Why do I still miss her?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She hasn't reached out in over two months, tho we see each other (briefly some days, none at all on other days) at work every day.

We've traded a few texts, nothing serious at all, nothing about the relationship. She has clearly moved on.

I've talked with my therapist once a week for the last 6 weeks and he's telling me to move on and get through it and wants me to know if she does cycle back it's not gonna be a good experience. And I totally believe him.

But I still miss the heck out of her. I miss how we used to talk every day. text every day. the summer days we'd spend at the beach, the summer nights we spend together.

we never had the fights or moments of rage. Just one day she said she needed to work on herself and what we once had immediately came to an end.

I just saw her walking down the hall at work and I just flat-out realized how much i miss her.

Why is this so? Why can't i just move on?

I don't expect an answer to this, I just had to get it off my chest so it wouldn't just fester inside me and beat me up even more.

thanks for listening.

[Anez]

She hasn't reached out in over two months, tho we see each other (briefly some days, none at all on other days) at work every day.

We've traded a few texts, nothing serious at all, nothing about the relationship. She has clearly moved on.

I've talked with my therapist once a week for the last 6 weeks and he's telling me to move on and get through it and wants me to know if she does cycle back it's not gonna be a good experience. And I totally believe him.

But I still miss the heck out of her. I miss how we used to talk every day. text every day. the summer days we'd spend at the beach, the summer nights we spend together.

we never had the fights or moments of rage. Just one day she said she needed to work on herself and what we once had immediately came to an end.

I just saw her walking down the hall at work and I just flat-out realized how much i miss her.

Why is this so? Why can't i just move on?

I don't expect an answer to this, I just had to get it off my chest so it wouldn't just fester inside me and beat me up even more.

thanks for listening.

[Alberto]

It's understandable, don't beat yourself for it. In addition to the normal pain after a breakup, those of us involved with a BPD probably share a trauma bond, so it's even more damaging.

Forget about recycles, they come from need and egoism, not love. Focus on being the best version of yourself, get in shape and start dating as fast as possible, the best antidote for disordered relationships are sane relationships.

[Anez]

Thanks, Alberto. This girl and the stuff I did with her led to end of my marriage and after some really good and deep months she just wants nothing to do with me.

It can be overwhelming at times.

I've been going to the gym 5 days a week and going to therapy every week but man, having to see her at work just hurts. I think of her prob 90 percent of the time.

A normal relationship sounds really good. I'll get there eventually.

[ProKonig]

Just a thought; keep an eye out for new jobs too. I know it's not always possible, but some focus on detaching your worklife from her might be good. Good luck OP! Everyone heals, just takes time... .2 months isn't long.

[steve195915]

She hasn't reached out in over two months, tho we see each other (briefly some days, none at all on other days) at work every day.

We've traded a few texts, nothing serious at all, nothing about the relationship. She has clearly moved on.

I've talked with my therapist once a week for the last 6 weeks and he's telling me to move on and get through it and wants me to know if she does cycle back it's not gonna be a good experience. And I totally believe him.

But I still miss the heck out of her. I miss how we used to talk every day. text every day. the summer days we'd spend at the beach, the summer nights we spend together.

we never had the fights or moments of rage. Just one day she said she needed to work on herself and what we once had immediately came to an end.

I just saw her walking down the hall at work and I just flat-out realized how much i miss her.

Why is this so? Why can't i just move on?

I don't expect an answer to this, I just had to get it off my chest so it wouldn't just fester inside me and beat me up even more.

thanks for listening.

Yes it's painful when you care about someone and it's not returned.  Was she diagnosed with BPD?  From your description of no fights, no moments of rage, and she didn't put you down or blame you sure doesn't fit the typical description for a pwBPD usually described here.  You are very lucky you didn't have to experience the full wrath of the borderline traits, though that doesn't lessen the pain you feel for the end of the relationship. 

[Anez]

No fights but all the stories I've told my therapist led him to believe she is BPD or at least has a lot of traits.

And I def see it now, tho didn't even know about it until my therapist told me about it.

Because of her daughter our time together had limits that prob kept the fights and rage away.

