Time will heal, but not fix me

[homefree]

I had originally thought that if I could just get away from being around her for long enough, my feelings would fade and I could perhaps be friends with her.

It's starting to dawn on me that If I get a clearer picture of who she is and what our relationship really was, I would not want to be friends because there is no trust there. We could be friendly, but not good friends in any meaningful way.

But it's also starting to dawn on me that the joy I felt being around her was vastly out of proportion to the reality of the relationship we had.

In much the same way, the pain I'm suffering through is vastly out of proportion to the relationship I just left, especially if I view only the last 3 months of the relationship.

There is something else at work here, amplifying to enormous proportions the joy and pain people in healthy relationships appear to experience.

I feel that even if I'm able to heal my pain, given enough time, the next relationship I have will simply encounter the same enormity of emotions.

I can think back to all the women I wanted (usually unrequited), and the ones I had a relationship with.

Every single one of them, even from my first crush in 3rd grade, felt like a perfect magical being that had beeen sent by the universe to be my soul mate. I was destined to be with them and it was so obvious that we had to be together, like we were two pieces of some ancient artifact that found their way back to each other, and our broken edges fit together perfectly. To not be with each other would be absurd.

Every. Single. One.

And they were all types, with all very different characteristics. But somehow they were all perfect matches for me. There is something else at work here.

That is simply my idea of love right now. It's the way I've thought of it my entire life.

That amazing feeling. The feeling of finally being complete. Ecstasy. Value. Excitement. Magic. Being alive again.

I'm learning that this intensity is driven by fantasy. Everything is perfect, and all my hopes and dreams are going to come true.

But reality will set in. Fantasy can not be sustained. And I will keep trying to chase that fantasy high, getting more and more desperate.

I will start to bargain, manipulate and control. I will start to lose any sense of who I am because who I am doesn't matter any more. Only she can give me that rush again.

In the glare of that perfect joy early on, everything else seems dull and worthless in comparison.

Time away from the glare of that perfect joy will bring light back to the other things. Life will return to it's previous levels, but I know that I'm just living between the times I will feel alive again. When I find that new perfect match.

So time will heal me, but I will not be fixed. The pattern will just continue. Forever. I will feel amazing joy again. And I will feel hopeless heart-wrenching despair.

The question is, do I want that? Does giving up the awful depths of pain mean giving up the soaring happiness?

If I fix myself, will real love feel dull to me? Do I want to ride this roller coaster because it makes me feel alive, even when I'm swallowed by it's darkness?

I guess it's the question of every addict. Is a healthy life really worth living? Will I actually be happier living a life where the highs never get this high again, even if the lows never get this low again? It's a question that I'm having difficulty answering. For over 30 years my conscious and subconscious mind has been chasing that high. It was the ultimate goal, I think, of everything I did, to some extent. If I lose that goal, and replace it with one that I don't understand and am not even sure I will want if I get, will I feel lost? Sometimes it feels like madness to walk away from the purest happiness I've ever known when I don't even know what I would be trading it in for.

I'm hurting, and I'm broken. I want to be healed. I honestly don't know if I want to be fixed.

[Kelli Cornett]

I can relate.

I ask my same the same thing many times. After many painful break ups I've realized I don't want that drama though.

Just ends up hurting me in the long run.

It is so painful to be attached and than unattached. ( I know healthy attachment isn't as exciting ) but it is constant.

No more enemies, no more horrible wounds that never heal, no more having to rebuild yourself from being so broken down.


Just something you want and if it doesn't work out the world doesn't end. I really want a break like that.