On the cusp of pushing my wife out the door...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Where to start... .

Well, I am a Christian man and my wife is a Christian woman and we have been married for eight and a half years.  However, they have been a tumultuous eight and a half years and only recently did we decide to get actual professional help. We have been in counseling every single year of our marriage and most marriage counselors start off the typical way where the man is bad at being a husband and not listening to the wife's feelings, ad nauseum. But every counselor became awestruck with how our relationship was so different.  When they went through their discovery process, they all knew something was off with my wife.  The professional help we sought about five months ago came through a psychologist who was recommended by a friend of ours who is a therapist.  

This psychologist met with the two of us a couple of times and eventually ran out of things to talk about.  My wife shut down when I finally said that I did not feel emotionally safe in the marriage. When my wife couldn't go to a counseling session, the psychologist jumped at the chance to have a session with me alone.  In that session, she and I were able to speak openly without fear of repercussions from my wife.  It is then that she mentioned that it is possible that my wife suffers from BPD.  She recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and validated my concerns in the marriage.  The psychologist encouraged me to "be me" and not let my wife dictate my emotions and moods.

The history of my wife reveals a perfect cocktail required to produce a typical high-functioning BPD.  She was born to a mother who was 17 years old, who was quasi-forced to be married to the man who got her pregnant (20) and they tried to have a normal marriage.  My wife's mother wanted to run away from this responsibility and did just that when her husband decided to go to work one day, walk off the job, then right back to his parents house where he still lives, roughly 40 years later.  This experiment didn't last but six months.  

My wife was dropped off with her mother's mother (maternal grandmother) as a young child (perhaps less than 2) where she stayed for several years.  Her mother ran off and partied while her dad continued to be unemployed and live at home.  When my wife's grandmother's husband got sick from cancer, my wife was shipped off to live with her dad and paternal grandparents. This was when she was probably six.  She stayed there until she was twelve and was ripped away from her dad's custodianship due to him sexually abusing her for several years.  

After enduring that, she went to live with her mother again.  This time with an abusive step-father (verbal) and her mom drank constantly.  By this time, her mom had three more children with the abusive father.  My wife is the only child who was white while her siblings were much younger and mixed.  This is only relevant only in that it seems to have shown her that she is different again.  Her step-dad never let her forget she was different while deriding everyone around him.  

For two years, my wife dealt this situation that was out of her control.  She cried "grandma" and her maternal grandmother was able to rescue her from that situation.  But grandmothers aren't the best at rearing their grandchildren and as such, she had more freedom than she really needed.  She began dating a guy at 14 who was 19, a druggie, a thief, and a generally bad dude. He couldn't keep a job, would disappear every few months to go on a drug binge and engage in homosexual activity (no judgement, but its not something my wife signed up for), steal from his friends.  She wound up getting married to him after 5 years and they lived together for 3 after that.  When he was done dragging her through the mud, she had had enough and separated.  A year or so after, while still legally married, she moved in with a guy and dated him for three years.  He was an ok guy from what I gather, but he had some issues being an immigrant from Eastern Europe. She split from him and lived on her own for a couple of years.  

She had started working as a real estate appraiser when she was with her husband and it eventually became a good source of income for her.  She was much slower than everyone else, stressed the details when her boss told her not to, had massive anxiety that never went away when it was time to do an inspection.   She would sometimes work day and night to finish her work after procrastinating for weeks leading up to the deadline.

At 28, she met me (25 at the time) while I was working at a local restaurant.  We had a pretty quick courtship that went well.  There were a couple of small signs that I might be going for a rough ride, but otherwise, I figured we had God on our side and we could work through it. We went through premarital counseling like everyone does.  We got married, and like a light was flipped, ___ got dark real fast. She almost immediately dis-engaged, became very demanding of me and incredibly unreasonable.  Within months, we were doing marriage counseling trying to figure out why I couldn't make her happy.  We went through other marriage counselors who tried to figure out why she was so irrational about things. In general, there was no pleasing her. If I tried to do things the right way, I was criticized for not doing it right the first time. She would start arguments about the smallest of things, let them blow up, and then not forget about them for days.  Other times, she would get pissed off at me and the next morning, it is like all was forgiven.

