"Birth" Mother Guilt/Remorse

[FirstMom]

Hello Forum members. I write this with trepidation, probably afraid that my son will somehow find out I'm writing here, or that there will be someone here who will find a way to shame me about my feelings.

Basic background: as a 20-yo "unwed mother," I relinquished my baby for (closed) adoption in the 1960s. After decades of searching, I found him over a decade ago. He said he welcomed this reunion. He has never met any of his other "birth" family members, although he is friends with some on FB. He did ask his parents to say hello to me at a big event they had joined via Skype, but they refused. I have visited him and his various wives and children often, until recently.

On 12/23, I received a box of homemade cookies from my son. I was surprised, because the last text I had from him told me to GO TO HELL and said he NEVER WANTED TO HEAR FROM ME AGAIN, etc. etc. I was so surprised that I tamped down my fear and called him. There was no answer, so I left a VM saying I was surprised to receive the Christmas cookies. "I love you," I said, and hung up.

A few minutes later, he texted me to say he'd been out of hearing of the phone, and they were getting ready to go to a party, and ended with "Let's talk soon." When I read that phrase, my heart started pounding and my mind began to race frantically. Although he lives 2300 miles away, I envisioned him being able to send messages of hate through the megaphone of my phone. I stood there hyperventilating, until finally, I reminded myself that I was in control of when I answered the phone. I was still so shaken that I ran out and washed my car, needing something physical to do to work off the adrenaline.

Over our 10+ years of knowing each other, I realize that he has found all my "hot" buttons. I have so much shame around relinquishing him. The parents chosen for him are accomplished professionals with advanced degrees. But still, I think his childhood was a living hell. And I feel so horrible about that! And now, he is making life a living hell for his young teenage son with his first wife, and I fear for the new child he has with his second wife. And, I guess I have to admit, he is also somewhat successful in making my life a living hell, too.

I have realized that I can never be my authentic self with my son. He does not process any sort of conflict. He believes in Power Over, not Power With. He has no understanding of himself or his motives. If there is trouble in a relationship, it is the Other who needs therapy. (After 3 years of marital counseling with his first wife, he considers himself to be a therapy graduate.) He and I do not have a shared reality. If he is attacking me on a point and I successfully defend myself, he merely switches points and attacks on a different front. He is like a bit of mercury, never holding his position, but slipping here, slipping there.

Still, I was able to walk the tightrope of saying nothing meaningful for many of the initial years of our reunion, in order to keep the so-called peace.

When his first wife fell in love with another man (after my son had remarried and had a child), my son lawyered-up and began an intensive campaign to wrest custody of his teenage son from the first wife. This campaign is financed by my son's wealthy adoptive mother. It has been so intense that my teenage grandson ended up in custodial care, labeled as "psychotic" and "depressed." I fear for this bright, artistic, sensitive child.

My son is enraged at me because I did not support his effort to take his son from the boy's mother. In fact, I could go on and on about all the things he's enraged at me about. As a "birth" mother, I think I have incorporated belief in my guilt into the core of my being.

But I think my basic question here is: how to I disentangle or detach myself? There are times, especially the family-drenched holidays, when I feel overwhelmed with the misery created by relinquishing my baby all those years ago. Recently, I asked my therapist (who had mentioned "Stop Walking on Eggshells... ." whether my son's symptoms were because he had a mental health disorder, or because of his adoption trauma. My therapist shrugged.

And I'm starting to think I have a form of PTSD, if the very idea of a phone call from someone fills me with such palpable fear. I have not found a way to distance myself from my son's manipulation and abuse. In one breath, he screams at me that I am not family and I will never be called "grandmother" because I "did not earn that right," and in the next breath, he tells me that I am depriving his new baby because I am not jumping on a plane to come out there and visit her. When I ask under what auspices I will be visiting, he says, "valued family friend." (This after over 10 years of having it hammered into me how my grandson needed me as his grandmother.)

