Need feedback on this strategy to get my sister to allow me to see her children

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Quick backstory, my sister has BPD and I ended all communication with her in March of this year. She has an 8 year old son and a 6 year old daughter, who I have been very close with their whole lives. Almost like a third parent at times. After ending contact, she was fine with letting me see them and using either our parents or her husband to facilitate visits. In June, she got on her husbands phone to try and contact me and did some shady things... .long story... .so I blocked his communication methods too. However she still was fine with allowing visits through our parents until November when she told them that if I want to see the kids, I have to talk to her directly. She still hasn't budged on this.

I am getting very frustrated and sad. I miss my niece and nephew. My parents keep telling me that the kids keep asking to see me. They message me on xbox asking to come over and I get so upset and I don't know what to say. I have obviously thought a lot about just giving in to my sister's demand and opening up communication to her. However I know that this will be a disaster and she can not be trusted to only keep our contact about arranging visits. Especially since this ploy is clearly another one of her attempts to get me to talk to her (there have been many since March). I have thought of something that may or may not be a solution and I'm looking for advice from others familiar with BPD family members.

So, I am thinking that I will invite my sister to counselling so I can talk to her in a neutral environment and in a place where she is less likely to flip out and will stay in her more "reasonable" zone since a stranger is there. I would then provide this idea, along with the backup plans.

Strategy 1: I will open up contact with her to only discuss visits with the kids. If she talks to me about ANYTHING other than the mere logistics of arranging a visit, I will give her one warning. If she does it again after the warning, I will cut off communication again and we will default to using family members to help.

Strategy 2: If we go back to using family, I will also include her husband in this. If she again gains access to his phone to contact me for ANY reason (even if she "says" it's just about the kids), I will block contact to him once again.

Strategy 3: We go back again to just arranging visits through our parents. If she is not willing to do this, I will contact family courts. I have looked up the laws where I live and as an aunt I am able to file for family visitation rights and a court appointed worker to arrange visits.

And of course in the counselling session if she does not agree to ANY of it, then I will default to seeking enforcement through family courts. I am really reluctant to do that because I worry of what drama it may bring to me or the children. I always thought that if there was anything in life she can't be selfish with even with her BPD traits, it's with her children. However I have noticed that as they have gotten older, this is not the case. And she is certainly not putting them first when it comes to this situation. I am heartbroken and I miss them, and if it were just about me and my feelings I may sit here and suffer silently. But knowing that this is hurting them too... .and that they want to see me... .I can't sit back. It makes me sick that she is keeping them from me but I am sure she has somehow twisted things in her mind and sits around saying it's ME that's hurting them... .ugh.

Anyway. I'm trying to be as objective as possible with this approach but I realize that with my hurt and frustration I may not be. So I welcome any honest advice to come up with a strategy that is best for the kids!

Thank you

[Andrea_]

Quick backstory, my sister has BPD and I ended all communication with her in March of this year. She has an 8 year old son and a 6 year old daughter, who I have been very close with their whole lives. Almost like a third parent at times. After ending contact, she was fine with letting me see them and using either our parents or her husband to facilitate visits. In June, she got on her husbands phone to try and contact me and did some shady things... .long story... .so I blocked his communication methods too. However she still was fine with allowing visits through our parents until November when she told them that if I want to see the kids, I have to talk to her directly. She still hasn't budged on this.

I am getting very frustrated and sad. I miss my niece and nephew. My parents keep telling me that the kids keep asking to see me. They message me on xbox asking to come over and I get so upset and I don't know what to say. I have obviously thought a lot about just giving in to my sister's demand and opening up communication to her. However I know that this will be a disaster and she can not be trusted to only keep our contact about arranging visits. Especially since this ploy is clearly another one of her attempts to get me to talk to her (there have been many since March). I have thought of something that may or may not be a solution and I'm looking for advice from others familiar with BPD family members.

So, I am thinking that I will invite my sister to counselling so I can talk to her in a neutral environment and in a place where she is less likely to flip out and will stay in her more "reasonable" zone since a stranger is there. I would then provide this idea, along with the backup plans.

Strategy 1: I will open up contact with her to only discuss visits with the kids. If she talks to me about ANYTHING other than the mere logistics of arranging a visit, I will give her one warning. If she does it again after the warning, I will cut off communication again and we will default to using family members to help.

