Does anybody question what or who are "real" now?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I find myself second guessing if people are being real with me, or if they are nothing like how they claim to be. I tend to over think and analys every situation, and ever perception on the situation... does anyone else do this?

[qwaszx]

I find myself second guessing if people are being real with me, or if they are nothing like how they claim to be. I tend to over think and analys every situation, and ever perception on the situation... does anyone else do this?

[mssalty]

Every day.   It's hard.   Both the way we're treated and the suspicion our BPD relationships have of others seems to rub off.   

[teapay]

Yes, sometimes.  It sort of reminds me of the movie "The Thing" from the 1980s.  I want that blood test they used to test which of the humans was really the thing.  You know, the one where the burned everyone's blood and Things blood screamed, jumped out of the petri dish and ran away.

[balletomane]

I am much more wary of people than I used to be and I'm mistrusting of friends. If a friend doesn't reply to my email or text within the day I start worrying that they're angry or punishing me for something, and then I have to consciously remind myself that no, most people don't give you the silent treatment like that, that was just my ex's behaviour. But while I know on a logical level that most people don't think and act like him, it's as if I'm hyper-alert for the warning signs I learnt to dread when I was with him. I also worry that I'm not really liked or likable. My ex used me for his own ends, so why wouldn't others? This distresses me because I feel as if I've been infected with his style of thinking. I never used to think like this.

[unicorn2014]

Definitely.

[qwaszx]

Thank you, most days I feel really Insane now, I can't and don't trust anyone... .it sucks

[unicorn2014]

Do you have people you can do a reality check with like a recovery group or a church?

[valet]

qwaszx, I was in the same place for a while, where reality didn't feel very 'real' and I was questioning the reasons for why a lot of my close friends and acquaintances behave in the ways that they do. After our lives get shaken up a bit, I think that we naturally go through this scrupulous re-evaulation process of our relationships.

Thinking about it from a big picture perspective, it is totally normal. The more complicated the relationships that we partake in, the deeper the potential to activate and re-open our core wounds becomes.

It's ok to to be intense about these evaluations now, but remember to only make decisions that you yourself are very comfortable with making.

[qwaszx]

Right now I have one person I can check in with, she's seen my through a lot.

I don't believe in religions, and for the most part now I keep people away. Does feeling and thinking this way ever stop?

[unicorn2014]

I am still in my relationship and dealing with a major disconnect between my partner and I. I'm struggling to accept something he said as being true for him. I don't know where you're at in your healing process. For me I'm coming at from being in a relationship with a pwBPD traits for over 3 years and am starting to look at what that's done to me.

[qwaszx]

I was about a year out of this relationship with my pwBPD.  Recently a relationship I was in ended, and after the break up I messaged my pwBPD, thinking she could somehow help...

I never though the damage that was done to me wasn't reversible but now im really starting to question my sanity... .

[unicorn2014]

You asked the pwBPD for help? Did you end it or did she end it?

[qwaszx]

I ended it. moved out west

[unicorn2014]

Ok I understand. Why do you think pwBPD could help you?

[qwaszx]

I thought she loved and cared about me... .I met her after my good friend died, and I watched them pull his body out from under a cabin I used to call home... .I was wreaked after wards... then I met my pwBPD and I thought then that she was helping me... she always had the right thing to say... .and then all hell broke loss and I was always trying to keep her alive.

[Thread]

Yes now that I realize I have been surrounded by Bpd individuals I constantly question everything, am I crazy or was it then, why do I attract Bpd individuals, even new friends I make I start to notice it after likening them a lot and I'm like wait there are the signs oh man! And now I question why? Why am I attracted or drawn to people like that is it because my mother and sister are and I always wanted their approval? Why? Because it's all cussed so much heartache and sadness in my life.

[workinprogress]

To a certain extent, I have become both passive and assertive about this.  I assume most people are just trying to get through their lives as best they can.  I also have asserted myself in just being myself and letting the chips fall.  I don't do anything outlandish, I'm just trying to be more genuine. 

Another thing, I listen to my wife and her parents badmouth everyone they know behind their backs.  I now assume everyone I know does this.  I don't know if it is a good concept to have or not.  To expand on this, I mean I am genuine, but I don't reveal too much about what is deep inside of me because I assume that I will just be ridiculed later when I'm not around.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Q-

I thought she loved and cared about me... .I met her after my good friend died, and I watched them pull his body out from under a cabin I used to call home... .I was wreaked after wards... then I met my pwBPD and I thought then that she was helping me... she always had the right thing to say... .and then all hell broke loss and I was always trying to keep her alive.