The common theme is that her behavior is erratic, she is terrified of me leaving, then she pushes me away, then wants me to stay, then she sets up situations I will always fail at, she has expectations that are impossible to meet, she doesn't have any friends, she hates the way I behave (I am a gregarious fellow and people befriend me very easily), she ridicules me in public (this one gets my goat the most) and is very disrespectful.  The whole time she has complained that she can't work anymore, that waking up is too difficult for her, everyone is against her, nothing is her fault.  I work hard to keep a roof over our head and earn 80% of our income, yet she doesn't want to contribute or feels she can't contribute.  She constantly complains that we aren't "close" enough, yet won't allow me to get close to her.  When I take something she does or says to heart, I am a pussy and need to man up.  When I just try to ignore her poor behavior, I get accused of ignoring her and "see, you don't want me anymore."  She is the judge, jury and executioner well before I have offered up an opinion or thought to anything. When we disagree about the stupidest things, she automatically thinks that I think she is stupid, then an I am an ass for not agreeing with her.  She quits before trying stuff because she knows she will fail.  When I accidentally break something of hers (car key) she treats me as if I did it on purpose and won't let go of it, ever. She accuses me of not caring about people (hardly the truth).  She tells me I am cold and disinterested.  That I am selfish.  She refuses to take responsibility for her part in any argument ("You make me act this way".  She keeps score of everything.  If it is suggested that she goes to therapy, then I must as well, otherwise it is unfair.  She gets smug and self-satisfied when she thinks she blasted me in public, in front of my family or friends. Our house is cluttered with her stuff.  "You always" is thrown around all the time.  I can't change my mind about anything and if I do, I am being weird or lying about it. I can't hardly tell what is up or down.  Within minutes, she is changing her story or changing facts to fit her feelings. Then I question my sanity. I can't have a sense of humor.  Everything out of my mouth is sarcastic to her and mean even though most everyone disagrees.  I am the bully to her, yet she is the one who throws stuff at me.  God, the list could go on and on.  We have no children, fortunately.  

My group of friends see what is going on and support me fully.  My mom, of course, wants me to be healthy and is on my side.  My cousin's family who met her once on a vacation and shared about a week together had his kids ask him why my wife was so mean to me. Her uncle just told me that he wouldn't blame me if I wound up leaving the marriage because she is so difficult and that she definitely married up by marrying me in the first place.

I have only wanted peace in our house.  I am physically suffering now because of this emotional roller coaster.  I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis which is induced by immense stress.  The psoriasis is dormant usually and big stressful events or being subject to constant stress bring out the condition, often suddenly.  Well, three years ago I was working with a boss that was almost as wild and erratic as my wife.  Between the two, I began to get breakouts of internal psoriasis and I literally lost a full step in walking around doing basic tasks.  All my major joints were affected and I felt like I was hit by a truck.  At 33, this is not normal.  I firmly believe that between that job and my wife (no longer at that job), the psoriatic arthritis was brought out.  I am on medication now and the psoriasis, though spotty, is pretty much contained.  I am also able to go out and work on cars and other various projects now.  Not 100%, but 80% anyway.  We are still working on the right medicines, but I am confident I can get to feeling much better.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a pretty big meltdown and she threatened to leave (about the 5th time in 2015 she has threatened to leave and go up to her dad's).  Its always the same: "I'm no good for you, you want peace, you deserve better, why can't you just not make me crazy, etc."  We met with a couple that is really close to the both of us and they are a good bit older than us.  :)uring this three hour discussion, a plan was laid out that we would separate but live together (because my wife isn't interested in an actual separation, if she leaves the house, she "goes for good".  

We would seek individual counseling, interact in non-threatening situations, and give it a year to see some progress.  She wasn't to keep score and she was finally convinced her that her working on her self and her issues would benefit the whole world around her, just like it would benefit my whole world when I work on me with a counselor. Most of this plan hinged on a pastor of ours who deals with drug and substance abuse addiction would take her back.  My wife admitted that while it was hard for her to work with him, she felt better and felt progress.  This, of course, in retrospect after she sabotaged the counseling sessions and blew up that relationship.

True to form, the pastor has refused to counsel her any longer because he doesn't feel qualified (which might be true).  Now we are forced to spend money that I don't have to get her into some counseling.  After this news, my wife took another tumble towards the negative and over the past few days has been incredibly combative.  Her bouts of anger are borne out of a meaningless situation, usually, and then 15 minutes later, she wonders why I am still stunned.  She cuts me off, refuses to let me speak, controls the situation with her bombastic outbursts and makes it generally a hostile place to be.  

Her upbringing is not her fault.  She was a victim in multiple areas and deserves love.  But my ability to handle this craziness is waning.  She once had a good job that earned her good money, yet now she works part time at a retail store.  She has alienated many people in her life so she has no support structure.  She doesn't trust anyone really.  She feels more alone now than ever before (it seems).  

I guess all of this to say, I feel incredibly sad for her.  I know that it's not my responsibility to fix her.  I never wanted to.  My whole goal, once I realized the chaos I was living in, was to provide a stable and secure place for her to thrive and grow.  I would show her what stability and loyalty looked like.  Instead, it has absolutely backfired and her chaos is a staple in our household.  I have wasted eight years when I should have pushed her to get help at least six years ago.  No crying over spilled milk I know.  

She has no idea that she has BPD but does acknowledge that she has a messed up past.  She knows that her emotions run her life but has no mechanism for dealing with it.  I know you can't tell someone that they have BPD.  They have to discover it on their own.  The reading I have done suggests that most women like my wife get into their mid-50s before they realize they have an issue that needs attention.  I can't wait another 17 years for that to happen.