[Lonely_Astro]

Yes it's painful when you care about someone and it's not returned.  Was she diagnosed with BPD?  From your description of no fights, no moments of rage, and she didn't put you down or blame you sure doesn't fit the typical description for a pwBPD usually described here.  You are very lucky you didn't have to experience the full wrath of the borderline traits, though that doesn't lessen the pain you feel for the end of the relationship. 

Anez's pwBPD is a lot like mine.  Mine (diagnosed) wasn't an external rage type, she never put me down (though she did herself all the time), and she rarely blamed me for something.  Though we would argue about the most trivial things (and even if we were debating something, she saw it as fighting).  In a moment of lucidity, I asked her about it.  She told me that she would rage inside at people all the time and if she didn't control herself she would physically assault someone but that she had enough self control to not.  I always wondered when that beast would come out of the cage though.  While it does seem like a rarity for those with BPD to not outwardly rage, spit poison, and so forth, that doesn't mean they still aren't thinking those things (at least based on what mine told me).

I think having an internal rage BPD is harder to let go of.  Mainly because they seem to be the higher functioning chameleon type.  That makes them even more 'dangerous' because they seem so normal to 'normal' people (even those in a r/s with them). 

Many on here talk about how their exes pursued them after it was over.  I don't see mine doing that.  Maybe its because she's higher functioning or because she's beautiful, she'll always have a supply.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I feel lucky that mine was like Anez's in that she was internal, not external.  I also think she will leave me alone now that the r/s is over (she has a new beau now, which will make the transition easier too).  The "quiet types" are out there.

[Anez]

Totally agree with you Astro on the quiet types. I told my T that sometimes I wish there were fights or rage because it might be easier to let go. But the quiet type makes me feel like this is more fixable than it really is.

The hardest part right now is that we act like strangers at work. It's prob best for my recovery but it hurts to see a woman who used to adore me and who I still adore, has gone silent on me. We had a strong bond, shared special moments, had a great weekend in Palm Springs in aug where we laughed all the way home and now there's nothing. And that void cuts deep.

[Anez]

I'm gonna throw this Hail Mary text Wednesday night when I'm at the airport flying across country to see family.

I've written it already to make sure I can go over it before sending. I went out of my way to not bring up relationship stuff. Just a message with a nice memory and encouraging words. Hopefully nothing that will trigger any frustrated emotions. She's had a few deaths in her family the last few months, including her grandpa who she was really close with. That explains my words on how Xmas will be tough for her:

Hi Barnes. I'm sitting at LAX waiting for my redeye to Washington D.C. where I'm gonna spend Christmas with my family and play uncle Andy for a few days, which I'm really looking forward to. I was just randomly thinking of a Saturday we spent together. The one where we got up, got your car out of the shop, picked up sandwiches at the deli, then you introduced me to squirt soda and we hit the beach. That was a really fun day. Thank you for moments like that. I always loved our beach days. Thanks for the meaningful calls and texts on nights where I was going through stuff and also thank you for sharing your feelings over calls or texts when you were going through stuff. It meant a lot to be open with somebody like that. thanks for the hilarious calls and texts that we had when we were both just feeling silly and fun, and thanks for just being you and bringing new things for me to think about - the moon, for instance, or not killing insects, or just showing me your strength each day by being a loving mom who also worked her ass off at your job. (Also, thanks for putting my comforter in the cover thingy that time. I totally hate doing that and lose my mind every time I have to do it.) I hope you have a great Christmas. I know this one will be pretty hard for you but just enjoy spending time with your family, seeing and hearing the smiles and laughs from your daughter as she opens gifts, and eating lots of food. Eat the ___ out of some good food. Have a Merry Christmas, Barnes. You deserve it. 

[Lonely_Astro]

Totally agree with you Astro on the quiet types. I told my T that sometimes I wish there were fights or rage because it might be easier to let go. But the quiet type makes me feel like this is more fixable than it really is.

The hardest part right now is that we act like strangers at work. It's prob best for my recovery but it hurts to see a woman who used to adore me and who I still adore, has gone silent on me. We had a strong bond, shared special moments, had a great weekend in Palm Springs in aug where we laughed all the way home and now there's nothing. And that void cuts deep.

