this is tough

[Lu]

Hi everyone. ... I've just found this site, I've been struggling to work out my partners behaviour for years... .I know His BPD is a mixture of depression, anxiety, lack of self confidence, low self esteem & a lot of passive aggression ... .which makes for a toxic combination... .I probably don't need to describe every part of his traits... .as you mostly will know exactly what I'm talking about & some!... .however I am focusssing on me for a while, and getting my head around this to find ways forward... .or I know he will drag me under, & I can't have that... .as already over a decade... .my life has changed dramatically... .and not for the better in lots of ways!

So I need to balance all this out & tap into some of your wisdom and ways of handling this tricky situation... .without every word being picked apart ... &/or treading on eggshells for even speaking, or my words being manipulated and taken in the wrong way, or being told I said or did something, I didn't!... .as this is the way he has been for a long time... .& tbh it's getting just a bit too much to excuse... .as he's getting worse, his voice and facial expressions are more agressive and he's losing his affectionate / funny side ... .which were the positives we had keeping me in this relationship!

I need boundaries I need support I need to get my old life back! He's isolated me I realise that now, but I'm slowly getting my act together ... .without his or any support... .and it's tough!

I hope to connect with this network & keep going upwards & onwards! Lu

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi Lu,



Every new member who writes their first post gets the Lessons pointed out to them as kind of an introduction to this site.  The Lessons are always in the box that runs down the right hand side of the screen.   They are a great place to start digging into what is available on this site.

I am glad you found us.   I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.   Especially every word being picked apart.   Getting into an argument with a person with BPD is a pretty unique experience.   With the "this is what you said" and "this is what I said" going around in circles until it makes absolutely no sense to me anymore.

is he diagnosed as BPD?  in treatment of any kind?   how about you, do you have a therapist supporting you?

'ducks

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, YOU are likely to really benefit from therapy. I recently went back, and while it doesn't change my situation, it does give me an outlet, and it's something I do for ME. I really don't feel like I'd feel the need for therapy if I wasn't with BPDh. At nearly 50, I feel I've worked out "most" of my own self issues, and have learned to deal with them. I've had anxiety for years, but it's easy to control when I'm not around chaotic people. Living around someone with a PD, or even a severe anger issue, can really be a challenge.

Lots of people are really able to make some big changes in their relationships, just by learning the tools, or working harder on self care. It's not selfish, it's survival, and we shouldn't feel guilty for needing to recharge our batteries.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Lu,

I would like to join babyducks and Ceruleanblue and welcome you. 

I think the title of the thread speaks loudly, it can be really tough to cope with the erratic behavior and feeling isolated.     The site is a wonderful source of support and understanding.

Taking care of yourself is something that I think many of us forget to do when we are coping with the behavior. I have been drug under in the past. Prior to knowing about BPD, my boyfriend's behavior really took a toll on me. The hypersensitivity to criticism made me constantly walk on eggshells.  Therapy has helped me learn how to focus on myself and not be so affected by my boyfriend's behavior. Also, learning communication tools have been a godsend.

What types of boundaries would you like to set?


Looking forward to reading your response.