I guess I am at a crossroads.  We have put a one year limit on continuing our marriage like this. After that, we would simply split and figure out how to go our separate ways. Again, this all hinged on her getting therapy.  The constant back and forth of things being ok one minute and not the next is killing me.

I just can't help but think I am delaying the inevitable.  

[marshallnoise]

Where to start... .

Well, I am a Christian man and my wife is a Christian woman and we have been married for eight and a half years.  However, they have been a tumultuous eight and a half years and only recently did we decide to get actual professional help. We have been in counseling every single year of our marriage and most marriage counselors start off the typical way where the man is bad at being a husband and not listening to the wife's feelings, ad nauseum. But every counselor became awestruck with how our relationship was so different.  When they went through their discovery process, they all knew something was off with my wife.  The professional help we sought about five months ago came through a psychologist who was recommended by a friend of ours who is a therapist.  

This psychologist met with the two of us a couple of times and eventually ran out of things to talk about.  My wife shut down when I finally said that I did not feel emotionally safe in the marriage. When my wife couldn't go to a counseling session, the psychologist jumped at the chance to have a session with me alone.  In that session, she and I were able to speak openly without fear of repercussions from my wife.  It is then that she mentioned that it is possible that my wife suffers from BPD.  She recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and validated my concerns in the marriage.  The psychologist encouraged me to "be me" and not let my wife dictate my emotions and moods.

The history of my wife reveals a perfect cocktail required to produce a typical high-functioning BPD.  She was born to a mother who was 17 years old, who was quasi-forced to be married to the man who got her pregnant (20) and they tried to have a normal marriage.  My wife's mother wanted to run away from this responsibility and did just that when her husband decided to go to work one day, walk off the job, then right back to his parents house where he still lives, roughly 40 years later.  This experiment didn't last but six months.  

My wife was dropped off with her mother's mother (maternal grandmother) as a young child (perhaps less than 2) where she stayed for several years.  Her mother ran off and partied while her dad continued to be unemployed and live at home.  When my wife's grandmother's husband got sick from cancer, my wife was shipped off to live with her dad and paternal grandparents. This was when she was probably six.  She stayed there until she was twelve and was ripped away from her dad's custodianship due to him sexually abusing her for several years.  

After enduring that, she went to live with her mother again.  This time with an abusive step-father (verbal) and her mom drank constantly.  By this time, her mom had three more children with the abusive father.  My wife is the only child who was white while her siblings were much younger and mixed.  This is only relevant only in that it seems to have shown her that she is different again.  Her step-dad never let her forget she was different while deriding everyone around him.  

For two years, my wife dealt this situation that was out of her control.  She cried "grandma" and her maternal grandmother was able to rescue her from that situation.  But grandmothers aren't the best at rearing their grandchildren and as such, she had more freedom than she really needed.  She began dating a guy at 14 who was 19, a druggie, a thief, and a generally bad dude. He couldn't keep a job, would disappear every few months to go on a drug binge and engage in homosexual activity (no judgement, but its not something my wife signed up for), steal from his friends.  She wound up getting married to him after 5 years and they lived together for 3 after that.  When he was done dragging her through the mud, she had had enough and separated.  A year or so after, while still legally married, she moved in with a guy and dated him for three years.  He was an ok guy from what I gather, but he had some issues being an immigrant from Eastern Europe. She split from him and lived on her own for a couple of years.  

She had started working as a real estate appraiser when she was with her husband and it eventually became a good source of income for her.  She was much slower than everyone else, stressed the details when her boss told her not to, had massive anxiety that never went away when it was time to do an inspection.   She would sometimes work day and night to finish her work after procrastinating for weeks leading up to the deadline.

At 28, she met me (25 at the time) while I was working at a local restaurant.  We had a pretty quick courtship that went well.  There were a couple of small signs that I might be going for a rough ride, but otherwise, I figured we had God on our side and we could work through it. We went through premarital counseling like everyone does.  We got married, and like a light was flipped, ___ got dark real fast. She almost immediately dis-engaged, became very demanding of me and incredibly unreasonable.  Within months, we were doing marriage counseling trying to figure out why I couldn't make her happy.  We went through other marriage counselors who tried to figure out why she was so irrational about things. In general, there was no pleasing her. If I tried to do things the right way, I was criticized for not doing it right the first time. She would start arguments about the smallest of things, let them blow up, and then not forget about them for days.  Other times, she would get pissed off at me and the next morning, it is like all was forgiven.

