No Contact and the feeling of abandonment

[burritoman]

Does anybody have any insight on whether no contact can contribute to their feelings of abandonment? Such as, "He/she isn't talking to me. Obviously they don't care, or never cared."

Or, will they separate no contact from the rest of their feelings?

[JSF13]

I actually have been contemplating this myself the past 3 days. Really curious to know.

[Joem678]

I've thought of that.  I believe the sense of abandonment is more of a trigger into a crisis then a feeling during.  I think during a crisis, they don't care what the non is doing.  That has just been my experience.

[steve195915]

Does anybody have any insight on whether no contact can contribute to their feelings of abandonment? Such as, "He/she isn't talking to me. Obviously they don't care, or never cared."

Or, will they separate no contact from the rest of their feelings?

NC is more like an affirmation of their fears that people will abandon them.  They don't rationalize that just because you aren't talking to them it means you don't care or never cared.  Keep in mind their emotional dysfunction is like that of a 3 yr old.   If you stop taking their calls, they can't stand losing this control so they will alternate between wanting you and despising you. 

[thisworld]

My two cents. PwBPD are individuals with varying degrees of distorted thinking and coping skills. And also varying degrees of positive things. Many things may happen. Some might think the way you stated, some might think "Yeah, obviously he never cared but then I didn't like him that much, either, l'll just move on and date X." Some might think "Geez, he went no contact, isn't that crazy, let me tell how crazy he is to my friends." Some might get angry and turn into stalkers, some might try to come back. Some might try to come back while they have moved in with someone else. All these may change in a matter of weeks as well. On the road, we may experience many ego breaks ourselves : How could I be understood as such, how could s/he forget about me so quickly etc,  and if we respond to their coping skills, it becomes an unhealthy dance of two.

Will she be able to separate her other feelings from NC? In my experience, no, my ex usually cannot separate thing from another and experiences a big narcissistic wound when he feels rejected. I have experienced enough things like this from him that if, after separation, he has a 180 degree turn and presents himself as a mature person, I just think a) What is he after now? b) Oh, nice, this too shall pass.

On another note, though, I find the expectation itself varies for Nons, too. We may respond in so many different ways.

I get the feeling (but I do apologize I'm wrong) that you have gone NC or are planning to but you emotionally wish your partner to forgive you and still see you as the good person you were or you are worried about the outcomes of NC. If it's the first, I don't think we have the right to expect forgiveness or objectivity from anyone (they are either there or they aren't). With disordered people, these may be complex notions that require more emotional maturity than they have at the moment. If you are worried about the outcomes, new costs in your life, maybe you can work with a therapist to find the right approach to minimize those costs?

I think it's always more helpful to know what we want and work towards that with things under our control.

[JRT]

Even though mine had left suddenly and blocked me from communication (to the extent that she called the cops and a lawyer when I tried to call her soon after), I am almost 100% certain (from this and that) that she not only felt that I was the one who abandoned her but that I never cared about her in the first place. The disappearing and blocking was something that she 'HAD" to do and was given no other recourse give n my 'apathy', 'controlling' and 'abuse'.

[Joem678]

JRT,

my wife did the same thing (minus the lawyer) but I have family reaching out to my sister questioning why I am throwing away our marriage.  She is obviously saying I did it.

[thisworld]

I am almost 100% certain (from this and that) that she not only felt that I was the one who abandoned her but that I never cared about her in the first place.

My ex belongs to this school of thought. Toward the end of the relationship I would get dumped 3 to 10 times a day and when I didn't chase it was the sign of what a loveless person I was.

[JRT]

JRT,

my wife did the same thing (minus the lawyer) but I have family reaching out to my sister questioning why I am throwing away our marriage.  She is obviously saying I did it.

Joe... .sorry to hear... .its wild isn't it? If you were like me, your whole life was the relationship. I held nothing back and gave happily from my entire self only to have her disappear one day when I was out of town. Maybe its a bit helpful for you that there as still rumblings from people connect to you: mine unfriended all those we had in common on social media after blocking my daughter and I and then convinced all of her family and friends to do the same.  Well over a year later and I have not heard from her (though I suspect she stalks me electronically) nor do I know what she tells people about us.

[Joem678]

Yes, JRT, my entire life was the relationship. It actually angers and worries me.  The text messages are increasing in frequency with my sister.   Why do you suspect the stalking?

