A week alone = a week of peace and healing

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I sent D10 to her grandparents for the holidays. Both sets of grandparents are aware of the problems in the household with BPDw, and both independently suggested letting D10 get out of the house to have some fun. Independently, BPDw had the idea that she wanted to get away, too, so she's been spending most of the week out of state with family and friends.

I have the house to myself, and it is so wonderful. So quiet. I've been sleeping without waking up to the sounds of a fight between D10 and BPDw. I've been eating what I want, and binge-watching Game of Thrones. I hung out with my best friend one day.

And I know this will seem crazy, but the most satisfying thing I've been doing is cleaning the house. I'm tackling all the clutter and trash left lying around by my wife for the past eight months. I'm scrubbing and dusting and mopping. Everything is being put away or thrown out. It feels soo good to have my home return to a livable state and not have to manage anyone complaining or dysregulating while I do it.

It's been my first week of peace in a long time. I really needed it.

[flourdust]

I sent D10 to her grandparents for the holidays. Both sets of grandparents are aware of the problems in the household with BPDw, and both independently suggested letting D10 get out of the house to have some fun. Independently, BPDw had the idea that she wanted to get away, too, so she's been spending most of the week out of state with family and friends.

I have the house to myself, and it is so wonderful. So quiet. I've been sleeping without waking up to the sounds of a fight between D10 and BPDw. I've been eating what I want, and binge-watching Game of Thrones. I hung out with my best friend one day.

And I know this will seem crazy, but the most satisfying thing I've been doing is cleaning the house. I'm tackling all the clutter and trash left lying around by my wife for the past eight months. I'm scrubbing and dusting and mopping. Everything is being put away or thrown out. It feels soo good to have my home return to a livable state and not have to manage anyone complaining or dysregulating while I do it.

It's been my first week of peace in a long time. I really needed it.

[livednlearned]

I'm glad you're having a peaceful time, flourdust.  

When your wife goes away like this (if she has in the past?) what is it usually like when she returns? Does she come back feeling anxious about whether you missed her?

LnL

[flourdust]

Well, the party's over.

I picked her up at the airport last night. She didn't complain that much about her flight, which was a plus. She complimented me on the job I did cleaning up the house. This morning, she slept in, and I went out and ran errands. We didn't see each other much during the day. She mentioned that she was going out of her way to try to avoid making me angry. I said I also didn't want to make her angry. At one point, she got annoyed at me for not giving her my full undivided attention while she stood there silently.

Later, she was hungry. I made dinner. I thought it was a dish she would like, but it turned out to be too spicy for her. (I think her sensitivity to hot food -- along with pretty much all of her sensitivity to stimuli - has gone way up in the last several months.) I tried to downplay it by saying it didn't seem spicy to me. That pissed her off, and she began complaining that she could have gone out to eat, criticizing (and dramatically exaggerating) my lack of concern for her too-spicy dinner, and so on. I asked if we could have dinner without fighting. She said that wasn't fighting. So I asked if we could have dinner without criticism. She said "apparently not." That was enough for me -- I took my plate and left the table.

So, back to the same pattern of "communication," if you can call it that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey flour dust, Sorry to hear about the contentious "reunion" dinner with your W.  What did you learn about yourself, if anything, during your "Week of Peace"? Maybe you picked up some clues concerning the right path for you?  If nothing else, it seems you made order of chaos in your physical environment, which is a step forward, in my view.

LuckyJim

[flourdust]

Hey flour dust, Sorry to hear about the contentious "reunion" dinner with your W.  What did you learn about yourself, if anything, during your "Week of Peace"? Maybe you picked up some clues concerning the right path for you?  If nothing else, it seems you made order of chaos in your physical environment, which is a step forward, in my view.

Thanks, LuckyJim.

Well, I learned how much I enjoyed the peace. Having the house clean and in order was very soothing. I continued to sleep in the guest bedroom. I've started to view the master bedroom as "her" room, and I don't want to be in there.

