Does anyone have suggestions how to handle this, or myself if there is contact? I gotta find a better way of dealing with this.
Dear Beach_Babe,
I feel for you. If you call something emotional sadism, it must be something very hurtful for you. My first encounter with what I termed emotional sadism (I'm mentioning this because this is how you termed it) came from my low-grade NPD mother and since then I have dealt with it in two different romantic relationships. Here is how I deal with this type of baits if I believe/feel there is emotional sadism/narcissism involved. With time and practice it becomes automatic. (I don't want this to be understood as something about BPD, this is the narc mechanism, yet my partner has this strongly) :
1. I change my mindset and make a point of remembering that I'm not in an ongoing relationship with them anymore. This makes my hand much stronger. I do this before everything else and before my feelings set in. I take a deep breath and bring myself back to present reality. If I need to meditate, then I do that. Even if only in my mind, just sitting wherever I'm sitting. A bit of mindfulness helps. If I don't keep myself in my present reality, I just fall into that old mental framework - where these can hurt me because we are together. In my present reality, I realize this: Now, I don't have to put my trust again like I did in a relationship. Likewise, I don't have the burden of trying to do good things because there is no relationship. I don't have any emotional responsibility. I'm out of an active relationship and this fact makes me much stronger.
2. I make a point of realizing this as well: OK. I think this person derives pleasure from hurting me emotionally. BUT: They can do it if only I get emotionally involved. If I don't, there is NO WAY they can do this. This is a dance of two and I make this possible by being there emotionally. First, I have to make myself available for the emotional dance, otherwise it doesn't work. This is actually my hidden power. At first, it may seem that I can't change my emotional involvement. But actually I can. But that takes another mindset change.
3. In my everyday life, I'm not a freak who responds to chess emotionally. (I may respond emotionally in regards to why they are doing this, the game may hurt me etc, but ultimately, no, in principle I don't respond to chess emotionally.) Here, however, I respond emotionally only because I assume they have something equivalent or fall back to my patterns (hence number 1 here). If they are an emotional sadist, though, it's not about mutual emotions. This is completely about them. They are playing a game to derive pleasure. I have enough intelligence to respond to a game intelligently rather than full-hearted emotional involvement. It's not always automatic because I'm emotionally conditioned but the first 2 steps help me change my mental gears manually.
4. From now on everything is a game. If one day I'm convinced that they aren't playing a game, I can change my mindset. Only, they'll have to prove it this time. I'll not assume anything. Anything seemingly emotional happens within the game. One type of classic game is: They drop a bait 1), we think it's emotional involvement and put in emotional involvement, they take it back (3). We are hurt and frustrated and maybe feel rejected. If we don't, they may give another bait (1), increase the attention (2). Then once we are there emotionally (and they have radars for it:)) oops, back to square one. In between, there may be some attention coming from their way and we may even feel flattered. Once we drop our guard, oops back to square one.
Once you start thinking about this like a game, you emotionally detach (don't try to win the game by trying to make them feel something, you'll always lose. Not because you are less intelligent but because your "win" is different. We always expect something emotional - a bond, real intimacy- to come out of this. That will not happen. The moment we expect it, we lose. But you can approach it with a bit of distance like "Oh, here is the game. He is in step X. It will usually be one of the above." Then it stops hurting. (The sadness as to "why" remains but please accept that they have different wiring. Like, why do you have emotions yourself? Why do you get hurt? You have different wiring. We have to accept this.
In time, you may even start realizing how gullible emotional sadists and narcs can be. Sometimes they actually imitate your behaviours and patterns when trying to hurt you:))
Please be careful with emotional expectations like apology and closure. They are unable to give these (true apologies etc) due to the nature of their wiring. (It signals imperfection, which means death. It's a matter of survival, it's like someone asking for your kidneys or lungs after a relation ends). If they do give you an apology, it's probably something to gain narc supply. It will never be what you expect and it's good actually - when we see a bit of recognition (apology) at this stage, we are prone to going back to the feeling sphere and chasing them:))
In the last week, my ex partner (with whom I have to communicate for the time being) did this: 1, 1, 2,1,2, 3
This translates: drop bait (something about some technical thing but with a bit of goodness and kindness), repeat, increase loving words, go back to more technical (bec.I didn't respond emotionally and he imitated), got crazy for attention and increased lovingness, I responded (with technical stuff but also some more narc supply), he has been ignoring me:))
It's very empowering for me to see it this way. It hurts way less and when it does, I'm able to come back from hurt more quickly.
I'm doing it because I have to. If I could go NC, I wouldn't respond.
I don't answer phone calls, written communication gives me a bit of time. I took the blame for that (rather than setting a boundary, I said it's still strange talking to you, I get a bit stuck) and he accepted it happily (because he thinks it signals feelings for him whereas it's my move to secure a emotionally safer zone of communication).
I hope these help you a bit if you have a narc or emotional sadist in your life. They can't do anything unless you open your emotions and ways to your heart. You can see it as their game and close those emotional channels.
Big hug,
