Do you have trouble remembering your childhood?

[Lalasalad]

I am really having trouble remembering parts of my childhood with my BPD mother. It's like there are being gaps in my life.

These days in my twenties, I am having trouble remembering a lot of interactions I had with her the last time we were actively talking. During a two year period she was her nastiest and I remember crying everyday. I remember some things, by now I try but can't remember details.

Anyone else? Why is this happening?

[unicorn2014]

Hi Lalasalad, sure, I can identify with what you're saying. Do you think its possible you might be suffering from ptsd? What you're talking about sounds like disassociation to me.

[tenacity]

Oh my gosh yes! It is during certain parts of my life too. I remember a lot from when I was really little... .then it got pretty sketchy in my mid early to the end of high school. That was the age I really felt a shift in my mom. She kind of turned on me, but in such covert ways I didn't realize it until MUCH later.  I remember my anxiety being very bad at that time... .especially at school. Mom did her best to make sure I didn't fit in.   I can laugh at it now but it was awful at the time. Tons of shame. I was a nervous wreck. It seems to me that the memory loss is more noticeable during those periods, when all of my energy was just going into me surviving that period of my life. Where I do have more memories... .looking back those were definitely calmer periods in my life. I was really doing a lot of thinking and journaling about this about a year ago and that is when I realized that connection.

I am sorry you are dealing with it too. It is extremely frustrating.

[Sunfl0wer]

Yes.

I have had to become dissociative to cope and cannot remember much of my childhood.

I have some memories, but they are few compared to what most people remember.

I even find that when I retell some traumatic things, if I became upset and dissociative in the process, I may not remember that conversation well, or at all.

This is our bodies clever way of protecting us to endure and survive in the face of trauma.  It has been useful and saved us.

Sometimes I have been frightened to think of my issues remembering things, I am trying to be gentle with myself and embrace my bodies intelligence and choice to dissociate as needed... .vs judging it and fighting it.  I am trying to currently find ways to be at peace with this piece of myself... .it is ongoing.

[shellbell]

It's so ironic this subject is coming up now. I recently broke NC with my mom and a lot of stuff has been coming up for me. This morning I woke up and was trying to remember what my childhood was like before my dad passed away and things got noticeably bad. Looking back, I have huge gaps in my memory from basically anything before age 12. I remember bits and and pieces and even some questionable behaviors but it is really quite foggy. My mom has told me a number of times "you didn't even like me when you were 11 months old." I feel like neither of my parents really existed until I was older. That is really quite scary come to think of it... .

[maddnessreturns]

Yes for sure. When things were at the worst. I think my brain did what it had to so I could survive. Now that I'm in therapy for CPTSD and trying to work through some things. I will have something trigger a memory from an age or I'll start having nightmares worse. I may be totally off but I feel like we cope by whatever means possible to keep our psych together even if it means shoving memories to the back depths.

[Suzn]

Yes Lalasalad, I can relate as well.   

I may be totally off but I feel like we cope by whatever means possible to keep our psych together even if it means shoving memories to the back depths.

I think this is accurate. I will also add that our memories from childhood are from a child's perspective and it's difficult to reconcile our memories with a more adult perspective when our thought processes were molded by disordered family members. This is something I'm working through right now too. Guilt has played a big role for me, not wanting to see the reality because I want a relationship with my mother. She tests my limits in odd ways and she's good at it. This often leaves me feeling naive as I didn't see it coming or that I didn't see it in the past. 

My biggest issue with remembering, or so I thought, has been chronological order. We moved so often it's impossible to put these memories in order. I gave up trying to do that and instead work on grieving the memories and each memory I've forgotten as they come. Since there were many family members who were dysfunctional (disordered, addicted, emotionally immature, etc... ) in charge of my care as a child it makes it hard to work through the convoluted mess of memories I do have. My therapist has helped with this, are you working with a T? Mine has been an awesome asset to working through recovery.

I've also worked through the Survivor's Guide (to the right of your screen) and find myself at steps 4,5 and 6 at the moment as I've had two memories resurface in the last few weeks. These steps don't always go in order, we can use them to help guide us through. Where do you see yourself?

Memories that involve trauma are painful, so it makes sense that we may block out some of the past so that we can deal with it one step at a time. Be kind to you while you work through your past.   

[isilme]

Remembering, no.  Feeling the feelings from the time - yes.

I can pretty much remember almost all of it, have a semi-photographic recall.  But it's usually been like it happened to someone else, at least until my "breakthrough" crisis, I guess when my brain decided it was time to unload. 

My uBPDFI, on the other hand, remembers very little about his childhood, nothing before like age 8.  His birth father was a drug user and very abusive, and his mom remarried when he was 4, but his adopted stepfather had an alcohol problem early in his childhood, too, so I think a lot is blocked.