, no answer. I need to get video cameras inside of the house, but she'd probably flip about that. So, I'm leaving work now to go check on things... .

Edit: I got a hold of her. Mistake call.

[GaGrl]

At what point might you consider having her declared incapable, so that you become a guardian? It sounds as if that could become a possibility.

I ask because my 89 year old Mother is currently living in a house I own, 350 miles from where I Live, and she is 95% on top of her health care, finances and daily needs. Someone your mom's age with t he cognitive issues she displays is concern I g.

[Turkish]

At what point might you consider having her declared incapable, so that you become a guardian? It sounds as if that could become a possibility.

I ask because my 89 year old Mother is currently living in a house I own, 350 miles from where I Live, and she is 95% on top of her health care, finances and daily needs. Someone your mom's age with t he cognitive issues she displays is concern I g.

I think that my mom would have a complete psychotic break if I were to do this. The clinicians who deatained her out of concern for her safety "shafted" her after all. I can think of ways I could do this, but I would not be able to handle her in my home.

She did call her friend in The Islands, a woman she's been friends with for almost 40 years. She's had issues in the past, but is mentally stable. The phone ran out of minutes. I forgot that I destroyed the PIN on the new card, so I let my mom talk on my phone. The friend had called me on my way home.

I was in the other room down the hall, but I could hear snippets of the conversation. Saying that my Ex was nice to her, but was BPD (my mom and her friend are RNs). I heard that she wanted to go back. I also heard an answer to a question, "no, it's not filthy." And, "the house needs minor repairs." Anyone not knowing better would assume that this sounds reasonable, and that she's in control of her faculties. This is what's difficult.

1) Aggressive plan: take her back and call the health department. The pound would remove her dogs due to the filth. She'd be evicted and homeless. The other downside is that the county would give a timeline to clean it all up. She'd also be cited. Majorly triggered, I wouldn't be able to handle her here. She'd end up in a home. Working in geriatric care the last 15 years of her career, she hates those places. I could handle being hated, but she'd never be the same.

2) Less aggressive plan: if she absolutely demands to go back, I'll take her back as I picked her up. The clinic would give her an assesment; she'd pass. My buddy would drive her truck back to her road where we found it (because when I got her, she had no idea where it was) with a dead battery. As the weather gets better, I know she will, push more to go back.

3) Brainstorm plan: have a social worker assigned to evaluate her situation after #2, right away. It would result in #1, however. Or, I'd be in the care of her here, but assigned POA. She'd hate me, and the three deoressive episodes I've dealt with thus far would be like Romper Room in comparison.

4) Wish plan: that she dies peacefully in her sleep as her parents did; in warmth, cleanliness and with me and her grandchildren. This sounds selfish, and it is. Maybe this makes me a bad son/person.

You're right, she is still so young, and having survived breast cancer and the beginnings of ovarian cancer in the last decade, there's no reason what she shouldn't be good for another decade.

[Turkish]

Something changed and I can't put my finger on it.

No severe depressive episodes lately. I think as loud and as rambunctious as the kids can be, my mom appreciates them overall. D3 calls the "non" [borderline] Chihuahua "my pet." The kids kss my mom goodnight (I always send them to her at bedtime) and goodbye in the morning. I see my mom laugh and smile at their love, emotions I don't remember. I remember sometimes being loved, but the splitting (emotionally berating and smacking) confused me as a child so that I withdrew into my own world. Still, I'm happy when I see my mom happy with the grandchildren she had been asking for throughout my 20s and 30s. Her comment to her friend the other day about the kids being "out of control" still bugs me, but I was quiet, reserved and shy. I'm normally pretty Zen in the face of conflict, but it took me into my 40s to realize that this isn't my true personality. I look at my kids and realize, "this is how non neglected and n in abused children should be, not the waif, standing in the corner dressed in black."  I don't entirely lay this at my mother's feet, but also in combination with severe bullying from when I first realized it in 1st grade (6) until mid-way through high school, and then a little afterwards. Another subject for another board... ./auto-hijack.