The common theme is that her behavior is erratic, she is terrified of me leaving, then she pushes me away, then wants me to stay, then she sets up situations I will always fail at, she has expectations that are impossible to meet, she doesn't have any friends, she hates the way I behave (I am a gregarious fellow and people befriend me very easily), she ridicules me in public (this one gets my goat the most) and is very disrespectful.  The whole time she has complained that she can't work anymore, that waking up is too difficult for her, everyone is against her, nothing is her fault.  I work hard to keep a roof over our head and earn 80% of our income, yet she doesn't want to contribute or feels she can't contribute.  She constantly complains that we aren't "close" enough, yet won't allow me to get close to her.  When I take something she does or says to heart, I am a pussy and need to man up.  When I just try to ignore her poor behavior, I get accused of ignoring her and "see, you don't want me anymore."  She is the judge, jury and executioner well before I have offered up an opinion or thought to anything. When we disagree about the stupidest things, she automatically thinks that I think she is stupid, then an I am an ass for not agreeing with her.  She quits before trying stuff because she knows she will fail.  When I accidentally break something of hers (car key) she treats me as if I did it on purpose and won't let go of it, ever. She accuses me of not caring about people (hardly the truth).  She tells me I am cold and disinterested.  That I am selfish.  She refuses to take responsibility for her part in any argument ("You make me act this way".  She keeps score of everything.  If it is suggested that she goes to therapy, then I must as well, otherwise it is unfair.  She gets smug and self-satisfied when she thinks she blasted me in public, in front of my family or friends. Our house is cluttered with her stuff.  "You always" is thrown around all the time.  I can't change my mind about anything and if I do, I am being weird or lying about it. I can't hardly tell what is up or down.  Within minutes, she is changing her story or changing facts to fit her feelings. Then I question my sanity. I can't have a sense of humor.  Everything out of my mouth is sarcastic to her and mean even though most everyone disagrees.  I am the bully to her, yet she is the one who throws stuff at me.  God, the list could go on and on.  We have no children, fortunately.  

My group of friends see what is going on and support me fully.  My mom, of course, wants me to be healthy and is on my side.  My cousin's family who met her once on a vacation and shared about a week together had his kids ask him why my wife was so mean to me. Her uncle just told me that he wouldn't blame me if I wound up leaving the marriage because she is so difficult and that she definitely married up by marrying me in the first place.

I have only wanted peace in our house.  I am physically suffering now because of this emotional roller coaster.  I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis which is induced by immense stress.  The psoriasis is dormant usually and big stressful events or being subject to constant stress bring out the condition, often suddenly.  Well, three years ago I was working with a boss that was almost as wild and erratic as my wife.  Between the two, I began to get breakouts of internal psoriasis and I literally lost a full step in walking around doing basic tasks.  All my major joints were affected and I felt like I was hit by a truck.  At 33, this is not normal.  I firmly believe that between that job and my wife (no longer at that job), the psoriatic arthritis was brought out.  I am on medication now and the psoriasis, though spotty, is pretty much contained.  I am also able to go out and work on cars and other various projects now.  Not 100%, but 80% anyway.  We are still working on the right medicines, but I am confident I can get to feeling much better.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a pretty big meltdown and she threatened to leave (about the 5th time in 2015 she has threatened to leave and go up to her dad's).  Its always the same: "I'm no good for you, you want peace, you deserve better, why can't you just not make me crazy, etc."  We met with a couple that is really close to the both of us and they are a good bit older than us.  :)uring this three hour discussion, a plan was laid out that we would separate but live together (because my wife isn't interested in an actual separation, if she leaves the house, she "goes for good".  

We would seek individual counseling, interact in non-threatening situations, and give it a year to see some progress.  She wasn't to keep score and she was finally convinced her that her working on her self and her issues would benefit the whole world around her, just like it would benefit my whole world when I work on me with a counselor. Most of this plan hinged on a pastor of ours who deals with drug and substance abuse addiction would take her back.  My wife admitted that while it was hard for her to work with him, she felt better and felt progress.  This, of course, in retrospect after she sabotaged the counseling sessions and blew up that relationship.

True to form, the pastor has refused to counsel her any longer because he doesn't feel qualified (which might be true).  Now we are forced to spend money that I don't have to get her into some counseling.  After this news, my wife took another tumble towards the negative and over the past few days has been incredibly combative.  Her bouts of anger are borne out of a meaningless situation, usually, and then 15 minutes later, she wonders why I am still stunned.  She cuts me off, refuses to let me speak, controls the situation with her bombastic outbursts and makes it generally a hostile place to be.  

Her upbringing is not her fault.  She was a victim in multiple areas and deserves love.  But my ability to handle this craziness is waning.  She once had a good job that earned her good money, yet now she works part time at a retail store.  She has alienated many people in her life so she has no support structure.  She doesn't trust anyone really.  She feels more alone now than ever before (it seems).  

I guess all of this to say, I feel incredibly sad for her.  I know that it's not my responsibility to fix her.  I never wanted to.  My whole goal, once I realized the chaos I was living in, was to provide a stable and secure place for her to thrive and grow.  I would show her what stability and loyalty looked like.  Instead, it has absolutely backfired and her chaos is a staple in our household.  I have wasted eight years when I should have pushed her to get help at least six years ago.  No crying over spilled milk I know.  

She has no idea that she has BPD but does acknowledge that she has a messed up past.  She knows that her emotions run her life but has no mechanism for dealing with it.  I know you can't tell someone that they have BPD.  They have to discover it on their own.  The reading I have done suggests that most women like my wife get into their mid-50s before they realize they have an issue that needs attention.  I can't wait another 17 years for that to happen.

