in a long distance relation of 4 yrs. Woman I love has severe BPD

[Beatdown]

My heart is broken.  I love a woman who has severe BPD, is so verbally abusive that it shocks me that I am still here.  It's a long story, and I am just emotionally exhausted.  I am looking for a place of support.  My therapist, who also knows her believes she is dangerous.  At her worst she just might be.  My therapist wants me to go no contact and never look back, but I have loved this woman deeply and planned a future with her.

She is extremely verbally abusive.  She has put me on a pedestal to smash it out from under me a thousand times.  I have always said, please don't tell me how wonderful I am, because the fall from grace is just too painful.

I have been accused of cheating almost daily (I have always been faithful to her, ALWAYS, never even entertained the thought of cheating, because she was always the one I wanted.), she is jealous of any time I spend with  my young children, she picks these horrible fights and when I refuse to engage she is verbally abusive attacking me personally.  I could go on for hours, but I don't have it in me.

I have read Sherri Schreibers stuff, and while some resonates with me, she seems a little crazy herself (sorry if this is inappropriate to say here).  I have read Dr. Tara Palmatiers blogs.  It seems she describes my person exactly, but I have some reservations about the feminist talk.  I don't know that I understand what is being said, like I am hearing things out of context.  I know my ex is a very strong woman, who would identify as a feminist.  She is far from personality disordered, and does not hate men.  She is an incredible woman, we just didn't do marriage together well.

  However, listening to Dr. Tara makes the hair stand up on my neck because the ways she speaks about BPD women is almost like she knows my person intimately.

I am lost.  I don't know where to go, what to do.  How to go forward.  I do believe that I am now co-dependent in this relationship, but I have never been in such an unhealthy relationship before.  This is not a pattern for me.  I had already fallen deeply in love when I realized something was very wrong.

Thank you for listening.

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[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi Beatdown, welcome! Your story sounds very difficult. It is very hard to endure this kind of behavior from anyone, much less someone who has a significant presence in your life. You've listed a large number of things that your partner has done that, quite frankly, are inexcusable in a committed relationship. I encourage you to go through the lessons (links in the box at right), it will help you to understand and cope with what you are going through.

Please also feel free to share more of your story and feelings here. There are many people who have gone through very similar incidents as yours and understand the pain and confusion that it causes. We're here to support and provide help you in what probably seems like an overwhelming situation.

[tryingtohelp]

Hi Beatdown

I have been in a long distance relationship with a woman who is a diagnosed BPD and has all the textbook characteristics ,  I have known her for 8 years now, and am still very attached to her despite some of the apalling behaviour she has put me through. Multiple 'infidelities' are common as is the abusive language and behaviour and so on and so on .  you could consider finding someone else and freeing yourself from the grief but if you choose to stay the long haul with this woman you need to be prepared for a lot more of what you have already had, it never ends.   Having said that, outside of the textbook characteristics, they still have their own personality and individuality. 

You need to think of yourself first, you need to be able to be more independent of her so you can function normally in a healthy way and not to let her antics get you down, or else she will drag you down with her illness.  She will not suddenly 'get better'  I think a lot of people wait it out hoping the BPD will somehow come right and it will all be ok in the end, well it won't.

Don't pressure her , don't chase after her and she may seek you out more.  Set some real 'boundaries'  Don't put up with her abusive language. If she treats you badly, pull away, do not react to it , and let her know her behaviour is not acceptable.

It is essential that you find some other pleasure and meaning in your life apart from this woman ,  because she will do you some real damage if you let her.  'No Contact' might be a good idea for now,  just get on with taking care of yourself, and let her reach out to you , then you can respond if you choose to, with some careful boundary setting.

I have had a more stable and peaceful relationship with my d.BPD lady for a couple of years now and it seems to be slowly improving , I don't chase her , I certainly do not put up with any abusive behaviour  ( this has not happened for a long time now) , I am there for her when she comes to stay and wants to talk about all he troubles  ( and these are many)  She is beautiful and has a magic other people don't seem to have, and I know how hard it is to be in love with a woman with BPD .  I also know that she has not changed, it is me that has had to change the way I relate to her, I will NOT put up with any more of her bad behaviour. 

Try and meet some new people , re-establish old friendships , as often, the BPD can isolate you , this is also bad and happens without you realising it.

Good luck