I broke up with uBPD girlfriend, now so many questions and confusion

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, thank you and god bless everyone here for sharing and helping so much. Been reading for a while, all makes sense; the stories, experiences etc. I would appreciate some answers- it's a bit long but i edited a lot and its very direct. thanks.

I would appreciate some help from others experience with a gf/wife with traits of BPD-

I went thru the well know process of starting our r/s: As If I had met my soul mate, the love she showed, the sex, a beautiful woman loving me, showing me off, me showing HER off etc. (yes, I know; I’ve never considered myself handsome, so that part of why I was drawn in and spellbound I understand) Then the first big episode of uncontrolled rage, I now recognize a few red flags, I clearly ignored for the reasons above. Then regret and what I saw and felt was a sincere, contrite apology. This happened several times thru the relationship. Times of total bliss, weeks at a time and then kaboom. Add to this a continual sense of not being appreciated for: helping her in her career, financially, gifts for her kids, gas for her car etc. I didn’t matter if I was very good to her, over the most minimal thing she didn’t like she exploded, even when I asked her I meant nothing to her and the things I did for her.  We went thru: fight, breakup, back together, I’m so sorry, sex, no talk to work things out and back to normal for days or weeks. I few times the episodes were violent and physical. I can also include many of the experiences described by so many here in their relationships with a pwBPD/traits. I left after about a year, we stayed apart for months, she cried and begged me to go back- didn’t go back for 2 months- the worst 2 months of my life, my heart ached for her and we got back together, she promised to change, she didn’t - the bad stuff continued... I started turning into an @hole- I was so resentful for abusing me, my resources, business associates, arrogant , meanness etc., not caring about what I felt- I would just ask her to be nice to me- just treat me like you do total strangers, or your clients… so after a period of 3 to 4 mos , we fought, broke up-got back together… during one of those time she showed up at an event with date- she called her friend- we got back together and she said she had told the friend to not contact her bc she was back with me and didn’t want to have any problems with me, she did tell me he was trying to go out with her etc…after one last violent outburst I ended it - I couldn’t take it anymore... I was losing by concentration at work, missed business opportunities etc. I was miserable but still”loved her”. I come to find out that 3 or 4 days after we broke up she posts on her facebook page pics of new bf, guess who? Yep, the friend. Saying happy for new beginnings and she is finally happy; I was devastated. My questions: is she really happy? Did I put her on silver platter for the other guy by breaking up with her. And was she lining him up bc she was miserable with me and knew/felt it wasn’t going to work out, so she kept him as a back up. ALSO, on the week I broke it off- she told me that she never ever wanted to fight with me again- they were the same words as before, but know I play back the tone of her voice, it sounded defeated, like she was really sincere and ready to start a change. Now I’m left wondering if she really was ready to change and I blew it. If I had not reacted that way we would have talked and things would have been better and now the new guy had the girl I wanted all along…thank for your help.

[IleftBPDgirlf]

Hello, thank you and god bless everyone here for sharing and helping so much. Been reading for a while, all makes sense; the stories, experiences etc. I would appreciate some answers- it's a bit long but i edited a lot and its very direct. thanks.

I would appreciate some help from others experience with a gf/wife with traits of BPD-