I guess I am at a crossroads.  We have put a one year limit on continuing our marriage like this. After that, we would simply split and figure out how to go our separate ways. Again, this all hinged on her getting therapy.  The constant back and forth of things being ok one minute and not the next is killing me.

I just can't help but think I am delaying the inevitable.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ProKonig]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Insanely tough.

Just a note on the 'living together but separated' thing, I feel like that may not be optimal for solving those 'fear of abandonment' issues. I am not qualified to tell you what a good course of action is... .but from my personal experience, as hard as it is, maybe it is better to give some real space. Of course, while making yourself available... .but not available for the wrong situations (hard balance to strike I know). She clearly has lost sense of herself. As you say, it sounds like she was hold down a decent job and had a life but this has eroded over time.

I gather one of the issues with BPD is the closer you are (physically and emotionally) the more likely extreme behaviour will manifest. Maybe you need some time to step away from the situation and assess. It's easier to accurately assess the size and strength of the storm from satellites while sat inside the weather centre... .rather than while inside the eye of the storm.

My personal belief is, you have to save yourself before you can save someone else. You wouldn't want to see a counsellor who is emotionally crippled and on the brink of collapse would you? Most of us would (pardon the cliché) take a bullet for our loved ones, but there's a point when the sacrifice is nonsensical. The gun has infinite bullets and it turns out your partner is the one in control of the trigger (but alas, they have no control over their trigger finger). The bullets are never going to hit them, and you're try to rationalise with the gun. Just start dodging some of the bullets. Better yet... .just get out the way of it

[marshallnoise]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Insanely tough.

Just a note on the 'living together but separated' thing, I feel like that may not be optimal for solving those 'fear of abandonment' issues. I am not qualified to tell you what a good course of action is... .but from my personal experience, as hard as it is, maybe it is better to give some real space. Of course, while making yourself available... .but not available for the wrong situations (hard balance to strike I know). She clearly has lost sense of herself. As you say, it sounds like she was hold down a decent job and had a life but this has eroded over time.

I gather one of the issues with BPD is the closer you are (physically and emotionally) the more likely extreme behaviour will manifest. Maybe you need some time to step away from the situation and assess. It's easier to accurately assess the size and strength of the storm from satellites while sat inside the weather centre... .rather than while inside the eye of the storm.

My personal belief is, you have to save yourself before you can save someone else. You wouldn't want to see a counsellor who is emotionally crippled and on the brink of collapse would you? Most of us would (pardon the cliché) take a bullet for our loved ones, but there's a point when the sacrifice is nonsensical. The gun has infinite bullets and it turns out your partner is the one in control of the trigger (but alas, they have no control over their trigger finger). The bullets are never going to hit them, and you're try to rationalise with the gun. Just start dodging some of the bullets. Better yet... .just get out the way of it

Thanks ProKonig.  I appreciate your response and you are right.  A legitimate separation would be a good thing for us.  Everything in this relationship is a fine balance.  Of course, it's a one-sided balancing act.  Much like your analogy with the gun and her having control over the trigger, she is changing the tension on the wire.

One of the great parts about the Eggshells book is that it really reinforces the fact that you can only save yourself and it is only your own behavior that you can change.  I always knew that, but driving the point home is great for me.  I know I have co-dependency issues as do most spouses of BPDs and I can see the benefit of therapy for myself.  Getting out of the way of the bullet is great advise. 

Thanks again.

[livednlearned]

Hi marshallnoise,

It's telling when the stress starts to manifest as a physical illness. I hope you're doing ok, and able to restore your health back to balance. It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship and not be emotionally injured by it, and it sounds like you are taking steps to make yourself and your health a priority.

Are there common patterns or triggers when she threatens to leave? What happens before, during, and after a blow out?

[marshallnoise]

Hi marshallnoise,

It's telling when the stress starts to manifest as a physical illness. I hope you're doing ok, and able to restore your health back to balance. It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship and not be emotionally injured by it, and it sounds like you are taking steps to make yourself and your health a priority.

Are there common patterns or triggers when she threatens to leave? What happens before, during, and after a blow out?

Hello livednlearned.  I don't have much of a choice about taking care of myself at this point.  Fortunately, I have a pretty strong sense of self.  Because of this though, I have a tendency to sacrifice myself too much.  It's not just with my wife, but its with my church and at times friends.  In some respects, you could call me a people pleaser.  However, I never fail to be myself and people always know where I stand.  WYSIWYG, right?

The biggest trigger that causes me to react unfavorably to her is when she ridicules me in front of other people.  The main event that spurned our meeting that made the 1 year arrangement was over an incident that happened a few days earlier in our homegroup.  We were reading in Daniel and the concept of being blessed by God by giving glory to Him was being made.  My wife, who was sitting next to me, turned 90 degrees to my face, slapped my back and blurted out loud "Yeah _____, maybe if you tithed what you were supposed to God would bless you in your life!"  Awkward silence from everyone around me.  These are some of my closest friends.  They know my financial situation and how I am the only one in our house paying for stuff (I live paycheck to paycheck). We are a tight but fairly irreverent group of people so I wasn't embarrassed by the outburst. They are also quasi-used to her comments.  The crap-eating grin and self-satisfaction on her face after saying it is what disturbed me the most. 