Strategy 2: If we go back to using family, I will also include her husband in this. If she again gains access to his phone to contact me for ANY reason (even if she "says" it's just about the kids), I will block contact to him once again.

Strategy 3: We go back again to just arranging visits through our parents. If she is not willing to do this, I will contact family courts. I have looked up the laws where I live and as an aunt I am able to file for family visitation rights and a court appointed worker to arrange visits.

And of course in the counselling session if she does not agree to ANY of it, then I will default to seeking enforcement through family courts. I am really reluctant to do that because I worry of what drama it may bring to me or the children. I always thought that if there was anything in life she can't be selfish with even with her BPD traits, it's with her children. However I have noticed that as they have gotten older, this is not the case. And she is certainly not putting them first when it comes to this situation. I am heartbroken and I miss them, and if it were just about me and my feelings I may sit here and suffer silently. But knowing that this is hurting them too... .and that they want to see me... .I can't sit back. It makes me sick that she is keeping them from me but I am sure she has somehow twisted things in her mind and sits around saying it's ME that's hurting them... .ugh.

Anyway. I'm trying to be as objective as possible with this approach but I realize that with my hurt and frustration I may not be. So I welcome any honest advice to come up with a strategy that is best for the kids!

Thank you

[Kwamina]

Hi Andrea_

I understand that you miss your niece and nephew. You've always been very close with them so it's not easy not being able to see them.

How would you describe the relationship your sister has with her children? How does she treat them?

No matter how difficult your sister might be, at the end of the day they are still her children. If you want to see your niece and nephew, my advice would be to try and find a solution by engaging your sister directly and/or her husband directly. We have resources on this site about communication techniques that might help you talk to your sister in a way that reduces the likelihood of (further) conflict and drama, while maximizing the likelihood of you being able to speak your truth and getting through to her. These techniques can also help you stay more calm yourself. I've selected some for you:

Communication Skills - Validation

Ending The Cycle of Conflict

Express yourself: Support, Empathy, Truth (S.E.T.)

The S.E.T. technique was developed specifically for interactions with someone who has BPD.

Has your sister perhaps ever expressed that she feels there might be something wrong with her behavior? Has she ever expressed being open to counseling or therapy?

[Andrea_]

Woow. My sister JUST left me a voicemail. It's the first one she's left me in five months.

It said "Hi Andrea, it's your sister. My kids would like to give you a birthday present and see you on your birthday (my birthday is this Tuesday). If this is something you would like to do, then please contact ME to arrange it. Have a GREAT day."

The parts in all capitals are to emphasize that she was almost using a taunting tone while saying it.

I don't know what game she's trying to play... .Yes I want to see them on my birthday. I've been dreading the day because I was worried I wouldn't. But I am not sure how to handle this with her. I can't trust that I can talk to her about that without her causing other issues. I can't trust myself to keep MY cool. Ugh this sucks.

[Harri]

Hi Andrea.  

Regarding the strategies you have proposed here, I would not recommend using any of them.  I do not see any good coming from any of your options.  As the kids mother, she has the right to say no to visits if you are not going to arrange things directly with her.  To be honest with you, I would not allow anyone to do that (even if I did have kids).  

I grew up with a uBPD mother who had major fights with both of her sisters and my grandmother.  One aunt I barely saw and never really got to know my cousins even though they lived no more than ten minutes away at the time.  My other aunt lived with my grandmother and my mother refused to speak to my aunt at all and was off and on in terms of communicating with my grandmother.  As a young kid, it was awkward to go visit them, which my mother encouraged but did not attend herself.  My father was the one who had to bring us.  It was tense and caused major anxiety and stress for both my brother and I.  In a way I was forced to choose between my aunt and mother even tho no one actually voiced those words.  Guess who I chose?  One aunt is still living.  She is currently staying in a state run hospital (she is 91), destitute and neither my brother or I have had any contact with her since my grandmother died in 1991.  Every once in a while I feel guilty and think of trying to at least check on her, but then I am hit with reality.  I have no love and no like for her even though when I was very young I was attached to her.  As my brother and I got older, we had to be forced to go visit them.  Nothing good came from it.  All we got was more stress, more anxiety and we ended up resenting the situation and our aunts and grandmother.

