When something feels really really wrong but I know it's just anxiety

[daughterandmom]

Hi everyone 

First I want to say thank you for all the caring people who take part in this board, both reading and giving such thoughtful comments and also sharing stories that we can see ourselves in and benefit from.

I won't be seeing my therapist for a couple of weeks, and I am having a bit of trouble managing my anxiety. I am hoping to use this post both to write it out and clarify my thoughts, as well as to get any advice you might have.

I know these anxious traits come from my upbringing, being my mother's emotional everything, not being in touch with my own feelings but being super tuned in to others. I am sure many of you can relate? Here's the problem. I worry about my kids. I mean get myself so worked up I am just on high adrenaline with my thoughts just spinning. And this is not when there is actually an issue. In those cases, I can usually calmly work it out. This is just when for no apparent reason I decide something is WRONG.

When they were younger, I nearly drove myself crazy. But now that everyone is out of the house I have a new problem. If I don't see one of them for a couple of days sometimes I get the doom feeling. I am sure they are distancing themselves from us and I start obsessing over every possible parenting mistake. Other times when one of them comes over to hang out I can't enjoy it because I am so sure that they are over here because they are sad and have no one else to be with. I KNOW this is projecting, but I am so terrified that they may be feeling that sense of dread and oppressive gloom I grew up with and I want so desperately to take it away.

Now, mind you, no one has even said they are sad. And when I do a reality check with my husband he says they are fine. I never let on how I am feeling to them, I try to just be upbeat and calm. But the inner turmoil is killing me.

I know from how my mom handled things to never make it about me. I never want them to know how worried I am because that risks them feeling responsible for my feelings. So I hide it well. But what can I do to not be on this roller coaster? How do I really know they don't have that awful feeling?

Apologies for the long post- I have myself pretty worked up and no one to talk to about it right now. Thanks much for reading 

[Suzn]

Hi daughterandmom

I'm sorry you're struggling. I totally get it, I have these thoughts too occasionally. It use to be much more frequent. For me it's a dash of catastrophic thinking and codependence tendencies. I tend to search first for what triggered these thoughts and try to talk myself through. For most of my life, when it came to loved ones I couldn't be ok if I thought they weren't ok. I use to ask "what's wrong" a lot.

Self talk has played a big role in turning my fears for the worst around. Using a dbt technique called opposite action has helped too. Meaning, save myself because I'm not able to help others if I can't help myself. Dwelling on things that might be happening is as unhealthy physically as much as mentally. So taking care of you is really important. How do you normally cope with this anxiety?

Stopping what you are doing when starting to feel this way and asking yourself things like... "ok, what's going on with me right now? What you are thinking isn't truthful. If it were truthful you know how to cope. Deep breaths. These are only thoughts, let them go, they aren't real."

This takes practice.   

I don't think there's anything wrong with checking in with your children occasionally and asking how their lives are going. How are your relationships with your children?   

[daughterandmom]

Hi Suzn

Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to me that someone else understands how I feel.

For most of my life, when it came to loved ones I couldn't be ok if I thought they weren't ok. I use to ask "what's wrong" a lot.

You summed it up very well here 

You asked how I normally cope with the anxiety. The answer is not really very well. I get myself really worked up and then try to get a reality check by talking with my husband. Asking repeatedly if he's sure everyone is okay which  I am sure must get very annoying 

I have been working with my therapist on anxiety management, but I haven't gotten very far yet.

I read what you said here over and over several times.

Stopping what you are doing when starting to feel this way and asking yourself things like... "ok, what's going on with me right now? What you are thinking isn't truthful. If it were truthful you know how to cope. Deep breaths. These are only thoughts, let them go, they aren't real."

This is so hard. Thank you for reminding me it takes practice. What stuck out for me was "If it were truthful you know how to cope". This is true. I need to remind myself that I am good at managing real problems. It's just this sense of doom (WHICH ISN'T REAL) that I am having such a hard time with. Thank you for putting it in these words. I can use this.

I don't think there's anything wrong with checking in with your children occasionally and asking how their lives are going. How are your relationships with your children?

I have four kids ages 22-28 and they are all very close to me and to each other. They don't know about the troubles I have from my parents or how much I struggle with anxiety. They are all leading stable lives, good jobs and all, with only the normal young adult issues, so my fears aren't really based in reality. I am just terrified that they might be feeling the way I did as a kid and for some reason I don't know it. Does that make sense?

Thank you again for your thoughtful reply. You have helped me quite a bit. Hugs 

[Kwamina]

Hi daughterandmom

It sounds like your anxiety might be the result of so-called cognitive distortions, specifically 'jumping to conclusions':

"Jumping to conclusions: You think negatively about something without supporting evidence. There are two errors:

- Mind reading: You think without any evidence that someone is thinking negatively about you.

- The fortune teller error: You truly believe that you know what will happen in the future, without evidence."

It might help to ask yourself these two questions when you notice yourself getting anxious:

- What is the evidence?

- What are the alternatives?

Slowing down and being mindful can indeed help you identify any potential distortions in your thinking.

As you stated yourself how this anxiety relates to your own experiences growing up, I also think it might be interesting to see if and how this anxiety ties in with so-called "emotional flashbacks":

"Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions [‘amygdala hijackings’] to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness.

