Staying NC on Christmas Day

[VitaminC]

Ohh, this is hard.

I was out this Christmas Eve with friends for quiet drink as we always do. I kept thinking of him and wondering if he was with anyone, a friend or family, and hoping that he wasn't alone. I had to step outside for a moment to burst into tears. I went back inside, to the ladies, and sent him a message just saying "I remember everything. Happy Christmas".

3 messages, 10 minutes apart, and a missed call - all of which I noticed a couple of hours later.

One saying

"Come", then

"I am alone",

then "No you. No daughter. I am alone Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Happy Christmas?"

I wrote back: "Me too. I will be alone tomorrow."

Oh please help me to remember that while I sit here and think of his isolation and loneliness and feel sad for him, he is not sparing a thought for me. Please help me to remember that the last time we talked he was as defensive and blocking and unfair and uncaring as always. That I felt not a single thing I'd said had been heard. That he could not rise outside of his own emotion to even notice mine for just a moment. That he never said 'sorry' for the way he'd behaved for 3 whole days - that somehow I was missing the point that something I'd said, the way that I'd said it, had triggered him.

That I felt unloved, unseen, and not respected.  That the feeling had grown very familiar.

That I KNOW he will never see, for longer than a moment, that anything he says he intends to do never lasts for longer than a few days and then we're back at square one. That I've poured enough effort into this even after finding out he'd been cheating. That NOTHING will change and that things going on that way is killing me. That it has to stop.

That Christmas Day is just a day. That I have friends I could spend it with, but that I choose to spend it alone taking care of myself and giving myself the attention I need.  That if he can't do the same it's not my responsibility. That it will not be longer than a couple of weeks before there is someone else anyway. That no matter what I do, I will be the bad guy. I will be the one who put him through Christmas hell in 2015. That will be how I will go down in his personal history.

That he will never have one iota of an idea how much I am struggling with myself to not call him because the thought of him suffering is so awful to me. That no matter how much I say and show this, it is never ever enough.

Help me to remember all the many many incidents of selfishness, small and big, over the last 18 months. How I would never do those things and yet I accepted them from him.

Help me to remember that I'm an adult and that I can make choices, that it's my right and my responsibility to myself to make ones that are good for me. That these are not just words but that they are actions. That I have tried every way I know how and that the result is far from satisfactory for me. That I want more and if he can't give it to me, then it's my job to get out of there and stay out of there. One minute at a time, if that's what it takes.

I have to keep saying this to myself. I have to.

[Lonely_Astro]

You're right, it is hard.  I was LC with mine up until two days ago where apparently something I said to her triggered her (again), so we are day 2 of ST.  I haven't tried to reach out to her, nor am I going to try to.  It's not my place anymore to see how she's doing (I usually get the standard "not to good" if I ask, anyway).  Yet, she feels good enough to go out to dinner/whatever with my replacement, R.

You say you have felt unloved, unseen, and not respected.  In your moment of weakness, you reached out and his first response was "come".  Maybe there was a typo, maybe not... .but how I read that was some sort of order, like you are a dog.  You are not a dog.  Nor are you a doormat.  Everything you have said is true.  He cannot and will not rise out of his own emotion to notice yours.  All he's thinking about is himself. 

The last 18 months have been hell for you, I am sure.  We have all been there.  You are an adult, you are stronger than you think, and even now, he is still being selfish.  Instead of saying thank you or something else to your text, he points out how he is alone, not how you are alone.  He didn't ask about you at all.  All he was thinking of was himself.

You're better off.  Enjoy tomorrow, guilt free, you owe it to yourself to breathe.  Time and distance will heal the wound.  Let it bleed, clot, and then move on.  One minute turns into an hour, a hour turns into a day, a day becomes a week, and so on.

Merry Christmas!

[VitaminC]

Thank you, Lonely Astro, for your words and your understanding and your validating my feelings.

Even now, if he asked to come, I don't know that I would have the power to say no. Even seeing and knowing his selfishness. It is very hard to put him out of my mind for more than a few moments. And it's the same for him; he can't put himself out of his mind for a few moments either. So we have that in common. We are both thinking about HE is feeling.

Thank you. I'll probably read what you've written a few times as the day goes on. There is fire, music, food, wine, friends at the other end of the phone who I know are thinking about me.  I have to keep remembering that.

Peaceful Christmas to you too.

[C.Stein]

That Christmas Day is just a day.

It is just another day.  Go outside and watch the birds going about their business.  This day is no different than any other day to them.  We choose to make certain days more significant than others ... .or we can choose not to.  

I know all to well what it is like to have your feelings marginalized and ignored.  My ex did it to me pretty much all the time.   It isolates you and makes you feel unimportant, like the only value you are to them is to make them feel better or good about themselves.   It is very hard to be close to someone like this even as a friend.  If you know the how and why this happens it does help with understanding but it doesn't help all that much with how you feel.  Just know that on occasion he probably does think about your feelings when he is in the eye of his own emotional hurricane.