Any advice please?

[Depression = 72% of members]

 I am 23 years old and a recent pre-med college graduate. After returning home, I never imagined how bad my mothers' illness would be. Although, she is not clinically diagnosed as she refuses any sort of help, it is my belief that she has BPD. My father and her separated many years ago, and he is, again my opinion, NPD. I now see him once a month for dinner, and for me, I find that is best. After he moved out, I was able to create boundaries and I now have very limited expectations of my father.

However, I live with my mother. She is disabled after spinal surgery but refuses any treatment or conservative therapy.  She is diabetic and only eats junk food then complains all night about how she doesn't feel good. I take the brunt of everything. Her reactions are so out of proportion. She expects me to be basically be her care taker. There is no conception of "myself." For example, if I am doing something but she wants something done and I try to finish my task  ... .it usually sets her of. I try to help as much as I can, but it is never good enough. She refuses to validate my feelings and consistently compares the situation to those which are worse.

Yesterday, she was "set off" because I had roast beef in the oven. She told me to make something else with dinner, or I had to get the F out. I told her I wasn't hungry, from the previous half an hour argument, and packed a bag. I am at the end of my rope and am tired of being emotionally abused and "walking on eggshells." I think our relationship began to degrade when I was a young teen because I have always refused to cater to her needs without her helping herself.

I just got into graduate school, and she didn't even say congratulations. It's been hard enough to do without a solid support system from either parent.  It's like shes embarrassed of me.

My boyfriends family offered me a place to stay for now. We've been together a year, but his family does not know the extent of my mother's illness. I am attempting to figure out a living situation for graduate school, even though I had hoped I would be able to live home for the next 1.5 years, its unbearable.

Its hard trying to explain to people that it's my mother. She doesn't apologize for ANYTHING. It is NEVER her fault and if I leave, we will never have a relationship because she refuses to help herself. Its the holiday season and I'm sad.

Any advice would be appreciated. I really dont know what to do or how to set boundaries with someone who has no concept.

[lovethebeach]

 I am 23 years old and a recent pre-med college graduate. After returning home, I never imagined how bad my mothers' illness would be. Although, she is not clinically diagnosed as she refuses any sort of help, it is my belief that she has BPD. My father and her separated many years ago, and he is, again my opinion, NPD. I now see him once a month for dinner, and for me, I find that is best. After he moved out, I was able to create boundaries and I now have very limited expectations of my father.

However, I live with my mother. She is disabled after spinal surgery but refuses any treatment or conservative therapy.  She is diabetic and only eats junk food then complains all night about how she doesn't feel good. I take the brunt of everything. Her reactions are so out of proportion. She expects me to be basically be her care taker. There is no conception of "myself." For example, if I am doing something but she wants something done and I try to finish my task  ... .it usually sets her of. I try to help as much as I can, but it is never good enough. She refuses to validate my feelings and consistently compares the situation to those which are worse.

Yesterday, she was "set off" because I had roast beef in the oven. She told me to make something else with dinner, or I had to get the F out. I told her I wasn't hungry, from the previous half an hour argument, and packed a bag. I am at the end of my rope and am tired of being emotionally abused and "walking on eggshells." I think our relationship began to degrade when I was a young teen because I have always refused to cater to her needs without her helping herself.

I just got into graduate school, and she didn't even say congratulations. It's been hard enough to do without a solid support system from either parent.  It's like shes embarrassed of me.

My boyfriends family offered me a place to stay for now. We've been together a year, but his family does not know the extent of my mother's illness. I am attempting to figure out a living situation for graduate school, even though I had hoped I would be able to live home for the next 1.5 years, its unbearable.

Its hard trying to explain to people that it's my mother. She doesn't apologize for ANYTHING. It is NEVER her fault and if I leave, we will never have a relationship because she refuses to help herself. Its the holiday season and I'm sad.

Any advice would be appreciated. I really dont know what to do or how to set boundaries with someone who has no concept.

[Eyeamme]

I just want to say CONGRATS! What a accomplishment. You should be so proud of yourself.

I am pretty new here so I am just learning. Reading the stuff  is really helpful -------->

I do know how difficult dealing with this stuff is. Others will chime in with advice. Take care of YOU.