When I come home, my bed and that of the kids are no longer made. I never asked, but it's a change. She no longer sweeps either, which is why I said tonight that I wanted to do a thorough house cleaning. I didn't blame her. I said that the weekend was perfect due to being home in the day and the way the morning light shines into the back rooms. At night, I miss seeing things. She wasn't triggered. Good.

I baked a frozen pizza late last night. I left a piece on the counter for my mom. It wasn't delivery, but D'Giorgno. As frozen pizzas go: da bomb. That the frozen pizza industrial complex took decades to figure out that vacuum-sealing pizzas results in such a better product is a culinary crime. /frozen-pizza hijack.

I was cleaning up the kitchen and started to toss the piece of pizza and my mom grabbed it, saying, "don't throw that out!" She proceeded to eat it, and told me, "this is the first I've eaten all day." I looked at some cheese-covered Kaiser rolls she'd picked up last Sunday. She said that they had started to mold so she didn't eat. I looked at the opposite counter, which had an unopened loaf of her favorite rye, unopened for a week. The wheat-grain partial loaf next to it which is for the kids' sandwiches. I asked her why hadn't she eaten. No reply. There's 3 kinds of lunch meat in the fridge, not including the new loaf of Braunschweiger I got her a few days ago. Cheese. A banana. Ramen in the cupboard, and also three frozen microwaveable meals o bought specifically for her. There is also canned meat, of which she had partaken of last month. So why hadn't she eaten? I don't know, and I really don't get it.

The night was ok. We went to the church to watch Woodlawn (great movie). I had brought my mom home a fajita burrito and she ate half of it when we got home after the movie. She thanked me and went to bed.

[Turkish]

I was thinking of posting an update last night, like "almost two weeks with no drama," etc... .but that would have been boring, though hopeful. *sigh*

S6 had his tap dance class tonight. I already cut out of work early to pick the kids up from the Ex-laws. I told my mom that we'd be home an hour later, just past dark. I picked them up and headed to the dance studio. I would have needed an extra 15 mins to pick up my mom. I could have done it, but I also figure I have a right to my own time with the kids. I'm still reeling from recently getting the worst job performance review I've had in 23 years. Thanks, BPD   not my mom so much as my Ex, and I know that I'm ultimately responsible for me.

We arrived home just as it got dark. The lights weren't on...

My mom was sitting on the couch watching tv. I asked,."hi, were you taking a nap?" No. I could tell something was up. However, I had dinner to make, one kid bathe, trash to take out, and it was already late.

My mom started picking up their clothes to fold them, and I said, "oh, some of those are S6's dirty clothes... ." and I didn't get another word in other than she tossing the clothes onto the bed, "fine," and she walked back to the dark living room.

The kids were oblivious. I seared chicken for them, and more for an Indian dish I was making, vegetables, etc. My mom went outside to smoke. My daughter wanted to go outside to play with the dogs. I told her not to. Grandma needed time with her dogs. D3 got upset. Lashed out at her brother. I sent her to the living room, though she went to her room to pout.

She came back. I had done part of the chicken, and fed it to them, along with raw carrots, which they like. The rice had finished, but they wouldn't tomuch it. Their problem. I was still, working on the Indian dish. I added mushrooms and zuchini to the recipe.

D3 needed a bath, so I got her in there. My mom was still on the couch watching

Hill Street Blues. I got her finished, S6 dresses for bed (by himself, but it's a struggle), and had them say good night to grandma after their nightly routine. I had given my mom a spoonful of rice and the Indian goulasch. She said she wasn't hungry. I noticed afterwards that she went back for more.

After the kids were down, I updated my mom with logistical things and retired to the back porch. She soon came out to smoke. I said that we were going up to the mountains to visit next weekend. She said that she wasn't going (I could feel the Waif-Hermit already). I asked why. She said that she was mad at "V" for keeping her truck. I said that I had asked him to keep her truck. "Well then I'm mad at you." I skipped SE (because frankly I'm sick of this conversation) and said "ok, but the last time you came back, you said that you didn't think you could drive in city traffic." Silence. "You're doing well saving up paying the property taxes, and you have enough money to take care of that now. However, the truck needs about $4k worth of body work, and you can work on that next. " Stare. "The bed needs aligning, and the tailgate is held on my a steel cable because the bed is bent." "It's held on by a rope." "It's held on by a steel cable which your [bi-polar and unhealthy] friend put on there."