I went thru the well know process of starting our r/s: As If I had met my soul mate, the love she showed, the sex, a beautiful woman loving me, showing me off, me showing HER off etc. (yes, I know; I’ve never considered myself handsome, so that part of why I was drawn in and spellbound I understand) Then the first big episode of uncontrolled rage, I now recognize a few red flags, I clearly ignored for the reasons above. Then regret and what I saw and felt was a sincere, contrite apology. This happened several times thru the relationship. Times of total bliss, weeks at a time and then kaboom. Add to this a continual sense of not being appreciated for: helping her in her career, financially, gifts for her kids, gas for her car etc. I didn’t matter if I was very good to her, over the most minimal thing she didn’t like she exploded, even when I asked her I meant nothing to her and the things I did for her.  We went thru: fight, breakup, back together, I’m so sorry, sex, no talk to work things out and back to normal for days or weeks. I few times the episodes were violent and physical. I can also include many of the experiences described by so many here in their relationships with a pwBPD/traits. I left after about a year, we stayed apart for months, she cried and begged me to go back- didn’t go back for 2 months- the worst 2 months of my life, my heart ached for her and we got back together, she promised to change, she didn’t - the bad stuff continued... I started turning into an @hole- I was so resentful for abusing me, my resources, business associates, arrogant , meanness etc., not caring about what I felt- I would just ask her to be nice to me- just treat me like you do total strangers, or your clients… so after a period of 3 to 4 mos , we fought, broke up-got back together… during one of those time she showed up at an event with date- she called her friend- we got back together and she said she had told the friend to not contact her bc she was back with me and didn’t want to have any problems with me, she did tell me he was trying to go out with her etc…after one last violent outburst I ended it - I couldn’t take it anymore... I was losing by concentration at work, missed business opportunities etc. I was miserable but still”loved her”. I come to find out that 3 or 4 days after we broke up she posts on her facebook page pics of new bf, guess who? Yep, the friend. Saying happy for new beginnings and she is finally happy; I was devastated. My questions: is she really happy? Did I put her on silver platter for the other guy by breaking up with her. And was she lining him up bc she was miserable with me and knew/felt it wasn’t going to work out, so she kept him as a back up. ALSO, on the week I broke it off- she told me that she never ever wanted to fight with me again- they were the same words as before, but know I play back the tone of her voice, it sounded defeated, like she was really sincere and ready to start a change. Now I’m left wondering if she really was ready to change and I blew it. If I had not reacted that way we would have talked and things would have been better and now the new guy had the girl I wanted all along…thank for your help.

[C.Stein]

You will be filled with questions and self doubt.  I was and still am, just not as much.  As the FOG starts to lift you will see things more clearly.  Fact of the matter is, if she is pwBPD then the chance of her "changing" on her own is slim to none.  She will put her best foot forward and wear her most appealing mask with a new guy but eventually the mask will slip, it always does.

I know it is hard right now, lot of pain and confusion, it will get better.  Try to step outside of the emotional hurricane that you are feeling and look at the relationship and her objectively.  This will help ground you.

Keep reading and learning.  It does help!

[IleftBPDgirlf]

thank yo... I just had a major set back... .like everything lined up against me... .last night I finally had huge break thru... i felt in control.i actually felt better and understood what happened and then out of the blue - I received a message from her( i had left her unblocked on an app- did know) and she wishes me a merry Christmas... .I freaked out, then calmed doen talked myself out of it ad forgetting it-- but then this morning a i broke down and responded... i wished her one too and all she said was "thank you" then I couldn't help my self and sent her a message asking her "why she had messaged me" wow, he answer was so cold... .she wrote "please don't start with your questions, it was just a merry Christmas message as you read it"  what? Merry Christmas after she's living with another guy 3 days after we broke up? these people are cruel... .i'm back below the ground now... .

[C.Stein]

Don't read too much into it man.  At least she is thinking of you.  My ex could probably care less if I died today. 

Just see it as a nice gesture and keep moving forward.    I know it is hard to not read into it but try not to.   There will be days where everything looks good and days when you feel like the end of the world is at your doorstep, contact from her or not.    You are out of the nightmare now.   Hold your head high and believe in yourself and believe that you deserve better.

 

[IleftBPDgirlf]

thanks... .I did it again... .I honestly couldn't control myself... .I had so many questions... .bc, after I broke up with her, finally for the last time ( after 20 times... .just being honest) I'd had enough... and then bam! the new guy in the picture in 3 or 4 days etc... .well what the heck? I did not contact her, went thru pain, reading, signed up here etc. no contact, just knowing I had to get thru this... .well, I had to write back here's how it went.

me: don't start with my questions? you write to me as if nothing happened and you tell me to "not start with my questions'?

Her: (after ! hr.) i was just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Me: Ok, thanks and a thumbs up emoticon.

haven't heard from her since... .

I confided in a friend and that friend told me there aren't any new pictures of her and new guy on social media, or any new ones at all for that matter, for over a week, after their trip.

[babyducks]

hi IleftBPDgirl,

people who suffer from the traits of BPD have poor and porous boundaries and low object consistency.   which is a fancy and technical way of saying they process feelings and emotions differently than we do.   they have low impulse control and low ability to empathize.

which is why she ~can~ write to you as if nothing happened.   understanding that probably won't make you feel any better.  it wouldn't me.

what will help over time is to put strong boundaries of your own into place.   both external boundaries like NC or LC and internal boundaries like vigorously managing your own expectations around communications with her.   

if you are feeling raw and confused, instead of reaching out to her, reach out to other safer support networks.  people here, your friends,   your therapist if you have one.   

what do you think?   does that sound like something you could find helpful?

'ducks