In flight/fight mode as marked parcel return to sender

[happykiwi]

Hi, went no contact with Mother in April this year.  In June she sent a parcel for my son's birthday and I returned it to her unopened.  She was also blocked from my phone.  How fabulous is it knowing that you will never see the name Mum and their horrid number come up on your screen and all the associated (negative) emotions that come with that vision.

Anyway she never sent anything for daughter's birthday in July.  Cool.

Yesterday I went to get the post and as I approached the mailbox I just felt such dread as I knew there was something from her.  I opened the lid and peered inside ... .to nothing!  Phew.

Today the doorbell rings.  There is the postie with a registered post parcel that I needed to sign for.  No probs.  Then I saw the writing.  It was from my Mum.  Blurk!  I said to the postie that I wont accept this and can she return to sender.  The postie looked at me a little bit oddly but said "no problem".

I'm sitting here with full on adrenaline coursing through me.  Now the message can not be ignored.  She will now understand I wont have her and her toxicity in my life. If you had told me this time last year that I would have the courage and determination to remove such a horrible presence in my life I would not have believed you.  Since removing her from life only wonderful things and wonderful people have come into my life.  It's like her drama was holding me back.

I presume there may be some drama in the new year when she receives the gift back but my new mantra "not my circus, not my monkey's" 

[Kwamina]

Hi happykiwi

It is sad when one's own mother, someone you would generally think is there to protect you, actually turns out to be the person that hurts you the most. I am sorry your mother caused you so much pain.

Going NC or not is a highly personal decision. To protect yourself and allow yourself space to heal, it can sometimes be necessary to distance yourself from a BPD family-member.

I am glad that you feel good things and people have come into your life. When you look back at these last 8 months, do you feel you've been able to do some healing?

In the right-hand side margin of this message board, we have the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse. When you look at this guide, where do you feel you are now?

[happykiwi]

Hi Kwamina, I have definitely healed and moved on.  This site helped me immensely.  I went through the five stages of grieving and I recognised every one of them.  I have chosen not to be angry with my Mother as she is broken and I realised this when I understood her upbringing with an alcoholic father and very cold and distant Mother.  I now see clearly how she manipulated me by telling lies about my brother and Father and managed to successfully separate me from them with horrible lies.  The really fabulous thing is I'm back with Dad who was always just waiting for me to realise all the untruths.

It resonates with me that this particular person can not be in my life as they will always attempt to damage me.  I feel calm now and look forward with joy and happiness

[Kwamina]

When you are a child and constantly living within a distorted version of reality projected from your own BPD mother's mind, it can be very hard to determine what is true and what isn't. Constantly being bombarded with certain messages basically indoctrinates a child.

How is your relationship with your brother now?

Great that you've been able to re-connect with your dad!

[maddnessreturns]

I've been NC with both my parents (mom is the BPD but dad enables) anyways almost two months. You are so strong to be able to sent the post back and not accept it. It's so easy to give in and hope something has changed when in reality at least for me it won't. I just wanted to say how I'm glad you are able to begin healing and working on things without the toxicity.