One way to look at that is you were in an altered state at the time, off balance, and susceptible to someone who is looking for attachments to survive.  Not that your ex was a malicious predator, just someone trying to survive like the rest of us, and you were easy to attach to at the time.

I too questioned all of my relationships and reality itself after I left my ex, and choose to believe that was an overreaction, a compensation, for not questioning them going into the relationship, just diving in with both feet, and ended up in lots of pain as a result.  When we trust our gut feel and it fails us, and on top of that deal with the devaluation of someone we're emotionally enmeshed with, our self esteem can plummet and self doubt skyrocket, and we lose the confidence to trust ourselves.

So to compensate and find a new normal after the relationship ends, I say it's natural that we question everything, a good thing really as we get recentered and learn to trust our gut feel again, which in general is never wrong, although it had never been exposed to mental illness before and got deceived for a minute.

Second guessing sounds like a bad thing, but maybe it's checking in with our gut feel to see if it got it right the first time, on our way to a renewed reliance on it and ourselves, a fine tuning and a recentering.  Not a bad thing really, self protection in fact, just think if we'd done that with our exes, for me we never would have gotten started.  Vigilance is an asset, and at some point we need to let go and trust, although insisting that folks prove themselves trustworthy first is just smart and a component of healthy boundaries.

[shellbell]

Hyper-vigilance is a common symptom of PTSD. Not saying you have it, but many people who have grown up, lived with, or been close with a pwBPD exhibits symptoms of PTSD.

[unicorn2014]

I thought she loved and cared about me... .I met her after my good friend died, and I watched them pull his body out from under a cabin I used to call home... .I was wreaked after wards... then I met my pwBPD and I thought then that she was helping me... she always had the right thing to say... .and then all hell broke loss and I was always trying to keep her alive.

I apologize for the delay in my response.

I also once believed my pwBPD was helping me however based on my understanding from these boards I am not sure anymore.

[JRT]

ABSOLTUELY! My exBPDfiance and I had an outstanding relationship... .we never argued or disagreed (she was a waif)... .she had just moved in and we ordered our wedding  rings... .one week later, she moved out and blocked me from contact when I was away on business. That was in September of 2014 and I have still not heard from her!

I am almost back to normal with some residual effects that are going away slowly. I have a new GF, smart, sexy, beautiful, etc who thinks very well of me. I have trust issues with her and analyze all that she says under the prism of what happened. I suspect that there is someone behind the persona that she wants me to see and I have completely held back emotionally from her. I have been asking myself if I am still broken, just not into her or a combination of both. Either way, I don't feel that it is fair to her (or me) and have been considering breaking up with her after almost 4 months for this reason. I also ask myself if she is 'real' or just another one similar to the last... .

[VeraTrue]

If we didn't do this, we'd be in denial I think. Or at least I would... .if I went through what I went through with my uBPDexgf and DIDN'T have some kind of heightened security alert thing going on, that would be a very alarming indication. However, I haven't tried dating yet and I probably don't know the full extent of what it will be like, and I haven't made any new friends so only experiencing previously established trusting relationships. (Oh. Maybe these two facts- no new dating or friends in a year- says more than I thought.)

I have had one encouraging experience where my intuition steered me away from a very attractive woman I met once at a party who made some overtures that night and later over social media. My intuition was later confirmed as correct through a friend's report of her history of intense and unstable relationships, and her out-of-the-blue attempt a couple of months later to enlist me in rescuing her when she abruptly left her boyfriend! I didn't fall for it or even feel the pull either, which was amazing. This one little thing increased my sense of hope that maybe I can trust myself more to identify the BPD coming at me and avoid it.

Maybe one way of healing is to build evidence that we can trust ourselves to be able to protect ourselves and choose well, after that self-trust was crushed when we got deceived. Have you had any experiences you can think of where you drew good boundaries or listened to your gut and found you were right? Or even that you felt something but didn't listen, but still found out your gut was right?

[Thread]

Veratrue

Maybe one way of healing is to build evidence that we can trust ourselves to be able to protect ourselves and choose well, after that self-trust was crushed when we got deceived. Have you had any experiences you can think of where you drew good boundaries or listened to your gut and found you were right? Or even that you felt something but didn't listen, but still found out your gut was right?

Well said! And this speaks so much truth to me!