"So I see that you're still running around with the old gang."

"What gang is that, mom?"

"You know," she said.

"[BP friend]?"

"Yes."

TTTTT: "Mom, I go to work every day, come home. Take care of the kids who cycle in and out of here every 2-3 days. I don't have time to hang out with anybody. I talked to [BP Frenemy] two months ago, a wee, before you came here... She called me to ask about you. I missed the call, and you declined to call her back, and I respect that.Though I'm not necessarily angry at her, I

Don't like the way she was to you, so I won't accept any call unless you want to talk to her."

Silence. Some small, talk, and then, "I'm going to bed."

After a week of something near to normality, this dysregulation caught me off guard.

As pathetic as it sounds, this feels similar to my r/s with my Ex: a feeling that she always has one foot out the door. I can validate the episodes, but overall, it's not a stable r/s. How stable a r/s can one have with a person who is periodically and recurringly dissociated from reality?

[Kwamina]

We arrived home just as it got dark. The lights weren't on...

... .

My mom started picking up their clothes to fold them, and I said, "oh, some of those are S6's dirty clothes... ." and I didn't get another word in other than she tossing the clothes onto the bed, "fine," and she walked back to the dark living room.

... .

She said that she was mad at "V" for keeping her truck. I said that I had asked him to keep her truck. "Well then I'm mad at you."

... .

"So I see that you're still running around with the old gang."

Major red flags indeed. I remember this kind of behavior from my mother too, sitting in the dark or just sitting there with the television turned off and the telephone disconnected. Those were scary times because I wondered if she was really gonna loose it this time. When I saw her sitting like that I feared she might not snap out of it. I found this silent dysregulation terrifying, in a way just as terrifying as 'the Witch'.

As pathetic as it sounds, this feels similar to my r/s with my Ex: a feeling that she always has one foot out the door. I can validate the episodes, but overall, it's not a stable r/s. How stable a r/s can one have with a person who is periodically and recurringly dissociated from reality?

I think it might help to judge yourself more kindly and use more gentle language to describe what you are going through. Nothing of what you've been through these last couple of moths sounds easy or pathetic to me. It actually sounds very hard, living with your BPD mother again after all these years while also taking care of your two little kids and co-parenting with your BPD ex is a lot to deal with. I am sorry your job performance review was not so positive this time, I can definitely see though how all the things you have on your plate could also influence you when you're at work. It's hard to just turn those things off and do your work as if nothing is going on. Perhaps you can use this moment to make a change or as a sign that you need to be mindful of how things are affecting you and that it's important to also consider your own needs.

Considering both your mom and ex exhibit BPD traits, I think it is natural that certain relationship dynamics will feel the same. As far as stability, I think we can say that the disordered person will always be the more likely one to destabilize things. So for any stability to come to the relationship, this has to come from us. This again places a huge burden and responsibility on us, but the (unfortunate) reality is that it's highly unlikely our BPD family-members will change and all of a sudden become stable people. However, it is so that by changing our own responses, we will change the dynamics of our relationships and might even positively influence the BPD people in our lives. I remember from some of your previous posts that after you changed your responses, it seemed your ex was becoming more stable/pleasant.

[steelwork]

You're helping her save up the money she needs to pay back taxes, get her truck back... .apologies--I don't know the whole story and have not had time to read all of it. Seems like you took her in in an emergency situation. Is this a permanent arrangement at this point, or are you working to get her back into her place with her truck?

Do you have siblings?

If it's permanent, does it seem sustainable?

There's a deliberate, process-driven calm in the way you write about your household: the tasks, the ingredients if your Indian goulash, etc. You're a maintenance manager, I take it? Sometimes a mechanic? I picture you taking all the parts of the relationship with your mother and spreading them out on a drop cloth, cleaning them with a rag, lining them up again, reassembling this part and that, careful not to strip any bolts, etc.

Why am I saying that? I don't know, except that for all it exhausts you to live it there is a meditative quality to reading about it. But there's also an unreal, dreamlike quality that I associate with shock. Do you think you might be experiencing some shock?