What I am saying is, I do not see how you can possibly maintain a good, healthy and comfortable relationship if you put up the kinds of barriers you are suggesting.  In terms of using other family members as a go between, I think it just increases the drama and enables some really bad behaviors on the part of everyone.

As to your second post, I see your sister trying to make contact and giving you an opening to see the kids.  Her saying "... .then please contact ME to arrange it" is exactly what I would say if in the same situation.  She may very well be playing a game, but if you want to see her children, you may have to play a bit.  Given how much you want to see the kids, I think it is worth a try at the very least.  Review the links Kwamina left of S.E.T. and B.I.F.F (also left by Turkish).  Boundaries can help.  Validation and communication techniques can help.  They may take practice but repeated use can lead to improvement over time.

Andrea, my heart goes out to you regarding this situation and I hope it resolves in a way that you still get to interact with the kids.  None of what I said above is meant to be hurtful.  I know my words are direct and probably not what you want to hear at all.  I am sorry for that.  There is a bit of urgency in this situation so please keep posting your thoughts and we can help you try to sort things out before you respond.

Take good care

ACK!  I forgot the most important part!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY in advance!

[Andrea_]

Hi Andrea_

I understand that you miss your niece and nephew. You've always been very close with them so it's not easy not being able to see them.

How would you describe the relationship your sister has with her children? How does she treat them?

No matter how difficult your sister might be, at the end of the day they are still her children. If you want to see your niece and nephew, my advice would be to try and find a solution by engaging your sister directly and/or her husband directly. We have resources on this site about communication techniques that might help you talk to your sister in a way that reduces the likelihood of (further) conflict and drama, while maximizing the likelihood of you being able to speak your truth and getting through to her. These techniques can also help you stay more calm yourself. I've selected some for you:

Communication Skills - Validation

Ending The Cycle of Conflict

Express yourself: Support, Empathy, Truth (S.E.T.)

The S.E.T. technique was developed specifically for interactions with someone who has BPD.

Has your sister perhaps ever expressed that she feels there might be something wrong with her behavior? Has she ever expressed being open to counseling or therapy?

Hi, Thanks for your understanding words and for the links you have shared.

To answer your question, my sister has had an extraordinarily good relationship with her children up until they were each about 4-5 years old. I always found it fascinating that while she had no patience or respect for anybody else in the world, she had endless bounds of each when it came to her children. I have never seen her be so selfless until she had her kids. But she only reserved it for them... .until they got older.

Now that they are school aged, she treats them differently. She makes fun of them for expressing their interests and feelings. She goes so far as to mock them when they cry or express sadness about things. It really disturbs and upsets me. I think maybe she has changed her tune as they have gotten a bit older and are becoming more of their own person.

I understand that they are “her” children, but they are not her property. Like I said before, if this were just about me and my own feelings, I’d sit here and suffer silently. But knowing they are hurting too, makes me motivated to try harder.

Anyway, I see you have provided me links in an effort of helping me with this situation! So I will take a closer look. Thanks so much

Hi Andrea. 

Regarding the strategies you have proposed here, I would not recommend using any of them.  I do not see any good coming from any of your options.  As the kids mother, she has the right to say no to visits if you are not going to arrange things directly with her.  To be honest with you, I would not allow anyone to do that (even if I did have kids). 

I grew up with a uBPD mother who had major fights with both of her sisters and my grandmother.  One aunt I barely saw and never really got to know my cousins even though they lived no more than ten minutes away at the time.  My other aunt lived with my grandmother and my mother refused to speak to my aunt at all and was off and on in terms of communicating with my grandmother.  As a young kid, it was awkward to go visit them, which my mother encouraged but did not attend herself.  My father was the one who had to bring us.  It was tense and caused major anxiety and stress for both my brother and I.  In a way I was forced to choose between my aunt and mother even tho no one actually voiced those words.  Guess who I chose?  One aunt is still living.  She is currently staying in a state run hospital (she is 91), destitute and neither my brother or I have had any contact with her since my grandmother died in 1991.  Every once in a while I feel guilty and think of trying to at least check on her, but then I am hit with reality.  I have no love and no like for her even though when I was very young I was attached to her.  As my brother and I got older, we had to be forced to go visit them.  Nothing good came from it.  All we got was more stress, more anxiety and we ended up resenting the situation and our aunts and grandmother.