I was distraught all day at work and really shaken that someone whom I am supposed to trust continues to pull this crap. I didn't say anything about it until the following evening, in the privacy of our home.  I told her that I wasn't happy with what she said.  She then proceeded to blow it off, thinking that no one heard her (I confirmed with 5 of the 8 other people there that they heard it and thought it was bad), called me too sensitive, and that it was a true statement and she has no problem telling the truth about it. I said that under no circumstances is it ok for her to do what she did.  She got angry and then it rabbit trailed into madness.

We had our meeting with our homegroup leaders after the outburst (that we set the 1 year time table with).  They suggested the separation within the home because my wife was unwilling to move out with out being "gone for good." That evening, she became despondent and depressed.  She was angry that she was told to not have any interactions with me that would cause a fight.  She would say out loud that "I am not sure I can handle this right now." She stomped around in a huff.  I climbed into the bed (she is sleeping on the couch, her back she says) and got ready to go to sleep.  She comes in and sits on the edge of the bed and cries to me saying that she doesn't know if she can do this.  Its too difficult for her.  She is scared that I (me) won't to my part and that it is all on her.  That if she doesn't change, things will end.  "What's the point?" "You are going to leave me anyway!" "You deserve better than this."  "You want peace, you always say you want peace and I am chaos." "Some people are better at handling chaos, and you can't handle it as well as I (her) do." 

Most times start off with anger with her, then sadness, back to anger, then sadness. 

Another occurrence happened when I had asked her one morning, "What are you up to today?  I am planning on working on my car today."  She always asks why I ask without giving me an answer. I restated that I was planning on working on my car.  She said, "Why?"  I had to spell it out that I was just letting her know my plans and was curious what her plans were. This way, if she had any expectations, we could work around each-others schedule. She got upset about this.  It eventually diffused. 

Later that evening, we were coming back from homegroup (it tends to be after we are with people in a group setting) with a buddy of mine in the car and he asked me "What's in the back of the car?" I asked "Why? You hear sloshing around?"  He said, "Yeah." I said, "Yeah, its just a jug of anti-freeze."  To which my wife lost her freaking mind over it. She said, "You answered his question! Why don't you ever answer mine!"  It was then two hours of one-sided bashing of me as a husband because I wouldn't answer her "why."  Never mind the situations were completely different.  I tried reasoning with her for about 15 minutes, then it went on, and on, and on.  She said, "If its going to be like this, then we should just quit this." She then got angry and stormed back and forth telling me that the earliest she could leave is mid-December (it was right before Thanksgiving).  I said, "Ok, let me know if there is anything I can do." Dumb thing to say.  I really wasn't trying to stir the pot.  She demands responses, so I tried to respond in the most non-committal way possible. "Now you want me to leave? Great!"  Back to crying and feeling unworthy of my love. She says I am a great guy and that she can't help the way she acts.

In my office I have a sliding mirror that hides a closet.  During the above outburst she wrote a directive to me, "When your wife needs clarification, give it to her." Its still up there.

[marshallnoise]

FYI, neither one of us has cheated on each other.  Neither one of us has substance abuse issues either.

[Leo313]

n.

The common theme is that her behavior is erratic, she is terrified of me leaving, then she pushes me away, then wants me to stay, then she sets up situations I will always fail at, she has expectations that are impossible to meet, she doesn't have any friends, she hates the way I behave (I am a gregarious fellow and people befriend me very easily), she ridicules me in public (this one gets my goat the most) and is very disrespectful.  The whole time she has complained that she can't work anymore, that waking up is too difficult for her, everyone is against her, nothing is her fault.  I work hard to keep a roof over our head and earn 80% of our income, yet she doesn't want to contribute or feels she can't contribute.  She constantly complains that we aren't "close" enough, yet won't allow me to get close to her.  When I take something she does or says to heart, I am a pussy and need to man up.  When I just try to ignore her poor behavior, I get accused of ignoring her and "see, you don't want me anymore."  She is the judge, jury and executioner well before I have offered up an opinion or thought to anything. When we disagree about the stupidest things, she automatically thinks that I think she is stupid, then an I am an ass for not agreeing with her.  She quits before trying stuff because she knows she will fail.  When I accidentally break something of hers (car key) she treats me as if I did it on purpose and won't let go of it, ever. She accuses me of not caring about people (hardly the truth).  She tells me I am cold and disinterested.  That I am selfish.  She refuses to take responsibility for her part in any argument ("You make me act this way".  She keeps score of everything.  If it is suggested that she goes to therapy, then I must as well, otherwise it is unfair.  She gets smug and self-satisfied when she thinks she blasted me in public, in front of my family or friends. Our house is cluttered with her stuff.  "You always" is thrown around all the time.  I can't change my mind about anything and if I do, I am being weird or lying about it. I can't hardly tell what is up or down.  Within minutes, she is changing her story or changing facts to fit her feelings. Then I question my sanity. I can't have a sense of humor.  Everything out of my mouth is sarcastic to her and mean even though most everyone disagrees.  God, the list could go on and on.  We have no children, fortunately.  