It's harder to not act like strangers at work.  Trust me.  J told me Friday that during our 1-1 conversation that she was going to be around me until I decided to not have her around anymore.  I find that ironic, since she's seeing R now (and was lying to me about it).  Don't get me wrong, she may not be lying to him because she claims to have told him all about us, which means she either lied to me about that or he's a bigger douche than I thought.  A bit of a backstory to that is that R's soon to be ex wife was cheating on him with two of my co-workers, so I could very well see him seeing taking J out (and more) as some twisted bit of revenge for what happened to him.  That's a story for a different time, though.

Anyway, what she said was that when I decided to move on with my life (aka get another woman), she would be out of my life entirely.  Her words exactly were "I'll disappear from your life.  I won't look at you, speak to you, or anything else.  It's just to painful for me to see you move on and I'll have to do that to handle it," another twist of irony since she wants me in her life and it's ok for her to move on but apparently I can't or I do so knowing full well that J will 'vanish' from my life.

As far as your Hail Mary text, are you sending it as a way to re-establish contact with her?  While your text wasn't hostile, at all, it was emotionally charged.  She may or may not respond to that.  I only ask the purpose of the text because I wasn't sure if you were sending it in hopes of contact (hence, hail mary) or because you felt you needed to say those things.  While unintentional on your part, it could trigger more feelings of guilt/shame/rage with her, too.  I say that because J once told me that it was hard for her to process the 'good' memories with someone she had been romantic with because she would think about what she had done to them and the true self loathing would begin.  How can you ever have a meaningful relationship when you are programmed to think that way?  I can only imagine what living with BPD must be like.

1

Friday, we talked about all the good times we had had together.  But, that like the rest of our 1 year r/s was an illusion too.  The whole time she was walking down memory lane, being affectionate with me, and talking about how much she wanted there to be a future with us, she was also making plans to be with R later that evening and over the weekend.  We were back to being very close Friday, practically enemies by Saturday evening.  I believe, in the moment, she meant what all she said to me Friday night.  If I would've made plans with her Saturday like she had wanted, would we have moved on?  Maybe.  But I chose not to do that because of R.  I had had enough of the so called r/s that I was just ready to move forward.  I miss her, yes.  But why do I miss her?  Thats what I ask myself. 

This time, though, I am not going to seek reconciliation with her.  Life is just to short.  It's painful, but true.  You and I deserve healthy, normal, and mutual respective relationships.  We can't fix them and the misery they would put us through (and already have) just simply isn't worth it.  You can love her with every fiber of your being and with all the power of the universe backing you, but it won't be enough.  Love, alone, will not prevail.  It's just that simple.  Sad but true.

Keep grinding and moving forward, Anez

[C.Stein]

Totally agree with you Astro on the quiet types. I told my T that sometimes I wish there were fights or rage because it might be easier to let go. But the quiet type makes me feel like this is more fixable than it really is.

I agree.  Mine was also mostly internal and her "raging" typically came via text.    In person her "rages" were mostly silent and when she did speak her words (and tone) would cut DEEP!  While we did have fights, which hardly ever happened, it was due to her pushing me over the edge.  I am not proud of this and I certainly could have handled myself better.

We had a strong bond, shared special moments, had a great weekend in Palm Springs in aug where we laughed all the way home and now there's nothing. And that void cuts deep.

You and me both man.  My ex and I almost always had a really good time together, didn't matter what we were doing.  Losing that has certainly left a big void.

[CollateralDamage]

Totally agree with you Astro on the quiet types. I told my T that sometimes I wish there were fights or rage because it might be easier to let go. But the quiet type makes me feel like this is more fixable than it really is.

The hardest part right now is that we act like strangers at work. It's prob best for my recovery but it hurts to see a woman who used to adore me and who I still adore, has gone silent on me. We had a strong bond, shared special moments, had a great weekend in Palm Springs in aug where we laughed all the way home and now there's nothing. And that void cuts deep.

