What blinded me to the fact that my exBP was trouble?

[mhovet]

I am 3 weeks without contact with my exBP.  As I continue to process the break up and work through all of the emotions, I find myself at times doubting and fearing what my part may have been to get into the situation.  How do I set better boundaries for myself?

I ask myself ... .Why didn't I run?  Is there something in me that is susceptible to believing the intense display of emotion ... .misinterpreting it as emotional depth? 

Or do I want to "fix" a troubled soul, make them happy, and do something great for someone?

Looking back I became more willing to give up what has always been so important to me over time.  I was so dedicated and determined to make it work. 

My goal is to: 1) see the signs if I run into it again, and, 2) be willing to let the relationship go "for myself" ... .put my own well being first 

Thanks for reading

[JaneStorm]

The articles on this site are very helpful. I think you ask the right question; what inside of you, made you susceptible for so long. We all need to look at this within ourselves. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[burritoman]

I've read that once you've been split black you're split black for good. I'm conflicted though considering the endless stories of them coming back for a recycle.

Anyone have any insight on this?

[burritoman]

I've read that once you've been split black you're split black for good. I'm conflicted though considering the endless stories of them coming back for a recycle.

Anyone have any insight on this?

^^^^ Oops. I posted this in the wrong thread.

[hopealways]

I am 3 weeks without contact with my exBP.  As I continue to process the break up and work through all of the emotions, I find myself at times doubting and fearing what my part may have been to get into the situation.  How do I set better boundaries for myself?

I ask myself ... .Why didn't I run?  Is there something in me that is susceptible to believing the intense display of emotion ... .misinterpreting it as emotional depth? 

Or do I want to "fix" a troubled soul, make them happy, and do something great for someone?

Looking back I became more willing to give up what has always been so important to me over time.  I was so dedicated and determined to make it work. 

My goal is to: 1) see the signs if I run into it again, and, 2) be willing to let the relationship go "for myself" ... .put my own well being first 

Thanks for reading

IN BOLD: This is a very good point. Also, the intensity typically causes us nons to feel alive as it masks our inner emptiness which made us attracted to the BPD in the first place.

[Sunfl0wer]

If you have not read 2010's post re the lonely child vs the abandoned child, then you must:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.80

It was a bright light bulb moment for many, myself included!

[FlyFish]

Sunflower,

Thank you for referencing that thread... .2010s posting is very likely the most significant, spot on postings I've read to date on these forums. Explains my relationship dynamics to a T and will most certainly help with my healing. Others on here should follow sunflowers reference above. A must read

[VeraTrue]

2010's post. Wow. It is kind of blowing my mind right now. It is exactly how it all went down.

[mhovet]

This article was eye opening to me in many ways.

I agree that I am very much driven towards the understanding of others ... .perhaps drawn to the mystery of the more "complex dynamics" in another person that are inherent to someone struggling.  I can relate to the idea that I can be drawn to the desire to "fix" and "rescue" or fill a void in another.  My last relationship was not the first time these dynamics were in play!  The thing is ... .I always felt strong enough, capable enough, driven enough, patient enough, ... .and believed I truly could make someone's life better!  When I saw just that during the "good" times in the beginning ... .it was addicting, ... .I felt amazing, worth a million bucks, valuable, satisfied!  We know the drill ... .the relationship morphed into a daily blame game of me not "giving" enough, not being committed enough, wrapped up in a crazy cycle of being tossed aside and desperately pursued at the same time.   

Reading this article gives me hope ... .interestingly, because being the "understanding-driven" person I am, I feel there is something I've learned about myself that I wasn't connecting the dots on before!  It helps to heal, and makes me feel more confident about not repeating the pattern / mistake.

1.  I know that I need to recognize "need" disguised as "love", and be willing to take action when needy behavior surfaces its ugly head     

2.  I know that I need to view immediate interest and attention, and "better than ever",  as what it is ... .a fantasy-driven desperation of a desperate soul waiting to crumble

3.  I know that I need to be understanding-driven towards "self-direction" more than towards others.  I need to redirect myself when drawn to the mystery of someone else, the desire to fix, rescue

4.  It seems that there may be something in me that perhaps "desires to feel needed" ... .and this is what I want to get to the bottom of... .

I don't understand is the idea that I could've not been acting like myself when we first met, but instead mirroring what I needed from him versus instead of being me... .?  I'm not really connecting with the fact that I could have been a "lonely child", not understood, or missing attachment. 

I was raised in a loving, supportive, active home ... .my parents still going strong 40 years later.  I do remember striving for my father's approval as a young girl, ... .trying to get confirmation from him ... .trying to prove myself.  My dad and I didn't "verbally" communicate like my mom and I did.  My dad and I didn't verbally communicate our feelings to each other at all until I was much older, although I always felt a very real and strong love, and deep care and emotional connection from him.  I did feel distant and perhaps alone from a "verbal communication" perspective.  This is an potential area to look into, but I really don't know.

So, ... .my current questions are... .

1. How do I figure out if I was in fact mirroring instead of being myself in the beginning of the relationship?  And if I was, how do I realize and change this?

2. How do I become more self-directed, and less driven to understand others?  And isn't this a fine line... .of course we want to "understand" others to some level?  Where's the line?