What I am saying is, I do not see how you can possibly maintain a good, healthy and comfortable relationship if you put up the kinds of barriers you are suggesting.  In terms of using other family members as a go between, I think it just increases the drama and enables some really bad behaviors on the part of everyone.

As to your second post, I see your sister trying to make contact and giving you an opening to see the kids.  Her saying "... .then please contact ME to arrange it" is exactly what I would say if in the same situation.  She may very well be playing a game, but if you want to see her children, you may have to play a bit.  Given how much you want to see the kids, I think it is worth a try at the very least.  Review the links Kwamina left of S.E.T. and B.I.F.F (also left by Turkish).  Boundaries can help.  Validation and communication techniques can help.  They may take practice but repeated use can lead to improvement over time.

Andrea, my heart goes out to you regarding this situation and I hope it resolves in a way that you still get to interact with the kids.  None of what I said above is meant to be hurtful.  I know my words are direct and probably not what you want to hear at all.  I am sorry for that.  There is a bit of urgency in this situation so please keep posting your thoughts and we can help you try to sort things out before you respond.

Take good care

ACK!  I forgot the most important part!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY in advance!

Hi Harri!

Thank you for the very kind, thorough, and thoughtful response.

I understand that legally, my sister is the parent and (typically) that means she makes the decisions and what she says, goes.

As I mentioned in my original post, the only reason I am considering pursuing this further is that I’ve learned in my local area, there is a Family Law Act which allows for aunts/uncles to file for court ordered visitation rights. The stipulations are that there must a pre-established relationship with the children, and maintaining that relationship must be in the best interests of the child’s well being.

Thank you for sharing what sounds like a very difficult and emotional dynamic with your mother, her sisters, and your grandmother. One thing that I think sounds different based on what you’ve shared, is that your relationship with your aunts seems to have always been defined on obligation and a lack of closeness. Forgive me if I am wrong on interpreting that.

With my niece and nephew, it has never been this way. For almost all of their lives I was very close and accessible. Like I mentioned in my original post, I was almost like a third parent. There were many times I saw them more than their own father did. I can’t count the amount of times they have been scared, hurt, or upset, and ran to me for a hug over their parents who were in the same room. I was there in the hospital when they were born. I fed, changed, cared, nurtured, and loved them as babies. As toddlers and school-aged children they have always been close by. I was at their house multiple times a week during the daytime, 1-2 overnight stays at their home per week, and overnight stays at my own house once a week or every other week.

This also describes how intertwined my sister and I’s relationship was. I was very much in the habit of “giving in” and doing what I could to make her happy so I could still be around the kids and try (and fail) to maintain harmony with her. I realized it wasn’t working and cut off contact, and as previously mentioned, she still allowed the kids and I to see each other until very recently.

Despite all this, I do really resonate with what you said about how you feel you had to choose between your aunt and your mother, even though nobody explicitly said you had to do so. I am so worried that my niece and nephew may feel the same way!

Thank you for your honesty about my suggested approach possibly not being the best way to go about things. Your objective, yet understanding, feedback is what I need to help me re-evaluate and come up with something better.

And thanks for suggesting that I consider being flexible about giving my sister the chance to arrange visits directly between her and I. Even if she may be playing a “game”, I need to be open to compromise. I may need to try.

I will review those links you’ve referenced right away. I appreciate your input so much!

Thanks for the birthday wish too.

[Andrea_]

All these links have just made me more conflicted .

[Andrea_]

I'm back to just feeling frustrated. I feel like those links are just telling me to tolerate the abuse. I am so annoyed that my sister is unwilling to let me arrange visits with family. She's only doing this because she's frustrated and wants control. I do NOT want to talk to her! I'm so upset and angry. I have never been so sad about a birthday before. I wish it wasn't happening.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Andrea_

I'm back to just feeling frustrated. I feel like those links are just telling me to tolerate the abuse. I am so annoyed that my sister is unwilling to let me arrange visits with family. She's only doing this because she's frustrated and wants control. I do NOT want to talk to her! I'm so upset and angry. I have never been so sad about a birthday before. I wish it wasn't happening.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It's tough dealing with a disordered family-member. It would be great if their behavior or thinking would change, but whether that happens or not is something we can't control. What we can (try) to control is our own behavior and how we respond to our disordered family-members. The links are aimed at getting us to focus on the things we can control. By changing our own responses we are able to change the dynamics of our relationships with our BPD family-members, regardless of whether they change or not.

