Survivor 101

[PhoenixRising15]

I have spent the past few years recovering from a failed relationship with a toxic person.

I don't know if they had BPD or not.

What I know:

She and I dated for a few months.  She committed acts of physical violence against me.  She stole from me, broke my things, cheated on me repeatedly, etc.

When she committed the final "discard", or rather committed acts so heinous I had no choice but to leave, I was shattered.

Like most of you, my head was spinning.  Here was the "love of my life" my "one and only", her "heart and soul".

I am better now, having recovered from the FOG, I figured out many things.

Here are my steps for recovery.

1.) LEARN TO BREATHE.

This was often forgotten in my recovery process, as I was constantly struggling just to survive.  This has become increasingly important as her attempts to get back into my life and/or hurt me emotionally have only ramped up.  

2.) Forget what you think you know.

When we first broke up, I was given sage advice by someone on this board. "You don't know this person". They couldn't have been more right.  The importance of this has only increased over time.

If you think, "it couldn't be"... .It probably is.

A few highlights:

Tracking me down to this message board -- protect your identity.  Use a pseudonym.  Change your details.

Following me & showing up where she knows i will be-- hundreds of miles.  repeatedly.  over the course of years.

Harassing me -- leaving me anonymous messages through various media. -- if you are fresh out of the relationship, learn not to answer phone calls from numbers you don't know.  

Contacted every one of my exes she could -- This will happen.  Learn to release people from your life that are toxic.  This will happen a lot in the process.

3.) Establish boundaries.  

The reason we generally get in these relation___s is because we don't have value based boundaries.

After her, I dated multiple people, and quickly exited the relationship when their values didnt match up with mine.  This is the blessing of the borderline.

4.) Letting go is MY reponsibility.

She is still attempting to contact me, harass me, and get into my life, despite proclaiming her "love" all over social media for her latest target.  

Don't believe just because they have a new attachment they will let go.

5.) Learn to value yourself.

Look at the above.  :)o you want to BE that person?  I didn't think so.  So why would you want  to be WITH that person.

6.) Accept the process.

I'm a smart guy.  When this was over, I knew it was bad for me.  I knew I had to get out.  Yet still I shat all over myself for grieving.  Sometimes I still think of her.  When I do, it is with nothing but pure apathy.  She does not exist in my world.  I had to learn that it was okay to think of her. to miss her.  It didn't make it any easier, but in the end, I had to realize that I am human, and these things come, and most certainly they go.

Now, I am in a great relationship, with a person I couldn't be happier with.  She is aware of the situation with my ex (because my ex attempts to contact her as well).

You are stronger than BPD.  You don't have BPD.  You never will.  You may have some unhealthy attractions to toxic people, but that can, and must change if you want to get through this.

Good Luck.  And God Speed.

[babyducks]

Hi Survivor 101

I like your paragraphs 3 and 4 and 5.

Letting go is my responsibility.    Choosing to do it in a healthy and constructive way can leave us in a better position, much like you described.

Reaching for healthier, better responses when hurt and in a difficult and painful breakup is tough stuff.   But in the long run it pays real dividends.

'ducks

[hopealways]

Thanks so much for this.

[JaneStorm]

Powerful. I needed this today. Thank you so much. 

[vortex of confusion]

5.) Learn to value yourself.

Look at the above.  :)o you want to BE that person?  I didn't think so.  So why would you want  to be WITH that person.

I need to hear this over and over and over again. During the course of the relationship, I stopped valuing myself. He represents so many of the characteristics that I do NOT want to be and, quite frankly, I find many of his traits to be annoying and deplorable.

6.) Accept the process.

I'm a smart guy.  When this was over, I knew it was bad for me.  I knew I had to get out.  Yet still I shat all over myself for grieving.  Sometimes I still think of her.  When I do, it is with nothing but pure apathy.  She does not exist in my world.  I had to learn that it was okay to think of her. to miss her.  It didn't make it any easier, but in the end, I had to realize that I am human, and these things come, and most certainly they go.

I am finding it very difficult to accept the process. The grieving, the peeling back the layers, coming out of denial, and just plain getting a grip on things is a much longer process than I want it to be and I sometimes kick myself because I am not doing things more quickly.

[Inside]

Well put/ done, 101, and inspirational  Thank you ~

[troisette]

"You are stronger than BPD.  You don't have BPD."

Thank you for that Survivor. It's just what I needed to read.

A happy new year to you.