Because most emotional flashbacks do not have a visual or memory component to them, the triggered individual rarely realizes that she is re-experiencing a traumatic time from childhood." -- Pete Walker

When you consider the times you became aware of yourself getting anxious, do you feel you were immediately able to notice yourself getting anxious? Or does it usually take some time before you become aware of and are able to identify what's going on?

[busybee1116]

You've gotten great advice, just wanted to reiterate the self-talk that Suzn mentioned. My husband is also a good sounding board/check in, but this is something I wanted to figure out how to tackle on my own most of the time, it gets old I'm sure for him! It took me a long time to realize what I was saying to myself, why I had some thoughts. My therapist points out that thoughts are 2 things--facts or beliefs. And a lot of our self-talk is just beliefs. I love what Suzn wrote about "if it were truthful you would know how to cope." Every time you have one of those moments, rest in it, feel it, and let it reinforce you so when you do have an anxiety attack, you have many examples of success/good coping to return to mentally and check in with yourself.

This has been helpful to me when I find tape-recorded messages to myself stuck in my brain that reinforce anxiety or false beliefs. When I find something that feels like a belief but not a fact, I use a phrase that Brene Brown uses: "I'm making up a story that... ." It's a way to pause and put just a tiny bit of space between "I am" to "I am thinking that" or "It is a fact" and "I'm thinking it's a fact that." So for example... .kids haven't called in 2 days, you're starting to have thoughts that they are unhappy with you or it means they are sad. "I'm making up a story that my kids are unhappy because I haven't heard from them in 2 days." Repeat a few times. It seems to help me to take the sting out a little and see it as belief, not fact.

Another phrase--"The possibility exists." Sometimes I get into black/white thinking or catastrophising. Ok, a lot. Sometimes about a person, like my uBPD mom. I tend to ruminate and this has helped me stop. "The possibility exists that she will always drive me crazy. Or that it won't bother me as much some day. There is a chance." Or "The possibility exits that I haven't heard from John because it's the end of the month... .he's always busier then. And Jane just got back from a long trip, the possibility exists she's still jet-lagged."

I also discovered there's a very critical voice in there. Very. If I dribble coffee on the floor, I mutter "you're such an idiot." Or if I make a mistake at work, "Only a moron would do that." I would never in a million years say that to someone else for dribbling coffee.  When I catch myself saying those awful things to myself, I smile and say internally,"don't talk to my friend like that!" or "it's just coffee.  dribbles happen."

I'd also like to ask you, what would happen if you did sit down with your kids and say... ."Hey, something I've been keeping to myself but should probably talk to you about--sometimes I get worried and worked up, and then have anxiety attacks. I'm working on them. Sometimes when I haven't heard from you, I start to worry and imagine all kinds of awful scenarios. I love you guys so much and as a mother, it's just natural." Why talk about it? I think we hide health issues, particularly mental health, from family members far too often. And anxiety runs in families. Might help your kids to know if they feel anxious, that it's nothing to be embarrassed about and if it's more than just worry, there's help for it. And it's ok to talk about in your family.  Secondly, you could work out a plan to have more frequent contact for a time (like a 3 day a week check in email or text) while you work through this and get good reinforcement. Or some sort of agreement that if they are not fine/unhappy, that they will talk to you about it. I think it's funny that you are not happy/not fine and you are keeping it from them... . You would be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed you, allow that same love/compassion for yourself.  

[Suzn]

What stuck out for me was "If it were truthful you know how to cope". This is true. I need to remind myself that I am good at managing real problems.

Good because this IS a real problem. In order to tackle real problems we need a plan to work on it, right?

I love what Kwamina says about mindfulness, this has been very helpful to me too. Literally becoming very aware of your surroundings during anxiety attacks helps to center us. Some examples for doing this... .sit down notice everything in the room, the texture of the chair you're sitting in, how your clothes feel on your body, etc... Or take a walk and notice every little thing you can about your surroundings, the texture of tree bark, the smell of outdoors, the colors, etc... This along with deep breathing helps to shake overwhelming anxiety.

busybee1116 mentions our inner critic, this guy can be brutal and he's a liar. I've literally told this voice to shut up or knock it off you're lying to me. Our core beliefs are ingrained so it does take a lot of practice to turn them around, cut yourself some slack on this because it doesn't change overnight. However when we decide do things with intention it makes a difference. (This is also a Brene Brown reference, her books are awesome. Well worth the read.)

Self soothing is a skill that we weren't born with. It's nice to hear your husband is supportive and that you're working with a T. In what ways can you work on distracting these thoughts on your own?

Some examples, get moving

Go for a walk

Listen to upbeat music (dance in your living room)

Go outside and wash the car

Wash the dog

Watch a movie (a comedy)

What would work for you?

I am just terrified that they might be feeling the way I did as a kid and for some reason I don't know it. Does that make sense?

This makes total sense. My mother (and the other adults in my life for that matter) was emotionally unavailable when I was growing up (still is) and for the majority of my childhood I had to keep my feelings to myself.

A little anxiety in life is normal. A new job, a big move, marriage, etc... Young adults have struggles. Conquering their own struggles makes them stronger adults. It sounds like they have a great support system and balance with you, your husband and each other. Well done, you get to be proud of your efforts, can you work to relax into the love of your family? This would be a visualization exercise, imagining slowly falling back into the arms of your family as self comfort. Don't forget your inner child, she still there and needs your attention, you are the adult to protect and nurture her now.