BPD is a disorder and as difficult a BPD family-member's behavior might be to understand, in their own minds it might make perfect sense:

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature. ... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

When we talk about acceptance on this site we are not implying that anyone accepts abuse. What we are trying to say is that to be able to change things, we first need to acknowledge the current reality as it is. We cannot change something if we don't acknowledge it in the first place:

Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time... .~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent

So what gets in the way of radical acceptance? Lots of things do. The most common thing that gets in the way is the belief that if you radically accept that means you're approving, you're going to be passive, you're resigned.

People I've worked with, they almost always so this. They say, 'what are you talking about? Me?  Radically accept?  I thought you were trying to teach me to stand up for myself. How could I do that by radically accepting?'

Other people say, 'Are you kidding?  That's the problem with the world.  We accept to much - the world is going to hell in a hand cart and no-one is doing anything about it.'

If you want to change something, you have to accept it first.  You can't change something you don't accept.  If you don't face the reality as it is, if you deny it how are you going to change it?  If you think there is no cause, it just happened magically or fate or luck, how are you going to change it? -- Marsha Linehan

How does this sound to you? How do you feel about these quotes?

[Andrea_]

Hi again Andrea_

I'm back to just feeling frustrated. I feel like those links are just telling me to tolerate the abuse. I am so annoyed that my sister is unwilling to let me arrange visits with family. She's only doing this because she's frustrated and wants control. I do NOT want to talk to her! I'm so upset and angry. I have never been so sad about a birthday before. I wish it wasn't happening.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It's tough dealing with a disordered family-member. It would be great if their behavior or thinking would change, but whether that happens or not is something we can't control. What we can (try) to control is our own behavior and how we respond to our disordered family-members. The links are aimed at getting us to focus on the things we can control. By changing our own responses we are able to change the dynamics of our relationships with our BPD family-members, regardless of whether they change or not.

BPD is a disorder and as difficult a BPD family-member's behavior might be to understand, in their own minds it might make perfect sense:

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature. ... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

When we talk about acceptance on this site we are not implying that anyone accepts abuse. What we are trying to say is that to be able to change things, we first need to acknowledge the current reality as it is. We cannot change something if we don't acknowledge it in the first place:

Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time... .~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent

So what gets in the way of radical acceptance? Lots of things do. The most common thing that gets in the way is the belief that if you radically accept that means you're approving, you're going to be passive, you're resigned.

People I've worked with, they almost always so this. They say, 'what are you talking about? Me?  Radically accept?  I thought you were trying to teach me to stand up for myself. How could I do that by radically accepting?'

Other people say, 'Are you kidding?  That's the problem with the world.  We accept to much - the world is going to hell in a hand cart and no-one is doing anything about it.'

If you want to change something, you have to accept it first.  You can't change something you don't accept.  If you don't face the reality as it is, if you deny it how are you going to change it?  If you think there is no cause, it just happened magically or fate or luck, how are you going to change it? -- Marsha Linehan

How does this sound to you? How do you feel about these quotes?