It's harder to not act like strangers at work.  Trust me.  J told me Friday that during our 1-1 conversation that she was going to be around me until I decided to not have her around anymore.  I find that ironic, since she's seeing R now (and was lying to me about it).  Don't get me wrong, she may not be lying to him because she claims to have told him all about us, which means she either lied to me about that or he's a bigger douche than I thought.  A bit of a backstory to that is that R's soon to be ex wife was cheating on him with two of my co-workers, so I could very well see him seeing taking J out (and more) as some twisted bit of revenge for what happened to him.  That's a story for a different time, though.

Anyway, what she said was that when I decided to move on with my life (aka get another woman), she would be out of my life entirely.  Her words exactly were "I'll disappear from your life.  I won't look at you, speak to you, or anything else.  It's just to painful for me to see you move on and I'll have to do that to handle it," another twist of irony since she wants me in her life and it's ok for her to move on but apparently I can't or I do so knowing full well that J will 'vanish' from my life.

As far as your Hail Mary text, are you sending it as a way to re-establish contact with her?  While your text wasn't hostile, at all, it was emotionally charged.  She may or may not respond to that.  I only ask the purpose of the text because I wasn't sure if you were sending it in hopes of contact (hence, hail mary) or because you felt you needed to say those things.  While unintentional on your part, it could trigger more feelings of guilt/shame/rage with her, too.  I say that because J once told me that it was hard for her to process the 'good' memories with someone she had been romantic with because she would think about what she had done to them and the true self loathing would begin.  How can you ever have a meaningful relationship when you are programmed to think that way?  I can only imagine what living with BPD must be like.

1

Friday, we talked about all the good times we had had together.  But, that like the rest of our 1 year r/s was an illusion too.  The whole time she was walking down memory lane, being affectionate with me, and talking about how much she wanted there to be a future with us, she was also making plans to be with R later that evening and over the weekend.  We were back to being very close Friday, practically enemies by Saturday evening.  I believe, in the moment, she meant what all she said to me Friday night.  If I would've made plans with her Saturday like she had wanted, would we have moved on?  Maybe.  But I chose not to do that because of R.  I had had enough of the so called r/s that I was just ready to move forward.  I miss her, yes.  But why do I miss her?  Thats what I ask myself. 

This time, though, I am not going to seek reconciliation with her.  Life is just to short.  It's painful, but true.  You and I deserve healthy, normal, and mutual respective relationships.  We can't fix them and the misery they would put us through (and already have) just simply isn't worth it.  You can love her with every fiber of your being and with all the power of the universe backing you, but it won't be enough.  Love, alone, will not prevail.  It's just that simple.  Sad but true.

Keep grinding and moving forward, Anez

Your story gives me strength every day.  Uncanny how close our narratives match, but at the end of the day I feel that I will have the same conclusion.   She called me this past week to tell me she was miserable and had a great deal of deep thinking to do. She missed me, loved me and wants us back but she is still with R. If she really felt that way, then I believe a normal person would end things and try to return.  This PD causes them to keep supply and monkey branch all the time, so I can't be in another affair now with her while he is still there. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't keep "waiting" because the wait will never end.

[Anez]

As far as your Hail Mary text, are you sending it as a way to re-establish contact with her?  While your text wasn't hostile, at all, it was emotionally charged.  She may or may not respond to that.  I only ask the purpose of the text because I wasn't sure if you were sending it in hopes of contact (hence, hail mary) or because you felt you needed to say those things.  While unintentional on your part, it could trigger more feelings of guilt/shame/rage with her, too.  I say that because J once told me that it was hard for her to process the 'good' memories with someone she had been romantic with because she would think about what she had done to them and the true self loathing would begin.  How can you ever have a meaningful relationship when you are programmed to think that way?  I can only imagine what living with BPD must be like.

I think I'm sending it for a few reasons. Partly to just contact her and to see how it goes. If it goes how I expect it to go, a nice safe reply that doesn't lean either way, it will help me with closure. I'm able to thank her for the fun times that we had in a nice fashion while not pressuring her either way. I get my words and feelings out there in an adult way. I'm also partly doing it to say hey, i'm still alive and I'm ok expressing my feelings. Even if you treat me like i'm gone, i'm still here. I'm still OK.