I have only wanted peace in our house.  I am physically suffering now because of this emotional roller coaster.  

I just can't help but think I am delaying the inevitable.  

Marshallnoise,

I this is exactly how I am treated, I felt like I had typed this. But I am never right, everything is my fault and always has some drama. I am in your same boat, the only thing you can do is work on you (most productive) that is what I am doing. I don't want to leave and take my marriage vows pretty seriously but she does not IMO and does not feel the same unconditional love I have for her. I hope things get better for you and it will it just takes time.

[Pinkcandy777]

Praying for u brother I too am saved Christian. My husband has BPD

[Dawnieq]

Reading this actually is making me cry. I could of wrote it with exception of he kicks me out of the home I pay for when it comes to that point. Its been 3 yrs. Its been about 1 1/2 when the outbursts started. Ridiculous fights over crazy untruths. Only once in awhile but now it's developed to a minimum of a cpl times a week. (these can be fleeting and only last mins to a few hrs upto at least 2 times a mtg he is kicking me or his his brother who is our roommate out) last night was aimed at his brother and resulted in my house being trashed and doors broken and ripped off hindges. His brother is at hotel with his belongings. He doesn't want to come back if this is going to happen again and I don't blame him. My boyfriend can't keep a job because of the rage episodes so I make 90%+  of the income. I can't afford the home alone and will lose my home and my dog (pitbull is hard to find a place to rent with plus I have a huskey mix too)

He's such a smart amazing person and really when he's not "off the deep end" is the greatest man I've ever been with (which is why the 1st 2 years were pretty much wonderful and we planned to marry etc and would be if $ hadnt started to become an issue) I'm so sorry this is happening to you too. I'm lost as to what to do now

[ProKonig]

My situation is less serious. We are both young and luckily have separate apartments anyway... .it was easy to defend myself from the abuse. But it highlights the insane difficulties you face just by have such a difficult economic situation.

I think if it gets too extreme you should consider alternate living arrangements, as difficult as it may seem to arrange. You can't use children, houses or dogs as excuses for living in such a emotionally devastating situation. Take care of yourself please  

If you take your marriage vows seriously, I understand. Separation of accommodation does not mean the end... .maybe that part of them that you love and loves you will be screaming at them, 'What have you done?' From there, you already know what needs to be fixed for you to be together. The split may seem dramatic and horrible, like the beginning of the end. But maybe it'll be the beginning of the 'fix' instead.

If it's too much to take... .don't take it. To paraphrase Einstein... .same thing over and over, expect different results, insanity... .

[Knight]

She sets up situations I will always fail at, she has expectations that are impossible to meet, she doesn't have any friends, she hates the way I behave (I am a gregarious fellow and people befriend me very easily), she ridicules me in public (this one gets my goat the most) and is very disrespectful.  The whole time she has complained that she can't work anymore, that waking up is too difficult for her, everyone is against her, nothing is her fault.  I work hard to keep a roof over our head and earn 80% of our income, yet she doesn't want to contribute or feels she can't contribute.  She constantly complains that we aren't "close" enough, yet won't allow me to get close to her.  When I take something she does or says to heart, I am a pussy and need to man up.  When I just try to ignore her poor behavior, I get accused of ignoring her and "see, you don't want me anymore."  She is the judge, jury and executioner well before I have offered up an opinion or thought to anything. When we disagree about the stupidest things, she automatically thinks that I think she is stupid, then an I am an ass for not agreeing with her.  She quits before trying stuff because she knows she will fail.  When I accidentally break something of hers (car key) she treats me as if I did it on purpose and won't let go of it, ever. She accuses me of not caring about people (hardly the truth).  She tells me I am cold and disinterested.  That I am selfish.  She refuses to take responsibility for her part in any argument ("You make me act this way".  She keeps score of everything.  If it is suggested that she goes to therapy, then I must as well, otherwise it is unfair.  She gets smug and self-satisfied when she thinks she blasted me in public, in front of my family or friends. Our house is cluttered with her stuff.  "You always" is thrown around all the time.  I can't change my mind about anything and if I do, I am being weird or lying about it.  

This is freaking so so so so so so familiar.  I feel as if your wife and my girlfriend are the same person (not literally).  You are not alone brother; sounds like lots of us are faced with this behavior.  Thanks for writing it out like you did.  I am not alone in this.  You also mentioned the word 'Peace'.  That's the word I use daily.  I just want a string of peaceful days.