Hi. Thanks. The "radical acceptance" thing sounds to me like a perfectly reasonable thing. I know that doesn't mean you approve of everything. That's different. The reason a lot of this advice makes me frustrated is being it all suggests that I need to maintain a relationship and communication with her. I don't WANT a relationship with her. One of the biggest things I've been agonizing about for so many months is how I wish she were just a friend or something that I could be cut off and have her be gone forever. But she's my family so she will still be a factor and mess with my life and I CAN'T STAND IT. Why do I have to suffer and deal with her BS and going out of my comfort zone and caretake her feelings and provide "validation" and work all these techniques to manage HER disorder while she won't do a thing about it. Why? Why? Why do I have to put myself through that enormous effort for someone I don't want anything to do with? Maybe that's the difference. Maybe a lot of people here come here for help with improving their relationship with a family member and keep them in their lives. I don't want this. I don't know if I ever will. I just don't understand why she can't just LEAVE ME ALONE and let me arrange visits with our family. She had no problem with it before! I spent two hours on the phone with a psychologist today who understands BPD to get some advice and while he did push a lot of the same advice and techniques I've read here, he understood that if it's just not something I feel I can handle, then I don't need to. The only problem is that is could come at the expense of me not seeing my niece and nephew. Which is not something I'm prepared to live with. I'm also not prepared to live with a life of communicating with my sister. It's really unfair. I know logically she has a disability and she doesn't want to be this way, then there is another side of me that really struggles with not viallianzing her at times. I mean really, if I don't contact her tomorrow, is she really just going to sit there and watch her kids be sad because she wants to be controlling and retaliating against me? I mean they MADE me their own gifts and really want to give them to me. I don't know how the hell I am going to face tomorrow. I am so devastated. 

[Andrea_]

Okay. I was kind of having a meltdown. This is hard because I've been dreading my birthday so much and just ignoring the issues and now I'm dealing with them last minute. So I'm all emotional and hurt and overwhelmed with little time to gain perspective and come up with something effective.

I was re-reading this thread and this quote stuck out to me in a different way:

If you want to change something, you have to accept it first.  You can't change something you don't accept.  If you don't face the reality as it is, if you deny it how are you going to change it?  If you think there is no cause, it just happened magically or fate or luck, how are you going to change it?

This relates to me in my situation right now because I want to change things... which is to have a "successful" minimal/no-contact relationship with my sister. But I struggle to accept that I am in this situation in the first place. The reality of my situation which is that I have a borderline family member. Like... .I REALIZE that I do, but I don't ACCEPT it. I'm still so hurt and it feels so unfair.

I struggle to accept that if I choose to have no contact, there are challenges and pain I will still have to face. If I choose to have minimal contact and practice techniques to manage that, then that will also bring huge challenges and pain. Just in different ways. I am not at a place of "acceptance" right now but I am at a place of awareness that I can get there if I so choose to make the progress.

I've spent the last 9 months just ignoring my sister and pretending she doesn't exist and being blissfully ignorant. Then she somehow reaches out or does indirect contact and I FREAK out and run and hide again. Repeat the cycle. I can't do that forever. My birthday tomorrow and more family birthdays next month are making me face reality, which I have done a poor job of preparing for until now. So this is a lot of stress and emotion all at once. I can't change how my sister is, but I can change how I deal with it. Because I need to slowly accept that really, I'm always going to have to deal with it. And I hate that fact, a lot. But I guess it's better to accept my reality rather than deny it. I don't know what my plan is but I will keep seeking counselling I think because that helped me a lot. And this forum helps me a lot too. Thank you.

[Trillian]

Dear Andrea,

I don't know enough about what you have been going through with your sister to offer you advice. But I have been in a similar dilemma with my sister and nieces, and perhaps it helps to hear how I have dealt with it.

My sister is not among the "worst" BPDs, compared with some of the stories I have read in here. But the tantrums, control issues, put-downs etc. are all there. If it had not been for my nieces and my mother, I would have cut off contact with her long ago.

When my sister's husband left her, their daughters stayed with her, they were 8 and 10 at the time. My number one priority then was to make sure I remained present in their lives, as a responsible, reliable adult that they could turn to if needed. It was difficult the first few years, as my sister always claimed they were too busy with other things they rather wanted to do than see me, when I suggested taking them to the movies etc. But I did not give up, and did get to see them now and then for movies, birthdays etc.     

The turning point came when they got their own mobile phones so I could communicate with them directly. I still had to talk with my sister to arrange things for a while, but at least I could check with the girls first, which helped. I had them over at my house as sleep-over babysitters for my own kids as soon as they were old enough. When they were 14-15 I had a long talk with them after we had all witnessed a major tantrum by their mother, telling them that none of this was their fault, and that they could always come to me for help. I wish I could have done more for them growing up, but my sister's abuse of them was "only" psychological and not bad enough to justify reporting her to child services, so my hands were tied. It was frustrating.

