Been a while/To give you all hope

[LimboFL]

It has been a number of months since I posted here. Anyone who might recognize my call sign will know that I, like so many of who, went to hell and back during and after a four year relationship with a my exBPDgf. I loved her deeply and felt the height of empathy. That relationship ended a year ago and I spent 9 months recovering and finding myself again.

That seems like a lifetime ago. As others have, I felt a responsibility to come back here in the hopes that I can offer some of you hope, to re-enforce what so many have and will continue to say about the futures you face, provided that you follow the sage advice and completely detach. This means no contact forever! It means healing for you and walking away. Trust me, I cried buckets and fought with every fiber of my being to cut her out. I had a brief recycle, because she had a dying animal that I loved and she needed help. I helped and then caught her lying and rolled. It was crushing but absolutely and unequivocally necessary for my own sanity and survival.

Almost to the year of that break, I have met an absolutely beautiful, kind, giving, sweet woman and I am still processing what it is like to have a give and take relationship. How wonderful it is to have someone who even shows the slightest of concern for me, who gives me constant feedback (doesn't leave me sitting there wondering where I stand). It took me three months (without showing it) to finally feel comfortable that she wasn't suddenly going to run off or do something to make me feel like a nothing. It has just been a consistent, mature and adult progression.

I digress, to all of you suffering as I did, please follow the advice of the wise and detach and move on. You don't or won't want to let go, just as I didn't. The pain and the hurt, the loss is crushing but the future can be bright if you make a clean break, learn to be by yourselves and allow nature to take it's course. At some point, if you put yourselves out there gently, someone new will come along and you will forget the pain and be thankful.

I wish you all strength. I have been there and was crushed. I didn't think there was an out, felt that I would simply be better off alone for fear that I would only find more chaos. Are there going to still be rough times, with my new partner, I have no doubts. When you put two people together, especially ones who are not spring chickens, there will be disagreements and maybe even fights, but this is normal. What isn't normal is when the dynamics put you so on edge that you never know where you stand and worse are abused and treated like less than you deserve. As mentioned, I empathized, cared so deeply, was willing to endure (until she broke a boundary that I would not accept) but man would that have been a excruciating existence of constantly being made to feel less than I am. I have my flaws, as we all do, but no one should have to endure what we have, no matter how much we care.

I wish forever be grateful to BPD Family. They helped me when there was no other recourse. Please heed the advice you read read here.

Better days lie ahead, always remember that. Things don't magically get better, life continues to beat on you but things do get better.

Peace.

[Trip09]

Thank you so much for your post!

Im so glad to have found this site.  Everyone is so understanding, caring and only too happy to offer support and advice.

Reading that post gives me so much hope. Although I feel I am getting better day by day, it still is hard to let her go. Hearing you say “Trust me, I cried buckets and fought with every fiber of my being to cut her out” I feel ya! But hearing how you have pulled it all together and moved into a truly beautiful part of life, with a caring partner only gives more hope and determination to keep moving forward.

Thank you for your words. I’m so sorry you had to experience this, but if anything take away that your words here have helped me immensely 

You can read my story in this post here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287803.0

thanks brother, all the happiness to you!

[Jazzy]

LimboFL

Thankyou so much for your words of encouragement.  I am going through the worst time in my life  after being replaced and treated in the most cruel manner   by my BPD ex. Reading your mail   gives me hope that there will be a better tomorrow and that the only way I can get there is by   maintaining NC (  two months now ) and detaching completely  .  I wish you all the best. Thankyou once again.

[LimboFL]

Trip and Jazzy,

I know where you both are and read a number of posts like my last one. My mind was not able to compute the things I feel now, at the time. I was so wrapped up in it all to believe that there was an alternative. The key is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to walk away.

Between the guilt, the pain and the belief that they are the only ones for us, walking away is a gargantuan feat but the alternative is to remain in a tornado of even worse pain as they will never be able to give us what we need or what they so desperately need.

Stay strong and don't give in.

I wish you both the best.

[C.Stein]

Almost to the year of that break, I have met an absolutely beautiful, kind, giving, sweet woman and I am still processing what it is like to have a give and take relationship. How wonderful it is to have someone who even shows the slightest of concern for me, who gives me constant feedback (doesn't leave me sitting there wondering where I stand). It took me three months (without showing it) to finally feel comfortable that she wasn't suddenly going to run off or do something to make me feel like a nothing. It has just been a consistent, mature and adult progression.

It is good to hear you have new hope.   

If you don't mind, could you spare some detail on the give and take relationship?  I think we all know on some level but sometimes it is good to hear especially when many of us have recently been in a mostly one sided relationship.

[LimboFL]

Hi C.

Thank you very much! My goal in posting had more to do with offering hope to others, but yes it is very nice to feel hope. I admit that even now, I still worry that something is going to happen out of nowhere that will throw things off balance, in other words, that I will suddenly either deal with my new girlfriend disappearing for a night or chastising me for something. It's not anxiety but very tiny little waves every once in a while brush by me.

