New here (again)

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone. For anyone taking the time to read this post, I really appreciate it.

Long story short-- I am a 39 year old daughter/only child of a mother with uBPD.  I have vacillated my whole life between being the "all good" child and the "all bad" child.  I have 2 living children (ages 9 and 4) and a daughter that died at birth 5 years ago.  I have decided to go NC with my mother because of an incident where she accused/ raged at  me of not allowing her to "comfort" me when my daughter died (among soo many other things).  I am ashamed to admit, that her raging/accusation was a major trigger for me (in regards to my grief journey over my child's death) and I ended up screaming back at her and telling her to go away and never come back (with several expletives thrown in).  I know it was her goal to get me raging and screaming (mirroring her) and I hate that I gave into it. 

I am really struggling with this because the holidays are coming up and the guilt is setting in.  On one hand, I understand that she can't truly control how she behaves but I am SICK of being her whipping post.  She has managed to alienate/ cutoff every single person that has ever had a relationship with her, except for me until recently.  I struggle with the thought of her being all alone during the holidays, even though I know it is of her own making.  I also have a hard time managing society's/others reactions to "divorcing" a parent. However, I absolutely do not want any kind of relationship with her. 

I need help/advice with how to move forward and how to manage the guilt I'm feeling.  ALSO-- I am considering some therapy and have had mixed luck in the past with counselors.  I wanted to go NC about 2 years ago and my counselor discouraged it.  How do I find someone to talk to that won't judge my decisions/reality, and instead will help me work through the feelings of guilt?

[mommies dearest]

Hello everyone. For anyone taking the time to read this post, I really appreciate it.

Long story short-- I am a 39 year old daughter/only child of a mother with uBPD.  I have vacillated my whole life between being the "all good" child and the "all bad" child.  I have 2 living children (ages 9 and 4) and a daughter that died at birth 5 years ago.  I have decided to go NC with my mother because of an incident where she accused/ raged at  me of not allowing her to "comfort" me when my daughter died (among soo many other things).  I am ashamed to admit, that her raging/accusation was a major trigger for me (in regards to my grief journey over my child's death) and I ended up screaming back at her and telling her to go away and never come back (with several expletives thrown in).  I know it was her goal to get me raging and screaming (mirroring her) and I hate that I gave into it. 

I am really struggling with this because the holidays are coming up and the guilt is setting in.  On one hand, I understand that she can't truly control how she behaves but I am SICK of being her whipping post.  She has managed to alienate/ cutoff every single person that has ever had a relationship with her, except for me until recently.  I struggle with the thought of her being all alone during the holidays, even though I know it is of her own making.  I also have a hard time managing society's/others reactions to "divorcing" a parent. However, I absolutely do not want any kind of relationship with her. 

I need help/advice with how to move forward and how to manage the guilt I'm feeling.  ALSO-- I am considering some therapy and have had mixed luck in the past with counselors.  I wanted to go NC about 2 years ago and my counselor discouraged it.  How do I find someone to talk to that won't judge my decisions/reality, and instead will help me work through the feelings of guilt?

[HappyChappy]

I have decided to go NC with my mother because of an incident where she accused/ raged at  me ... .I am ashamed to admit, that her raging/accusation was a major trigger for me... .I know it was her goal to get me raging and screaming (mirroring her) and I hate that I gave into it.  

I also have a hard time managing society's/others reactions to "divorcing" a parent. However, I absolutely do not want any kind of relationship with her.  

I need help/advice with how to move forward and how to manage the guilt I'm feeling.  ALSO-- I am considering some therapy and have had mixed luck in the past with counselors.  I wanted to go NC about 2 years ago and my counselor discouraged it.  How do I find someone to talk to that won't judge my decisions/reality, and instead will help me work through the feelings of guilt?

So sorry to hear you’ve been through the wars, but well done on weathering it all. Firstly, when triggered by a BPD, we are just being human. We do feel guilt, but only because our BPD expertly taught us to feel guilt. Of course a bully will make their victum feel guilt, such as saying the way a woman dressed invited rape. But this simply is true. On your point about how to stop feeling the guilt, you need perspective from those outside the FOO. I found this website good for that, but also a Therapist or the right kind or a friend. Sounds like you’ve been a little unlucky with your Therapist, but I think most people on this site talk about having to shop around with Therapists (as with anything). The other aspect is the type of therapy they offer, CBT is what worked for me, because I have C-PTSD. Also if you do have PTSD then you will be very easily triggered by whatever it was that created the PTSD (Narcisstic behaviour in my case).

I had no option but to go NC, because my BPD was the main trigger of my C-PTSD. But it was absolutely the right thing to do to help me heal. I also felt like you, that I never wanted a relationship with my BPD, and indeed since childhood I was clear I had no love for her. However, now my health has improved, I may hook back up, just to see if I can weather her rubbish. So sounds like you’re on the right path, and NC doesn’t need to be forever, but is sometimes necessary to allow us to heal. Also I would keep going with the Therapists and interview a few on the phone. My first Therapist had never heard of PD and kept refereeing to divorse examples ! You’ll find one.

