Trying to be mindful

[unicorn2014]

This morning I posted on the coping board about a problem I had with my mother. I am reading understanding the borderline mother and working an ACA program to deal with my issues around my mother.  The issue had to do with my significant other so I wanted to post on the saving board to deal with that side of it. I'm trying to keep the two sides of the issue separate as I have two people in my life who exhibit borderline traits: my partner and my mother.

So my mother told my father who told my brother who told my daughter that I was suffering from a heartbreak and staying home to paint on Christmas, which wasn't true. I confronted my mother in the kitchen at my brother's house and had a conversation with her and her friend about the situation with my partner. My partner has been with me on Thanksgivings past with the family and their friends. I ended up sharing the part about my  mother thinking I was heartbroken with my partner. I told him that most people think he is full of it when I told them that his lawyer didn't file his divorce with the court and that I was reaching my limit with defending his actions. Tonight he went back to his statement about not being happy that he had to prove to me that he was meeting with a lawyer and I remember something that Kate Cat said on my TS thread which is locked so I hope she doesn't mind if I bring it here to continue the discussion .

unicorn, I think your guy has given you a great big clue about his reality. It lies in his repeated use of the word "humiliation."

One could guess at the reasons an actual divorce would be humiliating for him. (I've seen tons of divorce documents and my imagination doesn't need much prompting.) Sparring daily with him right now will only increase his sense of impending humiliation. And demotivate him.

Do you feel able to step completely away from him and his decision until the first of the year? It's not long, and I think it's the best chance this relationship has. Just let him sit and gather his courage.

Divorce documents so often reveal personal and financial failings kept secret until the filing. Gloves are off, and facts are laid bare. Spouses who have been keeping each other's secrets often no longer do so. If a person spent money he or she didn't have, the documents may detail this rather specifically.

I'm trying to think of reasons other than the above that your guy would not have kept his promise to you. I don't get the sense that he values you so little. More the sense that he is not brave enough to face the facts. That he feels you will reject him.

I appreciate this quote in particular as my mom and her friend think that my guy does not value me that much. If I believed what they said I would be in a whole boatload of trouble. I really want to thank the member who wrote these words for her perspective. They are like a life raft in a storm for me. If my mother is uBPD then I definitely don't want to listen to her so I really need alternative points of view to counter hers. Tonight she even told me how much she liked my ex husband and she conveniently forgot the things that happened to him after my divorce like having our truck impounded due to a DUI and losing it.

This is exactly what I think, unicorn. He has put a lot of years and a lot of effort into creating a certain impression for you. He is being asked to do something really, really tough here.

I proud to report that I did not react to him when he expressed displeasure at having to prove to me his actions, in fact I said something about having to deal with a lot of difficult emotions myself and that he was going to be okay.

I told him that I was under pressure to make a decision.

What I didn't tell him is that I explained to my mom and her friend that upholding a boundary was not issuing an ultimatum but defending a value.

It is amazing how much I've learned as a result of these relationship boards and I want to thank all of you for the time and effort you put into helping me, it has produced fruit.

I don't know what Tuesday is going to bring or how I am going to feel about it but I wanted to let you all know that I think seriously about what you tell me and take it to heart.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

It is apparent that you are working very, very hard on all of this, Unicorn.

To add to what Kate Cat wrote, the content of the divorce filing may well be what he dreads dealing with -not so much what he files (which might be a simple "irreconcilable differences", but rather what his wife might counterfile -since I assume his wife has evidence of adultery. Your boundary has resulted in his no longer being able to avoid it.

[babyducks]

What I didn't tell him is that ... .

It is amazing how much I've learned as a result of these relationship boards

One of the things I have learned here is to keep my own counsel.   To rely on myself.    There are times when my partner can not be a sounding board and a support for me.   Mostly when she is dealing with her own difficult stuff.     At those times saying less is my better choice.

[Notwendy]

Mindfulness includes holding on to our own truth. Every day, people say things that they think are true, and we have to filter them through our own ideas. We can decide that something is true for us, and what is not. Also, something that isn't true needs not be defended. I can not emphasize this more, because, when we defend something, we can make it mean more than it is.

Also, for some people, feelings =Facts. So, your mother said something to your brother, who said something to your D. This sounds like the telephone game-where information is passed along from one person to another. Some families operate like this. My mother does- she makes up things about me, and then, when they get back to me, it seems very strange. Like you, I would confront her, but it didn't change anything. She still does it. It just added to the drama in the family.

Mindfulness includes becoming aware of patterns of behavior we learned in our FOO that no longer serve us well. One is being affected by the different ( and sometimes changing ) opinions of others. You know your SO. Someone on this board could say " he doesn't care about you". That could be upsetting. Someone else could say "he does care about you". However, if your feelings in any way are influenced by what others say, at any moment, that is handing your feelings over to the control of someone else. If someone says something - you can consider if it rings true or not. If it does, then you can choose what to do with it.

If it does not - there is no need to defend it.

My mother has said the most outrageous things about me at times. I don't know if she believes them or not- but I can't control what she thinks or says. Does she bring up old relationships of mine and have opinions about them? Yes, and she will tell anyone, including my own teen kids. What I have found happen is that, it isn't that meaningful to them. They are more interested in their own friends and lives. If I let it go, they laugh about it- because my mom says all kinds of things to them and this is just one of them. If I were to confront my mother, explain it, defend it, then it is me who is making it into a bigger deal than it is.

[unicorn2014]

It is apparent that you are working very, very hard on all of this, Unicorn.

To add to what Kate Cat wrote, the content of the divorce filing may well be what he dreads dealing with -not so much what he files (which might be a simple "irreconcilable differences", but rather what his wife might counterfile -since I assume his wife has evidence of adultery. Your boundary has resulted in his no longer being able to avoid it.

I appreciate your point. He didn't seem at all concerned about adultery over the 3+ year course of our relationship. In fact I am sure if I brought this up to him he would deny it was a concern. To make matters even more complicated at about the half way point in our relationship, Memorial Day 2013 or 2014, I don't remember, he claimed that his wife was going to sue him for all he had so he was withdrawing the divorce filing to file for bankruptcy. Then when I looked up his divorce in September 2015 there was nothing there.

[unicorn2014]

What I didn't tell him is that ... .

It is amazing how much I've learned as a result of these relationship boards

One of the things I have learned here is to keep my own counsel.   To rely on myself.    There are times when my partner can not be a sounding board and a support for me.   Mostly when she is dealing with her own difficult stuff.     At those times saying less is my better choice.

I appreciate what you are saying baby ducks because right now I have no patience for my partner. He is acting depressed and difficult and I am really not interested in soothing him or hearing about his troubles. I have zero sympathy for him right now. When I was married I did not have a parallel relationship. When I realized I was unhappy I got out. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of that however I did not have an emotional affair much less a physical one. He has always claimed our relationship was not an affair, that I was his primary, that he had no feelings for his wife and while that may be true, that's not how the rest of the world sees it. I want to live in consensus reality, not his fantasy world.

I emailed my current sponsor about this resentment because it is too big for me to shake on my own.

[unicorn2014]

Not wendy I'm going to respond to your post over on my conflict dynamics thread on the coping board as she brought my ex husband into it and I don't want to talk about it here. Thanks so much for responding.