Hmmm, give and take, simple in concept but harder to define. For me the biggest change has been a feeling that we are emotionally at the same mutual state. We may not express the same emotions back and forth, at the same time, but it is kind of a soft revolving lob and return of positive feelings and expression of how we feel about each other. In addition, because both she and I are in our late 40's, we have both been completely open about expectations, desires, fears, concerns etc. and the conversations have been very fluid. This never happened with my ex. Nothing could be discussed without things getting uncomfortable. In fact, my feeling comfort was a rarity in my last relationship. I always felt like I was being judged or analyzed, compared to others. Not so with my new girlfriend.

I feel appreciated, I feel like the little things that I have been doing for her are appreciated, whereas my last girlfriend while she did say thanks and feigned appreciation, always made me feel like it really wasn't enough.

There are also hasn't been the hyper charge that came at the beginning of my last relationship. In difference to many, I simply didn't enjoy that part. It was too hard, too fast. While my new relationship has actually advanced, to some degree, at a similar pace, it has been delicate and gentle. Easy and relaxed, which is exactly how I feel when I am around her. I always felt tense with my exBPD, even when we were supposed to be doing relaxed things, beach, whatever. My exBPD was constantly on her phone, whereas my new girlfriend has little interest in social media, short of a glance here and there and when we are together, it's us. I don't look at my phone and neither does she.

My exBPD would most often end up going off the wall when she drank (it could go in a number of directions, outward hostility to others at the bar, disappearing, overreaction to anything I said which then ended up in violent rages) whereas my new girlfriend drink a few and remains as gentle as she was when she started.

The give and take is so much about the act of giving and taking (whether it be physical or emotional) but more just about soft gentle exchanges where both parties are made to feel comfortable around each other, safe, where both parties are clearly making efforts to ensure that feelings are expressed mutually. It can be physical. While I was always the one catering to my exBPD, my new girlfriend wants to hand me my drink, from the table, if we are lounging around, she wants us both to cook together etc.

It has to be said that some of this is just simply personality differences and not exclusively the difference between a BPD and a non, but there is absolutely no question that there are behaviors exclusive to BPD that just keep us on a constant edge.

I could go on with examples, but I find myself still having to make a conscious effort to reel myself back in from concern that something is going to figuratively thrown (and sometimes physically) at me out of nowhere. A conscious effort not to worry that something I wear isn't going to result in a flurry of insults or pot shots.

Again, it is very difficult to define what give and take means in such a complex emotional environment such as a romantic relationship. All I know is that I feel that, despite sometimes pulling back gently so as to ensure that we are not rushing, that we are on the same page in terms of how we feel about each other and what we are expecting of each other. It feels natural, normal, sane.

I hope that the above provided something to grab hold of. I have no idea where things will end up. It feels like this could go the distance. I certainly hope it does, but mentally, I feel as relaxed as I did before I got into the relationship, which is huge.

What is very important, I believe, in my current ability to process everything is the fact that I took those 9 months to myself to get over my exBPD, to just be satisfied with being on my own, even if I wished for a new relationship. I also didn't look for anything, it just kind of happened out of nowhere, organically. The initial instinct, especially if one is replaced, is to seek out relief in the arms of someone new. Bad move! The key is to take the time to find ourselves again, be comfortable in our own skin, realize that you can survive without someone else, live life to whatever degree you want (I am an introvert of sorts, so not a social butterfly but I am a good looking guy, who is kind and has charisma, when I do put myself out there) and then things tend to happen organically. This was a stipulation I made, that I would not search on dating sites, that I would ride solo unless and until I met someone organically. Low and behold, I did.

We shall see what the future holds. I don't expect everything to be easy, we are going to have disagreements etc. All I want is communication, mutual respect, love and kindness. Right now, I am completely at peace in my head with this new lady. It is such a nice feeling to not be worried, not to feel threatened or fearful.

I hope that all of you find this. Again, who knows what the future holds but at least this relationship I am in has reminded me what a real relationship looks like, how a man and a woman should interact.

Stay strong and, again, please heed the advice offered by the many who have lived through and past it, as I have.     

[hopealways]

Thank you LimboFL, it really means a lot for you to come back and share this. It has truly given me hope after 5 months NC. I'm gonna stay strong and hang in there. Best of luck to you, I am so happy for you. Hope to be there soon!

[Trip09]

My exBPD was constantly on her phone

What is very important, I believe, in my current ability to process everything is the fact that I took those 9 months to myself to get over my exBPD, to just be satisfied with being on my own, even if I wished for a new relationship. I also didn't look for anything, it just kind of happened out of nowhere, organically. The initial instinct, especially if one is replaced, is to seek out relief in the arms of someone new. Bad move! The key is to take the time to find ourselves again, be comfortable in our own skin, realize that you can survive without someone else, live life to whatever degree you want (I am an introvert of sorts, so not a social butterfly but I am a good looking guy, who is kind and has charisma, when I do put myself out there) and then things tend to happen organically. 