Man, you need one relationship (even a pool buddy) that does not involve any caretaking. Do you have that?

[steelwork]

So I caught up a little more. You've got a few scenarios outlined. (Sorry--I should have read more thoroughly before replying--I've just been dipping in and out of your updates.)

I don't have any advice, not that you are asking for it. But are there social workers available -- for her and for you -- to help you flesh out the scenarios you're working with? If nothing else, it might make you feel less like the only adult person on the case. Sorry if that is a dumb q or if you answered it back there somewhere.

I mean possibly the hospital that evaluated her could set you up with someone? A social services agency? You really should not be alone in this. Not fair to you or your kids, imo.

[Turkish]

I thought about callng in a social worker. That would be a major trigger.

Due to me mixing up today and tomorrow, I ended up not going into work today. I wanted to go by myself, but I figured getting out would help my mom, so I took her to Wal Mart. I brought both kids home by 2PM. I did laundry. Mom took the kids for a very short walk with the dogs. We sat down to watch Big Hero 6 (great movie about sacrifice, doing the right thing instead of being consumed by anger, etc... .). She was like a different person today. I think last night was not so much BPD as her depression... Axis I mental ilnesses are "state" based, while Axis II are "trait" based. Her paranoid comments, however, may have been the BPD. Assigning labels helps in analysis, but it falls to us who are not suffering to do what we have to do in order to reduce drama, assert boundaries and the like.

The paranoia is fascinating. I don't remember if I mentioned it, but about a month ago, she said, "I never liked that gang you hung out with in high school." I listed the 4 guys I hung out with, all still friends to this day, and she said, "no, none of them." I listed a 5th ho I ended up rooming with in college, but am no longer friends with. "No, not him either."   I'm not sure who you're talking about mom. "Hm." End of conversation.

I do failure analysis (of semiconductors) for a living, so tearing into something to find root cause is what I do. I may get overly anaytical at times. My T accused of that: thinking too much rather than feeling.

I "own" several tools at work, and trouble-shoot and do minor maintenace as necessary, but I'm not really a mechanic. I suck at home repairs, at least my ex used to tell me. I do fix my kids' toys though when they go on the blink electronically, so maybe she judged me too harshly. And kept her old car running by replacing this and that... .and saved her an $1800 repair by advocating for her at the mechanic when they tried to snow her because she was a woman... .thanklessness. Oops, going into deatching board territory. 

[steelwork]

Thinking of you, Turkish. How are things?

I thought about callng in a social worker. That would be a major trigger.

Maybe there's a way for you to talk to a social worker alone. Get some input.

I do failure analysis (of semiconductors) for a living, so tearing into something to find root cause is what I do. I may get overly anaytical at times. My T accused of that: thinking too much rather than feeling.

Yup, yup. I'm an overthinker myself. I used to be a linguist in a past life, so I know about the puzzle solving. One thing I came to and am working with is the fact that I use my intellect to "solve" what my emotions can't handle. Life-long habit that keeps me from fully feeling things.

[Turkish]

Things have been stable. I swore I wrote it in my last post, but my mom apologized for her "insecurities."

I took my mom to a homeless outreach Saturday. I do something like event security, and whatever other little things need to be done. I had my mom sit at a table and talk to guests. She's good at that. It was a smaller event, no drama this time. Later, she said it was fun.

Yesterday, I watched the kids for a few hours on my Ex's day since they are moving. Hijinks will ensue, but that's a subject for another board... .

The weekend to take the kids to the snow is postponed for two weeks, so I don't have to ask her this week if she wants to go with us.

A guy at work gifted me a CCTV system, 4 cameras, 960 dpi. He even said he and his buddy would help me install them. I'm thinking about putting one in the living room, but that might trigger her. Truthfully, that might trigger me. Then again, it's my house and I would do this if she were not there.

I was running through scenarios in my head about how I could do this if she is insistent about going back. I'll cross that bridge when we arrive. I was thinking about calling her PA. Due to HIPPA, she may not be able to say much, but I could preface it with,."hypothetically, say this guy had a mother... ."