[shellbell]

First of all, congrats on med school! I can relate in that I went to graduate school myself w/ very little support. My mother too did not congratulate any of my achievements which I believe may contribute to my constant need to overachieve. Either way, she didn't acknowledge the completion of either my b.a. w/ honors, my master's degree, and even my wedding. There is no approval that can be "won" from the BP mom. It will never be good enough. But that's not YOUR fault.

School, especially graduate school can be incredibly tough w/o the additional support. I would have figured it out on my own, but by the time I was finishing my b.a. and starting my msw, I too found solace in a significant other's family. I ended up marrying him and my adopted family is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me. It has been quite the eye opening corrective experience. I say take what is being offered to you, I know for children of BP mothers, they can be fiercely independent overachievers. It has always been difficult for me to accept assistance or admit that I can't do something on my own. This is a pivotal period in your life and you would be doing yourself a huge disservice in not accepting the assistance.

[lovethebeach]

Since I left yesterday, she has not made contact with me. My own mother. I cannot wrap my head around it.

How do I even begin to feel okay?

[shellbell]

Unfortunately, some radical acceptance may be in order. There is little one can understand about the behaviors of a borderline. I spent years torturing myself trying to "wrap my head around" the insanity that is her personality. The first step is realizing that she has probably been very hurt in her life as well, and likely by her own mother. It is often difficult to have empathy for those who appear to have none, but it's a good start. Then realizing that they can't even decipher their own feelings may make you feel more secure about not trying to overload your brain attempting to decode them on your own.

[Moonbeam77]

Shellbell I have found your words of wisdom to be true.  It is not worth the emotional energy to try and figure out why they do what they do.  With BPD there is no logical reason.  Becoming an adult and living on my own is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  This may be a blessing for you. 

[GreenGlit]

Hi lovethebeach,

Welcome to the forum.  I apologize advance for grammatical errors here because I am typing on my phone.

I read your post and really related to it because I too was premed in college and will be graduating from medical school this coming May. It sounds from your description that your mother is very ill, and while my mother was not so bad when I was 23, Since she has recently retired I have noticed that things of gotten a lot worse for her.

I will tell you from personal experience  that mothers with BPD have serious issues with their children becoming independent individuals. At least for me, my mother had an idea in her head, a "picture"  of who I was. This picture was me as a dependent and loyal five-year-old child. She is a physician herself, and while I am just a few months of getting my own M.D., She has a hard time picturing me as an adult.  After I recently got married, I think this was the final straw for her, and she has been unable to except my position in the world as an adult. It has caused a strain in our relationship, not dissimilar to stress that you described in your own home.

I will advise you as someone who is going to medical school myself with an overbearing mother with a serious personality disorder, that medical school is extremely difficult and requires a lot of personal physical, emotional, and time sacrifices. If you love it you should do it, and I  have no doubt I would've never been able to do it living in my mothers home. I would suggest you find your own place where you feel safe and you can find peace in your life, because you will need a lot of time to yourself for studying and for keeping your sanity during difficult moments in school.  Having someone breathing down your neck and creating chaos in your life while you were studying for important exams and memorizing unfathomably large quantities of material will be very difficult if you do not have a stable environment at home.  If you have your own apartment, you can create your boundaries with your mother. That is my advice to you.

It is heartbreaking to hear about your mothers disability, and that she depends on you as a provider. That is an incredible amount of stress that has been unfairly placed upon you.  I hope that you were able to see this is an unhealthy dynamic, that you are not truly responsible for your mothers well-being. She has made her decisions, has refused care that could help her become mobile again, and is now suffering the consequences of her actions. That does not mean that she is your responsibility. This is one of the most difficult things that I came to terms with as my mother became more ill as I progressed to medical school.  Additionally, if you really want to help her in the long run, it would be best if you could finished graduate school and find a good job that could provide for everybody in a better way.

Moreover, I hope you didn't take her attacks on you in a personal way. It's not about you. Your mother suffers a lot emotionally because of her past, and her personality disorder. She is reacting to offenses that she believes to exist and did not. Like you said, you have been loyal and you have tried to care for her as best as you coulld.  Her reactions  are not normal, I hope you will learn to not take them personally, because at the end of the day you know you did your best.

I wish you all the success in the world in your pursuit of medical school. It's a beautiful career and I hope that you can find peace in your home and your heart. In the meantime, we are all here for you.