Isolated and fed up

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This is my first time posting to anything like this... .Or really even talking about it with a group of people who may have similar experiences. I hope it is helpful.

My mother has borderline personality disorder. My entire life has been characterized by the intense up and downs of BPD along with the hurtful raging, emotional/verbal abuse and isolation that come along with this disorder. On top of it all my father is and has been an alcoholic and a drug addict since before I was born. He is no longer in the picture. My mother and I spent most of my childhood in and out of homeless shelters or living with one of her 6 different husbands. I grew up completely isolated from the rest of my extended family up until I turned 15 when we moved back near them. My mother would move every time she got divorced/got married so I never stayed in one place for very long (longest stretch was 2 years... .Most were less than 1 year). Consequently, most of my friendships growing up were fairly shallow. I would meet new people and begin a friendship but then when I was forced to move away the friendship would die down. I keep in contact with some old friends still but none I feel especially close to. Which leads me to the title of my post... .Lately I have been feeling increasingly isolated. Like no one around me really knows me and if they were to stick around long enough to get to know me they would want to leave. It makes enduring the harsh criticism of my moms raging insults that much harder to bear because I don't feel like I have anyone who I can talk to who will understand my situation.

I am married. He is great but grew up in a nice, functional (more or less) family so when I try to explain my feelings to him I can see the glazed over look in his eyes. He just doesn't get it. He tries to empathize but he just can't. Anyway... .I am hoping I can find the outlet I am looking for on here. Just someone to talk to who understands. I feel like I am going crazy inside my head all the time. Constantly questioning my own thoughts and trying to check them to make sure they aren't irrational (anyone else have that fear? I think it stems from a deep-seeded fear that I will end up becoming like my mother... .Irrationally angry and lashing out all the time) Anyway it would just be nice to not feel like I'm the only one struggling with this stuff

[bbrinadee]

This is my first time posting to anything like this... .Or really even talking about it with a group of people who may have similar experiences. I hope it is helpful.

My mother has borderline personality disorder. My entire life has been characterized by the intense up and downs of BPD along with the hurtful raging, emotional/verbal abuse and isolation that come along with this disorder. On top of it all my father is and has been an alcoholic and a drug addict since before I was born. He is no longer in the picture. My mother and I spent most of my childhood in and out of homeless shelters or living with one of her 6 different husbands. I grew up completely isolated from the rest of my extended family up until I turned 15 when we moved back near them. My mother would move every time she got divorced/got married so I never stayed in one place for very long (longest stretch was 2 years... .Most were less than 1 year). Consequently, most of my friendships growing up were fairly shallow. I would meet new people and begin a friendship but then when I was forced to move away the friendship would die down. I keep in contact with some old friends still but none I feel especially close to. Which leads me to the title of my post... .Lately I have been feeling increasingly isolated. Like no one around me really knows me and if they were to stick around long enough to get to know me they would want to leave. It makes enduring the harsh criticism of my moms raging insults that much harder to bear because I don't feel like I have anyone who I can talk to who will understand my situation.

I am married. He is great but grew up in a nice, functional (more or less) family so when I try to explain my feelings to him I can see the glazed over look in his eyes. He just doesn't get it. He tries to empathize but he just can't. Anyway... .I am hoping I can find the outlet I am looking for on here. Just someone to talk to who understands. I feel like I am going crazy inside my head all the time. Constantly questioning my own thoughts and trying to check them to make sure they aren't irrational (anyone else have that fear? I think it stems from a deep-seeded fear that I will end up becoming like my mother... .Irrationally angry and lashing out all the time) Anyway it would just be nice to not feel like I'm the only one struggling with this stuff

[tenacity]

Hi   and welcome 

I am very sorry to hear you are struggling with the isolation and all that it brings. It can be devastating. And as much as someone may want to understand or empathize... .if they haven't been in the situation, like you said it is difficult for them to understand. I think you will most definitely find that outlet here. I think isolation sadly can be a by product of this kind of upbringing. It sure has been for me. I just posted something similar tonight  :'( I can relate to SO much of what you said. It can become a heartbreaking existence to say the least. It does make it harder to endure any kind of criticism or raging... .there never seems to be a flip side, happy side or someone saying nice things side. Or if there is it is so small in comparison. I don't have any answers for you. I am sorry. I feel like it is the last piece of the puzzle for me. But if you just need someone to talk to that understands. I am here for you. Feel free to message me. 