I am glad to say the girls are doing well, and they have told me how important it has been for them to have a "normal" aunt and a "normal" house to visit. Growing up with a BPD mother is harsh, as the stories on this board so clearly show. No matter how hard it has been at times, I have always felt that it was necessary to put my own feelings towards my sister aside in order to remain in my nieces' lives and be a positive presence for them.

This has not come without a cost. I write this two days before Christmas, which will be at our house this year. My sister is invited, and the amount of energy I waste worrying over which things she might find to pick on this time is just ridiculous. One day I will probably go no contact with her, but that day is not here yet.

I do hope you find a way to deal with this that can safeguard both your own needs and those of your niece and nephew. Getting counseling sounds like a good idea. All the best of luck to you, Andrea!

[Kwamina]

Hi again Andrea_

But I struggle to accept that I am in this situation in the first place. The reality of my situation which is that I have a borderline family member. Like... .I REALIZE that I do, but I don't ACCEPT it. I'm still so hurt and it feels so unfair.

... .

I am not at a place of "acceptance" right now but I am at a place of awareness that I can get there if I so choose to make the progress.

... .

I can't change how my sister is, but I can change how I deal with it. Because I need to slowly accept that really, I'm always going to have to deal with it. And I hate that fact, a lot. But I guess it's better to accept my reality rather than deny it.

Acceptance is hard. Getting to a place of acceptance is hard. Fortunately there are tools and resources that can also help with acceptance. I've selected an excerpt from our article about reality acceptance skills:

Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event.  You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive.  It's a negative that just won't become a positive.  And you're miserable.

When that happens, practice reality acceptance.

So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason.  You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason.

And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it.  You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life.

In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over.  When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection.

And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life.

These are the skills of reality acceptance.  It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard.  It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.

The willfulness, notice it.  You could start by counting it. Slowly try to replace it.

Radical acceptance, notice when you are not accepting. You could start with counting it.  Slowly try to replace it.

Turning the mind, write yourself a note. Put it somewhere in your house.  Put it on the refrigerator. All you have to write is 'Turn the Mind'.  Put it up.  Try to practice it. Practice it every time you open the refrigerator.

If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier.

Alright, so those are the skills.

Radical acceptance - remember the word radical - complete, total, all the way.

Turning the mind over and over and over and over.

And willingness - entering life with willingness.

Now, I know that these are really difficult skills.  They, they've been difficult for me.  They are difficult for everybody I know.  And the facts of the matter are, every single person  I know is practicing these skills.

But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute.  These skills take time to work.  But, if you keep at it, I think they will work.

You can read the entire article here:

From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

You are struggling with a lot of intense emotions right now. I am glad you feel like this forum helps you a lot and I hope this material about reality acceptance will be of some help too. In spite of everything, I hope that you'll be able to enjoy your birthday tomorrow

[Andrea_]

Dear Andrea,

I don't know enough about what you have been going through with your sister to offer you advice. But I have been in a similar dilemma with my sister and nieces, and perhaps it helps to hear how I have dealt with it.

My sister is not among the "worst" BPDs, compared with some of the stories I have read in here. But the tantrums, control issues, put-downs etc. are all there. If it had not been for my nieces and my mother, I would have cut off contact with her long ago.

When my sister's husband left her, their daughters stayed with her, they were 8 and 10 at the time. My number one priority then was to make sure I remained present in their lives, as a responsible, reliable adult that they could turn to if needed. It was difficult the first few years, as my sister always claimed they were too busy with other things they rather wanted to do than see me, when I suggested taking them to the movies etc. But I did not give up, and did get to see them now and then for movies, birthdays etc.      

The turning point came when they got their own mobile phones so I could communicate with them directly. I still had to talk with my sister to arrange things for a while, but at least I could check with the girls first, which helped. I had them over at my house as sleep-over babysitters for my own kids as soon as they were old enough. When they were 14-15 I had a long talk with them after we had all witnessed a major tantrum by their mother, telling them that none of this was their fault, and that they could always come to me for help. I wish I could have done more for them growing up, but my sister's abuse of them was "only" psychological and not bad enough to justify reporting her to child services, so my hands were tied. It was frustrating.

I am glad to say the girls are doing well, and they have told me how important it has been for them to have a "normal" aunt and a "normal" house to visit. Growing up with a BPD mother is harsh, as the stories on this board so clearly show. No matter how hard it has been at times, I have always felt that it was necessary to put my own feelings towards my sister aside in order to remain in my nieces' lives and be a positive presence for them.