I'm also doing it because I'm tired of overthinking things with this situation. I just want to say something from the heart and have it out there and out of me. She wouldn't talk to me after the breakup because it gave her too much anxiety. This will just allow me to get this off my chest. I'm sure my therapist won't be happy about it but it's just something I feel like doing.

And if it triggers anything with her, well, there's more proof that I need to put this behind me and move on.

[Lonely_Astro]

As far as your Hail Mary text, are you sending it as a way to re-establish contact with her?  While your text wasn't hostile, at all, it was emotionally charged.  She may or may not respond to that.  I only ask the purpose of the text because I wasn't sure if you were sending it in hopes of contact (hence, hail mary) or because you felt you needed to say those things.  While unintentional on your part, it could trigger more feelings of guilt/shame/rage with her, too.  I say that because J once told me that it was hard for her to process the 'good' memories with someone she had been romantic with because she would think about what she had done to them and the true self loathing would begin.  How can you ever have a meaningful relationship when you are programmed to think that way?  I can only imagine what living with BPD must be like.

I think I'm sending it for a few reasons. Partly to just contact her and to see how it goes. If it goes how I expect it to go, a nice safe reply that doesn't lean either way, it will help me with closure. I'm able to thank her for the fun times that we had in a nice fashion while not pressuring her either way. I get my words and feelings out there in an adult way. I'm also partly doing it to say hey, i'm still alive and I'm ok expressing my feelings. Even if you treat me like i'm gone, i'm still here. I'm still OK.

I'm also doing it because I'm tired of overthinking things with this situation. I just want to say something from the heart and have it out there and out of me. She wouldn't talk to me after the breakup because it gave her too much anxiety. This will just allow me to get this off my chest. I'm sure my therapist won't be happy about it but it's just something I feel like doing.

And if it triggers anything with her, well, there's more proof that I need to put this behind me and move on.

I get it. I've done the same thing. Today, J responded to what I had sent her yesterday. She agreed that we couldn't be together, minimized R to me, and still was going on and on about how much she loved me (and always would). She said several times that she wasn't with him (an attempt to save face, in my opinion). She went on to say that she knew I'd never trust her no matter how good she was and that she was "so very very sorry" for making me distrust her like that. She said she wished we had a clean slate and that all the bad stuff she's done to me could be erased, even though she knows it can't be. It serves to only be more confusing because of the push/pull I'm receiving with her.

I have no intention to get wrapped up with her again, though. As strong as my trauma bond with her is and as much as I want just another taste of her 'love', I understand I can't. Ultimately, even with meds and DBT, she isn't healthy and isn't healthy for me.  On the other hand, this sucks.

[Anez]

yea, it does suck, astro.

this morning i bumped into my ex-wife, too. We hugged and wished each other a merry christmas. and we both had tears in our eyes as we got back in our cars. wasn't ready for that emotional moment.

with my exBPD i still can't get over how she has NC with me and stuck with it and hear I am thinking of her 90 percent of my days for the last three months. A moment ago i thought about how I haven't been happy in months and that sucks. i need to turn this around. whichever around is.

[Lonely_Astro]

yea, it does suck, astro.

this morning i bumped into my ex-wife, too. We hugged and wished each other a merry christmas. and we both had tears in our eyes as we got back in our cars. wasn't ready for that emotional moment.

with my exBPD i still can't get over how she has NC with me and stuck with it and hear I am thinking of her 90 percent of my days for the last three months. A moment ago i thought about how I haven't been happy in months and that sucks. i need to turn this around. whichever around is.

I had dinner with my ex and my child (that we have together) the other day.  It wasn't a romantic dinner, but I've always gotten along with her.  That was one thing J never liked. She was always jealous that I still 'loved' my ex because we share a child together. She's right, of course, but that makes me realize that J can't comprehend the different levels of loving someone. 