[marshallnoise]

She sets up situations I will always fail at, she has expectations that are impossible to meet, she doesn't have any friends, she hates the way I behave (I am a gregarious fellow and people befriend me very easily), she ridicules me in public (this one gets my goat the most) and is very disrespectful.  The whole time she has complained that she can't work anymore, that waking up is too difficult for her, everyone is against her, nothing is her fault.  I work hard to keep a roof over our head and earn 80% of our income, yet she doesn't want to contribute or feels she can't contribute.  She constantly complains that we aren't "close" enough, yet won't allow me to get close to her.  When I take something she does or says to heart, I am a pussy and need to man up.  When I just try to ignore her poor behavior, I get accused of ignoring her and "see, you don't want me anymore."  She is the judge, jury and executioner well before I have offered up an opinion or thought to anything. When we disagree about the stupidest things, she automatically thinks that I think she is stupid, then an I am an ass for not agreeing with her.  She quits before trying stuff because she knows she will fail.  When I accidentally break something of hers (car key) she treats me as if I did it on purpose and won't let go of it, ever. She accuses me of not caring about people (hardly the truth).  She tells me I am cold and disinterested.  That I am selfish.  She refuses to take responsibility for her part in any argument ("You make me act this way".  She keeps score of everything.  If it is suggested that she goes to therapy, then I must as well, otherwise it is unfair.  She gets smug and self-satisfied when she thinks she blasted me in public, in front of my family or friends. Our house is cluttered with her stuff.  "You always" is thrown around all the time.  I can't change my mind about anything and if I do, I am being weird or lying about it.  

This is freaking so so so so so so familiar.  I feel as if your wife and my girlfriend are the same person (not literally).  You are not alone brother; sounds like lots of us are faced with this behavior.  Thanks for writing it out like you did.  I am not alone in this.  You also mentioned the word 'Peace'.  That's the word I use daily.  I just want a string of peaceful days.

Be strong man.  The most confusing part of this is that you can see that they are loving and capable, but then they rip you to shreds or blame you 100%. 

My wife and I survived the holidays.  We had moments that challenged the whole relationship, of course. But usually, one rum and coke with a Valium kept her in good spirits around her family and around mine.  My wife has severe anxiety and can make up threats that simply do not exist.  I tried to explain to my mom that it takes all my wife has to be able to go over to my mom's house. 

We had an interesting conversation yesterday.  Let's see how well this lines up with the "fear of abandonment" trigger for everyone else to observe.

I have been contemplating switching cell phone providers since our service hasn't been amazing.  She loves her Blackberry's (why, I don't know) so I asked her from another room if she still wanted to keep a Blackberry if we switched carriers. She said, "Why?"  I told her that if we were switching carriers, it would mean new phones. She then said that she could pay for her own cell phone plan and not to worry about it.  Out of the blue. 

I responded to her that it's just a switch, possibly cheaper with better service and that I didn't ask her to pay for her own service. Then the p*op storm happened. She tried to pass it off that she was just trying to relieve me of the financial burden and that it had nothing to do with her making it easier to leave me. I know her better than this.  So I came in, sat down and quietly explained to her that I didn't want her to turn this into an excuse to leave me.  She doubled down on her assertion that it was just about finances.  But eventually she relented and said it was about both finances and making it easier to split.  I told her and reassured her that we should continue as a married couple even though we are struggling in our marriage right now and that means that switching cell phone carriers shouldn't be a wedge issue between us. 

We went through her whole past and I was able to speak with her about not knowing how to trust anyone in her life throughout her entire life.  There was always someone violating her trust (physically, mentally, or with security). So when I ask her to trust me, she has no idea how to do that.  And there I was able to let her know that it was impossible for me to love her with out her trusting me.  Many hours and tears later, we got down to brass tacks and re-established what we have been trying to do: Work on ourselves with individual therapists knowing that the fruit of that would be stronger skills to interact with other people, including each other.

For a long time I had felt I was given a word from God to "figure out a way to love her." She brought that up and made sure that it was on me to do that. I was able to explain to her that I had thought there were three major ways I had tried to do that. 

1st was to love her in the way I had been shown love my whole life. This is a person who doesn't under stand that razzing someone you love is a pretty normal thing.  Not mean, just razzing.  It's flirting to me.  Giving her a gentle poke that lets her know that I am ok and that no matter what, she will be my wife and that I love her. Bring her flowers (had her once look at me like I was crazy for bringing her flowers).  Do nice things for her, etc. That was a major failure. 

2nd was to provide her a very stable and financially secure environment.  To give her space.  To allow her wounds to heal naturally.  To allow her to grow and thrive.  All this succeeded in doing was giving roots to her madness.

3rd is the stage where we are at now.  I am pushing her to get counseling.  I am pushing me to get counseling (co-dependence).  Let's preserve what we have, delay our "marital bliss" and give us a chance to get mentally healthy so we can love ourselves before loving someone else. 

She told me she wants unconditional guarantee that I won't leave her.  I couldn't give her that because of my health issues and my own mental state. I certainly don't want to lie to her about it, so I didn't.  Unfortunately, she begins the process of leaving herself before I have a chance to leave her.  Classic.