This has not come without a cost. I write this two days before Christmas, which will be at our house this year. My sister is invited, and the amount of energy I waste worrying over which things she might find to pick on this time is just ridiculous. One day I will probably go no contact with her, but that day is not here yet.

I do hope you find a way to deal with this that can safeguard both your own needs and those of your niece and nephew. Getting counseling sounds like a good idea. All the best of luck to you, Andrea!

THANK YOU for sharing your experience with me. It is incredibly comforting and relatable.

I also feel really concerned about my niece and nephew's well-being given what they face with their BPD mother. You said it perfectly with "My number one priority was to make sure I remained present in their lives, as a responsible, reliable adult that they could turn to if needed." EXACTLY! I will always be a safe haven for them to turn to. I've also had thoughts about contacting child services in terms of my sister but yeah it seems that so long as a parent still keeps food in the cupboard and buys them clothes, they're free to inflict psychological trauma. I still expect that one day I will need to take them care of them either short term or long term because of their mother's behavior. It's happened once already, though very briefly. But my sister seems to show more and more of her BPD characteristics to them as they get older. I fear for their teenage years and how she may be towards them.

Your experience has also given me a LOT of hope for the future. I can't count how many times I've fantasized about the day the day the kids will have their own cell phones. Right now they just message me over Xbox . They're on it every day but I only get on it once or twice a week to watch Netflix. So it's not really a direct or immediate source of contact. But I see their missed messages asking to see me and I just feel guilty because of how things have been the past, gosh, almost two months now. It's been such a struggle trying to figure out the best course of action to balance our wishes to spend time with each other, but my unwillingness/unpreparedness to oblige with my sisters new request of only talking to her about arranging visits.

When you said you put your feelings about your sister aside to be there for your nieces, that really resonated with me. I think this part of your post gives me the most comfort/hope of all along with "I am glad to say the girls are doing well, and they have told me how important it has been for them to have a "normal" aunt and a "normal" house to visit." This is a testament to me of the importance of putting the kids first. I have been so stressed about how to handle the current issues I'm facing with my sister. But I think if I start to look at things from not only my dynamic between my sister and I, but by what's best for my niece and nephew too, that will help me make healthier decisions about this all going forward.

As much as I wish I could blissfully never hear from my sister again while still maintaining a relationship with my niece and nephew, I can see now that is unrealistic. It hasn't helped any of us to have me hold on to that dream. Time to make a better plan.

Thank you again. I can't explain how comforting and helpful your reply has been! I've actually read it three times now since you posted it . Sorry for the late reply.

Hi again Andrea_

But I struggle to accept that I am in this situation in the first place. The reality of my situation which is that I have a borderline family member. Like... .I REALIZE that I do, but I don't ACCEPT it. I'm still so hurt and it feels so unfair.

... .

I am not at a place of "acceptance" right now but I am at a place of awareness that I can get there if I so choose to make the progress.

... .

I can't change how my sister is, but I can change how I deal with it. Because I need to slowly accept that really, I'm always going to have to deal with it. And I hate that fact, a lot. But I guess it's better to accept my reality rather than deny it.

Acceptance is hard. Getting to a place of acceptance is hard. Fortunately there are tools and resources that can also help with acceptance. I've selected an excerpt from our article about reality acceptance skills:

You can read the entire article here:

From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

You are struggling with a lot of intense emotions right now. I am glad you feel like this forum helps you a lot and I hope this material about reality acceptance will be of some help too. In spite of everything, I hope that you'll be able to enjoy your birthday tomorrow

Kwamina,

Thank you for the incredible amount of support, empathy, patience, and resources that you have provided me with over the last several days. It's definitely been an emotional roller coaster but your support has been a steady stream! I have been re-reading all the links you've provided and it's just so funny to me how each day I interpret them so differently. Again, a sign of the roller coaster I'm riding with the onslaught of emotions I am facing after unsuccessfully trying to push them all to the side until the last minute.

I know things will level out for me and they already have been improving... .I'll continue to go over all the advice you've given and I think your help about acceptance in particular has been very eye opening for me.