I didn't get lonely at all or miss her. Sometimes I thought about some happy memories involving her, but they were from very long ago. On my last night alone, when I realized she was coming back the next day, I felt some dread.

While she was away, her mother and best friend tried to convince her to enter an inpatient program. She didn't agree. I didn't feel much of anything about that -- no disappointment, no relief, nothing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, flourdust,  Your findings are quite familiar to me.  When I separated from my BPDxW five years ago, the predominant emotion was one of relief.  I had tried my hardest and gave it my all for 15 years, to no avail.  The wheels came off.  It all came unglued.  Like you, I wasn't lonely and didn't miss her.  I never considered going back.  I felt dread, as you note, when I had to see her.  I learned that I enjoyed returning home after work without the expectation of a confrontation.  Boring nights felt like a vacation, after years of turmoil and drama.

Have you thought about your path, my friend?  Only you know the way.  I can say that, to paraphrase Dante, I was once lost in a dark wood with no clear path out, but now I'm back on my path.

LuckyJim

[flourdust]

Hello again, flourdust,  Your findings are quite familiar to me.  When I separated from my BPDxW five years ago, the predominant emotion was one of relief.  I had tried my hardest and gave it my all for 15 years, to no avail.  The wheels came off.  It all came unglued.  Like you, I wasn't lonely and didn't miss her.  I never considered going back.  I felt dread, as you note, when I had to see her.  I learned that I enjoyed returning home after work without the expectation of a confrontation.  Boring nights felt like a vacation, after years of turmoil and drama.

Have you thought about your path, my friend?  Only you know the way.  I can say that, to paraphrase Dante, I was once lost in a dark wood with no clear path out, but now I'm back on my path.

LuckyJim

I get what you mean.

I think my path leads to ending this relationship, soon. I made myself a promise to use this time to seriously explore my options but not to make any decisions until mid-January.

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, suggest you postpone any decisions until after the Holidays.  It's hard, I know, when a child is involved.  (I have two).

I didn't miss my BPDxW but missed my kids terribly after separating from my Ex.  Sad to say, we're now quite distant (me and the kids).

I've thought a lot about the impact of divorce on the kids.  It was more or less a No-Win situation.  Staying meant more conflict with my W, which negatively affected my kids, yet leaving had a negative impact, too.

In my case, I had to leave because I was destroying myself in the marriage and had become a shell of my former self.  I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.  BPD proved too complex for me.  It was a toxic soup from which I was barely able to emerge.

Everyone's path is different, no doubt, but BPD leaves its mark on all who encounter it.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[unicorn2014]

 

I am glad you have some time to yourself, I too  may have some time to my self as I took a 4 day break from my relationship and my d15 is supposed to spend new year's eve over at her father's.

[livednlearned]

Happy new year, flourdust.

Whether you stay or go, having a child does complicate the leaving process, especially ensuring that you two have a good relationship. Your wife, to deal with the abandonment fears, and lacking the skills to process those feelings, will likely use D10 as a projection screen where she can external her feelings. This ends up being parental alienation.

Lessons 5 and 6 on the Coparenting board have a lot of helpful information about how to deal with alienation. For some, alienation happens even during the marriage when the family is intact. It can get much worse during and after you leave. In particular, I recommend Dr. Craig Childress's work on parental alienation as his research and advocacy work is probably the most sound and up to date.

[flourdust]

Happy new year, flourdust.

Whether you stay or go, having a child does complicate the leaving process, especially ensuring that you two have a good relationship. Your wife, to deal with the abandonment fears, and lacking the skills to process those feelings, will likely use D10 as a projection screen where she can external her feelings. This ends up being parental alienation.

Lessons 5 and 6 on the Coparenting board have a lot of helpful information about how to deal with alienation. For some, alienation happens even during the marriage when the family is intact. It can get much worse during and after you leave. In particular, I recommend Dr. Craig Childress's work on parental alienation as his research and advocacy work is probably the most sound and up to date.

Thank you for the tips. I'm less concerned about alienation than about BPDw transferring her aggression to D10. That's one reason that I would be seeking as much custody as I can get.