Should I tell my dad?

[MoreGuilt]

So, apparently I have been in an emotionally incestuous   relationship with my dad that started getting creepier lately making me decide to refuse all phone contact with my dad.  However, a lot of our phone calls were about him venting to me about my uBPDm.  I thought she had paranoid schizophrenia and he thought she was bipolar.  In trying to figure out why he overshares so much- he did it at Thanksgiving with others around, too, but on a less creepy level,  I discovered that he most likely has unpd and that the symptoms of BPD fit my mom like a glove- hermit/waif especially.  So now I'm torn... .  Do I slide back into my rescuer role in a limited manner and perhaps send a book in hopes he can handle my mom better knowing more how she thinks?  Or would it not make difference if he thinks she has bipolar anyway.  Or would I be feeding his ndp by giving him more proof he is right and she is crazy?  Is it better for me to stay out of it completely for now while I work through recovery?  He's 80 and she's 76, so I do feel time constraints here.  Any thoughts or suggestions would be much appreciated. 

[shellbell]

At that age I am unsure how much change can be affected. By that time a person is pretty well cemented into their personalities, good or bad. I understand your wish to rush in and return to your caretaker duties, but I wouldn't suggest sending a book. If your mother sees it, that may send her over the edge and if you wish to remain in any kind of contact w/ her, that may squash it. It's hard to tell even for the child what's really going on behind the scenes without living at home. At their age, I would suggest a good dose of radical acceptance.

[Kwamina]

Hi MoreGuilt

Emotional incest is often very difficult to extricate yourself from. Especially when it's always been like that, adult children might not even be (fully) aware of just how emotionally incestuous their relationship with their disordered parent is. What aspects of your relationship with your father do you now classify as emotionally incestuous?

You say your relationship with your dad has started getting creepier lately. Did anything happen lately that might have triggered this change? In what ways have things been getting creepier?

[MoreGuilt]

shellbell-  Thank you for your advice.  I think you are 100% right.  Pushing my mom over the edge seems to be my pattern, so I appreciate you looking ahead for me 

Kwamina-  Yes, it is hard to change behaviors that I have had as long as I can remember.  It has always made me a little uncomfortable- the way my dad would talk to me- but the label makes it sick    He would tell me how he really appreciates me listening to him because he trusts my opinion and he can't talk to my mom about things because of how she was/is.  On the creepy side, he mentioned only fantasizing about my mom   I think he had had more than a few drinks before that phone call... .  It would not be out of character for my mom to accuse him of infidelity of the  mind and that lead to his comment to me.  Another time he told me I reminded him of my mother in so many ways   Then on another phone call he mentioned impotence and continued to tell me that I have that to expect with my dh.  That phone call did it.  I will not be alone with him on the phone or in person ever again.  Several times in the company of others he has complained about incontinence.  WTH.  He has always been an oversharer, but this is too much for me.   I will not confront him when sober because I lived there and know the level of violence that ensues if he is accused of being anything but perfect.

[Kwamina]

Hi again MoreGuilt

I can definitely see why your father saying those things would make you so uncomfortable. We have an article here about emotional incest/enmeshment which you might have already seen:

Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?

We also have a thread in which we further discussed this subject, perhaps you can benefit from it too. You can also share more of your own experiences there if you want to:

Emotional or covert incest: discussing it and healing from it