[HappyChappy]

Firstly well done on surviving your childhood, that sounds like a toughy. I have a BPD mother, and my wife moved around every 2 years as a kid . My first girlfriend had an alcoholic father, so you should be proud of the fact you managed all of that in one.

Secondly, you’re right to worry about the isolation, in that part of how most of us have healed on this website is by reaching out, and getting perspective, and getting validation. A Therapaist can be a quick fix, but good friends are much better value. So you’re doing the right thing.

As for hubby not getting it, my wife also glazes over, it’s frustrating but normal. Most of us struggle to understand things we have no perspective on, but you’ll get loads of validation here. I once posted about how my BPD mom use to spit in my face without provocation, and I found out there are plenty of BPD spitters and also why they do it (to put us in our place). So feel free to share, as I have yet to see a judgmental comment on here.  What have you got to lose ?

A BPD does purposefully try to isolate you, they want to anchor you as they are afraid of being abandoned. But you of course need to look after your own needs, as a BPD is unlikely to be watching out for that. I found the best way to make friends was to join a club that catered to one of your hobbies or interests, because straight away you have common ground to speak about. I also found, looking back, that my friends all shared a common theme, we’d all experienced prejudice and or overbearing parents, weather that was because of race or being gay, alcoholic father,  NPA father, but in my case I was scapegoat by my BPD mom. So these friends gave me good advice, if not from a more indirect perspective. We also were brothers in arms, so to speak, in our views. So I’m sure you will also find helpful relationships and if you need specific validation, this website is hard to beat for that. The advice I’ve had has been top notch, and we children of BPD tend to be good at supporting (our BPD trained us to do that). So Welcome.

[bbrinadee]

Thank you for both of your responses! @HappyChappy I am actually pretty excited about this board. I think it will be good to have people to talk to/vent to. I only recently had it confirmed that my mother has BPD. As a child I remember reading a book about it and having suspicions but obviously I could never bring that concern up to her. I think I will take your advice and share my experiences to see if other's have been through similar things.

After posting this I made a decision to try talking to my husband about my feelings again. Obviously he can't understand in the same way a fellow child of BPD parent can but I found that it really helped for me to at least try talking to him and explaining things. I often find that I keep my emotions/thoughts/feelings hidden and then act critical or resentful toward my husband over things that aren't actually the root of my problem. I feel like this is a bad habit I picked up from growing up with a BPD parent. I feel isolated, and yet I push people away thus further isolating myself. It's like my brain can't comprehend that there are people out there who actually WANT to help and be there for me without any ulterior motives.

[Anaias]

I am married. He is great but grew up in a nice, functional (more or less) family so when I try to explain my feelings to him I can see the glazed over look in his eyes. He just doesn't get it. He tries to empathize but he just can't. Anyway... .I am hoping I can find the outlet I am looking for on here. Just someone to talk to who understands. I feel like I am going crazy inside my head all the time. Constantly questioning my own thoughts and trying to check them to make sure they aren't irrational (anyone else have that fear? I think it stems from a deep-seeded fear that I will end up becoming like my mother... .Irrationally angry and lashing out all the time) Anyway it would just be nice to not feel like I'm the only one struggling with this stuff.

Hi there - I can relate to you SO WELL.  I just wrote on a thread I started (Anaias) about how I am getting sucked into the craziness that I am questioning the validity of my own perceptions.  When others in my family including BPD sister are all invalidating my perspectives, are they wrong?  Or am I going crazy?  And I too have a husband from a very straight and clean family - no mental illness at all  )  But don't you think we are lucky to have found healthy partners!  Even if all this stuff is hard for them to understand. 

[daughterandmom]

Hi bbrinadee   

Welcome! I am pretty new here too, but I think you will find that you've landed in the right place. I also am married to a husband who came from a stable home. He tries to be empathetic, but it's like describing life on another planet. And most things are summed up with "Well, we all know your mom is crazy."    It's quite an overwhelming feeling finding a group of people here who actually get it. I am happy to chat with you anytime. I hope that you start to feel less isolated as you make connections.