I have been to my son's hometown before when he was at war with his first wife, and spent the entire time in an agony of trepidation over when he would get triggered next.

I think that if it were not for my grandchildren, I would have stopped any contact with my son months ago. I take one look at them and have that visceral sense of recognition that I believe can only happen with genetic relations. I am unable not to love them with all my heart. And so I feel a terrible anguish at what I am sure they are both going through, and I am unable to help them or to change their situation in any appreciable way. And... .of course, as the relinquishing mother, I can't help but believe that it's ALL MY FAULT.

I would particularly appreciate hearing from anyone with adoption-related experience.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

Welcome First Mom.  I am sorry you have so much going on with your birth son and everyone in this circle.  It certainly sounds very entangled.  As you read posts here you may see similarities between your story and others. 

Out of everything you stated I look at his question you pose:

But I think my basic question here is: how to I disentangle or detach myself?

That is a great place to start, on you.  Your therapist suggestion of the book Stop Walking on Egg Shells helped me along with the support from this board.  I also saw a therapist w/o my dd because she refused to come.  He certainty could not diagnosis her because she was not there. I was there for me.  I too sometimes wondered if my dd is because of the a mental health illness, or the multiple surgeries she had growing up or what I did as a parent to perhaps make it worse.  Then I bring myself back to today's reality.  I am who I am , she is who she is.  I can only work on me to keep me healthy.  And in my situation the more I learned about boundaries, and SET and FOG the healthier and happier I became and the healthier my relationship became with my dd.  No it;s not what I had envisioned, nor is it perfect however I no longer let her moods/choices etc effect my happiness.

It can be a long road but if you are willing to start the journey you may see changes a little at a time.

[thefixermom]

I don't have the adoption experience but I just want to tell you that as a fellow mother of decades long guilt, my life vastly improved when I was finally able to deeply truly forgive myself. I looked squarely at my youthful selfishness and lack of good parenting and said it was time to stop paying the penalty because it was not helping my daughter.  This does not mean that I have forgotten all my bad judgment.  It just means that after 21 years of doing everything I can to make up for it and seeing that my guilt just fueled my D's opinion that I did deserved to be shamed and disrespected, I quit. I detached with love and became an observer.  She continued to rail and rant and rage and blame me... .but I kept my inner peace and did not react (except for a few slip ups) and now she pretty much can say or do nothing that will upset me.  After a time, our relationship has evolved to a cordial place where contact is minimal but when we do talk, there are sometimes real good exchanges and I sense that she is secretly enjoying having her mom in her life. In your case, I don't see the reason for guilt like I did for myself. I see a birth mother who  did the best she could with high hopes and expectation that your son would have a better life. It is not up to you whether he can accept or comprehend that. It is up to you to choose peaceful acceptance or guilt-ridden enmeshment.  I find your post shows you to be a highly intelligent and well-spoken, insightful woman. I think you can be your authentic self with him. But it will involve de-fusing those hot buttons. I don't know that those are truly authentic. I am of the opinion that when we have a hot button it's because we believe bad things to be true about us and when someone says one of those bad things, it triggers our angry defense.  We take it personally.  Once I was able to not take my D's cruel words personally and realized that the things she accused me of were actually things about herself, a big mirror, I was able to feel compassion for her when she raged at me.  For awhile she tried even harder to trigger me and then she started accusing me of being "holier than thou" because I had a new calmness about me.   Finally, she just gave up and dropped it. I told myself that I would accept whoever she was,  and was ready for her to be in my life or not be in my life.  I became willing to step aside and let the All Knowing take over and teach her what I couldn't. I accepted she would be safe on her journey no matter what. Truly just let go... .but with love and remaining available should there be a place for me.