[JRT]

Yes, JRT, my entire life was the relationship. It actually angers and worries me.  The text messages are increasing in frequency with my sister.   Why do you suspect the stalking?

I caught her stalking me on FB red handed at one point (long story)... .I have been getting silent calls at very strange intervals that correspond with this event or that one including to a couple of key friends (one who i had met here)... .she had in fact reached out to the friend that I met here at first by text (under odd circumstances) and then finally they spoke a couple of times... .I get visitors to social media and other odd events... .a lot of it circumstantial and intuitive but where there is smoke there is fire; I know her well enough.

If yours is maintaining contact with your sister, I would suspect that a recycle attempt is on the horizon.

[Joem678]

I need to hear your story of the stalking JRT.  Some weird crap is happening on Facebook.  I'm pretty much a shy person.  Have minimal friends on fb. Mainly relatives.  All of a sudden , I started getting request from people I don't I know.  I am also getting calls from numbers I don't know.  Either I'm going paranoid or "it's coming". 

You are right about my sister being contacted.  Si be been in NC for two months.  LC 6 weeks before that. 

My best friend tells me, get ready because "it's coming".  Ugh!

[steve195915]

I am almost 100% certain (from this and that) that she not only felt that I was the one who abandoned her but that I never cared about her in the first place.

My ex belongs to this school of thought. Toward the end of the relationship I would get dumped 3 to 10 times a day and when I didn't chase it was the sign of what a loveless person I was.

I totally agree with her, loveless for sure.  I mean how can you be in a relationship with a pwBPD and not know how to play your part in her emotional dysfunction.  When she dumped you, you are supposed to beg for her forgiveness, and if she says nasty things about you, you are to agree with her and beg some more.  Geesh! some people don't know how to please a pwBPD.

[thisworld]

 If you stop taking their calls, they can't stand losing this control so they will alternate between wanting you and despising you. 

The dumper ex is a he, so that makes me a loveless she, I'm a very very cold woman

I also committed the sin of mentioning politely to him that it was him who was caught on some emotional cheating act (and he couldn't even do that without mentioning me, graceless!) and I was the one who was physically attacked because of this. I don't know how to live with my loveless self.

And your comment explains why he can't let go of each and every ex who serially cheated on him, played him etc, why he still begs for their friendship, also badmouths them horribly and preaches me compassion. How very loving really. All of them. 

[JRT]

I need to hear your story of the stalking JRT.  Some weird crap is happening on Facebook.  I'm pretty much a shy person.  Have minimal friends on fb. Mainly relatives.  All of a sudden , I started getting request from people I don't I know.  I am also getting calls from numbers I don't know.  Either I'm going paranoid or "it's coming". 

You are right about my sister being contacted.  Si be been in NC for two months.  LC 6 weeks before that. 

My best friend tells me, get ready because "it's coming".  Ugh!

I created a ruse for her to walk into. She left a number of very important pieces of property here. Through her sister and an attorney, she refused to pick them up (I suspect that they were a hook back of some kind). At the time I was public on FB so everyone could see everything... .I did this by design. I put up a photo of an old steamer trunk that she left indicating that my New Years resolution was to clean out my basement. The first person to claim the trunk got to keep it and its content. If there were no takes by the weekend, I will be dragging out to the trash.

The very next day first thing the next morning, her GF (who had already unfriended me and hence could not see my posts) contacted me to see if she could collect the trunk. The entire exchange was strange and I would not be surprised at all if that was my exBPDfiance doing the talking on her GF's account. But it confirmed to me that she she was definitely creeping me. (I offered her stuff for return with no strings attached except that SHE come and pick it all up and no one else. Its all still here after 15 months).

I also get strange calls; silent calls. There is no one on the other end of the line and is silent for as long as a minute then they hang up. It is always from a different line (not in service usually when I call back) and they seem to know when I am on vacation and out of the country and don't call then! They have also been calling an ex GF, a friend I made here and my daughter. They have stopped suddenly since I served her with interrogatories from my attorney and a witness list for our trial (I am suing her to recovery my engagement ring which she claims to have returned!).

I get FB friend requests as well. There is one that I suspect was her and one such as that on LinnkIn (the remainder of those types fo requests are usually attempts for hackers to harvest your friends list). When I was on a dating site, I had a visitor with a entirely blank profile entitled JRT1234.

[JRT]

Apologies to the OP for hijacking the thread.