Am I being selfish?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I woke up feeling like maybe I shouldn't walk away.  That after 19 years I shouldn't give up.  We have four kids but these occurrences just keep getting worse.  I've been in NC for two months and feel better.  We have four kids.  I know I can't help her.  I'm feeling like the rescuer I guess.  Am I being selfish?

[Joem678]

I woke up feeling like maybe I shouldn't walk away.  That after 19 years I shouldn't give up.  We have four kids but these occurrences just keep getting worse.  I've been in NC for two months and feel better.  We have four kids.  I know I can't help her.  I'm feeling like the rescuer I guess.  Am I being selfish?

[thisworld]

No, I think you are being unrealistically hardworking. In these difficult relationships, the moment we regain some strength, we want to run back and use this new strength to save our relationship. This is not realistic, we gain this strength only when we are out. I guess you didn't leave your relationship because you didn't want to help your spouse anymore. You probably left because you were exhausted at so many levels. It probably was a matter of self-preservation. Self-preservation is not selfish. It's the inescapable condition of being a self. Plus I think you'll be a much more positive role model for the kids now. Kids need to see an emotionally healthy parent.

[Joem678]

I left because I couldn't handle it emotionally anymore.  She left the relationship but was playing games.  A pattern that had been constant throughout the marriage. But this time around, it was too much to handle.  It intensified with every occurrence.

[thisworld]

And what is that but self-preservation? It's not selfish in the least. And I believe you can build a very positive and healthy father model for your children now, which will help them so much in the future.

[Joem678]

You are right.  I guess when she is telling people I don't want to work things out it makes me feel guilty.  Seeing the kids come and go is depressing. 

[thisworld]

You are right.  I guess when she is telling people I don't want to work things out it makes me feel guilty.  Seeing the kids come and go is depressing. 

There is guilt, and for many of us sometimes there is shame, too. What will others think of us? I have that myself. But we need to strengthen our inner core and trust ourselves. We know how much effort we have put into this. And some people are aware, too.

I don't have children myself but I can understand how depressing it must be. But it's so new. With time and consideration, it is possible to turn this into a nice, happy experience for everyone. Of course, it would be saddening to see your kids go. But I think many divorced parents learn to cope with it. How old are they?

[Joem678]

My kids are 18, 16 (boys) and 8, 6 (girls). I feel for them but this time around they have all been exposed to it.  That adds to the guilt.  How do I keep myself from feeling guilty when they are with her?  I am at a good point in all this.  I don't have the urge/need to call her.  I'm not sure if it's the holidays or the amount of time that is passing but it's hard. 

[thisworld]

I think it's good that the boys are at an age to more or less understand what's going on? How would you feel about looking at therapy options for the children? I think the co-parenting board would be able to offer good advice about these. Sometimes, when there are children, larger family may become a problem I think. They mean well and try to keep the family together (unwittingly). Maybe you can come with a script that would make you more comfortable and even ask them to communicate with children in a certain way about this issue - I mean if they ever do. I don't know, just a thought.  I know that one of the moderators here, Mutt, has a lot of experience in this.

[Joem678]

That actually sounds like a pretty good idea.  The boys really see what's going on.  It's hard for them to grasp what is going.  It's their mom.  But, I have answered their questions.  During these conversations, I do ask them not to judge their mom's behavior.  It has been rough on them at times.  As for her, I don't think I can pitch right now because of her state.