On your point about societies acceptance of you going NC, build relationship outside the influence of your BPD. They’ll see it from your side. Avoid isolation if you can. You’ve always got this website, 24/7. I would be intrestd to know why you think you are feeling guilt ?

[mommies dearest]

Thank you HappyChappy for your response.  It is always comforting to know that we are not alone in this.

The therapist issue is a difficult one.  We live in a fairly rural area and there are not a lot of counselors to choose from.  Those that are rumored to be "good" usually have quite the waiting list.  I like the suggestion of calling first... .hopefully someone will take the time to actually converse with me that way before booking an appt and wasting everyone's time.

I actually Do have quite a bit of support from husband and friends.  (Don't have much other family to speak of, as grandparents are dead and my mother alienated us from the rest of the family years ago).  I think with society in general/acquaintances-- I hear things like-- ":)oes your mom live close by?" and if I answer yes then the "Oh it must be great having her be so close".  So I make the choice to go along with that (the thought kind of turns my stomach, feels dishonest), or I try to generalize "oh we aren't that close" only to receive invalidating/ shameful messages from said acquaintance. I know I shouldn't worry about what other people think of me, that my reality is just that--MY reality.  But for me, it is much easier thought/said than done.

As far as the guilt goes-- I know it is all part of the FOG. At least the logical, unemotional side of my brain knows that.  We have never spent the holidays without her.  On one hand, I find it so relaxing and refreshing to know that we will not have drama for the holidays.  On the other-- I feel so bad that she will be all alone on Xmas, with no one to spend the day with.  And I know that she will especially "miss" seeing my children.  I am going to try and focus on the good parts of having her absent instead of ruminating on why I should feel bad about not including her in our plans. 

Ugh,  nothing about this is easy.  Thank you for taking the time to listen.  Glad you are here, but sorry you have to be.

[shellbell]

I can identify w/ the difficulty of finding a good therapist as well as the difficulty of being in awkward situations and having to tell others about my lack of closeness w/ my mom.

I finally cut ties w/ a long term therapist a couple years ago for a number of reasons, but the primary reason was that he refused to acknowledge that my mother was a significant cause of his diagnosis of PTSD for me. He was intent on believing that my father's suicide was the single cause of my trauma no matter how much I explained my mother's emotional and verbal abuse ad nausea. It can be difficult to find a good therapist, but I eventually found one that acknowledge and validated my experiences w/ my mother. I think the suggestion to call first and feel it out is a great idea and many good therapists should be willing to accommodate this.

From my experience, having to tell people, no matter what stage you're at w/ your pwBPD, that you are LC/NC is difficult. I have found that the more casual and honest I am about it, the less pressure it takes off the other person to have to respond in a way they weren't expecting to have to. To take from your example, if someone asks;

Person: ":)oes your mother live close by?" (Mine does not)

Me: "No, she lives in Florida."

Person: "Oh do you get to see her though?"

Me: "Nah, she's very mentally ill, I choose not to speak with her."

Person: "Oh... .Uhh"

Me: "It's ok, it's much better that way. Anyways, how was your day?" (Or something else to change the subject).

This may not work for everyone, but I find that this squashes it and it never comes up again. Sometimes if it's someone I don't feel should know that my mother is ill, I just kinda give a facial expression and shake my head that suggests it's not something I wish to speak about.

Hope that helps.

[HappyChappy]

It is always comforting to know that we are not alone in this.

You're definatly not alone on this, over 75,000 have joined this website.

The therapist issue is a difficult one.  We live in a fairly rural area and there are not a lot of counselors to choose from.  

Quiet a lot of therapists offer phone counselling or Skype, these days. I went that route because I’m also rural and the local ones didn’t know about BPD/NPD. “I’m rural” sounds like an illness in itself.  

I hear things like-- ":)oes your mom live close by?" and if I answer yes then the "Oh it must be great having her be so close".  So I make the choice to go along with that (the thought kind of turns my stomach, feels dishonest)

I got the “Does you mom live close” guilt, but this went after I’d had time to heal. My Therapist pointed out, she didn’t act like a mother, so why should she benefit from “honour thei mother” (something my BPD chanted daily). When I explained to my close friends why I had C-PTSD they both said “You need to get away from your mom, why are you still seeing her”. Truth is, if people knew what you went through, they would total understand. So feel no guilt about your white lies. You could also change the topic with "Have you see the movie Mommie Dearest ?"

You’re going to be fine, because you do seem clued up about this all. You just need the resolve and the time to do what’s right for yourself. To give yourself time and space to heal. We can’t help others (including BPD moms) until we’ve sorted ourselves out first.  I've been NC for a number of Christmases, and the first one was the only difficult one.