Is it safe to detach from a borderline sister

[satch]

I don't even know where to begin. My older sister has been draining me financially and emotionally for years. True, I allowed it because of the guilt. She tells me she is the ugly one, the one without a husband, she is so lonely, etc. My voice mail is filled with messages of her complaining and crying several times a days. If I don't pick up the phone she sends me emails about how I must hate her and she doesn't blame me if I do. My  She is living in a house share situation and said she is miserable. I offered her money to move and to pay her rent, and she refuses because then she need money for her cosmetic dental work, on and on.  I offered to pay for her because I don't know any other way for her to leave me alone. I have a husband, children and a mother to take care of. She doesn't care. I feel sorry for her and I don't know what to do.

[Andrea_]

I STRONGLY encourage you to take care of yourself and cut off your sister!

Giving her your money out of pity and hopes she will go away, is only ensuring that she will ALWAYS keep coming around.

Ending the cycle is the only way to make her "go away". And even then, she won't fully go away. She will throw a tantrum and write you more desperate emails and leave you more desperate voicemails.

She may say "I don't blame you if you hate me", causing you to feel like you need to show you care and make her feel better. But look at this... .all you have ever done is try to show her you care! So even if you make that clear, she still doesn't hear it. She still doesn't believe it. You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

My older sister also has BPD and I cut her off in March. Has it been easy? No. There have been some really hard times. But honestly, it's been way better than how I was doing things before with regular contact. WAAAAAY better. And when the hard times come, they are still better to deal with knowing that I am coming from a place of healthiness and self care, rather than a place of guilt and giving into the unhealthy cycle of trying, and failing, to make a BPD sufferer happy.

When I ended contact, I blocked her from calling or texting me. She could still leave voicemails however, but I stayed strong and immediately pressed the "skip" and "delete" button. She hasn't left me a voicemail since July. In terms of email, I went into my settings and blocked her email addresses also. Of course she made new accounts and still tried to email me, but I blocked those too. I haven't had an email since August. She still has tried ways of getting in contact and breaking down boundaries outside of phone and email, but they are less and less as time goes by. When you stick to your guns and remember that giving into the attempts is hurting you AND her, it's easy to ignore. I can't promise you that detaching is easy and erases the problems. That's not true. But is FAR better overall, and healthy, for both of you.

[Andrea_]

Oh and if you offer to help with her rent and she refuses because she wants cosmetic things done instead... .that there alone is your proof that she doesn't really need your financial help anyway. Giving her money is just enabling. Enabling is not helping. There is a difference!

[SoSoSoTired]

You are enabling her BPD by receiving her manipulative calls and texts.

Tell her that you understand that she is miserable.

Tell her to find a BPD therapist and a psychiatrist. Cosmetic dental work, a new apartment, and a husband won't her cure misery caused by BPD.

When she calls again, insist that you want her to get permanently better.  Tell her you will only discussing what the therapist/psychiatrist taught her during their last session.  If she can't remember anything from her last session, tell her to call back next week  :)on't rehash her sad memories that she brought up in therapy. Only discuss and reinforce the useful ideas the therapist taught her.  If  she won't get into therapy, then you can't listen to her moan and cry because it reinforces the irritating behavior.

[satch]

It is about 4 1/2 years since I last posted. Nothing has changed with my older sister. She is 67 now. My mother passed away last year and my sister didn't come to her funeral. She said she had no way of getting to the funeral because she doesn't drive and/or didn't have money. 6 months ago I developed a heart condition and was in ICU for 5 days. Somehow my sister made it about herself and how she needs to take care of me. The thought of it makes me, my husband and two grown sons ill. Tonight I feel like I am about to vomit over all the continued stress. I can't seem to beat that guilt emotion. Her words are venomous and trigger ugly guilt and pity.  She would tell me all the good things I have in my life and she has nothing. My sister doesn't like to be alone and has gone through several house-share living situations. Usually combined as a relationship with a man. Once the boyfriends can't deal with her drama and negativity they ask her to leave. During the past few years one gave my sister 6 months to find a new place and she said it's impossible to find something in her price range. He went out, found her a place and moved her out. This just happened again. Except this time, her boyfriend/room-mate moved out and left her in the house. During these escapades the boyfriends call me, email, text to help them and she does the same. I get stuck in the middle. She told me she gives them money and her debit card.  This guy she financed a SUV for him. Now she is in this house alone. She wants me to put her cell phone on my account, help her pay internet, electric and help her find a place to live. I know what she really wants is to live in my house. I don't have the money to pay all her bills. I feel sick and wrong because she keeps telling me she will be homeless.

[Methuen]

Hi Satch,

I'm agreeing with what others have said here.  

When I hit my bottom with my mom, I had to go NC for a few weeks - like 4, just to stop the constant churning and panic.  After that it was about 4 months of very LC, and since then it's been LC (which for me is about 2-3 X/wk including texts/visits) (as opposed to several times a day, or 4-5 hours a day).  If you are feeling ill, and feel like vomiting, it kind of sounds like you have reached your limit too, and you probably realize you need to start taking care of yourself.

You can't "fix" her or her problems right?  Trying to do that, and "meet her needs" hasn't helped either of you.  Time to take a new tactic, and live your own life, and let her live hers.  She needs to do this to grow.  Think of it this way:  by bailing her out of her problems emotionally and financially you are enabling her to remain dependent on you.  You are both trapped.  Since you are the rational adult in the relationship (it is encumbant upon you to change the enabling, and allow her to find her own way.  This is how she can grow.  Don't explain this to her.  Don't JADE.
 It only makes things worse.  She's trained you to feel guilty.  You don't need to feel that.  It's a process to let go of that guilt.

The more you are there to bail her out of her emotional and financial problems the more she will need you, and abuse you.  It will only continue to escalate and get worse.

So, about setting "boundaries", do you think you could tell her you need a break from other people's problems, so that you can take care of yourself?  Tell her that means no phone calls, no texts, etc for ___ weeks, or until you are well enough to contact her again (on your terms). Make it clear that YOU will contact HER when you are ready.  Then follow through with it.  Like others have said, skip past/delete her phone messages (because she broke your boundary), block her on FB, your phone etc.  so that you are truly NC.  That is your boundary.  You can't expect her to respect it if you break it yourself.  Follow through is really important.
  When she pushes back, tell her you need to go now, and you will contact her when you are feeling better, and hang up.  Then go ahead and scream or have a good cry, or maybe a long long walk?

At the same time, start looking after your own health and focussing on YOU.  Eat healthy, do some physical activity as appropriate, practice good sleep hygiene, look after appointments like hair/physio/massage/chiro/nails...whatever makes you feel better.  Spend time with friends (but not talking about your sister) doing fun things.  Also do things that are fulfilling to you in your spare time.  Yoga?  Karate?  Meditation?  Boxing?  Prayer?  Art?  Sport?  Netflix?  Inotherwords, find your way back to living your own life, and not her drama.  

This IS possible.  It is also possible to let go of the guilt.  It can get better.  

Sounds like a good place to start is with "boundaries".