Rejection sensitivity

[unicorn2014]

I am still thinking about something my partner said to me a few days ago about turning off my facebook wall. Its bothering me.

I decided to turn off my Facebook timeline because I got sick of my partner posting I love you on my timeline. I still allow him to post on my page, but he told me I sent him a message that he's not welcome. He's refusing to interact with me publicly on Facebook now, so he's ignoring my statuses and my posts.

Since cutting down my interaction with him I've been able to think more clearly about the relationship.

I'm not willing to make special exceptions for him anymore. I expect him to treat me like everyone else, with kindness, fairness, and support. Withdrawing his support publicly from me on Facebook because I refuse to allow him to post on my timeline is not acceptable to me. Nobody can post on my timeline now, its not like I targeted him. However he is the only one who has been posting on my timeline for months, apparently he's been watching.

I wonder if there's some way I can validate what he's feeling at the same time expressing to him my frustration at his behavior. I don't feel like I should have to validate what he's feeling because being able to post on my timeline is a privilege, not a right. Generally those conversations tend to backfire and since he said he refuses to interact with me on Facebook because I made him feel not welcome by turning off my timeline I'm not sure that talking to him about it would make a difference.

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Modified to add that he has no problem using Facebook messenger to contact me. I'm thinking that I'm going to tell him that since he's not willing to interact with me publicly on Facebook that I'm not comfortable interacting with him privately on Facebook messenger. Otherwise I would just ignore his messenger posts without telling him why.

For those who are not familiar with my story it is a LDR so Facebook does matter, especially since I have members of my parish and family and artistic and recovery community on my profile so by him refusing to interact with me publicly because I turned off my timeline, he's actually making a statement.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[thefixermom]

I agree he is making a statement.  I believe that statement is that he took your actions personally and felt hurt by them. It's a bit of a power play.  You don't want his "I love you's" plastered all over your fb page and he doesn't want to have his access removed.  What reason did you give him for turning off your facebook wall?  Could it be that some part of him senses it was to target him (since it was)?  If so, then I can understand why he's withdrawn.But I give him credit for not cutting off all contact with you and still maintaining messenger contact in spite of his hurt feelings.  If I were you, I would not escalate by making demands that he post comments to your status, etc.  Because he might already feel controlled by your blocking his timeline postings and demands tend to make us recoil even further.  I would continue being pleasant and chatting via messenger and stay lovingly detached from any emotional reaction.  I would post on his wall and give him a chance to get over things. Sooner or later (sometimes later) people come around.   I had a falling out last year where my best friend (with bipolar) suddenly unfriended me on fb. I felt it was uncalled for but I cared about maintaining the friendship so I responded to her messenger chats like nothing had happened.  I rode it out and  eventually she sent me a friend request and now we post back and forth like we used to.   I understand the sensitivity to how the outside world is viewing all this.  Yes, some of them might be wondering.  But often enough, they are also dealing with their own problems.  And if you continue to put a positive face forward, I doubt they will be projecting drama onto you.

[unicorn2014]

Thefixermom, I was hoping I wasn't going to have to go into my story but I see I'm going to have to.

I'm patiently waiting for my partner to file for divorce.

Its been three years.

The reason I didn't want him posting I love you, and baby, and sugar boo, and sunflower, and all his other pet names for me on my timeline is that recently I started telling the truth to our mutual friends.

Also all I did is restrict posting on my timeline to me.

I also neglected to say in my original post that he turned off his timeline in retaliation as I knew he would.

I don't need him to like my statuses or my pictures. His refusal to interact with me on my status or my shares is actually driving me farther away from him.

He also hasn't been posting on Facebook either.

He bases his social interaction on our relationship and when I'm not behaving as he would like me to be  then he withdraws socially and publicly. He actually has two accounts, the one he had before he met me that he said is for his music, and the one he created after he met me. I see he is liking things through his old account, but that is all. Its very manipulative, in my opinion.

[thefixermom]

Thank you for taking the time to post some history.  It helps because with this being a staying board I assumed you were trying to maintain the relationship through difficult waters.  But now I see what seems to be many conflicting thoughts and feelings on both sides.   I'm still not clear what you are hoping for in the long run.

[unicorn2014]

The fixer mom, there is no conflict on his side, it's on mine.

I did solve the timeline issue. Thank you for interacting with me.

I posted a second time today on therapeutic separation.

[thefixermom]

Thank you. I'm sorry for responding without knowing more. I'll check out your other post.

[unicorn2014]

It's ok it's my fault for assuming people knew my story.

I guess I was trying to work up the courage to talk to my pwBPD about therapeutic separation and he rejected the idea as I knew he would. I was able to tell him that I turned off my timeline until he got a divorce and he was ok with that. He said he would start interacting with me. He said he wouldn't be able to file by the end of the year and I've been waiting since June.

That is why I'm going to meet with my priest tomorrow, this is too much for me to try to figure out on my own.