FirstMom, I can't say strong enough that my hope for you is to love and accept yourself first. Then I would suggest forgiving his parents.  It's sad to see their wealth used for control and competition and for your son to be all caught up in that.  But that's where he will remain until he decides it's not for him. There's nothing you can do for him in that regard other than to just develop an attitude of "if that's how you want to be, then fine, but it's not for me," in an untouchable accepting and loving way.  My heart goes out for your grandson, too.  But to answer your question... ."how do I disentangle or detach myself?"   For me, it had to become a conscious choice. When the guilty thoughts crept in I opened the exit door and ushered them out.  It felt fake for awhile but then one day I noticed, I really AM detached!  It is so liberating.  Nothing can take my joy away now.  It is up to me!  I still love and feel and have great care and compassion for my baby girl.  

Reading some books and hearing other stories really helps so I hope you keep it up. Lots of great advice here, much better than mine, but I felt moved to encourage you and tell you I'm very proud of you for navigating what you have so far  

[FirstMom]

Fixermom and TwoJayBirds, thank you. Everything you contributed here is helpful. I love the image of ushering my guilt and shame out the door. And I agree that my angry defensiveness/triggers is because I believe bad things about myself. There are times when I feel blissfully free of the 100-lb sack of poop that I often carry around. I'm working towards more of those free times.

[js friend]

I think that we as parents all share some kind of guilt. Mine was that I had children with exh who I now believe to be udBPD. For years this  slowly ate away at me and it became my goal to fix dd and make everything better. I have grieved for my dd and my lost little girl. I have also grieved for the future of the this BPDperson who seems to have taken her place.

Please know Firstmom that you are certainly not alone in your BPDchild trying to  guilt you. My dd has said terrible things about me to anyone who will listen including what a bad parent I was. She has also accused me of abusing her on a few occasions which she later dropped. She even got exbf locked up for sexual assault before dropping the charged and never even  batted an eyelid. It almost became an was almost a regular occurance at one point.

What hurt me the most lately was my dd accusing me of being a bad grandma. Why? Because I wouldnt drop everything to babysit when she wanted me to and it hurt even more than being accused of being a bad parent. :'(... .

Her punishment for ME not babysitting was to cut me off from the gc for a while and It hurt as it was intended to.

A few years ago I  was able to detached with love and let her go. For me it It kind of evolved over time. I knew that I needed to protect myself and I thik I began to shut down a little at a time for my own self preservation. Since this has happened I have more peace in my life which had been  lacking for many, many years. I am still there for her but not in the role of fixer anymore. She has her life to lead and I have mine and I need to get on with it. My focus now is bring the fun, love and joy back into my life and nurturing my grandchildren as much as I can.

Your son has a power struggle going on and you are being triangulated with his foster parents. The best thing to do is take yourself out of their game .The BPD game is to attack. It is all about power and who they can control. Going LC or NC means getting off the rollercoaster. Dont let guilt keep you stuck. You are entitled to take the reins of your life  back. 

All the best and Good luck !

[ProKonig]

I am a child of adoption. I have never had any inclination to contact my birth mother whom I believe was 15 and quite logically gave me up. I hope she feels no guilt because she made the right decision. Luckily I had a fantastic mother and father who loved me dearly and always told me I was adopted so I grew up with a thorough understanding.

Unfortunately we cannot control the families we go to and it won't always work out, such is life. You cannot feel guilt over this, if you made a decision in the interest of yourself and your son at the time you did what was right.

The cruel reality is the mother will always live with that guilt (but they shouldn't) and it is likely that many people who search out birth parents are having difficulties and identity crises within their life. I know the time I felt the strongest urge to find my birth mother was when my parents divorced (my father left in a rather shocking and horrible manner) and then the following year my mother got diagnosed with a brain tumour. That fear of loneliness, of having no one in this world to look out for you. One parent eloping in disgrace (I was angry too) and the other potentially going to die (me at 20 years old at university).

Clearly he isn't happy and he is looking for those who will pile affection and understanding onto him. You're a perfect target for a BPD adopted child. Capitalise on the guilt. It isn't a healthy for you. Stay strong and don't blame yourself, you did what you had to. Disconnect if you need to.