I'm sorry you can't get her out of your head. Read about trauma bonding and it may help you understand a little better as to why you can't stop thinking about her.  I, too, find myself thinking about J more than I should. I wonder what she's doing or if she misses me or if I ever really meant anything. In the end, I know I meant something to her or she wouldn't have been so involved with me.  As messed up as it sounds, I also know I wouldn't have been around long enough to be hurt by her like I have if I didn't mean something to her (up to a point, anyway).  It's a messed up way of her showing me I mean something to her, but that's BPD.

Even now, she doesn't seem to want to let go of me but doesn't want to keep going, either. I had a Christmas gift for her (purchased it long before this mess happened). I asked her if she still wanted it and she said yes. She claims to have mine on order and when I get, I'll see how much I meant to her.  Not sure what it could be, I'm also not sure if it even exist. That is in essence why I could never be with her, I can't trust even the most simple of things she says.  Let alone trusting her on serious issues (where she is, who's she texting, etc).

[Anez]

Just passed by my exBPD who was sitting in the lounge near where i sit. she likes to go there and have lunch and talk with friends and laugh it. She knows i can hear were she's there, but whatever. it's part of our office and she's allowed to sit wherever.

I just said hello barnes, how are you?

she said i'm good, how are you?

and i said i'm good too and kept walking.

then i come back here and continue looking stuff up on BPD and whatnot. ha, she has no idea how much of a mess i've been the past few months.

[Lonely_Astro]

Just passed by my exBPD who was sitting in the lounge near where i sit. she likes to go there and have lunch and talk with friends and laugh it. She knows i can hear were she's there, but whatever. it's part of our office and she's allowed to sit wherever.

I just said hello barnes, how are you?

she said i'm good, how are you?

and i said i'm good too and kept walking.

then i come back here and continue looking stuff up on BPD and whatnot. ha, she has no idea how much of a mess i've been the past few months.

Them knowing is irrelevant. No matter how much a mess you are, they are worse.  I promise.  I had no idea how bad until I had no idea until J and I had an at length discussion during one of her times of lucidity.  She's wearing a mask around people. I guarantee it.

[Anez]

totally agree with the mask, astro. I've seen her without it and it was only when we were alone. At work she always tries to play the loud, fun, tough single mom who can be just one of the guys. But I've been with her through her tears at night when life is overwhelming her and when she needs to ask for help.

but at work she has always been the same way and I know it's mostly an act because I know inside she's churning.

But i still can't get this moment out of my head - we were at a nice hotel in palm springs in Aug. She was on my back in the pool as i slowly walked around the pool, just enjoying the water on a hot day, the good girl on my back, and the fun that we were having.

And now we barely say hello. it's crazy.

[Lonely_Astro]

totally agree with the mask, astro. I've seen her without it and it was only when we were alone. At work she always tries to play the loud, fun, tough single mom who can be just one of the guys. But I've been with her through her tears at night when life is overwhelming her and when she needs to ask for help.

but at work she has always been the same way and I know it's mostly an act because I know inside she's churning.

But i still can't get this moment out of my head - we were at a nice hotel in palm springs in Aug. She was on my back in the pool as i slowly walked around the pool, just enjoying the water on a hot day, the good girl on my back, and the fun that we were having.

And now we barely say hello. it's crazy.

I, too, have a fond memory like that of mine. There was this little cafe that's out of the way I had always dreamt of taking her to. I finally got the chance the evening was absolutely perfect. At the end of the meal, we took a stroll, held hands, and talked about the past and the future. It was simply... .perfect.  I fight that memory just about every day because I want so many more of them. But, if yours is like mine, you have a handful of memories like that. For each good, if you dig, you have several bad memories.  Something that happened.  I know you don't have the history with yours that I do with mine.  Maybe you're lucky and it was mostly good.  Mine, in hindsight, had more bad than good really.

I wanted to trust her, I did.  There was a time that I did.  It was brief, but I did.  Unfortunately my distrust in her isn't unfounded.  I'm sure there were moments she didn't lie to me but there were plenty of times she wasn't 100% honest with me, either.

[Anez]

Astro:

Sent you a private message about the Hail Mary text. Thanks for any advice!