Stay strong and, again, please heed the advice offered by the many who have lived through and past it, as I have.     

These words hear just screamed out at me!

When I look back at my exBPD I realised most of our relationship was social media based. Every time we were out, doing something, even not doing anything she had to put it on facebook, instagram etc. like a show of, look and me and what I am doing. I'd just be thinking can we just enjoy this, just for us? She was always on her phone and never really allowed me to talk deeply and emotionally with her.

I couldn't agree more with taking the time and getting yourself right. This is how I feel and although it is so hard to fully detach from my past, I can see it is the healthiest option. I feel as though whoever comes into my life next deserves the best me, not the one who has been trampled and hung up on someone that is toxic. In a way im using this (imaginary for now) person as motivation to keep pushing forward. Although I know in the end, this is all for myself (in a non-selfish way), but it is clear we need to be whole within ourselves before a healthy relationship with another can bloom.

Thank you again for all your words

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I am so glad for you Limbo. Hopefully things keep getting better for you.  We all deserve it. As much as our relationship with a BPDex sucks. I know it will make us better and stronger. Thanks for posting this.

[zman]

Thank you for posting this.  I have my escape plan for february and this gives me hope that I will turn out ok in the aftermath.  My health is important and there are some lines she shouldnt have crossed.

[LimboFL]

Wow, I wasn't expecting to make such an impact but am very happy that I posted.

Thank you very much to all for the kind words of support. I am elated that I have, in whatever small way, given you all hope, because it is critical to making it through the very difficult journeys that you are all facing. As long as you sever ties completely and see the past in the rear view mirror, you can all get through it.

Thank you all, again.

[C.Stein]

Thanks Limbo for the detailed account.  Sounds like you got a good thing going on there, hold onto that.

I did have some of the things you listed with my ex, but certainly not all.  The most important things were missing for the most part, which kept me at a distance and the relationship stalled.   It is so refreshing to hear of a couple that can communicate effectively.  Congratulations on moving forward into a healthy relationship.  Something good did come from you experience with the pwBPD.  

[hopealways]

Limbo I had a question: do you think you would find your new girl or have been attracted to her had you not gone through the BPD experience?

[LimboFL]

Hi hope,

Absolutely yes on the attraction part, no question. It just happened and she actually came to me, even though I was attracted to her.

As for "would I have found her?" that is a very interesting question because ultimately my desire to pull myself out and get into the world, to move forward, was essentially how I found her.

6 months into the breakup, I was sitting around my apartment in the dumps, drinking a little too much and decided that for both economic reasons but also very strongly as a way of getting out and meeting people without the need for attachment, I began driving for Uber. It was exactly what the doctor ordered, on many fronts. I got out there and met a bunch of nice people, had quite a few laughs but as soon as they got out of the car, I was on my way.

One day, she got into the back of my car and she just started talking and laughing. I still remember the ride because it was just so easy and there was a clear attraction. I don't flirt with passengers, because I want my female passengers to feel completely at ease. She asked me if I might be interested in driving her again, if she needed it, I gave my day job business card and said absolutely. It took her a month and she emailed me. The rest is history.

So, in many ways, if it hadn't have been for my ex, I wouldn't have been in a position where I felt I needed to get out into the world to escape my thoughts. So it was an almost weird sequence of events that pushed me in that direction.

While I have no doubt that I would still appreciate my new lady, what I do believe is that, thanks to the very difficult journey that I took with my ex BPD, I have a much deeper appreciation for the wonderful qualities of my new lady. I know what highly complicated looks like, so while I continue to be mildly mired in concern (whenever there are moments of quiet, no communication between her and I), it is such a wonderful experience to feel this at ease, to feel a fair amount of trust. I do find myself somewhat bewildered when my new lady returns the next day feeling just as enamored by me as the day before. One gets very used to being let down emotionally by BPD's, that I find myself accepting a negative fate in advance. Of course, I hide all of these emotions knowing that it is I who have to adjust to a new reality. An internal negotiation of sorts.

It is like getting back on a bike after a very long hiatus, you do know how to ride but it requires some acclimation to the gears, the bell etc. Prior to my exBPD, I was with my ex wife for 20 years, so relationships are not new to me, but 4 years with a BPD, whom I loved deeply (as mentioned) really threw things out of whack.

The bottom line is that there is no question that my experience with my exBPD helped form me, it has made me much more aware of what is most important. It has softened me and has taught me how to prioritize my emotions and my expectations. When once I might have pushed to have my opinion heard and possibly to prove that I am correct, now I could care less. This came about because I learned that pushing would result in confrontation with my exBPD. So, yes in many ways my exBPD taught me a great deal about myself and more importantly how to truly appreciate this new lady even more than I might have before. I could go on but hopefully you get the picture.

[NCEA]

Wow. Thank you. And love the Uber story.

[hopealways]

Thanks for the response Limbo, and kudos to you for getting out there and meeting new people. I agree that we need to do NC but I also think we need to be proactive in meeting new people.