Right now I am doing very good and have a three week contract in Tampa. Things are getting better. My ex BPD was real bad and I did turn him over to the state for fraud. Yesterday I found out his drivers license was suspended. Basically he is having to deal with reality which he has never done before. If he started dealing with reality and fixing his problems, I would not feel that he is a threat. The problem is when he has episodes, he does bad things to himself and anyone around him. It got so bad that I now have a permanent restraining order on him. (BACK GROUND)
I NEED ADVICE HERE: This morning I saw in the news that someone jumped from a hotel balcony in the city I live in and have a feeling it was him. I am feeling some deep regret that I turned him over to the state for fraud charges. He also pawned a phone that was in my name and I locked the phone so it can not be sold, the pawn shop owner is filing felony charges on him. I feel that I may have gone to far. Part of this was to make sure he would not come back but the big reason was that I wanted him to feel the same reality that I had to deal with from this bad situation. I had a dream a month ago that he jumped from a building. If it was not him, I do not want him to hurt himself. I still love him very much but understand that I can not be around him until he is truthful and getting help. His issues make me a person that I hate and his issues make him a treat to my life. I do not want him back but I do not want him dead. Let me know your thoughts.
I see a lot of conflicting emotions. You are feeling guilt because you are thinking that some of his problems were caused by you, i.e. the fraud charges, pawning your phone, maybe giving up on him? I can understand how you can feel that way but ask yourself if he was responsible for any of these problems. :)id he commit fraud? Who pawned your phone? Were you treated properly in the relationship? Yes you love him and feel pain, it's very normal. What purpose would it serve to contact him again? I suggest researching all about BPD and learn everything you can about it. BPD cannot be cured, at best if they get counseling they may be able to manage a relationship but even that is very rare. There will never be "and we lived happily every after".
